Thnx, guess I didn’t look that hard, was thinking this was your personal blog.
Yea folks, remember too, many people have a mixture of other issues as well, you add some ADHD and they are “bored” 24/7 and need an entertaiment director or OCD and they are texting you 24/7 or alittle ODD and they are telling via text they are bored and wont listen to a word you say.
3 wks til Xmas, ok, depression setting in. Cold and miserable. Everybody getting on my nerves. Music? Ah, I wont even comment.Where’s that hole I can bury my eha for 30 days?
I made this one when you said that name lol mark hehe. omg yeah nearly xmas no money a gambling problem and yeah cold and miserable – i dont even wanna do xmas this year, i have got no motivation at all. grrrrrrrrrrr xxxxx
we have definately got our own issues or we wouldnt be with them in the first place, didnt you say something like that?? every one i have ever been with has either been an alcoholic a drug addict a bipolar or got ocd. hmmmmmmmmmm xxxxx
Josie
firstly let me say that you are a wonderful women with a beautiful heart that has been shattered ..your story with your BP is very similar to mine .,…I hadnt seen my BP for 1year , very little contact etc just basically ignored me …i di have contact with him one months ago ,we had coffee & went for a walk ..but he was very distant & it felt as tough he coulnt wait to get rid of me …shortly after our meeting I sent him a text and he never responded …i could feel the hate vibes coming through the phone …so no contact now for another month.. I do agree with you so much about the side that hates up & the side that loves us …the problem is they get it confused & when the nice person comes back…it can take up months , years for the to return …also I have witnessed my ex bp being cold & cruel to me but most endearing to other women he meets & even strangers get a better deal than me
Like you i have not heard from him for 6 months either so i made contact but am still back at square 1 ..I definatley agree with tho on the different aspects of their nature and their warped perceptions of what u have done to them drives them away …until they themselves realise that they are the problem not us then silence & ignoring you is part of the silly little game they play ..and i do think they ignore you as a form of control as well .they know u love them so they punish u for it
u think u know them thats when they pull the rug out from under u ..so hurtful
regards Bittersweet
michelle ..thankyou for opening this site
Most of us are dysfunctional to a degree I know I am …probably have some personality issues ..etc but I couldnt do to my ex BP what he has done to me
my heart has been ripped out and stomped on all because i cared enough not to play some stupid mind game
he resents the fact that i dont hold grudges, he tries to make me jealous ….by running off with other women but all it does is hurt him …am sure it hurts him more to try to hurt me than what it hurts me ..if that makes sense ..
after 12 years of standing by him , being cheated on , lied to , yelled at , torn apart …I am starting to date again
and Bipolar is hopefully for me will be in the distant past
regards Bittersweet
your welcome, lets hope everyone finds us.
I hadnt seen my bp since last january or so and he is now back in touch unfortunately. he thinks he can breeze in and out of my life and things will be the same – well they wont, i dont want him in my life at all after everything he did to me. I also had the same treatment bitter, he wouldnt be talking to me, ignoring me etc, then he would bump into someone in the street and be all nice or his ex wife would come for their son and his mood would change, what a great actor he was. unbelievable!!! i think also they have commitment issues, i have just finished reading he’s scared, she’s scared bu steven carter and julia sokol, the end of the book was the best, very good, and well worth a read. all very strange, lifes never easy is it xxxxxxxxxx
My husband is bipolar and skitso a fective he threatens to leave all the time blaming me for being sick and his relationship with the Lord I don’t know how to deal with it even after 8 years of being married with 3 kids like yesterday we had a great time together as a family now today he says he is done with the relationship and canceling Christmas I can’t hurt my kids like that he only takes klonipin for the panic attacks but refuses to take a mood stabilizer what do I do
Michelle
am so glad you have commenced this site
the other site was appaulingly slow .
yes / my Bp left for 5 years after causing so much heartache …then begged me to take him back …he came back lasted 3 months then abandoned me when I got really ill …have had 8 operations & he was no where to be seen
he is ignoring me still claiming I didnt give him enough attention !! well hello I was in & out of hospital having life saving operations for over 1 year but in bipolar time a year can be a week or two ..
the ignoring thing is a way of control ..if they know u want to see them they ignore u forever ..well am not playing any more dumb childish games ….
it xmas again & like mark said they get so disturbingly depressed …he doesnt do xmas or new years …I have joined a dating site now so moving onward & upward as they say …and there are nice men out there without all the games ..
kind regards Bittersweet
yes they are very cruel – mine used to gaslight and if you ever seen the film gaslighting with ingrid bergman you will know what i mean. he slowly drove me crazy and i doubted my own sanity, he did things and siad things to make me this way as i know now but not back then, even to the point i wondered if i had said the things he said i had. unbeleivable really!! i’ll never doubt myself again though so thats a lesson learnt!! hope the dating goes well, my online dating experience wasnt good but hey what did i expect from a site called loopy love, hahha where i met the bp lol xxxxx
Thats a dreadful site, I tried it once never met anyone but some of the mails were bad enough!
Dont let it put you off I have done it for years, its good…
Just met someone new this weekend…wow he is gorgeous….not holding my breath….not with my luck!!
He just sent me a text saying your the brains and the beauty, I am the brawn……suits me!! Simple life, thats what I want……lol
I did what you just said, questioned myself, had to keep going back wondering what on earth I had said or done thought I had lost the plot at one stage…..now I understand more….but I cant do it anymore it hurts too much and I am lonely, he is never here!!
yes indeed wishing it was a dreadful site, i went on for a laugh at first as a bit of a joke and what to come was nothing of a joke hehe xxxxxx
ooh i’m pleased you have met someone, thats fab!! now take it real SLOW xxxxx
i agree – crispy needs to be right out of the picture NOW, because if you let her in your bed now, and he is still on the scene, she is basically walking all over you, and you are more or less telling her its ok to have someone else while with you. xxx
oh eddywebb
u are doing well …stay detached tho that way u cant get hurt …see she said no sex then did the opposite …they always do the opposite to what they mean or want …
Michelle
am with you on this polarity stuff …I do really believe because BP is so insecure about everything in the head they try to break you as well …its a form of excitement they believe is ok to treat another human being like this because they hurt inside…I am not saying they are all sadistic because have read some pretty awful blogs written by female BP’s who really suffer . My ex BP I think used to enjoy hurting me with silence and other women they were his specialties ….both a form of control & the look in his eyes was power crazed when he was caught out ..i think they then convince themselves they are superman when the grandiose kicks in ..then everyone else is stupid , they are smarter & they must begin by proving it . the warped perceptions of the so called wrongs i did ..had no depth , silly things really that he had assumed ….pure paranoia…followed my mixed feelings of rage and no trust …not to mention I was blamed for everything ..losing his job, scratching his car, screwing other women, u name it ..the funny thing is I dont really miss that awful guilt i dragged around all the time , the constant feeling of being hated , it really affected my self esteem …and like I said to wishing
not once a single nice comment about how good I looked my clothes , hair anything ..it was always me boosting him up telling him how great he was , how good he looked, how smart he was , only to be trashed …I think they get this warped feeling that u r absolutely desperate to have them in your life so u will put up with being trashed …then when they realise gee havent heard from her for a while she must be really pissed they drop a cryptic verse or line via text , that is so curved ball it makes no sense …as if u r right there with them and they are contributing to the conversation…where as really u havent seen them for months or spoken to tham at all
very odd that one
regards Bittersweet
Now I am really confused….my Bpx was always paying me compliments, he always said I looked nice, was always over the top if anything, always said he never thought he would meet anyone like me, always commented on outfits/clothes/hair/shoes ect…
…I was the one who never paid him complements he always asked me “do I look ok?” ” do you like this shirt?”
He was always down on himself but always boosted me up…
Also he never blamed me for anything, always said it was all his fault/problem…..”non of this is your fault” he would always tell me…….confusing…..
I can so understand how you have been so hurt and your self esteem shattered but that wasnt my case…..but then that makes it hard too because he was so nice!!
Oh wishing
thats so sad …one of the big reasons for me not feeling bad about moving on is because of the horrible things that happened. Had my xbp had been truly nice to me then i would have found it harder to walk away …but what am I saying he is the one ignoring me anyway ..he has moved onto who ever!
but yes he sure did blame me for everything still does even in recent text to me , after i text him first his response was pleasant enough with an underlying sacasism …I could see the underlying issues he still had towards me …the guy absolutely hates me , confirmed by his ability to totally withdraw from me and be so nice to everyone else !! now thats confusing
regards Bittersweet
AN EXTRACT FROM A BIPOLAR PARTNER FROM ANOTHER SITE ………
I have been engaged to bp for 9 years. He is BP1 on Depakote for 21 years and recently put on Saphris. You will find they are controlling and delusional and cannot accept blame for any of their problems. They live in the past blaming others for how they turned out. They have few people in their lives and can’t understand why. They lie, oh boy do they lie without limits, do crazy things, are financially unpredictible,they usually have some crazy sex addiction. You will never be emotionally supported, but will be belittled and judged for everything you are doing that doesn’t follow their opinion of how things should be. You can not reason or speak logically to them to get them to understand what they are doing. Their brain processes reality on a different plane than ours does. Most have addictions in attempt to self medicate to not feel bad about themselves. They are consumed by some type of extreme sport or hobby and will bankrupt anyone they can to support their facination. When they are manic they will disappear and you may never know what they are doing. They will suddenly separate from you because you bother them in some way, so many wind up living separated. You will always be the source of all the problems because think they are perfect. They have an lie by taking bits and pieces of truth and twisting them into something that will confuse and overwhelm you. You will never have a successful relationhip with a bipolar person unless they accept their disease and work on it. I mean really work on it not just pretend to so you will stay. If you start this relationship because you want a relationship so badly or feel as though you can’t find anything better, you are going to be destroyed. Please seek help. If you are older, financially and emotionally independent then you may be able to have a relationship provided you never need to rely on anything from the loved one with BP. Never be afraid to leave a BP argument, if they can’t manipulate you into saying they are right, they might just control the argument by beating you. You will have your patience tested every minute of every day and your inability to be patient may get you hurt. Get some therapy for yourself if you are involved. Don’t turn to the BPs parents, they are too exhausted to help too. It’s likely it will backfire on you because either they can’t cope with it or feel their diseased should be exiled and you are the problem for staying. Realize you may have needs too and will not be able to lean on your loved one as in a traditional relationship. Realize that your BP loved one may not be able to provide support becaue he is having a high or low. They are highly narcissistic so it is difficult for them to genuinely give of themselves to anyone. I was strong for 8 years until I had a death in my family and a serious medical issue of my own which inconveniently occured during a manic stage of my BPs life. He was emotionally unavailable to me and while I cried out to him that I needed him, he became enraged. In my hysterics I engaged in an argument (normally I pick my battles and walk away) that could have ended my life. I wish you happiness, health and prosperity. Please keep in mind the potential of a BP and remember you can not always be level headed in your dealings with life. Also if you have children consider the impression a child will receive is that they have to praise, worship and always do what their parent with bipolar wants them to do in order to be loved. They will feel NO unconditional love which can lead them into unhealthy situations and in constant performance to gain love from their parent. I am writing not for help but so anyone considering this type of relationship will have some insight and knowledge of what he/she is taking on. Take care of you first or you are useless to everyone else. Best wishes to all. If you want to talk privately, juliexoxo12@yahoo.com.
Raan here…THANKS Bittersweet and everybody…I am SO leery of this situation. VERY uncertain.
I hope that once she leaves, that crusty Dusty doesn’t somehow convince her to change her mind…nor her Mom…who isn’t happy about this as of finding out tonight.
I have my reservations about how solid terri is on “us”
Thanks for the kind comments.there are a few things that seem “not right” but from what I can tell, everything is going back towards what it should be (what it was-or as close to that as it can now).
I am concerned that once she leaves, she may change her mind or more so, be influenced in a bad way that makes her not want to follow thru on her obligations with me and our Family.
She told her mom tonight that she is moving back here on the end of the month…Mom didn’t take it too well.
She still has to break up with crusty….that part concerns me the most. I dodn’t know what she wil do once she is up there and me down here. Can I trust her to keep her word? Grrrr.
one more comment…she was very upfront on how sexual she has been…how “studly” this BOY is…how she likes it “rough” now….how they do it everyday, all the time….
bunch of BS I think. She didn’t seem too into sex and I did my job WELLLLL…she was “tired” these 3 days.
I think she’s full of it on this topic.
I KNOW how she is…she’s not into it a lot because of the meds…so, why tell me that bunch of BS???
Raan
they want you to be jealous and think they are some type of
glamour puss in the sac ..sex is important to them for the reason of seduction at that point in time but at the end of the day it dont mean much …they know what they like and are not afraid to get off on a bit of kinky stuff ….its turns them on to have multiple partners so just take protection seriously ..
am sure u r hoping for the best outcome from all of this but just remember dont drop your guard …she will say and do the opposite …dont get your hopes up stay elusive and you should be able to gauge where she is at …from the underlying things she says
see all the stuff you have repeated over the last few months she has listened to /// they do listen but in bipolar time it just takes a bit longer
cheers bitter
I cant comment on all Bps Raan but mine never once tried to make me jealous and never spoke of past relationships in a sexual way, he never asked me and I never asked him…..so was a bit surprised she has given you details??
He would tell me he loved sex ( and it was never kinky or out of the norm?) but he was just as happy to kiss and cuddle and to hold each other, he liked being “just close”
I cant tell you she wont go back to him when she leaves or even after she arrives back with you…..as I said its whatever they want on that particular day!
But yes be on your guard…..and not just for the next two weeks, two months, two years…..for as long as she is part of your life!!
Thank you for your kind reply to my issue. You’re right. I am a kind hearted person. I have a big heart and I had kept it locked for a long time, due to the fact that I was married to someone who was intermittently emotionally and verbally abusive. When I met my bp he seemed so different. He was kind and easy going. He was consistent. He was rational. He called me every day, numerous times. I had left my abusive marriage for him and the week end of New Year’s Eve when he pulled that stunt with calling the police on me, he hadn’t asked me out/or over, but told me he had gone to a party down the street. That didn’t even bother me, although it should have. He then had a girl sleeping over at his house because she was too drunk to drive? I wanted to believe it, but jealousy got the better of me and I went over. He was furious with me and that’s when I gave him back his gifts. Then he called the police to make sure I would never go over again. When I emailed he accused me of stalking him. Then silence and anguish for me, for nine months. I saw him again at the store and he talked to me as if nothing had happened. He was back to being nice to me, started calling me again, said he loved me…. then one day he called me at work to say he loved me…. called me again in the evening to ask me over the following evening… told me he had loved me from the first moment he met me….. sounded so sincere…. I looked forward to our date with anticipation…. the following evening when I went over, he looked at me through the glass portion of his door and looked puzzled. He slightly opened the door and asked “What are you doing here?” and I said “you asked me over” and he said “Oh no. I must have not said that. I sometimes say things and don’t remember I said them. And he told me I had to go because he had his son sleeping upstairs. A lie. I was dumbfounded. Was he just being ‘mentally ill’ or
‘ abusive’ on purpose?
Now he is not speaking to me again. It’s been six months. The last time I emailed him he replied “Stop emailing me”,
so I did. I said “As you wish. Goodbye!”
I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again, but I definitely will not contact him any more.
I have to be kind to myself and he pushes all my ‘hurt’ buttons with his rejection. I don’t want to be hurt any more. The only problem is I keep on remembering the good side of his personality. I think that’s what keeps us all hooked, like a drug, to the feeling of being loved. A rare thing indeed, and it is normal for us to crave it.
Bittersweet, you have gone through so much! You deserve so much better also. I pray that we all find peace and love with or without our bp…. if fairy tales could come true our bp loves would be home this Christmas….
love and peace,
josie
Your post is very similar to all of us, this is what happens so dont ever blame yourself.
In his defence they do forget things easily and they have trouble planning, my ex. would make a date for the same night and if it was the following night he would check several times the next day about our date!
If he went on holiday it was never planned he just booked it and went the next day!
They come and they go….sometimes they go and they dont come back!!
I have had as long as 6 months in between seeing my Ex but he always kept in contact, not a week went passed that he wouldnt call!
But I know others have had as much as a year or even 5 years with no contact and then they appear?
Personally if I was you after what you have experienced I would not be in touch with him again because of the fact you have been threatened with the police.
I have never had that type of relationship with my partner he has always been very calm after an episode and very apologetic…. we then remain friends!
They do hurt you, each in their own way it is always up to you how much abuse you want or can take.
My ex partner knows I wont accept it, he knows I walk away and I dont contact or hassle him. I offer him love and support, I listen to him when he calls and I never ask WHY…..because I know why!
He may get in touch with you in the future I dont know….. it wont be for Christmas because they dont do Christmas or birthdays or special events…..I am afraid thats just the way it is!! xx
If you want real advice Josie I would say make a new life for yourself…..dont stop living whilst he has gone!!
Josie
i understand your trauma about the police incident
he did that to you because you caught him out , yes he may not have been doing anything with the drunk girl but the fact that you went over to his house unannounced …from my experience anything that makes them look guilty before tried they have a severe reaction to
and yet they may have been guilty of infidelity in the past which plants the seed of doubt …he went to the party probably with the intention of keeping his independance which is paramount to them
they cannot need anyone least of all you who knows him so well …you have to need him adore him that is what he wanted
they often suffer some grand delusion that you are not giving them enough attention so they try to find it elsewhere …it really depends of what their needs are for that day ..and that day only
as u know it can change on a dime …what u said about him contacting you after you saw him at the shop …then just dropped you on your ass again
sometimes their episodes can last for 6 months and longer …depending on what drugs he takes
I find the best thing is not to make contact with them they ahev to figure out its them not u …they have to work through the issues they have to come to the realisation that its not u its them
this does happen because basically everything they touch in the way of relationships turns to shit sooner or later ,,,its not our fault that they dont want to be with us anyway its their fear …their problem not ours
we are good people at least we have given them some credibility which is more than a lot of others give them
they can only figure it out themselves and in bipolar time that can take a long time
after a long time of ignoring you ..due to their inability or whatever it is …they back them selves into a corner, because too much time has elasped to hold conversation with us , besides we may have moved on their biggest fear and then we will reject them ..which is their worst fear…so really we are just as stuck as them but in a different way
they do get things mixed up particularly as they get older it gets worse …but for whatever reason he wouldnt let you in the house and hurt your feelings these are the reasons we cant go back to them again ,…its too hurtful
expecially when we are sensitive and you would have to be a complete saint to deal with bipolar
pushing forward I think we say
cheers josie from bittersweet
Feeling like there is a little box someplace that I can open and all the sadness will go away.
Going through the same bad feelings as you mark. Its not letting up for very long maybe a few hrs here and there but comes back and won’t go away no matter what I do. Nights are worse time. I feel doom and gloom and a little better during the day. I hope it passes.
Thank you for your wonderful reply. It didn’t use to make sense to me, how any of this could have happened to me, but reading your words, and others’ experiences on these blogs, has given me a sense of acceptance and peace. I still think about him/ the situation all the time, but without the atrocious pain. I don’t know if I will ever love anyone again, but the pain of losing him has subsided. It’s strange, but time does indeed heal. I am back to myself, the way I was before, with no illusions. The sad thing is that as you said one day, he will become aware that he misses me? loves me still? and then he will feel badly that so much time has elapsed and fear contacting me? although losing my love is probably his biggest fear? This disease is so horrible! It is like a house of mirrors. The good thing to take away from this is that at one point in time, our bp lover did love us. It was one, small segment of time, encapsulated for all infinity, one moment of true love…. now evaporated by the instability of brain chemicals…. Lost, I hope you can find confort in the fact that we love you…. you are a wonderful, loving human being and you need to believe that and love yourself….. if anyone else loves us then, it’s just icing on the cake 🙂
Thank you hopeful. Have you been on this blog with us long?
I am coming to grips with the fact there is something wrong with me. My emotions running way to high. Maybe that’s the reason I was able to keep the pace with my bipolar girl? When she was nuts I was nuts too. And when she was down..I was so far down. The none bpolar girl michelle who I had thought wanted me back made an excuse to not see me yesterday. She said she didn’t feel good and and that it snowed where she was at. She was getting her hair done so why do that if you are ill? She also told me she was jealous of this fat chick I know. Why be jealous of her when there are pretty girls that I know? That’s why I broke it off with her or atleast a big part of it. Long story short. She didn’t show and is supposed to come here today. Except now I’m not thinking all that good of her. I imagine she got her hair done and went out. I got no text from her last night. So I’m a little bit bummed out again. Why are so many people full of shit?
I am so sorry to hear about this new girl’s behaviour. I wouldn’t let it show that it phased you. Be cool. Let her come to you. Then when she does, just be your happy wonderful self. Don’t assume that she is going to hurt you or she will feel it. Be confident. Be fun and be yourself. You are a wonderful guy. Believe that! Believe that she is lucky to be in your company. Don’t let them smell the fear. People are like dogs. They can smell fear and run away. So promise me you will not falter. I have a feeling today she will contact you and you guys are going to have an awesome time!
🙂 Josie
She said she fears seeing me. This is what I said:
I feel the same way michelle I’m scared too. We got along the best I ever have with anyone in my whole life. We had a lot of good for each other and it far outweighed the bad. Please don’t be afraid of me. What do you fear?
Lost …maybe she has a disorder too lol
everyone is scared most human beings have enormous fear wether BP or not
you dont need a licence to have fear , just a heart will do
I think for you lost …just cruiz man be your old self with this girl , dont go in at the deep end until you get to know her
My EX ex used to say women are easy to work out Yes means No and No means Yes maybe if you stick to this philosophy in your mind it may help silently …or better given working within the confines of the female hormonal system …which by the way is more volitile than an afghan mine field in some women. You are doing ok lost ‘ you dont really have to worry about what happens because you my friend are gifted with female compatability something a lot of male chauvo’s dont have of coarse ..she will like you , its not hard you are a womens friend , u think like us …what more could she ask for …and as for the down when your bp was down & up when she was high ..its called mirroring …all relationships wether Bp or not… mirror each other its an old buddhist philosophy…
Josie if you pm wishing well… get her or lost to send you my private email ..address
may be able to help you
regards Bittersweet
Do we get email updates like the other blog that a post has been made? I haven’t been getting any.
Raan, what do I say besides be careful. I don’t wanta ruin what appears to be a good stretch but if she nots getting any meds or therapy I have my doubts things will last. You’ll start seeing mood swings which have nothing to do with you, its the illness, but you’ll catch the brunt of the raging. Thats when things will start to turn.
Mine has tanked as expected. A vacation west to see relatives has returned an unmedicated I don’t care person who I have no attraction to be around. Talking doesn’t work so we’ll just have to see this depression cycle play out.
I got it all figured out now. We are all sex maniacs looking to take advantage of some poor unsuspecting bipolar person who is in there hypor sexual mode in which we can do some serious boinking with someone who likes it as much as we do. 🙂 Haha… Umm yes I’m feeling a little better tonight to bad I have to watch my kids 😉
mark
I know that unmedicated dont care person ‘
the depression cycle you talk of it can have bouts of mania as well but basically its bipolar time alone time again for them ..mine use to go on holidays all the time by himself for a weekend or longer at xmas ..he doesnt do xmas or birthdays !!
I can remember when he sooo wanted to be with me and share nice times , go shopping together just fitting in like anyone else then comes the rage & they have to hide to keep it from busting out at YOU
they really do want to try to make it work sometimes but thats when it seems to go wrong !!
waiting is a good idea and fill in the gaps 🙂
cheers bittersweet
Tonight, I’m getting the most scheming, mischievous, seductive side of the mania climb coming at me. Too bad, shes getting shot down. Now comes the rage from the rejection. Glad it won’t be me who gets the ping pow boom for a change.
mark
yes i know that cycle too
I just used to clean the house when my bp was like that
i got to clean all the cupboards & things that I normally would do when he was acting out
it really helps when you clean because you look busy whilst pretending you are listening to their rambling
she probably wont remember much when she hits the wall
and if you have cleaned the house or the car / you always feel productive anyway
ping pow boom …yes thats it
cheers bittersweet
Well the end is near. 10 days no meds and the rage is on and in full swing. I guess the lure to doing whatever the f they want is greater then everything else. Last nights rant was F mark, I don’t want em in my life no more, he ain’t the boss of me, I’ll do whatever I want.
here I preach the part of not taking it personally, but it sure is hard. Seen the same cycle the last two falls, so you would think I would know whats coming.
I don’t care gets muttered constantly now. The classic I’m off my meds line. Made my one call to her latest case worker this morning, not sure I have it in me one more time to stick around thru this cycle, last years drained me and I got my own issues. Talkings of no use, reality and BP reality aren’t worth the breath.
That sucks. She knew she was running out of meds and did nothing? Or just stopped taking them or even through them away? They know they need to stay on them but always seem to have a reason to be off. That’s the kinda bull shit that bothers the fuck outta me. What to do?
No, I unfortunetely am getting all da rage. Some other poor guy will enjoy the mania when she runs loose here in about a week. Unsure wheather this will be on da streets like last year in the freezing cold thru a maze of shelters or right into the regular MH facility she thinks will keep her from being bored.
At one point I couldn’t tell one from the other mixed episodes up down and your spinning all around and around. Its horrible. I hate this stinking disease and yet there is nothing being done about it it seems. I used to wish I could lock her in a cage.
Its almost impossible to deal with. Sometimes you feel like just giving up. this is sure to strike a nerve but I will say it anyway. Does your ol lady believe in god? Mine didn’t and I used to try to get her to remember the most simple thing I thought I could tell her that would help. I’d say just remember to do unto others that you’d have done unto you. Shed laugh and walk away. How do you live in a hauted fucking house and not think that just maybe there is a good side also? Beats the fuck outta me.
MARK
I feel for you my friend ..it certainly doesnt help when they are sreaming at you and its all your fault …its just a terrible illness….you did say xmas look out …so I guess u must have some idea of what is next …to a degree
it sux is it love , am not so sure when they are like this it is hard to love them
cheers bitter
Yes, this is the part where they self destruct either for attention or boredom and they rage at me blaming all the worlds problems SHE created on me.
There was a brief calm period last night from the seductive personality but this am is full rage again. Reality of life and having to do things has stress levels back on 10.
For self preservation reasons, I gotta step back off the tracks and let the train pass. This wrecks going to be a bad one.
Mark
like i said …cleaning cleaning …do distract yourself as much as possible from the dragons ..i found it helped tremedously especially when they are looking your way !!
a phone conversation can be an enormous distraction from the drill .. even so reaching the bottom coming off meds & u being in the firing line sheesh ! I dont envy you , just agree or disagree which ever the case maybe , there is always an underlying trigger , stress, circumstance, environment , other people or just plain low level depression can cause the irritablity
regards Bitter
It’s a no win situation. I can let myself get dragged back into the drama of which I cannot fix or get out and be the person who in her eyes is to blame. The tussle I always experienced with my wife was there were solutions to the problems but you had to do things a certain way, but then I’m the one being controlling in their eyes and there not going to listen to anyone,
Mark you sure got that right. Anytime you try to help your going to be labeled controlling. If they are looking for a fight any reason will do. Maybe if your cleaning you will be doing it the wrong way or making noise or touching there stuff or even acused of searching for stuff or spying on her etc etc.. The list goes on. When they have it in for you sometimes you can duck and weave and avoid her by walking on egg shells. Unless you have strong boundries in place you will never win. Maybe its best to just do what ever it is you feel like doing and just keep shrugging it off? It was all so draining on me I just walked right into her mine field and did myself in. But a week later I was kicking myself for doing it. Panda said you must live a detached life being able to pack your bags and leave at a moments notice. Only trouble is I never unpacked my bags and I’m still looking for reasons to run. Iv been talking with my xgirl friend supposed non bipolar and I already don’t trust her and look for trouble signs. The whole thing stinks and bipolar disease sucks the big one.
Oh and I hit a all time low by telling this fat chick I am bipolar just so she would leave me alone. At first it worked. But now she’s back telling me its workable lmfao wtf? I wonder if this is how we all feel? She’s gonna work through this with me? I’m a real ass hole. 🙂 I think my trains pulling out got to run. Buh by.
LOST u r funny ..but do agree for mark
panda said ‘ you must live a detached life, being able to pack your bags at a moments notice ‘
very wise words ..I never packed my bags , he packed his instead , he kicked himself out of my home many times because he knew he was out of control ..at least he had the decency to leave !! LOL
cheers bittersweet
One more date will do ya! Lol. How’s it going wishy? Its been quiet on here. Looks like the holidays have people to busy to worry about stuff. Good thing I guess? Any word from your xbp? Mine still has her depressed sunset picture up. Its been almost three months now and she’s abandoned her yahoo screen name. Her last fling must have taken it hard getting dumped and gave her a hell of a time. No wonder she’s scared all the time. That’s what happens when you break peoples hearts. Oh well.
It was going fine lost, and now I seem to have “lost” it, its been 3 months for me too and now the bad bits are fading and the good bits are rising to the surface and I am crumbling…….
Just getting ready to go on a date, he 6’2 handsome, fantastic job, funny….. and I am not one bit interested!!
What is this obsession, why did he make me feel so good, why the hell cant we just let go??
Its the conditioning wish. You have been broken down and rebuilt so many times it has conditiond you me and the rest of us to failure. We now except failure as the norm. It takes time away from bipolar and time with normal to fix us. But we can and will be fixed it just takes time. Do not give up your date. Enjoy the fact that if this man enjoys being with you today he will enjoy being with you tomorrow and next month and a year from now. Do not stress. Just relax. There is no one better then you. If we can take a bipolar ass whipping and come back for more then this is a piece of god damn cake! Your a hottie babe trust me 🙂
Remember wish. We are real and we want real! And real feelings take time. But they last with us. Bipolar love is a hoax! Smoke and mirror bullshit! Now get your ass out there and have a good time. You got it all goin on babe 😉
Here is the deal ladies. A normal guy don’t know you when you first meet. So a normal guy will first feel you out. Not up!
Now bipolar time bomb guy needs to work fast first cause his mind is going a million miles an hour and second because he need to move fast because his mood may change at a moments notice. Now being the male slut that I am iv learned to move fairly quick and get my first kiss out of the way so I can move on to bigger better things. If the first kiss don’t happen I’m gone. I’m not there to be your friend I am there because there is something else I want 😉 so some woman like the assertiveness. If I can give em that tingle on the first date I go for it. That’s where me and bipolar girl hit it off. We were both in hyper mode looking to get laid. And in the long run she was a shooting star who burned out on me. Go for the normal but confident guy. He’s a little rough around the edges but he’s the man you want. Exciting and adventurous 😉
I should not have told you ladies this but since you are half way around the world my secret is safe 😉 raan and mark already know so there nothing bad there. Haha now go out and have fun and stop worrying about some shooting stars.
There idea of down is not the same as ours I don’t think. I think its almost like going into a shell where everything they need is already there. My girl almost killed herself but it was in a manic moment of love and lust. The bitch jumped the railroad tracks on her way to come molest me and had all four wheels off the ground lmfao. She must have needed it bad 😉
I know what your thinking. The ass can’t get his bike out here cause there a blood blooming ocean in front of the jerk.lmao I’ll rent one lol. Biggest enfield they have on the lot 😉
I know what your thinking. The ass can’t get his bike out here cause there a blood blooming ocean in front of the jerk.lmao I’ll rent one lol. Biggest enfield they have on the lot ;).
Ps did you all miss me while I was away? lol
In a twist? Wtf is that? Oh you chaps got it all wrong! Wrong wrong… But this forum is open to children soooo I keep my mouth shut and fingers off the key pad 🙂
Ps where the hell is Bitterbabe and the ever sweet and lovly michelle my Bell? 😉
Guess what boys and girls? Daddy don’t have kiddies this weekend. And… I’m gonna go out and have some fun and bring the bartender girl a lighted shot glass and she’s gonna wrap her lovly legs around my head again 😉
And that’s what the stupid bipolar bears get for deserting there post and cut and running when they should hunker down and shut up.. Its all there fault if I get laid this weekend and I hope they are happy 😉
Ok sweet dreams Wishy poo. I’m gonna jump in the shower now. You get a good nights sleep. When ever that time is because I don’t have a clue what the hell time it is where you are lol. Michelle start a new string soon this ones spent! Ohh yeah can ya feel it 🙂
Well, so far, it seems as if terri is coming home at the end of the month, or so she SAYS. She seems sincere. There are a few things that don’t add up, but what the hay…I guess some things never will with a BP relationship. She is having a very tough time up North, but refuses to come home except on her due date of “the end of the month”.
I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.
Dusty? Hmmmm. Not sure if she is still seeing him. She says no, but there is a tad of times I cannot get ahold of her…hours on end sometimes…lame excuses, but who knows…maybe she IS telling me the truth.
I guess I will just wait it out, and hope for the best.
Keep in touch folks and have faith in your fellow humans. Happy Holidays.
Hi Raan
I hope it works out raan , they are the masters of deceit when manic , I would just stick to what you are doing , try not to think if she is with Crusty , because she probably is .
but as you say what can you do …I was in love with my BP whilst he lived with another women for 1 year …he just ran off with her .. they are pretty screwed up so u are adopting the right attitude so as YOU dont get hurt too much .
just remember Dont drop your guard !!
cheers Bitter
Well, my Daughter Sophie has pneumonia i was just told by Terri. It sounds like she did in fact go to the hospital as she said she was. She was screaming at the kids while I was on the phone about it…guess she is doing what she says.
She said she hurt her back again…Hmmm. She told me that Dusty hurt her back these other times she hurt herself having sex with him…am I to assume that he hurt her again? She tells me that it has not healed completely and that she probably hurt it picking up one of the kids….hard to believe her.
Frankly, I think she saw Dusty Sunday night and spend the evening with him as it was his Birthday…phones were either turned off(cell) and the home phone was off the hook for several hours….I guess it doesn’t matter. I must confess…when she told me that she hurt her back again, i asked was it from rough sex again? probably should NOT have asked this, but she said”NO”, it was from picking up one of the kids. She HAS been very sick with a BAD cold…perhaps I need to just let this train of thought go altogether or it is going to make me crazy….maybe it already has!!!
I’m good in general though. She seems sincere like I said about coming home. In fact, she seems like she is going to follow thru completely. I guess I just have to take her word for it and “let go” so to speak….
I must admit…I am happier even with her not here. I think that she will be home by the end of the month and that is very comforting. Cheers
Raan I too have been at the phones switched off stage, now I thought it very suspicious and it got to the stage when I could tell what time of the day the phone would be answered, I too thought he must be with someone else, he would even say to me ” you cant get hold of me when you need me”
I never questioned him ( I never question anyone, even normal relationships ) but after reading about Bipolar they do all turn off phones when things get to much for them…..its easier than having to answer or knowing they are ignoring you!
But thats one of the downfalls of loving a BP you will never be able to trust her again!!
raan
I think if you did a bit of detective work u would discover the worst ..she is probably telling you the truth yes she is sick , but they always do this to mask other behaviour …they want you to drop into the background because you think she is sick u will leave her alone , which is what she wants .
she either wants to be left alone for 2 reasons 1st is she is depressed 2nd well I know u dont want to go there
dont count on her coming home raan , remember they pull the rug …just when u believe her ..and she wants you to feel sorry for her as they are good at that..it has a purpose only a BP suffers from daily imaginary illnesses the martyr complex is so useful when called upon ….it makes u back off so she can then run her own show for a while
few weeks back it was the foot , then her mother now its the back .. and her cold wasnt there a toothache in there somewhere as well I seem to remember ….picking up kids does not give you a back complaint & this is coming from a mother of 3 who was a sole parent for 30 years …
she wants you to just accept that she has been having sex with this bloke or else she wont come home…she knows she has u where she wants you now …its wether you can handle the ride to win her over in the end …sometimes this is what the challenge incurs …you do as i say not what i do …and if you dont well then the threats start…I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were reversed and u were having sex with someone else ….
its a cruel love like LOST said a hoax
cheers bitterbabe
She’s with him for sex…..she not with him for his money or his knowledge of the world….his looks?…..his mature attitude to caring for her and the children….FUN, dont sound like they have a bundle of fun to me?
heheh well its there ready and waiting when the music does stop lol. there are otheres on here to i put on that are empty, bipolar or bad upbringing, and couple others. am trying to open a proper website for us, i am learning how to build one hahaha, keeps me occpupied at times when i can be bothered hehehe. xxxx
Wow I like the bipolar or bad upbring. My xgf dressed as a garbage can for Halloween. When I asked what she’s supposed to be she said white trash lol. Her town is the same way low class. But upbringing crosses all classes. But then again who knows?
Bittersweet…I think your reply is spot on. She doesn’t want me to send her money for the pain killers for the back…perhaps she feels guilty???
I asked her when she hurt her back a few minutes ago. She said day before yesterday. Funny thing is, she would have told me if the kids (playing with the oldest boy is her excuse now) did it when it happened.
Sophie is supposed to be going into the hospital right now. I don’t know if she is full of it or not, but I am worried.Terri also said that she will be pretty busy ffor the next few hours trying to find a babysitter for the the middle boy and has to get the oldest boy to scxhool before she can take Sophie to the Hospital….I don’t know what to believe, but it sounds like I am supposed to just accept what she says is true, or else?
BTW, you can clearly tell she has a bad cold. AND, she does stay in contact with me fairly regularly. She likes keeping me in the loop FOR THE MOST PART. Yes, she does “disappear” at times, but all in all, she has been pretty good at keeping me posted on how she and the kids are doing.
Were I to just “trust” her. there would be no real indication that anything was “off”…BUT, because I have been doing a little detective work (It seems I have to), there are a FEW things that don’t add up.
Maybe she is seeing the boy, maybe not. IF she is, it isn’t very often and not for very long unless he is sitting there listening to calls quietly while she tells me that she loves me(every call she tells me). I know from his past behavior and his age alone that I don’t think that he is mature enough to sit there and listen to that….
Like I said, over all…she has been treating me pretty good and consistently tells me that by the end of the month, she WILL be home. Btw, she didn’t pay her rent this month, so…where else can she go?
You either (except)*not believe* what she says until she gets back and you can better control the situation. Or you end it. There is not much middle ground. Mine knew how much she hurt me. She knew I’d be like a wounded animal and she promised me the world. And in the next breath told me I’ll be saying she’s a bitch. So she knew damn well she was lieing the whole time. They enjoy what they do. The choice is wait until she gets back and lay down a foundation of boundaries or tell her your demands now and lose her. There are no guarantees with these people. And that’s it no sugar coating.
You’re getting setup brother. They let there worlds crash so some poor sap like us can TRY and be the white knight. She’s going to put the world on your shoulders and watch you get crushed like a bug and not give too shits because in her eyes it WILL be your fault. All this for a little sex? Run, brother, run. I DONT CARE what she says, what she’s doing is proof enough.
MIne’s gone manic, thinks the seduction goona save her white knight and everything. You’re going to see Linda blair pop out like in the exorcist with the full head spinning, i’m going to kill ya speech if you put her to the test.
And the rough sex. It’s there way of punishing themselves.Take advantage and paddle her azz off.
He can also wait until she gets home and try from there. Maybe in the mean time crusty will get a dose of what’s coming his way. Read my post right above yours. The guys not ready to fold. He’s got kids and its worth a shot. He can not just cut and run. But the tables going to tip one way or the other.
No, he shouldn’t wait. She’s sucking everyone in. Raans going to wake up News Yr Day to 3 kids and an empty bed; with this B telling em she got stuck in a snowstorm in 80 degreee heat. It’s all BS folks, all of it. Of course she has to play little miss helpless victim, its Xmas. She gets all the attention all the loving. And shes telling Crusty, hey we’ll be together for Xmas and new Years with no kids.
Gaurantee it folks, absolutely without a doubt he’s getting played. The minute her story springs a leak and you Raans puts her on the spot with the lies and bs, shes going to scratch his fing eyes out.
But buy then he will have three kids. And maybe that’s the way the story will unfold.
Every story has a ending but we cannot tell this man when to put down the book. My last few pages were torn out along with my heart. The books ending was twisted and sencless and without a clear cut ending I suffered. I don’t wanna see anyone suffer. What will be will be. I know you mean the best but this story needs to play out. I pray every nigght that he and his woman become the very few who can make it. I try not to offer to much false hope to him I’m strait up as can be. I thought love is stronger then bipolar and in some cases I believe it is. Let’s just hope his is one of them. A love story instead of a horror story. Raan start to disconnect a little now and a little more later. It drove me mad. Don’t let it kill you too.
I got no problem with things playing out especially with kids involved as they are the ones who suffer the most. If he ends up with them and is able to survive great, but BP’s thrive on drama and nisery and bs. They just flat out dont fing care at times and are selfish as all hell. I’m wishing for the best but I’m just saying prepare for the worst because that is most likely what is going to happen.
And folks, lets not brush aside that if I was having sex with a minor female, I’d be in jail soon and likely be losing those kids. If Raan whats to play a card to bring out the devil in this B, that’s the one to use.
Drama will be there enough for everyone. Its how its handled that will determine who wins this battle. Let crusty take the brunt of it 😉
Raan you may win the battle if you play your cards right. But the war will continue. Focus on the kids detach frome you know who as much as possible. That in its self is a handful. Now does everyone see why I am resentful of bipolar bears who continue to hurt people? Wasn’t all my fault I fell for hell the bitch reinforced my feelings until I couldn’t turn away. She said no open relationship and sealed the deal. And then bam polar melt down. It sucks. But I had no idea what I was dealing with when I met her she didn’t tell me she was gonna kick my ass in. But I know now. We all know now. Hind site is always 20/20
Lets not forget Lost, hind sight is 20/20 but Bipolar sufferers have an illness, from what I can remember you have had your ass kicked by quite a few “normal” girls too??
People hurt people everyday not just BP people!!
And whilst on the subject Mark is right he would have been arrested for under age sex….lets not put all this blame on to Lusty Dusty, the law is there to stop under age children from being taken advantage of and Raan is in his 40’s and he has been taken advantage of, what chance has Dusty really stood??
And another thing seeing as I am now in full swing…..lol
This isnt a battle because there are no winners…..theres a young kid being used….theres an heartbroken partner letting himself be manipulated…..there are 3 kids who dont know whether they are coming or going and there is a mixed up crazy woman who needs help?
Crusty is young and will bounce back. If not and he comes to this site. I’ll go easy on him lol.
Yes iv had my ass kicked by regular chicks too 🙂 so there may be some resentment for all the woman I know. Maybe that’s why I run from them? I’m sorry I hold a grudg for a while sometimes. Didn’t say I’m still holding it. But I guess the fact I keep bringing it up shows I do? Well why can’t I have a little bad tast in my mouth anyway? If I just forgive and forget I’d leave myself open for more of the same? Live and learn? Don’t be hostile but also don’t be dumb and forget? We all got something going on in our nut shell. Panda didn’t just write off everything that his wife did. His boundries were pretty tough and direct. He was just lucky she didn’t say good by and split. And we don’t know where this dude is now? He didn’t even have a PC in his home.
Lost you have to forgive and forget and NO it wont leave you open for more of the same…..did you ever burn your fingers as a kid when your Mum told you not to play with the matches…..did you keep going back and doing it again and again?
Forgiving does not make you dumb…..do you think I am dumb?
Forgiving puts you at piece with yourself, it helps you to start again and put YOUR life back in order!
Not forgiving doesnt hurt her, it just hurts you!!
I hold no grudges, people hurt people, people make promises they never keep, people lie, when they do you either stick it out or you dismiss them from your life!
Given the chance I may have stuck it out with a person suffering from Bipolar but I would want certain commitments and we both know commitment is not on the agenda!
Exactly. So Raan needs to save himself for the kids. But let’s not write his family off just yet. And while we are at it iv had shots fired at me and guns knifes pulled on me. Been slashed and forced to grab the blade of a knife. Guess who was behind it almost all the time some punk kid. You thimk I went easy on the poor darlings? I put my fist so far into his mouth I heard his jaw break. And the other I kicked under a parked car. Its called survival on the streets. Don’t worry niether one prob didn’t die. But if they did I’d be saving some other persons sorry ass.
Exactly. So Raan needs to save himself for the kids. But let’s not write his family off just yet. And while we are at it iv had shots fired at me and guns knifes pulled on me. Been slashed and forced to grab the blade of a knife. Guess who was behind it almost all the time some punk kid. You thick I went easy on the poor darlings? I put my fist so far into his mouth I heard his jaw break. And the other I kicked under a parked car. Its called survival on the streets. Don’t worry neither one prob didn’t die. But if they did I’d be saving some other persons sorry ass.
And wish. Those are only two of the things iv dealt with. Yes I don’t forget when iv been done dirty. But I don’t look for trouble and iv never let a threat go. If you do they will come back for you.
Some things you just got to take chances on. Sure I got burned by woman and I guess I always will. I’m not about to go turn faggot its not my style lol. I’m 100% in love with woman so don’t worry about me holding a grudge about that. I actually hold a grudge against the bipolar disease itself. I lost to it and I don’t like to lose any fight. Yes it happens but that don’t mean I need to except it and roll over and play dead. Hell no I don’t think your dumb. I know you are smart and we choose what we do. But a person is conditioned to there envirment. I have no idea what this has to do with bipolar lmfao. Wtf?
I’d rather be shot or stabbed then have my heart and soul destroyed. I wanted to kill myself many times. You cannot run from yourself. Flesh wounds heal in a few weeks. This other shit is going on for almost a year in february one yr.
And yes Lost, my Bp ex has had guns firing at him and knives held up to him, he has crawled across mine fields to save lives and all the rest…… and loving me has hurt him more than any of that stuff……
Love sucks! But its so good when its right. Should I hold a grudg against the niggers that shot my friend through the head and wrote RIP over him on a wall with spray paint? Fucking damn strait I will.
Yea, I’m getting caught up too I guess in my past with my wife and the feelings it causes to surface. Bitch was my favorite word in the end, it seemed like all she ever did was complain about things she had control to change and make better. Little did I know, what I was dealing with at the time was a BP disorder or a host of other personality illnesses.
Putting their “choices” on the illness as an excuse doesn’t always fly. This minor relationship of Teri’s which is against the law and has severe legal consequences is no laughing or joking matter. What does her family think? Do they even know? Do they even care? Often family is so distant after a long road of trainwrecks they themsaelves are out of strenght to help, out of resources. Mental Health caseworkers often relate to individuals with the talk therapy by simplying things into “choices” and this put the responsibility back on the individual, you want to make a bad choice knock yourself out, the consequences fall to you. You don’t’ think terri will flip some trouble that comes with crusty and blame Raan? It sure will come down like that as will everything that creates stress and there is alot of stress coming.
Well I think Lost I would do the same…..if anyone came near my kids I would have the ability to protect/kill like a tiger in the wild…..but here we are talking Bipolar and no one has died, a few hearts are broken, a few minds are messed up but we have the ability to survive this and to get out and start again…..
…..and sorry Raan but you wont be the first weekend Dad, I know the kids are important and having a family is important but kids need stability above anything else and I have been a single parent for 12 years and bitter has for 30 years and we both have 3 perfectly normal well adjusted children because we protected them…….
You need to put whats best for these kids first as I have said all along…..not what you think is best for you and Terri….yes, its lonely being a one parent family but thats what we do to protect our kids from the mistakes we have made!
For the record, crusty is 18 years old now. His B-day was last Sunday.
As far as terri is concerned with seeing Crusty, there is NO evidense that suggests it, however…she HAS called him (1 or 2 minute calls, enough to ask if he is home -when will he be back, etc) a few times and she even told me that she called him. She calls me through out each and every day and tells me that she loves me many times thru the day…in fact, she NEVER ever told me that she loved me before we “got back together about 10 days ago when she visited for 3-4 days.
I know this much, when he was around before this…and he ALWAYS was…she NEVER told me that she loved me. I think she is reallt being semi-straight with me FOR THE MOST PART. I say this with an almost, because I don’t know for sure, but it looks like she is keeping her word. Once again, for the most part.
I am not defending her, cuz you people KNOW I am the first to rant and rave about her BS. She IS being a bit distant, and that kind of bothers me, but she has sick kids on her hands right now…SHE is sick with a bad cold, and is stressed out.
I am just going to see how it goes and PRAY she comes home with the kids like she promises at the end of the month. Meanwhile, I’ll try and give her breathing room, and I’ll be up there Christmas day to spend that day with her. There ought to be some red flags that day IF there are any to concern about.
I AM being cautious and I DO appreciate the input. I am listening to all of you and know it could go that way too. Keep the insights coming folks. Thanks.
Hey I wish the best for ya, I really really do. But let’s keep in mind 18 now or not. This wonderful person is capable of committing sexual crimes with a minor from what it seems. If this was you with a female underage, you would be getting a knock on your door from the police and rightfully a bat to the head from the father. Many states, the state itself is the prosecuting complaintant, he himself does not have to have any issues with what has occurred. Where are his parents? Let’s not sweep what appears to be very disturbing behaviour away because the issue is too uncomfortable. And now shes making sound decisions because shes depressing? Shields up, but I’ll pray for ya and the kids most of all.
I have to agree with Mark here Raan…..we have all been where you are, it wont matter how many excuses you come up with……..the outcome will be the same!
…..and then it will be down to what choices you make?
Sorry, went on a rant there, Yes, experience, common sense. etc. But when you touch a hot stove over and over again for the attention, you’re make a conscious decision to create drama. Then to bitch about it, cmon, wake up.
But thats it Mark….the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting DIFFERENT results and when she touches the hot stove again and again she expects different results!
She doesnt make a conscious decision she does what her brain tells her on whatever day it is??
Its very hard for us to understand because we dont have the illness, we can figure things out in less than 2 seconds sometimes, they cant!!
Gotta disagree, the do make a conscious decision to touch the stove over and over because its creates the drama and attention they seek. Her brains telling her go make drama. Terri’s going to have 2 people fighting over her in a wk, that plan is well on course, beleive me there.
Lost I am not condoning what happens, I am just saying its an illness,it cant be properly controlled and never cured and if you research it and educate yourself then you have a choice……you stay or you go….if you stay then you accept the ride, if you go then you learn from it and you move on…..broken hearted maybe but you move on!
A conscious decision that they are making? Some people may argue that but if they were indeed making random choices at times due to there illness, the bs would be close to 50/50, like a coin, NO? Or at least mathematically close. But BP’s may conscious decisions to f up there life for what ever reason; attention, love, whatever, so they have to be responsible for that “choice”. If you’re going to f up your life 75% percent of the time on purpose lets look in the mirror and blame that person. Rage on that person, fix that person. But, they would be too easy, thats the struggle therapist have, saying stop fing up life and doing are 2 different things and the choices somtimes are pretty clear. Take Terri getting involved with a minor; cmon folks, thats such a life changing trainwreck? She could possbily go to jail, lose her kids? WTF, she just dont care or want to think about it and who will she blame Raan.
So, in “Good old straight talking New York dialogue” Be happy for the good times, forget the bad times, never regret what choices YOU made….move on and dont look back in anger!!
I am not on about them making choices Mark, I am on about all of us making choices…..
Yes, they make bad choices and yes they blame their nearest and dearest for everything that goes wrong, they talk a load of BS and they tell you whatever they think you will need to hear to get what they want…….BUT it will always be your CHOICE whether you WISH to believe it and fly with it?
Oh, I completely understand. Thats why we also have to self reflect. We need to understand some of our issues that attract us to these personalitys. Now, if you have kids, you’re choices (sorry) feel limited, like Raan. I stayed because I actually had myself beleiving it was good for the kids. I had to finally call it quits. I probably should have left sooner for everyones sake.
But BP’s may conscious decisions to f up there life for what ever reason; attention, love, whatever, so they have to be responsible for that “choice”. If you’re going to f up your life 75% percent of the time on purpose lets look in the mirror and blame that person. Rage on that person, fix that person.
That’s what I been saying all along. Where I live there is a whole entire community of people fing up there lives and those of others. And its never there fault! Always someone elses! My xbp girl is very smart. She’s got all types of degrees. Give her a multiple choice test A.B.C.or D. She will choose the correct choice everytime. When a person tell you in advance you will call me a bitch some day or I put up walls. Then they are telling you that they know what they will do! But they won’t tell you when they will doi it. Then out of the blue or in my case I show her I’m a good bf willing to chance wrecking my car to come help you. And they decide to make that day the day to destroy this person. Then that’s a obvious effed up choice that they know will creat the most twisted heart felt hurt they can do. Bad fucking choice. Now write that into a test and tell them there salery will be determined by the test score and bingo they choose the correct answer! So these son of a bitches know damn well what they are doing and they enjoy it.. Its drama excitment! And what ever else bull shit they enjoy and its written everywhere they love drama excitment etc.. The thought of hurting someone excites them. And they love it. Until your gone.
Then if they do it deliberately why has my ex sent me hundreds of texts telling me he is sorry, he knows he hurts me but he cant stop himself from doing it, the only way he knows how to put a stop to it is to stay away from me?
Yes they know they hurt but they dont do it deliberately, its what happens to their brains on that particular day/time, depending which way the mood is swinging!
He is a very intelligent person, far more intelligent than me, most people suffering from Bipolar have higher than normal intelligence!
Yes, he can stop it in exactly the same way he “chooses” to do it. And as far as staying away, often an attraction to someone is based on how they make you feel about yourself. He feels bad about himself when he thinks or sees you therefore the feeling to stay away and not think about that. And as far as sorry, go get some help and plz NO excuses.
Marks 100% right. They keep on hurting you because at that time they enjoy doing it. They love it! And they won’t stop doing what they want to do. And there is where the picture of her evil smile she put on line that huants me. Mark you are right and wish. You been bull shitted big time
How do you make that out then Lost, because I am the one whos free of it….I am the one who walked away from it, I dont try to contact him, I dont moan and groan about what has happened, I date other men and have dated other men all through our so called “relationship” so who was doing the bullshitting??
My xbp told me don’t ever look for her. If I did she would never speak to me again. And then she told me where it is she goes. But a car drove by and I couldnt hear what she said and of course I couldn’t ask. But I bet if I did she would have told me again. I’m glad I didn’t.
Well she has never spoke to you again has she…..and you didnt look for her???
Whatever you think about whether I have been bullshitted or not…..I know who controlled my “relationship” and it wasnt him, I made the choices, I knew what I was doing 100% of the time, I was the one who always walked and I was the one who choose when to go back……only this time I decided to just walk………
Raan …she has you on drip feed old son
she’ll keep pouring it in until shes had enough then you will be in the firing line …its easy to tell anyone you love them on the telephone 100omiles away its her actions that show her depth of love ..depth well yes maybe usually no depth at all to them .
let me give you this example
in the early part of my BP relationship some 10 years ago & before i knew anything about this god dam illness …the manic one was telling me through his mania how much he loved me how important I was to him , we were texting each other from work back & forth ..all week sweet nothings back & forth with STUPID me so in love telling him how much I was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him this coming weekend , we will go swimming all these wonderful things we would …well friday avo came he hopped into his car and drove in the opposite direction to me ……by late friday night i had rung yes 3 times NO answer …sat I text him several times throughout the day NO answer …sunday came around I was a bit worried so I sent some more texts asking if he was ok ?? Late sunday avo he sent me a one sentence text …am up the coast ‘ thats all I got …when I asked him why he did that to me …he said & I quote
” you had expectations you assumed that I would just be there for you all weekend …that is boring …its supposed to be spontaneous with no arrangements made its surposed to be a surprise …arrangements are boring …”
unquote so I told him how much that hurt me what he had done just disappeared …and his response was ” you hurt yourself it was your own fault for having expectations of another human being ”
the point of all this story is to tell you that they dont make arrangements they dont like to and they rarely stick to them …they only manipulate arrangements to get what they want money , gifts, a lift somewhere , something she wants from you …roof over her head , until she is ready to turn the drip feed off …then will come the avalanche of emotions that you will cop when she wants out
my 20cents worth …..from my experience they dont change much without therapy
regards Bitterbabe
Will you marry me? I promise to meet you at therapy; every other Thursday. Let me know what thursday is good for you and I will be there the next thursday.
BP’s write riddles and Xmas cards.
Sorry, I can’t help but laugh, lovingly however. When you hear someone else tell the same story it’s surreal.
I had a similar thing with mine to your planned weekend, he called me and said he had brought a new bike, he suggested a drive and a picnic, I said ok, I went out the next day brought all the picnic food as agreed….the trip was the following day, I heard nothing all day, then text him on the morning of the trip he didnt answer, after 3 texts he finally answered and said he was working that night and needed to sleep during the day?
The picnic was forgotten……
I didnt make contact with him again, he eventually called me and I didnt make a big scene just let it go and put it down to madness….it wasnt what I signed up for but I had a choice?
By the time the end came….the last weekend I no longer expected anything from him, no relationship, no commitment, no happy ever after…..I told him during the weekend “dont make no promises because you wont keep them” of course he promised he would!! lol
I knew deep in my heart it wouldnt last, I never thought it would be any more than what it was but it made me happy for the time we spent together….I lost nothing and gained so much……xx
He was doing the bull shitting with the hundreds of text you received. And yes you are hurt and that’s why you are here. We are all here looking for answers as to why they do what they do and we started off looking for a way to fix the problem.
Then that’s a good thing for you wish.
For me it was different I had no idea she was bipolar or mental. She didn’t say hi I’m so and so and I’m a mental case. She was sweet and nice and I had no idea why she kept taking off. By the time I found out it was too late I had fallin for her. She has a hot tight body and a very cute face and I was taken with her. I didn’t want any other and I didn’t date any others and it was not me who was taking off it was her. I was not in full control like you say you were. So I took it really bad when she said good by for ever. For ever is a really long time wish.
Ya see, Ya see, how they are. Gotta us fighting like crusty and raan. I did propose first L&F, the nookie can wait til after the ceremony. lol. I’m goign to do a Castanza and say gdnite folks. Might be one of the few nites I leave this site laughing and smiling.
LOST
like the song says ….
am still alive but am barely breathin
pray to a god that I dont believe in
when her heart breaks ..no it dont break even
am falling to pieces
what am I sposed to do when the best part of me was always u
and what am I sposed to say when im all choked up and your ok
am falling to peices
am still alive but am barely breathin
It dont break even …It dont break even NO
Yea, all I can do now is live in the moment. Tommorrow could always be filled with trips to the hospital. Chances of doing another 20 years with 1 person is doubtful and thats part of the sorrow; part of the wth did I just do with the last 20 years of my life.
That’s kool wish. I am glad you feel the way you do and its a great thing that you can be at peace with all that happened and didn’t happen. Its gonna take some time for me and the rest of us to get to the place you are at. I really don’t have so much resentment. I guess its mostly just being sad. I always was left feeling like my beautiful girl was taken from me. Stolen away and replaced with a person I did not know. But we learn and sometime its a tough pill to swallow. But a little at a time it goes down. You are a kind soul and stronger then most of us. Love you too ya know it don’t you 🙂
Thanks Lost…..I am bowing out for a while now….going to do what I said and make a new start….a life without Bipolar, without hurt, without the sadness that surrounds it….
…….I will keep an eye on how every ones doing but I wont comment….I do hope that those that who are alone forgive and move on and those who decide to stay get medical help in what they have to face…….
I have loved chatting to you all, left you my song……my moving on song……xx
Mark I remember one of the things that helped my girl was we would make little projects together. Simple things like gluing pop sickle sticks together to build a little house and then painting them. It was these things these small things that helped calm her and I enjoyed doing it with her. I would sneak peaks at her while she was concentrating so deeply in to her project that I just had to smile. It was these little things that made me love her so very much. I don’t hate her I still love her but she is not mine anymore and I don’t want to feel the hurt of the past anymore. You try to take each day as it comes and give her the excitment she needs. Take her out and try to do things. It may suprise you when she follows like a little puppy dog 🙂 if not its still fun trying.
We do that now. Cake fights, shopping, dinners. I do appreciate the little things that happen when we are out believe me. She has no idea why I’m smiling. Couple weeks back we were in Victoria secrets, they’re having some body, lotion, other stuff sale. She grabs 2 of the items, apparently they’re having some 3 for 20$ sale, 2 cost us 16$, clerk goes you can get one more and only pay 4$ extra, you know there great sales technique, so she skips off to get 1 more something, comes back, different clerk goes, you know you can get 6 for 30$. I don’t even get the chance to glance over and say anything, she’s off dancing around the corner, clapping. I’m left there chuckling, but sometimes they’re really home in those eyes.
Good luck my special friend. Its really the only way to go. Be gentle with the none bipolars they aren’t so strong ya know 😉 love u wishingwell. And I really wish you well. Come back once in a while and say hello. We gonna miss you.
broken hearts do mend they just take time …
I think we all have helped each other …on here ..we needed answers and we got a laugh as well …
its all good …lets look to a brighter future !!
cheers
Bitter babe sweet from Oz
Raan
you are so funny
by the sounds of todays post you should just give Up’
god have I been there …we all want to give up but we are just as stuck as you LOL
otherwise we wouldnt be here as well
Mate
what can I say … I know how you love this women
love hurts
and thats what BP love is HURT in big capitals …it is a simple as that ..
I have never loved like this and i may never again , but I know I will never feel pain like this again either because I choose not to .
the pain of bipolar love is worse than not being in love
its worse than being alone ..
bipolar love has the ability to absolutely crush your inner soul
cheers bitter
Sorry Michelle, I know you set this up for us all and I have loved chatting with everyone but I have decided to give myself the chance to make a new start, to spend a couple of months giving 100% to finding someone new!
I am thinking that living in the past and giving so much of my time to Bipolar is holding me back, I just want to find out if removing Bipolar from my life gives someone else a chance!
I have made some really good friends and I have learnt so much from you all….thank you everyone….
I will come back time to time to let you know how it is going! Happy Christmas and a really good new year! 😉 xx
Go for it wish. I think its a good idea what you say and are going to do. iv been trying too but its harder then I ever new it could be to find a decent woman around here that really likes me. But I won’t give up. I’m just going to slow it down a little. Merry christmas and happy new years to you and yours. 😉 yeah I know I’m fucked up lol.
Hi everyone who has posted here , just would like to wish everyone all the best for 2011 and a Merry Xmas 2010
The past year has taught me a lot more about this dreadful illness , that affects so many unsuspecting and innocent partners and family members
NOBODY derserves what bipolar can do i think thordora said ‘
it is truly a tragic scene to have to walk away from someone you love so deeply because they have all of a sudden decided they dont need to love u anymore..!!
the rejection is so overwhelming the pain is insurmountable and so we look for answers and wind up here all licking our wounds .
maybe if something truly magnificent were to come from this site it is the friendships and the laughs we have all shared about a sad past we have all lived or still living
a companion who has turned their back on us without explanation is so truly hurtful and any good we can give to someone new who is experiencing what we are all experts at supposedly until we fall again …if there is one shred of vital information that I can share or help share from my life without the love of my life …please ask me am happy to be of assistance to the grieving , the confused , the sad and those who cannot make sense of this dreadful bipolar disease that bestows itself not only on the person it consumes but on the innocent victims , partners , family , children and carers who continue to do good to try to help the disadvantaged mentally ill ..
all good things must come to those who wait
cheers for 2010
Regards
Bittersweet
am bit flat today ….looking forward to a new year
bring it on and leave this one to shreds LOL
coming up a year for you too …its a very difficult time for many of us on here who have suffered such great loss.
Anyone have any ideas where to meet nice people outside the internet or personals? Iv been thinking more about joining some sort of MC and meeting people through that?
lost my middle sons gf is flying here from NY land on 27th dec ..maybe you could squeeze in LOL
mark still alive and kicking …no one jumped on your head yet ..or is it in pending mode …they only need one excuse
like everyone being fuking merry Ho HO HO
well in that case I’ll give you my address and you can have the weddimg here. I’ll hit up all the brides maids I’m sure bitters got some sweet friends. And don’t worry about your safty. I’ll show you around the hood 🙂
sheesh !!!
not so sure about you BP whitewashes
maybe you guys could have adopted some nasty habits
from getting your heads kicked in a whole bunch LOL
Things seem to be progressing very well. I am aware that terri can pull the rug right out from under me, but she is behaving so much like her old self…in fact, she is being fairly honest with me as far as I can tell as well, but with ONE lil white lie recently.
I pray she follows thru…things are looking pretty good…I know, i know…I have my wits about me too.
Say a prayer for us. Thanks everyone. Happy Holidays
raan
I will forever pray for you my friend …..through all the sadness here maybe u will be our shining light 🙂
have a nice time with the kids ..
cheers
bittersweet/babe
I feel myself slipping back into bad depression again. Up all night feeling jittery and wired up. But keep getting bad thoughts and dreams everytime I try to rest. This sucks.
I am completly reliant on other people to make me feel better? WTF?
How do I shake off this one? Christmas and new yrs suck I wish it were over and I hate that depressing new yrs music its already making me sick just thinking about it.
Lost
you have to concentrate on your ol self again ol pal
come on u can do this …maybe just let her go finally
we all have had to
just concentrate on yourself …the things u like doing the things that make u feel good
u recognise the error of your ways …U r smart lost
just concentrate on yourself
forigve the past forget the past its a new year 2010 is gone
if it makes you feel any better that silly bitch isnt happy either …we are all in your shoes its ok
let go of the past ..it has not been kind to you
regards Bitterjustascrewedupasyou ” 🙂
Lost
I have felt like that too
its not you
you just got a bit of a short fuse !!!
dont be hard on yourself ..its very emotional all this stuff
you tell someone u love them and they shyte on you
its tough going …
anyone that has been through this stuff would have to be superhuman to handle it
cheers bitter
Why did the none bipolar girl contact me again?
Why did she pretend she wanted to start over again and then disappear? Did she just want information from me on how she should handle her kid? I treated her very well did as much if not more for her then most people would have. Is it a game woman play to hurt the guy who had to let her go? These are only a few of the things going through my mind. Will she repeat this with this new guy? Is he gonna dump her again? How can a woman who says she loves you jump in bed with another guy? But again why come back and then say she’s gonna call and then she don’t? I’m all fucked up over this and I know its not right. Don’t she know how much she’s hurting me or she just don’t care? Wtf?
Lost Lost Lost
why are you giving your power away to these meaning less people in your life
cherish your self old friend
dont give these things the power to hurt you
nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so
in other words
you dont need someone in your life who is going to be unkind …deliberate or not just move on
quite frankly stop looking and it will come to you
its only when you hunt something do you become disappointed …there is an old saying if you cant be with the one you love ‘ Love the one your with wether that be yourself or your kids …just remember we come here on our own and we live on our own and anytime in between is a bonus if spent with the one
but maybe u r not ready yet …still much healing to be done ….we all have good & bad days
just got to ride the bad ones out
cheers bittersweet
Thank you bitterbabe/raan and josie who is out there watching 😉
Your notes made me feel a lot better today. Its been a rough past few weeks and I know its not over.
I will try to take the advice you gave me. I guess what your saying is I should just forget about this michelle and not bother writing her to ask wtf happened.
Dr appointment tomorrow I will see if there is anything they can do to take the edge off my emotions. Ty everyone.
I am going to get back my non polar gf michelle even if it kills me. She was the only one who made me forget bipolar girl and I’m not going to let this chance get away. I’m gonna steal her heart away from who ever this jackass is and I’m never going to ever let her go again. Failure is not an option.
More Richard skerrit, omg read the end, even he is looking for someone lol xx
This Excerpt:
Codependence and Love Report as Spam? Not.
To stop these mailings, click here.
[One “concept” that I have trouble with is called codependence. It troubles me because it seems to be a soft, amorphous taint applied to people who’ve been in troubled relationships. I hear people say, “Oh, I’m really codependent.” That might not be so bad, but how does one fix something that isn’t really ever defined?
One reason I think this is misleading is that there are more concrete psychological factors at work in most of us than “codependence”. Sometimes the idea of codependence helps people to realize that they play a role in their unhealthy relationships, and that they need to work to improve within themselves. This is helpful. But without some more concrete ideas, it’s hard to improve. In Tears and Healing, I deal with some: obligation, love, and not understanding the disease we’re interacting with.
In this essay, I talk about how I mistook my own desire to be loved back – to be appreciated by my partner – for being “codependent”. This essay, like most of Tears & Healing , focuses on you, understanding your feelings and needs, and getting a vision of what your life needs to be. Along with this, most everyone need to understand the disordered mental processes that lead to abusive behavior. I explain this, along with prospects for improvement, in Meaning from Madness. The third key for many people is to deal constructively with the need for love and the feelings of being in-love with someone who’s bad for. In Love and Loving It – Or Not! addresses this third element. Together they can empower you to understand your experience, form a vision for your future, and move toward that vision.
The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five of my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections. The Relationship Pack has the four books that deal with relationships with a disordered person: Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, and Tears & Healing Reflections. These come in softcover, e-book, and quick-pack editions.]
Codependence and Love
I was just listening to Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me. If you don’t know it, it can be summed up in one line: “I’m everything I am because you loved me.”
When I was in the depths of pain, this song really wrenched at me. I so much wanted to make her everything she is (unspecified her, at this point).
Later, as I learned more, I came to associate this feeling with codependence. That is, I thought it meant that I would only feel ok if there was someone out there who needed me for her to be ok. Well, one more problem to fix. After that, I made a real conscious effort to react to this song differently – by being aware that it was generating some feelings I thought were unhealthy and basically turning it off, at least mentally.
As you might have picked up, I’m a soft core Jungian, and I believe in a spirit within each of us that empowers us, provides our life energy, tries to guide us to be healthy, but struggles to communicate with our consciousness. The channel to my spirit that I discovered first was the channel of tears. When we experience something, usually something good, and we well up, this is a message from the spirit. There is something important, probably an unmet need, relating to that experience. You can read about this in the section Tears and Healing (p. 137).
I’ve since found another, much more controllable path to my spirit. It is through meditation. That is, in a safe and quite place, basically emptying my mind of the whirlwind of thoughts, putting a simple image in my awareness, and just being open to what is happening. If the image has to do with something important, my spirit responds with emotion. It may be a sustaining feeling, it may be tears, or it may be a sickening feeling in my stomach. This is the approach I used when I was in anguish about what to do with my marriage when my wife was slowly and methodically tearing me apart.
Another way of painting images in a meditative way is with music. In fact music connects with our spirit even without meditating, but by adding the quiet, safe space, I think I can get a much clearer picture of what my spirit is saying. And music was the channel by which I gained some better insight into what I thought was a codependent tendency in myself. Indeed, it was a LeAnn Rimes song, I Believe in You, that did this trick for me. This song’s message is about feelings toward someone that loves you: “your mercy has no end, you’re more than just a friend, it amazes me that you feel the way you do. I believe in you.” (I can’t even write these words without welling up, which gets back to the role that tears play.)
This song helped me sort some of this out. The spiritual issue here is NOT that I’m a codependent that needs someone to need me to be ok. The issue here is one of being appreciated for loving someone. I never felt that my wife really received or appreciated the love I gave her. No matter what I did, it usually not enough. Or when it was, the way she expressed her acceptance and appreciation was very mechanical and insincere.
I don’t know about you, but I really am a very loving person. And I loved my wife – and I mean in Peck’s sense of caring and working for her. For so many years, my love was unacknowledged – unaccepted at a level that my spirit, the true judge of right and wrong, could recognize. And when my spirit senses the imagery in these songs, of love received, accepted, appreciated, and that appreciation is expressed beautifully, it sends me a really clear message. I need that. I need someone that can accept my love and show me so.
So, something that looked on the surface like a maladjustment in what I needed from an intimate relationship turned out underneath to be a fundamental message of growth for me. I do need it, and it’s a healthy thing I need.
I’m still looking for that special person. I’m sure she’s here somewhere. Has anybody seen her around?
Cheer up michelle your an awesome woman and a damn good person and don’t you or any of you woman on here feel down. Your all drop dead gorgeous.nothing like the ones I saw online last few days 😉 I turned off the internet date site. Looking at all those fugly woman on there was making me sick lol. Also shut off my yahoo instant message crap. I texted my pretty little michelle today asked her if she’s done with me now and to tell u the truth I was in a good state of mind. If she would have told me to go take a hike I would have been gone. Told her a few other things that prompted her to call me. Reminded her of the crazy fun shit we did. Once on the phone we talked about real deep stuff and kids and then finished off by making her laugh a little. I found out lots of things without her even knowing it. Only one thing that’s bothering me is she said she’s in a situation? Wtf is that? After the way she was talking today I hope she’s not married. Or he’s gonna miss her 😉
She’s gonna call me again tomorrow and maybe meet up. If we do meet. She’s mine. Back up and running again but tired and that’s a good thing cause I haven’t really slept much the last few days. I go to the witch Dr tomorrow and see what kinda crap he’s gonna want to get me hooked on. If this chick comes back itl be kool and I won’t need the meds but may take them this time anyway. Just to keep the edge off. No pills unil after I see michelle just in case they screw me up. Thank you Josie for showing that maybe I’m not nuts or just a touch of bpd. 🙂
So the plane goes pretty good today. If I stay on a roll with her I’ll keep my good mood and that’s a plus. The best thing in the world about a non bi polar.. Is they remember things and its awesome 🙂
Went to the Dr today and told him what’s been going on. He gave me a piece of paper with the name of a head shrink on it.
Texted michelle asked where she is told her I need to see her today. Asked where she is and she told me. I found her waiting in a parking lot for me. The most beautiful site that I have seen in a long time. She got out of her car and through her arms around me and with tears in her eyes told me she loves me. And I told her the very same thing. Its all still under wraps from the kids but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Just wanted you all to know I’m ok and just because I lost my bipolar girl it doesn’t mean I could not find someone else to fall in love with. And there will be no more running away for either of us. Love is waiting for us all. We just need to look for it.
Ps I through the shrinks card out of the car window. I’m thinking I won’t be needing it. I may be a little insain… But she loves me the way I am and that’s the way it needs to be.
Cool, my fiancee (wish) and I are happy to here that. Mine’s bouncing back as well, must be the season possibly. 3 days back on her meds has averted the spiraling death crash I though she was headed for. Xmas and New Yrs talk fill otherwise busy days. Headed to dinner, shopping trying to add one more of those simple memories to our book.
That’s kool. My xbp also woke up from her funk and now has a new happy fb picture up. Her with some old fart lmfao. Oh well what ever trips her trigger for the time being lol. Sure hope grandpa can handle it or there gonna be a new ghost in that haunted pad of hers 😉
Best wishes to all three of you guys. Bitter is the bomb! 🙂 take care of her or I’ll kill you. 😉
Umm you do know I’m only kidding right marky mark? I wouldn’t harm a hair on any of you peoples pretty lil heads. But I’ll sure as hell defend you. 🙂 incase you haven’t noticed I’m back to my make nice mode. And I’m lovin it!
Good news all round for you two then
Lost yours is powerful …am very impressed …
Mark hope your little day goes well …hope all is well for you both’
bring on 2011 guys
Regards bittersweet
You deserve this! You are a great guy and a great friend on this blog.
Bitter is “the bomb” as you said also. She is amazing!
Bittersweet, you deserve all the love and luck in the world!
May 2011 bring it on for all of you lovely people!
you are a sweet darling who didnt deserve what happened to you …you have lost your man with dignity and pride
which is a dam side better than me …
I have stumbled for too long ….I thought love would solve the issues how wrong I was !!
Bitter don’t feel bad. I too thought love was stronger then BP. It wasn’t and I did my best to convey those feelings to her. She knew I loved her with all my heart and soul. But she didn’t care. Now she’s sleeping with some old geriatric reptile looking thing. Wait till she snaps out of it this time lmfao. Can you say chew your arm off and run? Ohh and he’s really old…and he prob smells like cat pee and moth balls lol.
Everything seems to be going well for me at this point. terri seems more and more like her old self with each passing day. The real acid test will be whether she REALLY moves back at the end of the month, but I think that she will.
I love ALL of you people on this site and could not have made it to this point I am certain- without all of your help and wisdom. Sure, she hasn’t returned yet, but I feel it in my heart she is going to come back as promised. I owe everyone here that listened to my ramblings and rantings one HUGE thanks and I am eternally in all of your debt.
Terri has been calling me morning to night each and every day. She tells me that she loves me, appreciates me, etc…each call as well. I know that she isn’t seeing that boy anymore as she stays in contact with me so often that she would not have the time to…I guess I am her man- her one and only again and this makes me feel great.
I suppose that this Friday and Saturday when I spend it up there with her and our kids will give me more of an idea as to her true colors, but things look very good at this point.
I will update as things develop. Thank you all of you.
Raan
Sounds good just hang in there ol Buddy
cant really give any advice other than keep the dishes done !!! LOL
Lost
thankyou for your nice words …hope this girl is the ONE for you its taken its time but at least it seems to be happening now …let it take flight
Thank you bitter babe. She is the one for me. For better or worse she’s my girl and I think she always has been. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a room full of people. Yes I still love my bipolar sweetheart and would never want to see any harm come to her the time we had was special and I learned a lot about people.I look at life through different eyes then I had before. If her being around me causes her pain then I will not be there. I still have not completly decided against texting her a merry christmas but I think I may let it pass. When I went away a few weeks ago it was my awakening. I spent my last night in so much pain it was unbearable and who felt my pain and responded from a hundred miles away? It was my michelle. I told her tonight over the phone she is more to me then my lover she is my best friend. I never want to be without her again. I will learn to get my feelings under control and I’ll doit without drugs because I never want to lose the intence feelings that I have for her. She is just a woman and I’m just a man and after going through so much and being apart so long. Our hearts became one. I can be open and honest with her. Never walking on eggshells again careing and loving this woman is my duty now. She will be moving out of the Xbf house with in the week I hope. I will let her handle it her way. A woman knows best how to do these things. But if he lays one finger on her he will wish he was never born. But its almost christmas so we will not go there 😉 I love all you guys. Wish!BitterB!Raan!lovely michelle! Wyann? Trust! Marky mark and josie too! And anyone else who has been on these boards. Never forget panda the man showed me so much and helped me deal with so much. I’m always here for you all my best friends in the world. I wish you all the joy and love and respect that I can say. And a healthy and happy new year to you all and yours! XxxxxxOXooooO 13.
Its been quit the past few days everyone has been going off the deep end with the holidays. How’s things on the home front?
I decided against calling my xbp figured if its only going to mess her up why bother her. And she’s had long enough in her manic crap that if she felt forgiving she would have contacted me. Good thing she said she holds no bad feelings toward me lol.
Lmfao I don’t think your stalker will catch on.:)
Want to hire a few ching o lings to watch your back? Lol. My christmas blows. I had the kids around three hrs and the x wife bitch came and took them. She’s not bipolar she’s just a bitch 😉
My wifes BP and a bitch. That was my favorite word the last yr we were together, maybe I’m just too sensative a guy. Seemed like everything that came out of her mouth was a bitch about something I f’ed up. My 16 yr old boy had more cooyones than me, he’d say “mom your fucking crazy” hey, I HAD to sleep with her, I’d never get away with that. Even he left a yr later. Yup, I’m getting blame for that as well.
mark
i feel for you
blame is their number one issue
even when the issue has no blame
they turn it into a blame game anyway
your like wtf did I say ? do ?
oh dear its not pretty sometimes
I guess all u can do is try to fix it with love 🙂
my 20cents worth
Bitter
Almost like doing the same experiment over and over and expecting a different result.
I thought love would win over bipolar but I was wrong.
When they love u they really do and when they hate you they really do.
And when they twist the story around and then believe that you really did some terrible thing to them they stay that way. And anything and everything can be twisted around even if it makes no sense. They refuse to ever walk on eggshells around us. But in reality its the people who care the most about them that they have walking on egg shells. Its a very tireing draining way to live. .
Everyone on here is so on the ball and from a certain point of view-VERY accurate. it cracks me up (raan who shall be known as as Eddywebb??)
I’m back from Nc, and overall, the trip went fairly well. She started off being TOTALLY distant, STILL is seeing Dusty regularly, but I caught her and busted her on it….no answer from her but denial…SURE. I don’t know what to say here but if I can get her to just come HOME, that will be the end of that.
I got booted off mid afternoon today, but to find out she was just really overwhelmed and I found this out by being a good detective. SURE< she lies about a few things and it's obvious. She had a great time as I did , but she sure seemed out of sorts.
She called 3 times since I left. The last one was just as sweet and loving as can be…apologised for her F'ups….said ALL the right things and if I can get her to stay in this state of mind until this coming weekend….I'll have her home. …PROBABLY.
Time will tell. When I left up there today, I had a bad feeling. Right now…after her three calls…I feel great.
Let's all pray that she keeps her word and shows up
Well nobodys dead and you got a realistic view of whats really happening. Best you can do is take it day by day and make the most of things.
I was flinging Xmas gifts OUT da window of my car yesterday (long story) today I was looking to see if it was the expensive ones I donated to our highways.
Got any suggestions on terri mark? You seemed pretty much on the mark last hard letter you wrote.
WHY she is still seeing this kid is beyond me…we are supposed to be back together…I dont’ think he is allowed to spend the night at her section 8 place anymore, but the kids told me she still sees him, and her Step dad told me RIGHT away when I got up there too. Dusty is NOT welcome in her mothers home any more. That’s a plus…
He wrote I love Terri all over her dash and she tried to paint over it with black paint….you can STILL read it. CLEARLY, she still sees him. I think it’s his way of rubbing my nose in it so to speak.
Mark I could use a new electric tooth brush if your throwing one out.
Raan just hang in there your doing about as good as you can. Its illegal to do what I’m thinking so I have no ideas on how to get her down other then her wanting out of that hell hole.
Bitter your still the babe. Stay cute and sweet.
I got a jar of Alfredo sauce and a can of sardines and a jar of peanut butter for christmas. Wtf? Ohh well maybe for new yrs a loaf of bread would be nice. Retarded christmas for everyone I guess lol.
Oh and I’m still the (other) man. Hope I can get her back to me by new yrs. She told me she’s ignoring him and spending as much time at her mothers as possible and just going to sleep without any funny stuff going on. She has her own room.
These are the boundaries you gotta start setting for 2 reasons. 1) It’s normal and healthy and 2) to keep your sanity. Terri cant see this puppy,she has to decide if she is with you or not and I don’t wanta hear how you don’t wanta rock the boat and lose her. It is like reparenting a child, I know bad analogy, but you gotta tell her what you expect and are going to put up with. Seeing this other person is not normal and healthy if she is going to make a life with you and the kids. This is where we often let the BP’s distort “reality”, we let them dictate what normal and healthy is until we are the ones doubting our sanity and then we’re getting the blame for their chaos!
My life was full of this bs and I pretended it was norm or her just being quirky, well it aint and its not going to make things last or get better. You really gotta have a good handle on what you want in the relationship and sometimes thats not something people really know, nevermind their life. So, if you dont want her with somebody else, you better tell her, you better make a big f ing stink about it so she understands. And if she dont well, there’s 5 billion other lovely ladys in the world and there waiting for good guys like you to come back on the market.
Reason why I’m suggesting you have these start BEFORE she comes home is you’ll know right away where you stand. You want her talking to this kid? You want her thinking its ok to have a relationship with this kid? Cmon, lets not for one fing second let her believe its ok. Like I said earlier, not the subject we wanted to talk about but if you were having sex with a 17 yr old girl and then moving back with Terri, what would the world be thinking, what would she be thinking. Oh yea, we’re talking because I’m helping her with her school work. Be real, be upfront,hey in know its hard, I f’d it up, that why I can tell you. You’ll know real fast the life you’re in store for and you dont want to do that when shes home, then where is she headed with crusty? Leaving you with the kids.
Although I agree with Mark about setting boundaries, I would wait until you have her back at home Raan. If you tell her now, before she comes home, she may not come home. It’s just about what your desired outcome is. I would honestly wait to set boundaries until you have her back home for sure.
Better do it BEFORE she comes home or things will be crazy to say the least. She’ll think its ok to talk to em, bs like that. I used to be non confrontational, now, I’m like f it. Had a battle today telling my girl, you got a mirror? She said why, I said when things get f up’d look in that mirror, that’s the person to BLAME. You make poor choices I told her and sometimes you do it on purpose. You aint fooling me, you wanta make a mess, knock yourself the f out, but clean it up, dont f ing call me no more and bitch about it.
I am going to wait until she gets HOME or she will probably cave in…I WILL be FIRM about what I expect in our relationship and I will tell her if you can’t handle what I expect (and she should expect the same from me-no cheating, running off, lying)…the disappear now.
I am REALLY hoping that she can handle this and doesn’t just get back in the car and leave after telling her what I expect.
She has a migrane today and has been calling little. She sounds like shit, and exhausted. I HOPE that this goes away quickly, as she doesn’t handle following thru with things when she has migranes.
yes YES yes Mark go son …!! ‘that is how I would approach it too i think raan xx
Lost blizzard !!
We have Noahs Freaken Arc here man worst floods in 40 years ..been cyclonic rain for 2 weeks non stop…cars aint driving down the road they are sailing past lol xx
josie hi ,,xx
Mark this has been my recent approach too with my xbP fiesty stuff isnt it …keeps you on the ball and keeps the melon in tip top shape these mind puzzles lol
Raan when u love the unlovable there are times when u do have to become unlovable yourself ..yes sweetie pie doesnt cut it in these relationships …its challenge sometimes that really you need an honors degree in psychology to complete
Mark is very correct on the boundary keeper …they screw up time after time almost daily sometimes
I just got F*cked over by terri…called and told me that she was coming home, but is not in love with anymore and is doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Wants to go up North to her mom’s each weekend on my dime, (still do her lil boytoy in the process???) and we’ll tell everyone that we are boyfriend/girlftiend, but she isn’t…told me that the sex was better with Crusty and honestly would rather be with him, but is doing this so my Dad doesn’t kick me out of the house and for the kids sake. She said, we’ll take it slow and see whay happens…but she is not “in” love with me anymore…Oh! and get this…when she was down here several weeks ago and we had sex, she said she “faked” it…didn’t feel anything.
Did she say all this “I want to get back together ” crap just to get money out of me for Xmas???
She promises that she IS coming home…for real, but now wants to wait two more weeks after the end of the month cuz her mom asked her to stay because she is having her surgery then. I told her I want terri to keep her word and come home by the end of the month as she promised, but I told her to make the decision. She is going to call later…won’t answer the 4 calls I’ve made since over the last hour…
Don’t know if i should just say F*ck off or try and win her back.
She DID say she will keep an open mind, but if her heart is with another man…what’s the point?
She wants her cake and eat it too….F’ing BEE-otch!
ANY SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE???? HELP ME OUT HERE ASAP!!!!
AM I JUST BEING PUT IN THE “SUGAR DADDY” SPOT?
IS THIS HER WAY OF SAYING YOU TAKE CARE OF ME AND THE KIDS, AND LET ME GO UP TO MY MOM’S EVERY WEEKEND **WITHOUT YOU** SO I CAN GO DUCK MY BOYTOY????
WTF????
PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS!!!! I AM SO F’ing PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!
Raan
just got home
Now you play hard buddy boy
this is the time you hit her with the boundaries mark suggested …Only On your terms does miss terri come back not on her own, and certainly not being able to fuk someone else.
‘ u can come back terri .. but only if you play nicely ‘
( withdraw all privaleges immediately primarliy the funds you are providing )
tell her its ok to come back ( ignore the comments about the sex .) ..she is trying to bluff you, and force your hand,
she knows from when she told u before about the lousy sex and the dirty dishes that u will do anything for her to get her back ..Remember what I said to you about playing CHESS Raan
she is trying
to get you scared so you will do what she wants she is going to use you to a degree she is just being polite about it …they are always so polite about screwing you over .
Since Terri said she would rather be with Crusty because the sex is better, but is going to come back anyway for the KIDS SAKE and because it’s the RIGHT THING TO DO…
This is already a load of BS…IF she would rather be with someone else, then she would NOT come back. She IS bluffing me to try and get her way….I know this.
Now, HOW to make this work…..
***I am going to say something like this:
Terri, you can ALWAYS expect me to be 100% faithful, honest, loyal, respectful, devoted, and TRUSTWORTHY
***I expect the SAME from YOU…always.
I expect you to keep your word and that includes you coming home as you promised by the end of tjis month.
You can bank on me keeping MY word as well, and that includes the weekly NC trips to visit Mama. We will go as a Family, and it has NOTHING to do with trust in my wanting to come along. If I didn’t trust you, I would NOT want to be with you. IF that’s an issue to you…thinking I do not trust you, then by all means….show me that you ARE trustworthy…ask me to come along to visit your Mom regularly…I am sure somewhere along the line I’ll want to spend a weekend in Aiken vs. going up there each week.
It sounds like you want to go up to NC and “do your own thing” without me regularly. Terri, you know I love you, but I will NOT put up with you seeing someone else while trying to “start over” with me. I am NOT some”Sugar Daddy” that you can go away on every weekend so you can do what you want and have me waiting on the sidelines until you decide it’s time to come home.
You claim that you want to START OVER, and take it slow….OKAY….we both need to be 100% committed to each other in order to do that. We will have nothing but problems and resentment down the road unless we’re both into giving it are all. I am CERTAIN that I will make you happy and hope you will do the same for me.
Sex wise, NOT TO WORRY! You will get more than what you want and need…that’s a fact. I’ll romance and woo you more than you could hope for and I hope you will do the same for me.
I appreciate you wanting to help me keep this house, but I want you to WANT ME …WANT to come back because you WANT to…not because of losing this hoiuse…it’s YOUR house too, but our HAPPINESS and our relationship…THAT’S what’s is more important.
I have NO doubt this will work for BOTH of us….but it takes TWO to tango baby.
I want you to come back…give this a chance and give it your ALL. You won’t regret it I am sure. Help our love grow again by doing what is right as you put it and let’s start moving forward again. You can count on me and I need to be able to count on you….I love you baby.
————————————————————–
What do you think??? Too long? Too sappy?
I wonder when she will call me again. She didn’t call me back as she said she would tonight. Flaky BP woman!
raan
am sorry this is happening but inevitably she will do what she wants ..boundaries are great for those who respect them but teri runs her own race
she will use manipulation to get her way and u will be exhausted from continually having to doubt is she being honest and reliable
its always going to be a hard road until she gets medicated properly and she doesn sound like she is resistence is useless with these people the more she resists the more she will obsess about having what she wants ….the disease of no logic remember
if you cant handle sharing her then maybe an unlovable approach will work better until you get strong again
she will wear you down my friend thay have an uncanny
way of succeeding in doing that
regards bitter
Bitter…does this come down to: I have to SHARE her with some guy to be with her?
Sounds like I do all of the hard work/support her and the kids -then weekend comes along, terri bails.. and he gets to just blow his load in her while I sit at home alone waiting for her to come back…
is this what she wants me to do? Sounds like it.
I feel like she KNEW what she was doing…USED me…Not at all interested in getting back together, although she claims we ARE still starting over.
What ever that means…
Do I have any chance that my “boundaries” will be accepted and that she will give it a try? OR, is she going to likely just say screw it…I’ll stay up here-
even after PROMISING that she would not pull this crap…
I am not totally surprised here…this was a possible outcome. I knew this, but—
she REALLY had me sold.
Is she even planning on on following thru with coming back at all…EVEN WERE I to go along with the sugar daddy part time lover-sharing her with another role??
I can’t believe she told me all of this crap after being SO SWEET after Christmas…telling me how I make her sparkle, Misses me after I just left so much, loves me , can’t wait to come back home, etc, etc, etc….
Friend, brotherman, sorry. I was praying I was wrong.
The plan unfolding has been in the works for a month. It is indeed meant for you to take care of her 5 days a week and then give her money to go spend the weekends with crusty. Far as the sex thing, dont take that personally. Beleive me when I say this she gets bored with his routine too, shes ADHD and is bored easily, very very easily. THIS is exactly the kind of drama they create on purpose.
Now is boundary time. I’d tell her that you’ve thought twice about it and coming home is not a good idea right now. When she says why?, say, you’re not well. You need to see a doctor , get on some meds and therapy and get well.
LISTEN and I MEAN FUCKING LISTEN…. Is this the life you want???? I mean the pit and knot in the bottom of your stomach right now???? IS this the way you want to live everyday???? Wondering ? is she home? IS she fucking crusty? Does she REALLY love you? Shes not capable of real love right now, she sick, shes MENTALY ILL. YOu get past that, you got a shot and I MEAN YOU first. Not her.
She is going to suck the money, the breath, the life right out of ya.
You push back now, your going to save yourself FIRST which is what you gotta do RIGHT NOW. Other wise its over the cliff.
See what she tells you. You make her sparkle! Its these words they say to all of us here. Its these words that they use that have killed all of us here. That’s why we are drawn to them. We want to believe this. But its not true! You cannot have it both ways and neither can she. You make the boundries you will live by. If not. Cut her loose and see if love brings her back. It won’t. But having no money might. I am dealing in a very bad situation now. Michelles with me. I picked her up at her mothers in the blizzard yesterday. Her bf showed up and he did not confront me. He standed back. I’m worried now because things were told to this guy by her son that I know enraged him. He feels hopeless and lost and I think will try to kill me today. I will try to defuse the situation but I don’t think it will work. I will be packing some heat for protection but I have nothing but bad feelings about today. If u don’t here from me in the next few days I may be hurt or killed. Love u guys. Take care and say a prayer wish me luck.
Raan
they want what they cant have …its as simple as that
if you put yourself in a position where she thinks she has lost you …you may stand a chance of her coming back
I know you are very confused by all the advice you have received
you are trying to be supportive to terri etc
but is this method working ….or does she need money ??
is it you she wants …this is what you need to know
and can u ever ever trust her again ??
regards
Bitter
Well this ought to make some people happy. Any bipolar assholes out there care to join in? I got fucked again. Picked up the x bitch banged her for two days then went to her mothers where the xbf showed up. Offered him a chance to take his woman back from me he wouldn’t raise up so he slithered away brought her home banged her but good again went to work and left early and when I got there the fucking bitch told me to take a seat and told me she’s going back to this broken down bald headed pussy mother fucker. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with his bull shit or wast a cap on his dirty ass. Story of my fucking like done dirty again by a bimbo. Now I know why there are so many fucking faggots around. Where is the fucking pride here people?
I’m gonna have to start charging for this shit lmfao. Ok who’s next?
Oh and this really really sucks!
Any people left out there who aren’t fucked up? It really bothers me how so many people I meet can turn on and off there emotions like flicking a fucking switch.
Where the fuck can I get some of that shit? Wtf? I’m outta my fucking mind and everyone I meet is retarded.wtf? wtf? wtf? Has everyone eaten lead paint chips or something?
lost sorry about what has happened to you
it is the dating game i hear not very nice at all for some
of us
perhaps you are still so raw from the xbP that you need time to heal
it will be ok just get back to your old self and it will sort itself out
regards Bittersweet
It was more then a casual date. This is the woman that I fell in love with after the bipolar chick. I broke off with her because I had got scared she would leave me at some unknown future date. We been carrying on a online and phone affair the past month getting hot and heavy. I picked her up and she wanted me to marry her. I gave her a promise ring. She went back to a man she don’t love. Now will this old fool be that much of a idiot to keep her? The womans body didnþ lie neither did the look in her eyes as I made love to her. Some things u just cannot fake. Or atleast I hope not. She told everyone her kids and her mom who I met for the first time that we are getting married. All gone again. My lifes meant to be full of pain?
My first New Yrs off in quite a number of years. All the best everyone tommorrow. Be safe. Let’s hope for some better tales to tell in 2011. Thanks for all your suppport and friendship.
Hope you all have a great night !!!
Now Listen Up
all stalkers , spouses of bP’s and long suffering on again off again spouses of bP,s , friends , family and codependants
We are all fabulous , loving , kind souls who deserve some recognition for our efforts past , present, and future ( not )
so lets open our hearts and not let the pain in ..!!LOL
Good Luck to all of you fellow friends for 01/01/11
regards Bittersweet
My girlfriend (a bipolar sufferer) has just told me she doesn’t love me any more. That I disgust her. Physically. She doesn’t even find me attractive. Doesn’t fancy me. Doesn’t want me. I will never touch her again. That it’s over. I will never touch her again. I am in pieces, torn apart, baffled and frustrated, devastated. I don’t know what to do. I have tried so hard to be everything she wants me to be. I have totally changed my whole life. I am almost cut off from anyone and everyone I know, my friends etc. I am so different now after changing for her, because she tells me she has problems with things about me, that I don’t even know who I am any more. She is acting like we never have anything good in our relationship when only a day and a half ago, before this started to escalate into what it has tonight, we were cuddling and kissing and happy and she was telling me she loves me. I don’t understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. I am so scared. I love her so much. I just want to hold her and be with her but I have to sleep downstairs now. She can;t be reasoned with or spoken to about it. About anything. It’s like nothing ever mattered between us and she could just give it up and never hear from me again and not even care at all. How can someone want to say things like that to someone they love or are supposed to love?! I would rather be cheated on than go through pain. It’s like torture. Abuse even. I live my life walking on eggshells incase I do something to trigger her into these states yet it happens anyway. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. That I have been made a fool of. I feel sick. Literally, feel sick. My stomach feels horrible. Warm and sickly inside. My head feels buzzy. My limbs do. It feels like shock. I don’t know what to do.
MARK
am so sorry this is happening to you …what can we do to help you ..
look she will swing back again ..try not to take it all too seriously …you know they do this love/ hate thing
you just cant love the bad out of them …just hold fast and agree with her but set boundaries as well
you cant weaken now she has got you at a weak moment
you dropped your guard , you are human ..we can only keep the armor on for so long
look just stay calm ..and she will Eventually come around
cheers Bitter here to help
Glad you think of me 24/7. LOL, but thats Mick there. My BP’s still in line, at least for tonight. New Yrs, ahhh, thats going to be a different story for Saturday.
Well, Mick. In 1 paragraph you’ve summed life with a Bi Polar loved one.
Is she on any BP meds now? Doesn’t sound like it.
Try not to take the I don’t love you’s personally, thats the bottom of the ride she is on. The up part you described was just a few days ago. Shes going to bounce up and down unless she gets medicated, thats the beast of BP.
Best thing you can do, is when the time is right, you gotta tell her shes ill, its not her fault, but she needs to get help. I know it maybe the hardest conversation you ever have with her and it may just last 2 mins before she blows, but you gotta do it.
Read what you can on the subject and don’t hesistate to ask questions or anything. We’ve all been on the ride your on, you’ll find some good support and feedback here.
Yeah, I’m real. She’s going to wake up soon and I’m scared. Scared of what she’s going to say or do. Scared of how i will react. will I go into myself and hide away like she is right? Is that going to do any good? for her or myself? will I try to bring her round? Explain? Try to talk to her? Will i get angry at the evil, vile, vicious things she says and shout at her, hoping to wake her from this nightmare, this ‘bad spell’, this uncontrollable urge to hurt me? It’s the uncertainty that frightening. And @ Mark, yes, she is on medication. She is now on Venlafaxine. She has changed her medication a few times since we have been together. This one seems to make her more out-of-control than ever. It seems to make her not care about anything at all and block out what’s real to scult the world around her into something more easy to handle which i suppose is why she is still taking them. At first she was on Citalopram. She stopped those then after while started taking them again. She had a problem with them (though I think now with hindsight that they made her much more down to earth, but, she’s the one with the illness and she knows what she wants to feel so how I feel about what her meds are doing for her isn’t important, it’s how SHE feels and what they are doing for HER ultimately). She went from Citalopram to Prozac. Still the same really. She still had these spells of non-reality where she would say things that weren’t true but as if they were absolute reality. Now these Venlafaxine are pretty much same again. Maybe her mood swings and detachment from reality is worse than before. What I guess I am saying is, none of them have worked. She hasn’t stabilized on any of them. She takes them for quite a while too so they are fully into her system yet they have little or no effect. Today i am probably going to be kicked out of the house. Back to my parents. I hate this life. Things should be great right now. A new, pretty decent paid, job starting at the beginning of the New Year. We had plans. I have no plans without her. My dreams and hopes ARE HER! There’s a stirring upstairs. Got to go. If she knew I was here talking to people about this, about her, I dread to think of the fallout from it. Bye. </3
I have looked up those drugs. I am shocked. Disgusted even. Firstly that these drugs are being offered to people as ‘help’ for an illness which ruins the sufferes lives through anguish and pain and the worst depression imaginable when all the time they are just masking the effects of the illness, not curing or alleviating, just hiding what is real. how can this be considered help? Do they expect the sufferer to be on this medication for their whole lives so that they don’t wake up and see the destruction they have caused whilst under the influence of the drugs prescribed to help them? It could absolutely DESTROY them and push them over the edge for these people, these sufferers, to realise what they have done and caused and what they have lost because of this ‘drug’. Secondly, less important in the whole ‘big picture’ scenario is the fact that I actually KNOW I am right. That it IS these drugs. She wasn’t like this! It’s so frustrating to know that deep down inside she actually KNOWS this HERSELF and it’s being hidden away with the depression and anxiety that she hates so much. I need to find a way to show her these things I’ve seen without sending her into an angry, soul-crushing hate-rage against me. I only want to help. I want to help more than these so-called ‘Doctors’ and ‘Professionals’ that are ‘supposed’ to be helping her. the fact is she has even TOLD me HERSELF that she feels the ‘doctors’ etc. do not do enough and seem to just want to medicate her with one thing to the next, without real aim or objective, but that of if we throw enough stones one of them will hit the mark! Hit and hope tactics and trial and error strategies being played with the lives of our loved ones. It makes me sick. I havent much time. i feel time is running out. that the longer it goes on the more she is starting to believe the things that she thinks are true. It becomes more and more real to her. Until it goes too far. I dont think i could handle that. i forgot to mention that I too am a depression sufferer. Not bipolar, my depression isn’t as serious as hers, and TO HER my depression is actually non-existant and totally unworthy of thought or mention. I got off Citalopram around 6 months ago or something. I felt, myself, that they were more harm than good. That, while helping me too handle life in some ways, it was destroying the true fiber of me and what makes me who I am. I had a failed suicide attempt a year or two ago, was caught in the act by my Father, that was my lowest point ever. I dont want to go back to the dark place I was in then. This could potentially send me there and ultimately end me. Why does this have to be?! I just want her to see the truth! The REAL!!!!! 😥
ever since we started putting Terri on SSRI’s, she has been TOTALLY F’ed up and NOT herself….I feel that this is the REAL reason we are having problems…seriously.
IF I can get her back home as she promised Mid – January at this point—
I am going to get her OFF those blasted SSRI’s completely….
I don’t know what to try afterward, but even if she takes NOTHING…it will be better than that crap she takes now…
there is a herbal supplement they can try ( and no its not cannabis ) its called 5HTP herbal bipolar product
some bipolars are on it …and claim it to be ok
am not sure if it works for severe bP 1 but it is a try option
and yes they do believe what they think at the time
i am currently being blamed for something that happened 3 years ago because in his mind he was told a different story to mine he believed those people over my pleas and that was all it took… anothers story over mine …loyalty and sin dont mix ….so they convince themselves its u …that u are to blame ( the enermy )
then when they run off with some insuspecting other victim .. pretty soon that person then becomes the enermy and u r the good one again ..depending on time , the moment , and their state of mind the spouse can go from being a saint to a monster in their eyes.
then throw in some ssri’s and the fun really starts
regards
Bitter
I am sorrry you are going thru this traumatic experience that you are enduring right now. Believe me…I KNOW what you are going through. We all do on here. My BP mate is off right now for about 5 months gone and out there in la-la land episode -ville even now. She is SUPPOSED to be coming home in two more weeks…well, don’t get me started there.
Needless to say my friend, you need to stay as calm as possible- it’s very unlikely YOU did anything wrong. I am in the exact same boat as you are in.
these Bipolar bears are straight tripping when they get off balance brain chemistry wise, and you either have to grin and take it or, just walk away and don’t look back. Trying to get them to reason with you, or convince them of anything is a total waste of time when they are episoding. Just get information….shoot, read anyone’s story on here…they all sound alike. Read my situation if you want a tragic story to read into. it’s ALL on here. I hold nothing back.
get stable. get informed. work on your emotions. Get yourself centered. best of luck to you. I hope my situation works out and I’ll know in a few weeks…as I would like to let you people on here know that it CAN be worked out, but it’s a Mother F’er to deal with. Drains the life out of you if you try and work things out.
Hang in there – it will get better, but it might get worse before that happens…so be strong!
I have always assumed it was her illness that was out of control at given moments, but having thought about it, and this is fact….
the very first time Terri went all episoding was in January. Hmmmm. Coincidence that this was the exact date she started taking SSRI’s?????/
She came back about 3 weeks ago…started seeming like her old self a week or two prior to coming back day by day. Come to find out, she stopped taking SSRI’s two weeks prior to coming back….
Now, I gave her money to get meds on the 7th. She started taking them again.Within a week, I noticed her starting to slip back into her old ways like she acts while episoding and you know what? 3 weeks after taking them, I get the “I will always love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” crap she says when on an episode.
I am certain the illness makes her life difficult, but google “SSRI’s wrecked my marriage” or something similar, and you’ll find many other people think it’s these meds that make BP’s worse in some individuals.
As of reading this blog this last week and doing some research on SSRI’s…I am starting to think it is mainly the meds she is taking that is the core problem here (along with being bipolar obviously)
I am going to look into that herbal supplement once (if) i get her home.
We never had ANY problems with our relationship whatsoever until SSRI’s were in her. THAT also explains why she doesn’t “feel” in love anymore with me…she’s NUMB from that crap….it always adds to her not giving a crap about what she is doing and her “cheating”
I am starting to lean towards it’s mainly the MEDS that are giving us the problems and NOT the illness as much.
I am eager to find out how she does if I can get her off these meds.
Raan
I dont know what to say to you for once ..
am not an expert ..its something you cant bring back with love
they are the unlovable
but wish you well
remember CHESS
And if you let this shit go on to long it will screw you up to the point that you may have a hard time continueing into a normal relationship with a none bipolar. You will become conditioned to the ups and downs and the head games. I am having a hell of a time and I am full of trust issiues. So I’m all fucked up now and she’s gone and not even remembering who I am. I will never knowingly date one of these cold hearted assholes again.
Yup, these relationships do mess you up so bad at times you in turn f up other relationships which other wise may have gone off without a problem. It’s like you get to a comfortable point with them and you blink thinking “am I going to get it in the ass here” and its thats hesistation that gets things off track.
Is it me or are all the top ten pop songs full of or about BP people or relationships. I here the word “crazy” in em all day now. Or is that me cracking my final egg?
Things have gone from really bad to REALLY really bad.
Got a call today from Terri’s step dad…he came home New years eve in the middle of the night after work and found Terri and timmy the crackhead in bed together. called the cops on Timmy, they would not press charges on timmy with out pressing charges on her. She has been really distant the last 3 days-claims she was really “sick’….
Crusty was literally sent home crying to his mama.
I got so fed up, I called terri and laid into her something fierce.
told her i am not putting up with thge lies anymore, that I KNOW what she is up to…that I know she is with Timmy, and that she needs to pack her shit up and keep her word-do the right thj=ing and get her ass home as promised…If not, I am going to do what I am going to do and I am pissed and she is NOT going to like it.
I was livid and pulled no punches. She was so not caring about anything…her actions, that her Mom doesn’t want her on her property now….she said she was going to come home but not now…changed her tune after I got int o all of the BS she has been pulling and put everything in perspective. I pulled NO punches.
Near the end of the conversation, she said I am going to do whatever I want until I get home, and THEN you can keep tabs on me but until then, let her do whatever she wants…
I said turn the tables, would YOU like this were I do it to you? She said NO, I would not.
Claims she’ll be back, but I doubt it.
Good news is..she is broke, has no support from her family now, and it’s all going to come crashing down on her finally. I have no doubt. timmy is at least predictable…he WILL screw her over and SOON>
I am going to give her until the 15th, and do what I need to then if she doesn’t come home.
Let her crash down in this cycle, but make sure crusty gets the rage associated with it. ANYTIME she starts shit with you, tell her call crusty, he’s the ahole to blame. Anytime she starts bitching, tell her call crusty. She using up all her resources.
raan
bad to worse …sheesh we were waiting to see what she was going to pull next …
there is always a set of rules for them and a set for you ..if you do what they do back to them, they dont like it
you are there to serve her the way she wants it ….HER way
even if she is on the ‘ dont care tabs ‘ she still breathes my friend she still knows which way is up …she is using you raan
she wants something from you …take that away and she will be gone ..you will lose her too …if its the money or the roof over her head
she wants that and she knows u want her so she will PLAY the F…….g game till she gets what she wants ..
you cant love the unloveable ..
they are extremists ..even when you are looking at her blank in the face she will lie to you
she has convinced herself now that this is all your fault she is in this situation …and u now owe her big time
then this parallels with her coming home so she can justify using u to get pay back for what you have done
that is why she sleeps with timmy ..to get back at u
because all of this is your fault. you didnt help her clean the dishes …
even tho u havent done anything but support her she will use whatever she deludes herself to burn you
welcome to the rollercoaster ride from hell ..they are like children in this deluded state
those poor bloody kids ..especially the boys ..god i hope she loves them enough not to keep doing this…its so wrong they need stability …your life is becoming a nightmare
you have to take control …cut the lovey dovey stuff and shoot to the core …hit her where it is going to hurt
DONT give her money and do make her feel guilty about those poor bloody kids …
TOUGH LOVE my friend ..
xx Bitter
Bud, you gotta let her crash. She wont learn any other way. I know the instinct is to try and save her thinking she’ll finally love you for doing that but shes ill. Thats the bottom line right now. I saw the med post, she may be having med issues, but she HAS to be on meds. Like I posted all the last yr, we went thru 10 cycles and aman was it draining. The last one I really thought I was going to walk away. Someone told me true love is unconditional. So, I hung around for one more pass and the last 6 months have been survivable. I had to start telling her to her face, your ill, lets get better, its NOT your fault, you didnt ask for this, but we gotta deal with it or your going to be on da street. When they’re spinning, they dont care, its the extreme of the illness. You gotta set your boundaries now because you gotta take care iof yourself first. You really do, dont be a matyr, I tried, just hurt me and I could n’t help her.
Might think about the arrangments for the kids at the top of the list too. Where are they now??
she got mad at me today for ever bringing up- look what this is doing to the kids….
I came back with -I haven’t said anything about it for quite some time except how happy they were when they cam back a month ago…
SHE said she was coming back for the kids and because it was the right thing to do…I am just holding her to it…
Do you REALLY think she is doing all of this crap to PUNISH me???
I cannot even fathom whatsoever she wants to be with this total loser anyway…maybe you are spot on…?
She still claims she is coming home…I seriously doubt it, but why else would she say this after I dug into her today? The money has stopped…I’m fed up….I see no reason shy she would say this unless it were true as she has nothing to gain from it otherwise.
Her resources are GONE> Timmy wiill take ANYTHING she has for drugs…he will eventually assault her or worse…It only took two weeks in January last year and she called me in tears…
Just ignore her? Give her until the 15th and see if she keeps her word, and then what? Start playing hardball?
They rage at people who are close to them, people who PUT UP with it. Don’t put up with it anymore. Yea, your going piss her off, who cares. Yea, shes going to get f ing mad when you tell her right to her face she IS MENTALY ILL. But you also tell her, you care and understand and want her to get better.
One of the biggest hurdles I had to face and tore me up was she didnt want help she didnt WANT to get better. And the pysch facilitys said……..nothing you can do. SHE has to want it, you can want all day sunday and it dont mean jack.
Part of all the drama is their way of crying for help. They lit fire after fire to get attention and believe me this is where they use there ilness as a crutch to be a bitch. They KNOW exactly what they are doing. This bs with crusty, she understands but just doesn’t give a fuck. Hey she dont care why should you care??? Kids are the tragedy in all this, you may wanta switch focus, blow her off save the kids.
she does have a conscience in amongst all of those mind games ..
somewhere deep inside somethings got a hold of her.. and its pushing you aside it goes on forever .. ( tim finn )
we all here want you to make it but u are too involved
u have to save yourself first
its not what she says ..its what she does
what does she say to timmy when she is f….g him , u would not want to know …dont you think she would be saying things to him ..
why is he still there then ?? because she wants him there ..he stays because she tells him to stay ..he is the victim in all of this u know …u and him & the kids are the victims of her games
first she says its because her mothers is sick , then its her foot, then its her back ..now something else
she is playing you mate
she knows u want her
when they know this it becomes dangerous ..because then they know they can do whatever they want and u will be waiting with open arms
when that door closes she gets nasty ..then its all your fault …!!
I told you ..save yourself first …take the ‘dont care’ pills yourself …if u have to. but dont tell her u want her ..!! or are waiting for her because then she will use this to her most advantage …tell her anything ..tell her u met someone else now and u are having 2nd thoughts about her coming home ‘
you have to outsmart her somehow …
then when she bites ..take hold and give her an ultimatum …
cheers bitter xx
Sweets right. You turn a deaf eye and ear to her for awhile, it will knock her on the floor trying to figure out whats going on. Comments like I dont have time for your psychotic bs today, I got a date to get ready for bitch.
it is a game, its sad to say. until they get better and really understand, thats where the congitive therapy comes in, making better choices. Shes making bad choices cause it gets her attention, stop giving the attention, you’ll get her attention, then you lay down rules. She dont listen, theres the door, I got other people who want be with me.
I feel sick to my stomach. I am angry, hurt, confused….
The advise I have been getting all seems consistent. I suppose she keeps doing what she is doing becuase I care…plain and simple…?
I am not calling her. I am supposed to make sure she wakes up tomorrow at 6 am with a phone call. I am not going to call. She’ll wonder what happened? I always do what I say I am going to do….will this help? hmmm.
What you folks are telling me runs a risk….pushuing her away further, but loving her doesn’t seem to get much done except being used by her. She KNOWS I love her and she uses it against me vs. giving it back like normal people do.
I am shaky…it sucks. I feel anxiety ridden.
I suppose that I ought to be grateful that she is with Timmy now. He is consistent…a USER (drugs and steals) and he’ll take what little she has. He will F her over and probably soon.
If terri thinks I am totally fed up and by disappearing now, she MIGHT just start to woorry that the ONLY man that has been there and cares is gone and that…hopefully MAY turn the tides a tad…?
I am going to just ignore her until the 15th.;..see if she keeps her word. After, I am goingto get nasty and do what Mark says…tell her I am tired of her BS and say I am seeing someone else now.
Take her to court as an unfit mother? I have until Feb 8th to do this in S.C.or I have to go to court in HER state afterward.
Is there anything else that I can do until the 15th? Should I take her calls? Just ask to talk to the kids and nothing else?
If she asks for money, let her know that there will be NO money until she gets home.
Is it even likely she will return on the 15th??? She is broke as can be and no resourses…any she has will be taken by Timmy…no doubt…
raan
she is an unfit mother …take her to court …go for it
if you have looked into this …that is what you must do to wake her up …
just make sure you tell her that is what u are going to do first …see what her reaction is …
she is unfit
sleeping with a minor
what must the kids think
how old are they
they are not stupid
imagine what its like for those poor bloody kids
Forget her shes an idiot !!! away with fairies !!
cant be held responsible , her actions alone over the last few months must have prooved this to u …for get trying to get her back , just save the poor bloody kids
i would smak that women for what she is doing to those kids …she is a slut basically ..
sorry raan but this is how it is …you have to put your foot down ..she is out of control …and the lies all the time
sheeesh i am getting angry now …
save those poor bloody little boys …and your daughter
thats my opinion from all of this …am sorry it may seem harsh to you …you are on the rollercoaster ride of emotional trauma …
thats my opinion
cheers bittersweet
I feel soooo used and abused right now….should I JUST GIVE UP???
Is there any chance in hell she is going to really follow thru and come back or am I totally just wasting my time at this point?
My friend Jim came by tonight and said…Dude, she doesn’t WANT YOU anymore. it’s as simple as that. She has been just USING you….wake up!
I find that the last four years of bliss ain’t worth it anymore.
I think it’s the meds that are making her act this way, but I am not certain. I have so much invested in this….My Uncle told me after hearing what happened tonight, maybe you ought to just let it go….he doesn’t think she is coming back either.
I feel stupid.
Any thing else anyone care to comment on this matter?
Do I cut off her cell phone I bought her for Christmas again, as last time Timmy got a hold of it last january, he ran up the bill….do I turn it off except for the ability to call me???
Should I wait until the 15th to do this? Or, tell her it’s becuse of her actions that i am doing this….I refuse to pay for her to have a phone if she wants to be with someone else…have HIM buy her a cell…
At least with her able to call me, I can still contact her about the kids…or wait until the 15th?
I am going to have a bitch of a time sleeping tonight…my mind is racing…I’m okay, just really hurt…
raan
you are experiencing the early stages of trauma
the 15th for some reason is lodged in your mind and you are stuck on that …
look I know how hard this is …they rip your heart out and drag it down the road
I think your friend and uncle are concerned they are trying to help you .
Dont give up
BUT
Look after yourself get your self esteem back .
Stop giving her presents and money.
Stop thinking about her .
Stop worrying if she is ok .
She is fine believe me.
They are a lot stronger , smarter , more clever than u are right now .
They do not get emotionally affected like you .
She has shut down ..turned off
Dont from this day forward believe or put your trust in anything else she says .
Dont talk to her
& Finally Shut her Out for your own sake
Get on with your life , she will only want what she cant have….
Do these simple things off the list and u may find by this time next month things will improve
cheers bitter
Should I turn that cell off bitter-other than the ability to call me??
The 15th, she promises she will return, and wants to just do what she wants until then.
Ignoring her completely and do what you say on that list….
do you think that she is going to want to come back by doing so? Am I supposed to not even care if she does or doesn’t?
Do I just go up and get my daughter if she doesn’t follow thru on the 15th? I don’t have the money at present after spending it all on her and the kids this Christmas, even though it’s my turn in 3 days to get Sophie sfor a month…
I believe that Timmy will F up by the 5th anyway…and with me all of a sudden “gone”, what do you think is going to happen?
Is it foolish of me to even wait until the 15th? She claims she WILL be back then, even after going off hard on her today…I don’t think she can make it that long frankly…she is busted broke, rent is due…she hasn’t worked enough lately to earn her government check nor is she getting any money out of me at all….
just let go, eh??? I have. I am. I don’t see any other options that will work for her really. Timmy has NOTHING whatsoever to offer her. he is a taker to boot…a scammer. He just wants money for “crack” She has nothing to give him…
I just looked at the cell phone bill…she is going crazy texting someone back and forth at midnite….I assume it’s Timmy the crackhead. She is going to drive my bill up at this rate….do i cut her offf???
he cannot stay the nite with her…I assume they are BS’ing on my dollar.
At least the texting and perhaps more???
Is it bad to cut it off??? Should i warn her first in the morning?
Raan
you are enabling her behaviour
what part of getting fuked over ‘ dont u understand ?
I cant believe you are still being so kind to this women
she is in the full thrusts of using you ,….
from my perceptions
am i missing something
u tell me
she is sleeping with crusty
and you are paying her bills ??
Pleeez
do you have any idea what she would be saying to this dude ?? if he a crakhead he probablly telling her what to say to you ..they are both having a laugh at your expense
am i wrong or am i missing something
why are you enabling her
I bet she doesnt come back on the 15th
XX
Raan its 230am and we are both awake. Not good. Text her in the morning that you cannot afford to pay your cell phone bill as it is and that u will be making her phone for emergency use only 2-3 numbers and cut off the texting to.
cut off the ceel phone except the ability to call me…she called this morning I told her this…she got mad. Told her that she ought to have thought about this before slutting around…i wnt OFF on her…told her she needs to be held accountable for her bad decisions and I will not put up with the disrespect nor be used ever again.
Told her she needs to keep her word and get her ass home on the 15th or else. hung up…
this is the short version, but basically says it all…
raan
you need to stay vigilant on this
if you want her back you are not going to achieve
anything by soft love ..
she is trying to appease you to keep u on side
she is trying to let u down easy
this is her way of manipulating you to still get what she needs from you
Figure this …
whatever it is she wants from you ..you must know by now what that is
DONT give it to her ..I know she has you by the balls with sophie being your child ..but it is the one thing that will bring her back to you .
you must stop enabling her she will have no respect for you ..
they need boundaries ..if u lie down she will wipe her boots on you as she takes from you
you must remain strong
it is very hard to be like this when you love someone
but she will take your love and use it against you
TRY not to engage in conversations with her
TRY not to talk to her at all
even when you get sophie ..pick her up and leave in disgust at terri.
it is disgusting what she is doing to the kids
she is not being a good mum …
xx bitter
Hang tough raan. If I’m still here then you can do this. Its not fun its not easy but it is what it is. Detach yourself as best you can buddy and I’m here for ya. We are all here for you. But you need to try and loosen the grip. Bitter is 150% correct.
And don’t forget no matter how scandalous it seems she is married to that punk.
Her Dad wrote me tonight and said, why are you waiting until the 15th??? Her Mom isn’t talking to her anymore, so why wait since THAT was the reason she was supposably staying…MOVE ON he said.
Is it likely that she will even try to get back here on the 15th? She KNOWS I may lose my house if she doesn’t come back, as my Father owns this place and wants to have me move into a smaller place so he can rent this out for more money IF it’s just me…I told her I will lose this place if she doesn’t come back….
She wants this crackhead for WHAT possible reason???? He is a total LOSER!!!
I don’t know what the F is up anymore…I treat her great, loving, and this is what I get for it…
Raan do exactly like bitter just told u. Don’t put the farm up for sale cause one chicken got away. You going to let her destroy everyones life? Take the smallerv house and re group.
I ampretty certain that things will completely unravel for Terri up there and likely VERY soon. I am not dwelling on it (or at least trying not to) but she has NO support system nor resources left. Her Mom isn’t even speaking to her any more. Funny, THAT is why she was asking to stay until the 15th….No reason to stay any more, except for that crackhead….
Whatever.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve given up and I’d be lying if I said I’ll never take her back, but ….
I am without a doubt DONE with her BS and surely- Ihave and will continue to stand back and let her house of cards fall…CUZ IT WILL!
I am pretty certain that sometime….I don’t know when, but sometime…she will be begging to come home.
I am not banking on it, but it is likely to happen.
I will take care of ME and MY stuff in the meantime and from here on.
I am having a very emotional day and night…I’m sick with concern for my children, even for terri…but I know she will be okay…it’s the kids….sheesh. Sucks.
I’ll see if Terri calls anytime soon. Kind of doubt it, until she WANTS something. Too bad honey…you burned this bridge too.
I have some info I should not know about and it looks promising she is coming back on the 15th…It seems she is tying up her loose ends at the moment up there. I am not banking on it, but she doesn’t know I know this stuff…Like I said. it appears she is coming back on the 15th.
What do I do once I get her home?
How should I act?
What should I say???
I am going to continue to do my thing in the meantime, regardless…I just thought that maybe I shoulkd have some sort of plan of action beforehand, just in case she really shows up…
raan
whoever she is telling this information to is because she knows it will get back to you and she still needs something from you ….she is not coming back on the 15th …she is drip feeding you again and u r falling for it again
if she was coming back ..she would be back
raan
u keep talking to whoever u r talking to but I am telling you
the women is not going to come home to you anytime soon
u must try to get on top of what is happening with her …
try to concentrate on new things
dont live your whole life for what she is telling someone else
she doesnt know what she is doing from one day to the next
am not trying to hurt you raan ..but they thieve your soul and then some …and when they get you to a point where you are so totally confused then she will ask for some money or a favour …mark my words
cheers bitter
Raan
what you must try to understand is this ..
she doesnt give a shit about you
at any level at all
not many people will want to tell you this ..but this is what bipolar is like
they are selfish people who only think about what they want
your needs are irrelevant
she is a born manipulating survivor …and she will use and abuse who she needs to get what she wants
your feelings are irrelevant
the times you talk to her now and she tells you she loves you which i know she does …is because u are a means to an outcome for her ..she probably does feel love at the time but it is not for you
they dont love like us , they dont think like us , they only care about what you have that they can take from you .
its the cold harsh reality of this disease
I know you say you had this and that with her ..but that was then this is now ..
and worse ..
if she does come back it will only be until she finds something or somebody that will catch her eye and she will be off again
U will NEVER get loyalty out of her …its just a fantasy
for her
sorry ..bitter
No offense, but you sound unlike your normal self..you sound “bitter”.
To be blunt, I read emails she sent very recently…she has NO idea or expects me to be able to do this. (I AM a computer tech.)
She wrote Crusty a few letters…they mention that while she is with Timmy the crackhead now, she is saying that her plan is that she is going in two weeks and that IS a plan she IS sticking to. She says this to him because she doesn’t want Crusty mad that she is now with Timmy.
She also promised to me AFTER I wen off on her bigtime two days in a row that she doesn’t want the house to be pulled out from under us (me) and she IS still coming home-even after I went off on her like all hell.
Lastly-she has exhausted her resources and has burned all bridges finally.
I have no expectation she will return…but I really think she is coming back on the 15th. She is tying up her loose ends…forgot to mention. She told Crusty good bye…good luck….nice knowing you….find someone else, etc….
NOT words from someone that plans on sticking around.
BOTH letters she wrote Crusty say she is going in two weeks.
Terri called tonight. Asked for money for diapers. I said no. she got mad….we got disconnected. called back-I put boundaries in place firmly,and calmly…. she was frustrated. Got all shitty, but I held my ground. it ended with me saying when you get home – we will work it all out and her defensively saying…forget it-i don’t need your money anyway.
Later on, I called back to say terri, I am here for you…I understand, I want to help….when you come home,everything will be fine. Just pack up…and come home- we both love each other, and when we are together, we don’t have problems. it’s when you go up there by yourself…that’s when problems arise…..so pack your stuff…come home.
Interesting to note that from the time I started talking and her feathers were all ruffled up until the end of my little speech…you could hear COMPLETE relief in her tone and voice.
Holding my own and telling her NO must have done something else good as she started texting me later….all in all, it went well.
I know you folks have NO FAITH in Terri whatsoever and I’m NOT stupid, but I say the chances are good she comes back next week.
I withheld money, and she’s out totally. Shoot-she may even come back early.
OK, this is a good start, but lets not forget that she spends ever second spinning plotting for herself. She may had hit a roadblock with you today but she is skeeming her way to get what SHE wants believe me. Her motives and agenda wil be very apparant. These boundaries are going to set her OFF, DO NOT REACT AT ALL, it will throw her for a loop, even when she is caling you da devil, let it go, just the illness. Get her well and you got a shot.
I believe I am bi polar. I will never admit to it publicly or privately. I put my wife through terrible bouts of rage. I have assaulted her, called her terrible names, embarrased her, and countless other things that are horrific. I know I am sick, but she stays right there with me. I make her think it is all because of things she says to me that makes me do these things to her. I even refused to take her for medical treatment after cutting her hands up. I know the authorities would figure it was me. I am going to court over domestic violence against her and I know I will win because she will not testify against me. I make her feel worthless. I married her 2 years ago because she was smart and beautiful and well educated. Her children are grown and are stellars of the community. I knew once I fooled her into thinking I was her knight, I would then use her to get everything I was missing in my life that people taunted me with. My family will never admit I had problems. They think I am great. Not my ex wife. I treat my new wife like she is a punching bag for everything that has gone wrong in my life. When we are out in public I am a wonderful person, on purpose. That way in case she thinks of telling anyone what I do to her, they won’t believe her.
I wish I could buy medication over the counter so I didn’t have to see a doctor, cuz if I do, she will find out and then she’ll leave me, because it’s a long road. I wish I had the feelings to be sorry.
it’s weird….terri was texting me 2 nights ago after i told her NO MONEY…flirting slightly with me….she seemed to like what we were doing, then POOF!
I haven’t heard from her in two days whatsoever.
She is supposed to call me and let me talk to the kids. I’m cool, just worried everything is okay.
I SUPPOSE that she is likely visiting her Mom, since SUPPOSABLY, this is the last weekend she will be living up there and her Mom has been gone all weekdays for the last 6 weeks with her cancer treatments and this coming week is the final one. I have my serious doubts she will come back by next weekend, but she PROMISES, says bank on it, etc…
I know, I know….
I love this woman with all my heart, but I don’t even know if I WANT her back now…she has hurt me SO badly…
I don’t know where to start…haven’t heard from terri in 3 days….then I get a call right before midnight tonight. We talked for 45 minutes.
NOW, she says she is only coming back so my Dad doesn’t kick me out of this place since it’s just me and she has the understanding that if she comes back, he will let me stay here. Well, NOW-that’s the ONLY reason she claims to be coming back. NOW
I sounds like she wants me to just pay pay pay for everything, and expect nothing in return…BUT, it also sounds like she is overwhelmed -tired-and wants to right by the kids by some of the things she said sduring the conversation.
I got the impression she thinks I “owe” her for saving the house (provided she shows up) and that we are just “friends”??? with benefits???? IF that even…she said she doesn’t want me to be “all over her” when she gets back either…BUT, IS interested in dating each other…kind of like getting to know each other for the first time…and go from there.
I DID feel that at first, we were butting heads…by the end we were on the similar page…or same?
i have been reading a lot of the posts on here over the last few weeks. You have received an enormous amount of support and wise advice from many people…
It seems from what others are saying that this Lady Terri is not to be trusted which u clearly know in ur heart of hearts…but its clear that u keep trying to believe the story will have a different ending.. it never does …or will because her soul and spirit is sick … both cancerous and contagious she has infected ur soul too…
. Do you see this yet?
You end up in the same place every single..
time month after month…
You have ur hope faith and belief for a different ending dashed on the rocks time after time…
then when Terri offers a new hook with another slice of soulish fish bait on the end… its as if you cant recall any of the previous advice, counsel and truth that has been given to you repeatedly in the past…
You actually hope believe and cling to a different ending ( cos “there are kids involved and u cant give up cos u have to save ur family”)..et al
u recently experienced the same lying devastating goal shifting ending once again ….after consuming a different flavoured “meal” of rubbish and lies ….
(same ingredients cooked to a different recipe served on a plastic plate so to speak)
You were given really excellent thorough advice and warnings…. then sadly you just had to go thru the WHOLE process of self guessing… advice asking counter intelligence ruminating over and over again…..
Please take a break Raan… step back and stay back …read what people have care fully written to you previously…then you may see what u are dealing with is perhaps a Sociopathic borderline/bipolar liar user and manipulator who is not a poor sick lady unable to control herself. She chooses a lot of this behaviour because you enable her to do so
Have some self respect and dignity and stop allowing this woman to emasculate you.
Imagine the Terri you once loved respected and desire has passed away.
Cos she has. She is gone my friend.
You need to grieve.. Do the right thing as far as possible for the children … Act like a Father and take some control where you can.
Heal your poor broken moral compass Gain strength from God and Rise up to be a true Man who has self respect. Refuses to allow your children to see you be Emasculated in such a way. Provide for them and keep boundaries intact. Listen and follow what people have been telling you on this forum
Take the advice raan. I need to listen to this person too…
Aside from bipolar there are a host of other personality disorders at work here.
I am looking for way to heal myself. I know I have been damaged. The train has left the station and we are left a wreck. I put up a strong front. But I’m not as strong as I appear. You need to detach from her as much as possible. Stop checking on her its only hurting you more. You are doing the same exact things that I also did. And now I’m all fucked up. You may not ever be close again but take some comfort knowing she is never going to be completly out of your life. Your one up on the rest of us.
Totally agree with lost, bitter and wiped out back then, mine too used to come back over and over, use and abuse me and even up the ante, so it was even more painful each and everytime, i had such low self esteem at the time i let him do it, please please read up on boundaries raan, i have said this so many times, and i’ll keep saying it, learn to have them set them and stick by them cos trust me, if you dont you may end up in this very situation time and time again. xxxxxx post in a bit i got a bad eye xxxx
also read on imago theory, how to talk to people without blame etc, i am hurt when you…………. or i feel upset when you…………………………………….. whatever. not swearing and shouting and calling names lol xx
“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.”
“It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with “I feel.” (When we say “I am angry, I’m hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves – and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.”
“Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.”
“It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.”
On this page codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher writes about the importance of, and process of, setting personal boundaries. Welcome
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This article is part of a series of articles that began with Emotional Abuse, and was followed by Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 1.
Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part 3:
Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self
Earlier in this series I mentioned that I would be focusing on three primary areas in relationship to learning to have a healthier relationship with self and others: boundaries, emotional honesty, and emotional responsibility. The three areas are intimately interrelated, and because I do not feel I can talk about one area without also discussing the others, I may have gotten the cart before the horse in a sense in this series. I started the series in the first two articles focusing more on emotional honesty and responsibility – and learning to have internal boundaries with ourselves in terms of seeing the process of life more realistically (what we need to accept, and what we can change) – and starting to take responsibility for our behaviors and emotions.
The reason I started there, is because changing our relationship with ourselves and life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our relationships with others. It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let other people know that we deserve and demand respect.
What is so powerful and effective about the inner child healing process, as I have learned to apply it, is that it changes our core relationship with ourselves. Once we start having a more Loving relationship with ourselves, everything changes. We start to naturally and normally: set boundaries with others; speak our Truth; own our right to be alive and be treated with respect and dignity.
To start by learning how to set boundaries and assert ourselves, without changing the core relationship with ourselves, will ultimately not work in the relationships we care most about. It is relatively easy to start setting boundaries in relationships that don’t mean much to us – it is in the relationships that mean the most to us that it is so difficult. That is because, it is those relationships – family, romantic, etc. – that our inner child wounds are the most powerful. The little child within us does not feel worthy, feels defective and shameful, and is terrified of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave. The other extreme of this phenomena is those of us who throw up huge walls to try to keep people from getting too close – and sabotage any relationship that starts getting too intimate – to try to protect the wounded child within from being hurt.
With boundaries, as in every area of the healing process, change starts with awareness. I had to hear about boundaries, and start learning the concept before I could even realize that I didn’t have any. I had to start getting some glimmer of an idea of what boundaries are, and how to set them, in order to understand how hard they were for me – and how absolutely vital to learning to Love myself.
So, in this third article of this series on emotional honesty and emotional responsibility I am going to be focusing on setting personal boundaries with other people. I am going to attempt to keep the focus on a very basic level for those readers who are new to the concept of boundaries.
Personal Boundaries
“Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing lines. The purpose of a boundary is to make clear separations between different turf, different territory. . . .
In relationship to recovery and the growth process, I am going to be talking about two primary types of boundaries. Natural boundaries that are part of the way life works – that are aligned with the reality of the rules that govern human dynamics – and personal boundaries.” – Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways – by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)
(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.
We need to start becoming aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start practicing them ourselves – and demanding the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy relationships – which are not possible without communication.
The first thing that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. That means, stop saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc. These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped our perspective on our own emotional process.
I grew up believing that I had the power to make my father angry and to break my mother’s heart. I thought that I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was wrong with me because I was human. I grew up believing that I had power over other peoples feelings – and they had power over mine.
In my codependence I learned to be enmeshed with other people – to not have healthy boundaries that told me who “I” was, and that I was a separate person from them. I had to become hyper-vigilant in childhood. I learned to focus on trying to interpret what my parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect myself. As an adult, I unconsciously tried to manipulate people – by trying to be what they wanted me to be if I wanted them to like me, or trying to be either intimidating or invisible if that seemed the safest course. I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings because I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings – and vice versa. I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally as separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.
I was not able to start seeing myself as separate in a healthy way (I had always felt that I was separate in an unhealthy way – shameful and unworthy) until I started to see that I had been powerless over the behavior patterns I learned in childhood. Since my behavior patterns, my behavioral and emotional defense systems, had developed in reaction to the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I had to learn to start taking power away from the toxic shame that is at the core of this disease. Toxic shame involves thinking that there is something wrong with who we are. Guilt – in my definition – involves behavior, while shame is about our being. Guilt is: I did something wrong; I made a mistake. Shame is: I am a mistake; something is wrong with me.
On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief energy – the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.
That shame is toxic and is not ours – it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of – we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.
In order to stop giving the toxic shame so much power, I had to learn to detach from my own reactive process enough to start being able to see a boundary between being and behavior. I had to stop judging myself and other people based on behavior. I started to learn how to observe behavior without making judgments about myself and others. There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition and observation. It is vital for me to observe other people’s behavior in order to protect myself. That does not mean I need to make a value judgment about their being based upon their behavior.
Judgment is saying, “that person is a jerk.” Observation is saying, “that person seems to be really full of anger and it would be better for me to not be involved with them.”
[When I use the term “judge,” I am talking about making judgments about our own or other people’s being based on behavior. In other words, I did something bad therefore I am a bad person; I made a mistake therefore I am a mistake. That is what toxic shame is all about: feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses, human imperfections.
There may be behavior in which we have engaged that we feel ashamed of but that does not make us shameful beings We may need to make judgments about whether our behavior is healthy and appropriate but that does not mean that we have to judge our essential self, our being, because of the behavior. Our behavior has been dictated by our disease, by our childhood wounds; it does not mean that we are bad or defective as beings. It means that we are human, it means that we are wounded.
It is important to start setting a boundary between being and behavior. All humans have equal Divine value as beings – no matter what our behavior. Our behavior is learned (and/or reactive to physical or physiological conditions). Behavior, and the attitudes that dictate behavior, are adopted defenses designed to allow us to survive in the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive, dysfunctional environments into which we were born.]
Formula for emotionally honest communication
So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person’s behavior is affecting us – without making blaming “you” type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . . . .
Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.
The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self – an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When you . . . . .
The “When you . . .” statement is a description of behavior. It is very important actually describe the behavior. To say to another person: when you get angry; when you shame me; or such statements – is too general, not specific enough. These types of general statements do not really describe the behavior – they are our interpretations of the behavior. A major facet of codependence is assuming, interpreting, mind reading, and fortune telling – due to our childhood conditioning. We think we know the intentions and motives of others. We assume that they are conscious of their behavior and will know what we are talking about.
It is vital to realize that we do not know how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. We need to stop interpreting and start communicating. It is important to describe the behavior rather than our interpretation and assumptions about what the behavior means.
“When your face gets red and your voice gets louder and your hands clench into fists” – is specific and descriptive. It does not assume – rather it describes the behavior that appears to us to indicate anger.
“When you look at me with a frown on your face and your eye brows slightly raised and give a loud sigh” – is a description of behavior that causes us to react with guilt and shame. Usually the other people have no idea of what their behavior looks like. Our parents tried to control our behavior with fear, guilt, and shame because that is how their parents tried to control their behavior in childhood. We react in the ways we do because of the emotional buttons, the triggers, that our parents behavior toward us installed in our programming.
Usually, when we first confront such behavior in a healthy way, the other people will profess innocence and ignorance of what we are talking about. But, by describing the behavior, we will be planting seeds of consciousness in them that may eventually cause them to get more conscious of the sound of their own voice, or their sighs. Describing behavior is an important step towards making it possible for the other people to get past their toxic shame so that they can start seeing a boundary between being and behavior.
We of course, are powerless over them – over whether they get it, understand what we are doing. But in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility of communication.
I feel . . . . .
This is the part of the formula where we start learning to express our emotions in a healthy and honest way. This is a vital part of the process of owning our emotions. Anyone who is fairly new to this process, and isn’t sure what I mean by owning the feelings, would probably benefit from reading two short articles about emotions and emotional defenses. Those articles: The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within and Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within can be accessed right now by clicking on the link for the first one and then following the link to the second one. (The article will appear in a new browser window, so that after reading the articles you can collapse the new window and return to this article.)
It is best to use primary feeling words (described in the articles above) when expressing the “I feel . . . .” part of this formula – but it is also OK to use words that describe the messages we feel are inherent in their behaviors.
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists,
I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe. I feel like you are going to hit me.
When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond,
I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant, invisible, like I am being punished. It feels like you do not want to communicate with me.
It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with “I feel.” (When we say “I am angry, I’m hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves – and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.
As we get farther along in the process, and start to get more aware of our inner child wounds, we can start being more discerning in our communications techniques. For instance, if one was hit as a child, then a raised voice is a trigger to the child’s fear of being hit. For the little child it was life threatening when a giant adult raged. In your adult relationship, you may feel very confident that your significant other (or boss or whatever) would not hit you – but when we are triggered, we react out of the emotional wounds of the child, out of the child’s emotional reality.
So then you might say something like:
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists . . .
I feel scared and hurt. I react out of the 5 year old in me who got hit when my father raged. I react to a loud voice by feeling like I am going to be hit.
(Often someone that comes from a loud expressive family will get involved with someone that comes from an very emotionally repressive family. Then the first person will not think anything of being loud – while the second will be very upset by loudness. The only way to work through the programming from our childhood is to be able to communicate with each other so that we can start becoming conscious of our behaviors and how they affect others.)
I want . . . .
I want is pretty self explanatory. But again it is important not to be too general. Saying something like: “I want to know I am important to you. I want to know you love me.” is not specific enough. Describe the kind of behaviors that would give you the message that you want from the other person.
“I want you to answer me when I talk to you. I want you to tell me you love me – and show me with funny little gifts and cards and making plans on your own for a special date for just the two of us. I want you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer.” etc.
Setting Boundaries
The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self. Being forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are – will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand – and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of some place like the Alamo – from a movie I guess – where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.
Some boundaries are rigid – and need to be. Boundaries such as: “It is not OK to hit me, ever.” “It is not acceptable to call me certain names.” “It is not acceptable to cheat on me.”
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that in our lives) – then we will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways. Often if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive behavior towards people who do not abuse us. On some level in our codependence, we are more comfortable with being abused (because it is what we have always known) than being treated in a loving way.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other’s that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary – the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you – a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will – a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior – a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges – and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary – the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically – then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries – it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly unfair to me.
Consequences
It is very important to set consequences that we are willing to enforce. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship – then don’t say that you will leave. You can say that you will start considering all of your options including leaving – but do not state that you will do something that you are not ready yet to do. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior.
If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
~
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings.
If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship – and I will have no contact with you for a month.
Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior – unless the behavior is really intolerable. To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction – and is codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if we are reacting. To go from tolerating verbally abusive behavior to leaving a relationship in one step is swinging between extremes. It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.
When I ask you what is wrong and you say “Never mind,” and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.
I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.
If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be realistic – in that, the change that we are asking for is something that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility is another thing altogether) – and enforceable, something that we are willing to do.
It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person more than us. Often when people are first learning how to set boundaries, they do not think it through far enough. They set boundaries that impact themselves as much or more than the other person. For example, a single parent with a teenager who needs to get consequences for coming home late, or bad grades, or whatever, may be tempted to say something like “If you miss your curfew again, you will be grounded for a month.” The reality of grounding a teenager for a month is that it often means the parent is also grounded for a month. If taking away driving privileges means then you will have to drive them to school – maybe you want to choose some other consequence.
Choices
Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that – just as some will interpret it as a threat) – it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in taking what control we can of how we allow others to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self and our life.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
We want the other person to change their behavior. We hope they will. But we need to own all of our choices in order to empower ourselves to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves up to be a victim. One of our choices is to remove ourselves from relationship with the person. We can leave a marriage. We can end a friendship. We can leave a job. We do not have to have any contact with our family of origin. It is vitally important to own all of our choices.
If we do not own that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship – then we are not making a choice to stay in the relationship. Any time we do not own our choices, we are empowering victimization. We will then blame the other person, and/or blame ourselves. It is a vital part of the process of learning to love ourselves, and taking responsibility for being a co-creator in our life, to own all of our choices.
It is essential to own that we have choices in order to escape the codependent suffering victim martyr role – or the other extreme, which is being abusive in order to try to make others do it “right” (that is, do what we want them to.) Both, the people who appear to be victims and the people that appear to be abusers, are coming from a victim place in terms of blaming others for their behavior. “I wouldn’t have to hit you if you didn’t talk to me that way” is a victim statement. Both victim and perpetrator are coming from a victim perspective, blaming their behaviors on others – or on themselves, “I can’t help it, that is just how I am.”
When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth, we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away.
As just one small example of how pervasively we are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, “I have to go to work tomorrow.” When we say “I have to” we are making a victim statement. To say, “I have to get up, and I have to go to work,” is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The Truth is “I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working.” To say, “I choose,” is not only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love. When we “have to” do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family, or our boss, or society.
“And we always have a choice. If someone sticks a gun in my face and says, “Your money or your life!” I have a choice. I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don’t like our choices because we don’t know what the outcome is going to be and we are terrified of doing it ‘wrong.’
Even with life events that occur in a way that we seemingly don’t have a choice over (being laid off work, the car breaking down, a flood, etc.) we still have a choice over how we respond to those events. We can choose to see things that feel like, and seem to be, tragic as opportunities for growth. We can choose to focus on the half of the glass that is full and be grateful for it or to focus on the half that is empty and be the victim of it. We have a choice about where we focus our minds.
In order to become empowered, to become the co-creator in our lives, and to stop giving power to the belief that we are the victim, it is absolutely necessary to own that we have choices. As in the quotation above: if we believe that we “have” to do something then we are buying into the belief that we are the victim and don’t have the power to make choices. To say “I have to go to work” is a lie. “I have to go to work if I want to eat” may be the truth but then you are making a choice to eat. The more conscious we get about our choices, the more empowered we become.
We need to take the “have to”s out of our vocabulary. As long as we reacting to life unconsciously we do not have choices. In consciousness we always have a choice. We do not “have to” do anything.
Until we own that we have a choice, we haven’t made one. In other words, if you do not believe that you have a choice to leave your job, or relationship, then you have not made a choice to stay in it. You can only Truly commit yourself to something if you are consciously choosing to do it. This includes the area that is probably the single hardest job in our society today, the area that it is almost impossible not to feel trapped in some of the time – being a single parent. A single parent has the choice of giving their children up for adoption, or abandoning them. That is a choice! If a single parent believes that he/she has no choice, then they will feel trapped and resentful and will end up taking it out on their children!” – Empowerment and Victimization – the power of choice
We always have a choice. The choices may seem to be awful – but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we are trapped will have worse consequences in the long run. It may seem ridiculous to suggest that a parent can abandon or give a child up for adoption – but owning our choices no matter how outrageous is a step in owning responsibility for being co-creators in our life. If we are blaming and being the victim we will never be happy.
(And this is a good example of when sharing the 3rd part of this formula is not appropriate. It would be abusive to threaten a child with being put up for adoption. This is a choice that we need to own to escape feeling trapped in our relationship with ourselves – it is strictly an internal thing. With children it is vital to not project our own internal struggle onto the child – it doesn’t have anything to do with the child, it is all about our relationship with self.)
Negotiation
We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space – physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person may not be able or willing to change their behavior – and that we are prepared to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.
I was scared of setting boundaries because the little boy in me was afraid of: hurting other people; having other people be angry at me; being abandoned; losing the relationship. Ultimately, it came down to: people will go away if I say no or set a boundary with them.
I had to become willing to take that risk. I had to decide that I had enough worth to stand up for myself even if people did go away. And some people did go away. Some people do still when I set a boundary. But I was also amazed to see that some of the people that I set a boundary with started to treat me with more respect. They were able to hear me and valued me enough to change their behavior.
By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the wonderful gift of getting what I wanted – some of the time. I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling friends, were not really friends at all – because as long as I did not know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse me, shame me, abandon and betray me.
I came to the realization that anyone who is a friend is someone I can communicate with – and be able to negotiate boundaries with. The vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid line in the sand. Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves. This is very true in romantic relationships – and is the standard for all relationships.
What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. We want friends who are allies. With alliances it is necessary to negotiate boundaries. Here is what I am willing to do, and here is what I need from you. We want a romantic relationship with a partner who will share our journey with us. In order to make that possible it is necessary to communicate, share feelings, and negotiate agreements about behavior. By setting boundaries, we are communicating with another person. We are telling them who we are and what we need. It is much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect them to read our minds – and then punish them when they cannot.
Often it is little things that seem inconsequential that it is most important to set boundaries about. Irritating little habits or mannerism of another person. The irritating little things will grow into huge monsters unless we learn to communicate and negotiate. When we stuff our feelings we build up resentments. Resentments are victim feelings – the feeling that somebody is doing something to us. If we don’t speak up and take the risk of sharing how we feel, we will end up blowing up and/or being passive aggressive – and damaging the relationship.
Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.
By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the wonderful gift of getting what I wanted – some of the time. I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling friends, were not really friends at all – because as long as I did not know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse me, shame me, abandon and betray me.
this bit is really really right. without boundaries we are destined to be walked all over!!!!!!!!!!!!
terri and i reached an agreement tonight. I think we are now on the same page.
We are going to just be roommates with benefits. I am going to look for another mate in the long run. I have given up trying to make the relationship work.
IF either party feels more for the other in the process, we’ll talk about it, but I am done with it all. I’ll take my Family back in, and we’ll just see how it goes, but i was clear that expecting us to get back together is past due.
I DO expect respect, honesty and CLEAR communication though under this house and we’ll just take it day by day…NO LIES.
If she can deal with this – and she loved the idea actually….then all is well.
So, I get my kids back, and we take care of them together.
If either of us starts wanting more, well…we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but NEITHER of us wants to be in a relationship right now…and by the way…she dumped timmy the crackhead AND crusty.
This is funny…We both came to this decision by coincidence at the same time….odd.
It feels good. I gave up right at the time she dumped those other guys….I wonder if she comes back wanting more….
I am perfectly fine with this arrangement.
I am not going to put up with paying for her dates if she goes out on some either – that’s on her as it isn’t my responsibility.
I know this much….I’m looking elsewhere. I am through playing games with a manic BP that has no respect for my needs. I’ll have them filled elsewhere.
That’s it…..
I hope that this arrangement works….
Who knows….perhaps we’ll end up back together IF she gets well, but I am not looking for one with her.
Wow! My, have things changed and I mean for the BETTER!!! terri and I just got off of the phone. She called me and talked to me for about an hour.
it’s like – hmmm…like it used to be. i mean…she’s TALKING to me again. telling me about how her night went…opening up to me like we used to relate with each other.
It’s almost like she is my best friend again. All it took was for me to tell her I don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore and POOF! She is all into talking to me again…
What did someone say on here…they do things backwards? So, by NOT wanting her..she wants me in her life again??? It’s so weird. There is a night and day difference. She is talking about things she hasn’t talked about with me in 5 months or more. It’s like we got closer by coming to terms that we are over with. How is this possible?
They want what they can’t have? Well…it’s funny, now that I’m done with her…she finally comes around…idiotic
What am I to expect now? the more do my own thing-and now that I want to be with someone else…the more she’ll want me? is this how it is? Fricking backwards woman!
Amazing.
So…it really really seems like she is coming home now. Since there isn’t any pressure to be in a relationship anymore…now she wants to come home…she’s talking about what she is bringing…what she isn’t …I mean…she is TOTALLY different after the earlier conversation. We’re laughing…cutting up…talking about old times…sentimental…
She has made it clear to me too that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ANYBODY either. No one.
She wants to work on herself and just get a grip on life. learn from all of the bad mistakes she has made over the last 5 months in particular. She’s remorseful, confused and wants to get well…
wow.
All it took was to let go finally. I can’t believe that I hung on as long as i did. Shoot, what a total waste of time the last 5 months was. I should have just told her good bye and I’m done with you a long time ago…perhaps had I done that before I got tired of her BS, we would have been back together. I suppose that I was enabling her and lost all respect from her by trying to work things out. Now that I don’t want to be in a relationship with her, she respects me and wants to come back. Go figure.
I wonder if this is some game…but after all the baiting she did, and all of her lies…THIS time, I don’t think she is just doing the same crap. I believe that she is REALLY coming back now…now that we’re over with.
Fricking opposite of what any normal person would do.
ANY COMMENTS??? I would really like to hear what you people think about all of this.
As a matter of fact…she did most of the talking. All in all, I spent over two plus hours on the phone tonight with her , and she didn’t want to stop talking!!!!
WTF???
Is she setting me up for another scheme??? I don’t even get that from her… besides…I don’t want her anymore…so I ain’t buying it even if there was some plan to get something out of me.
Is that all it took? Just stop buying into trying to get back together? I am blown away.
This Essay:
The Cracked Vase, The Slippery Slope, and
The Death of a Thousand Cuts Report as Spam? Not.
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We’ve probably all seen at some time an old white porcelain vase, riddled with cracks that have turned black over time. The vase itself is still intact, and probably still holds water. But its purpose is to look pretty, and it simply can’t function anymore. Any one of the cracks could be overlooked, but over time the accumulation just overwhelms the form of the vase, changing its character. From a distance it might look fine; up close it just doesn’t work anymore.
I use this analogy to give insight into intimate relationships with narcissists. Like a slippery slope that we step onto and can never get back up from, and the death of a thousand cuts that, slowly, so slowly, by small injuries leads to the end of life, the cracked vase is symbolic of the relentless deterioration in a relationship with a narcissist.
The Dynamic of Injury
I’ve explained before that the fundamental psychological energy or dynamic of a narcissist is fear of being perceived as flawed. Narcissists prefer to rise above all flaws, straining every public muscle be the perfect whatever. Many people wrongly interpret this “rise above” defense as a need for adoration or “narcissistic supply.” It’s not the positive feedback, though, that narcissists seek. It is the assurance of the absence of any negatives. It is the relief of fear that moves narcissists, not adoration to match a self-adoration. Actually narcissists operate with a fundamental belief that they are despicable, and others will readily see this without the defensive shield of outward perfection. The thing that makes them comfortable that no one sees this inner despicable nature is the feedback assuring them of how great they are.
I’ve also written a lot about narcissistic defenses to the suggestion of a flaw. A suggestion could be an outright criticism by another. This is generally the worst insult, especially if done publicly. But a suggestion may not be intended by the other. A neutral comment about something may be interpreted by a narcissist as implying a criticism. It’s important to remember that narcissists have a fundamental belief about themselves that they are despicable. Another way to say that: there isn’t just one thing narcissists see in themselves as flawed. They believe that most all of their traits are flaws; they they are riddled with flaws (there’s that word again.) Thus, simply making a benign comment that touches the nature of any of these myriad flaws may cause – through the irrational and fundamentally inexplicable mental processes of the disordered narcissistic mind – the narcissist to feel criticized about that particular characteristic.
There’s a third way that narcissists can feel criticized. This one is the most puzzling of all for us. Like all of us, narcissists carry a huge store of memories. Now, the clinicians and statisticians will not concur with my observation, but I have very rarely been told of a narcissists without also hearing of severe and prolonged mistreatment of that person in their childhood. My belief, based on these many written stories and consulting conversations, is that narcissism is “learned.” I put that in quotes because narcissistic minds are truly disordered, not educated. But I believe the disordering comes from experience. Narcissists, as children, experience a world that is unpredictable; irrational; and sometimes intensely hurtful. Unpredictable is the most important aspect – there is no way to cope with this unpredictability. Intensely hurtful punishment is inflicted on these children for no understandable reason. Children naturally do the same thing we do as adults – they associate the reason for the punishment with themselves. They believe they deserved it. It is intense; therefore the child must be despicable. Moreover their minds become alert to danger everywhere; since punishment is always possible regardless of situation.
But more importantly, this leaves the narcissist with a store of memories that connect ordinary, everyday actions – actions that in themselves had no flaw and no reason to be criticized – with intense and hurtful punishment. My belief is that this store of memories is not in the conscious awareness of the narcissist. They cannot recount these hundreds or thousands of incidents in which they were brutalized for no discernable reason. Yet the associations remain in memory.
In ordinary situations, we might be subject to violent outbursts that have no observable cause. I believe these outbursts are often triggered by these associations in memory. Perhaps as a child, a narcissist was verbally brutalized for something innocent, like putting a spoon in with the forks in the drawer. Even though the narcissist may not remember the incident explicitly, we might be in that same situation with the narcissist, and find ourselves suffering a similar brutal attack – again for no discernable reason. I believe that the narcissists mind has categorized that situation as one of intense danger, and the experience triggers a reaction of fear, leading to the outburst.
The Cracked Vase
At this point you are perhaps wondering what all this has to do with cracked vases or slippery slopes. And your puzzlement is understandable, so let’s address it.
The bottom line from these dynamics is this: ordinary life with anyone raises criticisms. In life with a narcissist, not only explicit criticism is at play, but also these two other forms of self-implied criticism and triggered re-experienced criticism. It is impossible to have a lasting relationship with anyone without accumulating a growing history of critical experiences. With a narcissist, the number experiences for the narcissist is multiplied by their disease process.
For emotionally healthy people, these experiences pose no problem. We deal with them, process, and move on. Only the really serious criticisms have lasting impact. In some cases, say we were stuck in traffic and late, the criticism (say of being late) has no relevance to us personally. In other cases we make amends or change and move on. Moreover, criticism causes us no special anguish. It is just part of life to be imperfect and we are comfortable with that.
But for narcissists the experience is totally different. First, those criticisms cause intense anguish. Often that anguish leads to violent, hurtful reactions, which are themselves a source of implied criticism. And narcissists’ minds are disordered. Presumably because of their unsafe and unpredictable environment growing up, their minds assign phenomenal priority to these critical experiences. They don’t process the experience and move on; they catalog and retain these, probably as a defense against future hurt. Each critical experience forms a new crack in the vase of the relationship; it is a cut into the fabric of the narcissist’s safety net.
These cuts don’t heal, but rather sit exposed. Touching upon a subject of prior criticism triggers the anguish of the original experience. Like the insignificant act of putting a spoon with the forks, or simply mentioning a subject involving a past criticism, touching these cuts leads to intense reactions. The cracks in the vase build and build, gathering soil and darkening a once beautiful vessel.
This slippery slope that we step onto when we build an intimate relationship with a narcissist has no escape. We slide down this slope without recourse. The cuts cannot be healed; the cracks cannot be hidden. As time progresses, sensitivities increase. More and more of daily life and the very essence of the relationship is ensnared in this web of illness. It becomes more and more difficult to maintain any kind of stable interaction.
Breaking Point: When the Narcissist Leaves
Eventually, it is common for the narcissist to leave. There are so many cuts being reopened; so many cracks in this now obviously flawed vase; it is just too painful too much of the time. Exiting the relationship stops the pain. Getting into some other situation, with some other people, enables a new start. A fresh, clean vase can be offered. No history of experience exists yet to be touched and set off. For a time, at least, some relief is found.
But only for a time. Abandoning a spouse or partner presents its own trap. This, after all, is the mark of a flaw in the narcissist. They may say they miss you; more likely reflecting on their abandoning action has left them with new anguish from the seriousness of that flaw. Often they return, promising better behavior and a new commitment to the relationship.
The renewed relationship, however, suffers from the same challenge as before, now aggravated by the narcissist’s abandonment. The slide continues, seemingly every slight interaction triggers an intense reaction by the narcissist. In time the same energy forms, and the narcissist flees, seeking safety and relief from internal anguish. This cycle can repeat many times.
As we often do, we can mistakenly use the frame of reference of a healthy person in evaluating what is happening. The narcissist returns, contrite, and promising effort and commitment to change and improve. From an emotionally healthy person, this signals a new opportunity; a new direction, and hope for a better future. If we are not fully aware of the disease process we are dealing with, we can be persuaded to commit to this path.
The problem this presents is twofold. First, the burden of change lies almost completely with the narcissist. Because their diseased reactions are self-generated, there is little we can do to improve things. Second, narcissists live in a catch-22 of diseased mental processing. Their intense fear of recognizing flaws in themselves triggers defense mechanisms that distort reality – in effect magically erasing flaws. They are intractably unable to recognize that they are ill. Without this recognition, they are incapable of participating in a process of change. They can’t get better because their disease prevents them from accepting that they are ill.
Like a vase that has cracked so much that it becomes an eyesore and not a thing a beauty; like the victim cut so many times that any touch results in anguish; the relationship has slid down the slope and cannot be pushed back up. There are some few ways that change can be fostered in a narcissist; but they are usually not under our control. We must recognize the dynamic of this deterioration; realize what the future holds; and make decisions to change the only thing we can control: our actions. I often face the question: “How can I fix this?” The answer is that we can not. Once the relationship reaches the point where the narcissist is escaping by leaving, the possibility of improvement is very small.
Update…i know you people probably think she is full of shit, but she told me today she is packing…will be back by Friday latest. She astounds me….
I don’t see how she can burn me with this new situation as it is now. I will just see what happens, but as long as I am not playing or going along with her drama whatsoever, I can’t get hurt…right?
I finally REALLY let go…and she comes running.
Now, I have to keep it like this permanently, correct?
Don’t get sucked in…don’t get re-attached…
Look elsewhere for love…cuz she isn’t able to offer it.
Stand my ground…continue to establish boundaries…
Look after ME…and my children.
Focus on MY needs…and continue to not worry about hers.
Is it possible that this will work or am I setting myself up to lose???
I appreciate any comments you have about all of these new developments.
I am telling you…THIS time…THIS is different, or IS it?
I am on my guard, and don’t believe anything she says, but I really think that this is different…AND real.
She’s packing as we speak (or so she says)-
Oh! She is bringing the oldest boy back too to enrole in school HERE vs. leaving him with her Mom so he could finish the school he was at…this is promising as it appears she is serious about staying here more so (longterm) with bringing him back HERE to go to school.
I am not stupid, but in THIS case, I DO believe she is coming back by Friday.
raan
she will always do the opposite !!
they dont like to admit that there has been a mistake made on their behalf …so as long as you dont pay too much attention to the actual situation that is at hand …naming her moving back in
just keep busy …perhaps even not be there when she does come back
if she moves back try not to notice..!! or talk about the
obvious ..stay quiet
let things settle …in fact you may never be able to bring up what has happened in the last couple of minths if you know whats good for you .. 🙂
alive and swimming from OZ
we are losing our city to water : (
I am all messed up mentally… between the abusive marriage I have been in… and the bp relationship…. I no longer trust… or believe I can receive love…. the weirdest thing has happened to me two days ago… my old boyfriend… who I was in love, my first love, thirty years ago, emailed me on Sunday… he found my name on Google and my email address too… he contacted me saying he had always loved me…. had married someone else… with whom he doesn’t get along….. and to make a long story short said he always loved me… well… because of the bp experience and all, I am hardly able to believe him…. I am expecting this to be a sham… for him to think I am repulsive just like my bp did… I am holding back… I am not excited at all like I thought I would be…. I am flat… without emotion…. except for the fact that I hardly slept, but it was as if I was having an out of body experience, as if I wasn’t really part of the scene…. I am not able to open up… I am dead emotionally…. I think that this is what my brain is doing to avoid any further hurt and injury…. did this happen to you guys too? I am almost reveling in the fact that I am emotionless… I am robotic almost…. this should have been the most stunning experience of my life: I loved this guy so much when I was 21, that I would have given my life for him, but my bp love has taken over even that… can it be brain chemicals?…. I know this has happened to you guys too… we should do a study about this… it’s unbelievable… 🙂
Wow josie, that is uncanny, its very similar to me, last year an old boyfriend contacted me through facebook, we were together when i was sixteen to seventeen, he had just split from his gf and me around 3 months from the BP. he lives down south and me in the north now, he drove up to visit and we got on well, but i too am like you, i am emotionally dead for the time being, i was scared and i have ran away. i stopped texting and talking to him on the phone and basically i have done his head in, i am cold, he keeps asking me what the matter is and the more he does this, even tho i have tried to explain, i run away more, i want it all to go away, i want none of it to ever of happened, but josie everything happens for a reason, and in him i saw myself, how i was, used to be, whatever, its neediness and clinginess and very low self esteem, almost as if someone was trying to show me something i’d never seen before or understood, if that makes any sense at all. so i have learnt something, i guess!! clinginess and neediness does push people away. the mere word “love” made me run mile, is it cos we associate love with hurt and pain like with the BP or what??? dunno – am figuring this out xxxxx
Hey all my buds are coming back 😦 not good. Josie you are feeling it too huh. I’m doing half assed with a few woman found another free singles site and chatted with three woman. One called me and started telling me her troubles. I hung up on her and unfriended her fast. I’m finding I can numb myself down by talking to and going out with so many woman I don’t remember there names. I want to be numb too josie I’d sell myself to the devil for some good ol fashion don’t give a fuck. The chick michelle went back to old suger daddy so her kids can finish school. Whoreing herself out for free tuition. Wtf kinda people are out there? They all suck! Still can’t think of anything exciting to do. Maybe a one man crime spree and let the police end this shit for me. Don’t sleep right don’t eat right haunted by all these lovly woman from my past and can’t find one decent one out of hundreds. Have to learn to love myself? Crock of shit. I wish I were a kid again before all the woman turned to being greedy hoes. Yeah I’m fucked up in the head but I’m still me doing what I can and getting screwed for it blah blah blah boring bull shit. Delete delete and delete all picturs and text get buzzed on weed and drink beer smoke butts and take the booty when you can. Bipolar has taken over. Everyones fucked up.
I, too, am a hollow shell of a once trusting and loving man. I am flat emotionally to some degree as well. Being with BP that has been on an episode for almost half of a year and trying to stick it out with all of the emotional abuse done towards me (and I took it!) has damaged me.
Something can be done about it I do believe in my heart, but I will never again be the same. I don’t know what or who to trust anymore.
I think time heals a lot of wounds, but this type of scarring is serious. This kind of emotional damage can be lessoned by 1) refusing to give up on your core beliefs and 2) be true to yourself and 3) don’t buy into BP BS and all of the drama associated with someone with this type of illness.
I’ve learned a lot, but have suffered a lot too.
Now I know why they call this a SERIOUS mental illness.
And, I think it rubs off on you a bit by being around it. Staying STRONG…very strong helps a lot, but it does wear you out.
I’m very cautious no. This situation I am about to take on is scary. i am going to have to always be on guard and stay one step ahead. I have to remain unattached…not become too emotionally involved with her, or it will start all over again.
I have to not care too much. Difficult, but I find there to be no other way.
yep looks like the saying is true, only the strong survive!!! and yeah raan i think it does rub off on us, i find myself doing bipolar stuff sometimes, i even get manic and low too, but not to a very high degree thank god xx
Bitter, I do hope you are alright, those pictures on the news are awful, are you right in the middle of all that, i hope not, how awful, take good care M xx
A comment on another site from a person with Bipolar disorder.
Myths About People with Bipolar Disorder:
Bipolars are liars
Bipolars cheat on their partners
Bipolars are manipulative
Bipolars are “spoiled teenagers”
Bipolars feel it’s “all about them”
Bipolars are angry and violent
Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are almost the same thing
Well now, that’s quite a list. It’s amazing I’m allowed to live outside with all the “sane” people.
For my own part, I am nothing like those seven things. I have never known a bipolar that was those seven things. Nevertheless, let’s soldier on.
Bipolars Lie:
Lying is not remotely a symptom of bipolar disorder. It does tend to be found with some personality disorders, however. That being said, I will admit it’s almost impossible to be honest about how I feel with people as they don’t want to know about it. My obfuscation is to prevent the other person from knowing how horrible I feel. If you’d like to know about the blood-dripping suicidal ideation, I’ll tell you, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know.
Bipolars Cheat
Depending on the survey, between 30%-60% of married people cheat. These are just your average run-of-the-mill-survey-answering-folk. Perhaps even more surprisingly, 27% of people who reported being happy in their marriage have had an affair.
Statistically then, at a minimum, 30%-60% of people with bipolar disorder also cheat. As hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder, it reasonable to think that bipolar disorder would lead to higher numbers, probably both in the person with bipolar disorder and their spouse. But with a number already higher than 50% in some cases, it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general. Most of the time it’s just the people in the relationship.
Bipolars Manipulate:
Again, this is not remotely a symptom of bipolar disorder. Manipulation is often associated with personality disorders, but not bipolar disorder.
Bipolars Act Like Spoiled Teenagers:
I’m not quite sure how to respond to this one. In fact, I’m not going to bother.
Bipolars Think It’s All About Them:
Mania or hypomania does have a symptom of “inflated self-esteem or grandiosity”. Basically, thinking that we’re the bee’s knees. This is different from the selfish “it’s all about me” concept, however. Again, that is more typical of a personality disorder. (Not that inflated self-esteem is the best trait either, but most of the time we have pretty low self-esteem, so give us a bit of a break.)
Bipolars are Angry and Violent:
There was a specific systematic review on this subject – I’ll shortcut it for you – bipolars are not more likely than the general population to commit violent crime (once alcohol use was taken into account). People with alcohol problems, bipolar or no, are a different matter.
Borderline is the Same as Bipolar:
Borderline is a personality disorder, considered part of someone’s “core personality” whereas bipolar is not. Bipolars have a distinct symptom-free baseline when the person is feeling well. A borderline’s symptoms are their baseline. Bipolar disorder is not borderline personality disorder. Period. They’re not even in the same family. Some symptoms do cross-over, but that is common in medical diagnoses. (Please read Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder Differences, which does justice to this topic.)
Just Because I Do It Doesn’t Mean it’s a Symptom of Bipolar Disorder:
In short, I’m sure there are bipolars who do lie, do cheat, do manipulate, are selfish and are violent. I have no doubt that they exist. But that’s not disorder-specific; that is part of who they are.
Just because a person with bipolar disorder does something, that doesn’t make it a symptom of bipolar disorder.
Wellwishing if this was true and all these things that we think they do but really don’t do were true we wouldn’t be here telling the same stories line for line. Of course its not them. They don’t do anything to us that we do not deserve. In any relationship you will find these things. But I tell you what my friend. God gave us the power of reason. And its up to us to ask lots of questions of our new partners. And if I ever find a real honest sincere woman I’ll keep her forever. But one small trace of this bipolar bs and I’m outta there. It only when they do not tell you they are sick until you fall in love with them that sucks. They always wait till you say those three little words before the game begins. So tell all your dates you love them and if they go retarded then you can both run away and not do any of the stuff this guy says they don’t do. Oh that’s right. Its not them. Its us. Stuff we do.
Borderline and Bipolar are closely related. Depression and mood swings are high in bipolar, as a person can be manic (one pole) and depressive (the other polarity) the next.
This switching back and forth is called rapid cycling.
Bipolar has three different forms:
Bipolar I–where the person experiences one or more manic episodes with or without major depressive episodes.
Bipolar II
Bipolar II–where the person has hypomanic episodes as well as at least one major depressive episode. Hypomanic episodes do not go to the extremes of mania (i.e. do not cause social or occupational impairment, and without psychotic features), and a history of at least one major depressive episode. Bipolar II is much more difficult to diagnose, since the hypomanic episodes may simply appear as a period of successful high productivity and is reported less frequently than a distressing depression.
Cyclothymia
Cyclothymia–involves presence or history of hypomanic episodes with periods of depression that do not meet criteria for major depressive episodes.
Borderline Personality Disorder:
It involves this Mnemonic (using the word PRAISE)
A commonly used mnemonic to remember some features of borderline personality disorder is PRAISE:
P – Paranoid ideas
R – Relationship instability
A – Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears
I – Impulsive behavior, identity disturbance
S – Suicidal behavior
E – Emptiness
Borderline personality disorder often co-occurs with mood disorders. Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.
Both diagnoses involve symptoms commonly known as “mood swings”. In bipolar disorder, the term refers to the marked lability and reactivity of mood defined as emotional dysregulation. The behavior is typically in response to external psychosocial and intrapsychic stressors, and may arise or subside, or both, suddenly and dramatically and last for seconds, minutes, hours or days.
Bipolar depression is generally more pervasive with sleep and appetite disturbances, as well as a marked nonreactivity of mood, whereas mood with respect to borderline personality and co-occurring dysthymia remains markedly reactive and sleep disturbance not acute.
The relationship between bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder has been debated. Some hold that the latter represents a subthreshold form of affective disorder,while others maintain the distinctness between the disorders, noting they often co-occur.
Some findings suggest that BPD may lie on a bipolar spectrum, with a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders. Some findings suggest that the DSM-IV BPD diagnosis mixes up two sets of unrelated items an affective instability dimension related to Bipolar-II, and an impulsivity dimension not related to Bipolar-II.
its not unusual for 2 different people with 2 different personality disorders to pair together!!! that narcissist and the borderline etc omg xxxx is there any hope???? xx
Statistically then, at a minimum, 30%-60% of people with bipolar disorder also cheat. As hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder, it reasonable to think that bipolar disorder would lead to higher numbers, probably both in the person with bipolar disorder and their spouse. But with a number already higher than 50% in some cases, it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general. Most of the time it’s just the people in the relationship.
regarding : it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general.
Sorry babe, but that’s just a crock of shit…LOOK up the disorder when Bp’s are manic….it’s a common symptom in this state of mind to cheat CAUSED by a flare up of this illness. MULTIPLE sex partners…without any regard for their spouses or mates….
Bipolar and borderline personality disorder are so closely related to each other (similar) that diagnoses are often wrong with one seemingly the other.
Great to see you wishing – i see this bipolar thing is still bugging you. i definately think it is learned behaviour, they just do what they please and bollox to anyone else, cheif manipulators!!!!! my dad cheated constantly, but i dont think he was bipolar, i just think he waas disturbed somehow, he was never manic but am sure he had ptsd. no wonder its so hard to diagnose these things xxxx
perhaps this particular website you got this info on is mistaken…view many as I have. I find that many of them do not document things as you posted from this particular site you have gotten this info from. I am not saying you are wrong, but I am not in agreement with this particular specific info. from what I have researched….it is more as I posted in general. Perhaps all of these other webites I visited are incorrect???
Regardless, it’s a serious mental condition that does affect judgment and when manic…DOES make many of the BP’s cheat when otherwise they would not….very common. THAT fact seems to stay a constant in most of the sites and books I viewed.
Hi everyone
am OK in Queensland
we managed to escape the worst of it
Towns were wiped off the map .
the worst floods in australian history …people got washed away just driving along the road and other complete families got wiped out in their homes while they slept
the worst was families clinging to their car roof and people clinging to their house roofs …..the poor animals suffering …kangaroos are all drowning …wildlife cant cope … broken me bad .. 😦
am very traumatised from just missing out …not being affected has affected me
got to thinking maybe this is how mental illness works
not being affected but coming close to it is so traumatic anyway
Josie will pm u same for wishing
am very sad today
saw things that shouldnt have !!
Bitter I’m sorry you have to go through that down there. I don’t think people like us ever get a break.
I want to apologize to everyone on this string for my filthy mouth and crazy talking that iv been doing.
Want you to know I feel so close and free with all of u on here that I speak my thoughts where I’d otherwise be keeping them to myself. I haven’t been doing to good these past months and I’m still down with myself but I’m trying to hang in there.
Lots of people have it worse then me. But its the mentel anguish that I’m in that no money can pay to fix a broken heart or a wounded soul.
I beg the lord to forgive me for what ever it is I may have done to deserve this and please make it stop.
aw i know bitter its awful but you are safe thank god. yeah lost i beg the lord to forgive me too for whatever i have done lol was it something i did in a past life to deserve this?? omg when will it go away?? hahah you wouldnt be you if you didnt just speak your mind lol. xxx
Sorry all, been on an 11 day BP circus run since News yr day.
Bitter, so glad you are ok, sad to hear of all the destruction.
Raan,
MY brother. I wont hold back. Wake da fuck up. You’re going to get played my friend. I’ve walked in those shoes. She does NOT give 2 shits about you. ALL her motivation is selfish and none of it is for your well being. It will just have to play itself out for the lights to come on. If you get the kids and can survive, you won da war. I’d let her go, I know you dont wanta her that. I’m reading now Crusty and Timy are 2! different people, 2! Not sure where I lost track of the story but thought we were dealing with just 1 crusty juvenille.
Well, tomorrow is supposed to bring my Family back home. I’ll let you folks know how this plays out. I am on my guard and have learned a LOT from you folks. Thanks again.
With a ton of new insights and a broader knowledge base on this vile illness, i’ll do what I can to keep everything together. say a prayer for my Family everyone.
WELL, i GOT A CALL TODAY AROUND NOON FROM TERRI…TOLD ME I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T BELIEVE ME OR MIGHT GET MAD, BUT I’M REALLY SICK. I HAVE A FEVER AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE DRIVING LIKE THIS. AS SOON AS THE FEVER GOES AWAY, I’LL BE THERE. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT I’M FULL OF IT, BUT I REALLY AM SICK. I SAID WHATEVER. AS SOON AS YOU FEEL BETTER, LET ME KNOW AND I’LL SEND YOU THE GAS MONEY. SHE SAID TELL HER FRIEND LAURA (WHO IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW-WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO) THAT SHE IS VERY SORRY THAT SHE CAN’T MAKE IT. I TOLD HER TO KEEP ME POSTED ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS. TOLD HER TO GET WELL SOON.
ABOUT 6-7 PM, I CALLED, SHE SAID SHE STILL FELT THE SAME AND THAT SHE IS SORRY. SAID I PROBABLY DON’T BELIEVE HER (ACTUALLY SHE IS RIGHT-I DON’T). I TOLD HER TO KEEP IN TOUCH AND GET WELL. I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN TONIGHT. TYPICAL.
I FOUND OUT BEING SNEAKY THAT CRUSTY WAS OVER THERE YESTERDAY AND THAT TIMMY THE CRACKHEAD FOUND OUT…SAID HE WANTS TO DIVORCE HER AND TO SEND THE PAPERS TO HIS ADDRESS. I GUESS THAT HE IS SICK OF ALL OF HER BS TOO.
I THINK SHE’LL COME IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO…AM I WRONG???
hi raan
look what can you do really she is a law unto herself
she is stalling for a reason …maybe you will find out exactly what that is as this process unfold …
to be honest I would say it is male related …but isnt the reason she is coming back because the kids have to start school ?
she has had her fun and she is going to find it hard to settle into the house and a routine …its ok to do what you want when you want …please yourself at others expense but when it comes to the necessities of life like school , roof over your head , money and food she has to provide thses things for the kids .
she may settle a bit when she comes home provided you dont expect too much …just friends right !!!
cheers bittersweet
YES, we are supposed to be just friends…but she says we’ll just see how it goes. While I am not interested in a “relationship” with her either at this point…one has to expect that there will be some sort of relationship as we live together, sleep together, and just are not calling it anything nor committed or exclusive.I expect her to not be faithful nor honest, although-we have an agreement to FULL honesty. frankly, I think she is a lying cheating manipulative sociopath in this state of mind she is in-NOT like the Terri I knew and fell in love with and I personally blame the particular medicine she is on for the most part. She HAS to be aware of all of the crap she pulls regardless. I just don’t think she cares about anything or anybody but whatever she wants at any given moment and that changes like the wind shifts too.
I am not expecting much from her. In fact, I expect her to try and get over on me and nudge me into paying for whatever she wants….NOT the case though.
She ISN’T my girlfriend anymore. SHE will find that being in a relationship with me is vastly better than not and I think it will give her a rude awakening…perhaps.
At least my kids will be home, even if she isn’t in mind but body only.
Who knows…perhaps she will warm up to me in time, but I am not getting all mushy or lovey dovey over her…
She says she doesn’t know what she wants and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ANYONE. She wants to be irresponsible…sad…she is a Mother and has NO clue obviously and needs to grow up bigtime.
Like I said, I have two choices here…let it all go and the kids suffer, or see what happens with this new spin on things (friends with benefits?) I’ll be extra careful.
BTW, I think she is stalling too…probably spending time with Crusty if my detective work is accurate and I believe it is…
Also, I think I am going to try and get her Mom to Come HERE vs. terri going up by herself to North Carolina. Her reaction to this suggestion will give me an idea if it is REALLY her Family that she wants to visit or just have sex excapades every weekend up there.
I am not too into paying her way to spend time with sex buds every weekend -which is what I think she is trying to do….bringing her Mom here instead will give me a better idea without breaking my word about the weekend trips I promised …btw, i promised these weekend trips BEFORE she pulled that cheating crap in December on me…so, technically, i don’t even have to keep my word, although I think she will just move back if I don’t keep my word about the weekends.
Maybe I’ll try and go along too….watch her get all pissed when i ask this…she shouldn’t if her intentions are real.
What do you think?
I know I know….we have NO commitment…so why concern myself over this? I don’t want to be a sugar daddy for her to just do whatever she wants….she needs to be somewat responsible, doesn’t she???
Lastly, she could have left (school) the oldest boy up there with her Mom, and her Mom wanted her to do this…but she is bringing him home to enroll in school here…this is promising as it shows a more serious and long term commitment about all of this. I am hoping this will last.
raan
I just feel for the kids
someone has to provide shelter and routine for them and it look as though its going to be you …my concern is she will come back friends with benefits as you say !!
then you will be the responsible one being used for her games …she wont let go of these other men
so as long as you know this and can put boundaries in place to prevent her from doing this to you …a win / win for you would be get the kids in school into their little routine where they feel safe once more …
then take her cell phone off her as part of the boundary in place …that she can only use your cell for all calls to mum.
that she only visit her mum with you and that you remove all forms of independance from her ..this will virutally be impossible i guess
but whilst your at work …she will be bored ?
this can lead to problems …I just think if the kids were given a choice of who they want to be with …it wouldnt be her …
lets hope she doesnt take off and dump the 3 of them with you …could you handle this ?
Interesting….NO, she won’t leave the kids with me and leave. She could however leave while i am at work or just go up there and stay…refusing to come back. THAT is what she has done twice in the years we were together.
While I like the “boundaries” you suggest, it is agreed I won’t do that.
There ARE other things I could do…subtle, yet effective.
raan
i know this sounds terrible
but i hope u r keeping your options open re.. other women
u may just meet one who will be faithful to you without all the mindgames
i know you love terri ..raan but really what is love like this if you receive nothing in return except a constant kick in the gutz
this is the problem with a bp they dont know how to sustain love …they ruin love ..then turn around and blame you for all the problems .
i dont know how much more of this u can take but i did 7 years with 5 year break and then he begged me to take him back …it lasted 6 months 😦
ey…oooh…
Sheets of empty canvas,
Untouched sheets of clay…
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did.
Oh all five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Oh and all I taught her was everything
Oh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Shake beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have
All been washed in black,
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter so why do I sear?
Oh and twisted thoughts that spin ’round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have, all been washed in black, tattooed everything…
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…yeah…
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a star,
In somebody else’s sky,
But why, why, why
Can’t it be, oh can’t it be mine?
Its one of my most favorite songs. Very deep and very beautiful song.
Its called Black and its from pearl jam. I have been hanging around in queens on my second date with a new girl. Things seem hopeful. Already got my most important first kisses. I hope you guys are doing good. I’m always nearby if anyone needs to talk. Found myself speeding real fast down the road and realized it was time to stop before I taken it too far. Just chilling back a little now.
Many people who end up in emotionally abusive relationships have learned patterns of behavior as a child which psychologists call ‘codependent’ – this means they may have grown up caring for one of their parents emotions in an unhealthy way. This parent may have been irresponsible, childish, an alcoholic or had other addictions or problems that the family did not discuss openly, and as a child the codependent was expected to ‘keep this parent happy’ – despite the fact that this parent may have been very emotionally needy and demanding and quite a handful for even an adult to know how to manage.
A partner’s failure to meet regular and excessive emotional care-taking demands is NOT emotional abuse (except perhaps on the part of the person making those demands).
I am not judging here, because if this sounds like you, I want to help you learn better ways of getting your emotional needs met more effectively.
oh dear raan, i think we have warned you and warned you that this may happen, not that it makes it any easier, god knows there will come a time where you have had enough and walk away, i know cos i been there as many of us have on here, they will always pull the rug from under us love. thats the way they are. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
raan
she doesnt know what she freaken wants
its not u then it is then its him
look just dont react …just say ok and let her go because after she gets him she wont want him either !!
she wants what she cant have !!
if she couldnt have u she would want u back !
if she can have u she doesnt want you !
this is what they do …its psycholoical warfare at your expense …just act like u dont care and let her go ..
tell her its ok u can have crusty …because i have actually met someone else myself …
then she will really be stuffed ..she playing u ..dont let her ..
my 20cents worth ..if it helps
regards bittersweet
In your life You meet people..Some You never think about again. Some You wonder what happened to them. There are Some that You wonder if they ever think about You & then there are Some You wish You never had to think about again… But You do!
MOre richard skerritt ………………………..hmmm i could do with finig MYself xxxxx
This Excerpt:
On Finding Yourself Report as Spam? Not.
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[For those of you who don’t know this, I have spent a good bit of time advising people in the online support groups to which I belong (There is a link up top if you want more info on the groups.) and consulting with readers by phone (There’s a link to the right on that.) The most common stuck point that I see is someone who is married to a disordered partner, is in great distress, yet does not know what to do. Too often, we lose track of ourselves in the craziness of dealing with the unpredictable accusations and distortions thrown at us by a constantly angry partner.
In a recent excerpt I shared that my advice in these situations is twofold. First, learn as much as possible about your partner’s disorder, the kinds of behavior it leads to, how likely your partner is to be able to engage in a healthy intimate relationship, and what the prospects for improvement are. As I learned more about the scope of abusive behaviors and the disorders that underlie them, I felt that the existing literature really wasn’t able to explain this, so I wrote Meaning from Madness. I highly recommend it along with Tears and Healing.
Second, you need to learn as much as you can about what you are really about; what it is that you truly need or want in life; and what sacrifices you are willing to make to achieve that. This second part is what I call finding yourself. Tears and Healing deals mostly with this challenge, and the essay below speaks to it directly.
For many, these two are enough to enable new decisions that lead to changes. But some of us also have to get over the barrier of being in love with someone who’s bad for us. Understanding how and why our minds create these feelings is essential to breaking out of nature’s pull to keep us together. My second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! deals with this challenge. You can get all three books together here. Or, you can join my favorite-customers-club by adding my last and favorite book that gives a thoughtful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles: The Way of Respect. There is a package. that includes The Way of Respect.
As you can tell if you’ve read Tears and Healing, I’m more of a columnist than novelist, and most of my writing emerges in small essays. Most of these end up in these excerpts, and over time they’ve become a substantial body of work. They also contain my most current thinking on dealing with abusive situations and disordered people. My perspectives have continued to evolve, as I interact with more people over time. All of this new writing is collected in Tears & Healing Reflections, which is available now in a print-on-demand edition. The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five of my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections. The Relationship Pack has the four books that deal with relationships with a disordered person: Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, and Tears & Healing Reflections. These come in softcover, e-book, and quick-pack editions.]
On Finding Yourself
There is a lot to say about this process of figuring things out. There’s the problem of understanding what it is that seems to control the person you’ve chosen to be with. And there’s figuring out exactly how you got to be where you are, why it seems to hurt so much, and what happened earlier in your life that led to it all. But, when all is said and done, the real challenge in this is to figure out who you are.
I don’t mean your name, or your occupation, or even your religion or what kind of God you believe in. Ultimately, it comes down to connecting with that inner you: that down-deep fundamental foundation of what makes you a human being. Now, everybody sees this a little differently, but this is about connecting with your highest authority, bypassing the should’s and the must’s and getting really down to what defines what you are.
Seeking Yourself
When times are good, we are happy with what we are and where we are, and we don’t really need to push into hard questions. But when life puts us in a place where we wonder why we are suffering, why we are where we are, and we find ourselves totally confused about what to do to restore some balance in our lives, then we have got to look deeper. And ultimately, what we are looking for is truth.
It would be good if you could jump on the Internet, do a Google search for truth, jump to the vendor with the lowest price, and order some for next day delivery. No such luck. Truth is hard to come by. And the reason you can’t order it online is that only you can define it. And the reason you need to seek yourself is that the definition ultimately resides within you.
Now, I always struggle with this deep stuff. People have different beliefs and frameworks, and I don’t want to insult or alienate anyone. I believe, for what it’s worth, that we are all playing by the same rule book, no matter what we call it or whether we read it from left to right or right to left. So let me try.
I think, unless you’ve been down this road before, that you are going to start with someone else’s answer to the question, “Who am I?” If you’re a Christian, then you are probably going to start with scripture. If you’re more like me, then you’re going to start with something philosophical/ religious, like Peck’s book (p. 165), or who knows what else might click for you to get you going. What this will do is give you something to chew on, something that isn’t the right answer for you, because your answer will be unlike anyone else’s, but is in the right ball park. It’s ok if it has some aspects that just aren’t right, even 180 degrees off your course, because it’ll still give you something to think about. Some of the other sections in this book might help, too, like On Seeking Permission (p. 143), What Happened to Me? (p. 115), or Tears and Healing (p. 137).
What you are looking for is some certainty that “I know what to do.” And I don’t think you’ll find it in your head. I think you find it in your belly. It really doesn’t matter what you call it. For those with strong belief in God, you might call it God’s will. If you’re more ecumenical (and I had to look that word up, even though I felt that it would fit, I wasn’t sure in my head), then you may call it finding your inner voice or you inner truth. Whatever you call it, I believe you will only find that insight by inviting it. You must find a certain level of peace or silence within yourself, and you must be willing to hear the message you will receive. And it really will come like a message, seemingly from outside of your own awareness.
To make this happen, you are going to have to get humble. If you pray, you are going to have to do some serious praying—but not just the asking kind of praying. You’re going to have to do the kind where you ask and then you wait for the answer, where your question is put forth in a quiet, safe place and you patiently listen for the answer to come to you. When it comes, if you trust it, you will find yourself energized with a feeling of God’s will. Now, if you don’t pray, you’re going to have to pretty much do the same thing, except you have to really ask the question out into space. And you still have to wait patiently for the answer to come.
I still remember when I realized that I needed to divorce my wife. I was living with up and down abuse, suspicion, and controlling stuff from her. My home was not really emotionally safe for me. But I have always liked to soak in the tub, and often read. This refuge provided me some safety in a turbulent house. And it was one evening, reading and reflecting in the tub, that I realized that my truth, what welled up within me, what motivated and inspired me, was something that she could never be expected to accept and allow to flourish. It wasn’t a thought, so much. It was a feeling, deep down, that my purpose in life was greater than what I could accomplish with her.
For me, I call this my inner truth. It seems to come from outside my mind as a feeling. I can’t explain why, but I have learned to trust this feeling. Ultimately, when we are put in situations that tear us emotionally, we have to find this feeling and trust it, because looking outside for the answer to “What should I do?” is guaranteed to give us somebody else’s answer to our question. The only way to find our own answer is to ask the question and seek the answer.
omg why you full of guilt???? and i don’t want to hear anymore of that talk, do you hear me!!!! whats the matter to make you feel like that?? i too am down, omg xxxxxx
I’m sorry. I think of my kids and I stop myself all the time. I hide the tears from my kids so they don’t think I am weak. But I am. The Dr said I am supposed to feel this way but he don’t know how I am. I break down all the time now. The ups keep getting shorter and the downs lasting longer and its cold and dark outside. And sometimes I don’t know what to do so I don’t do anything and its not right for a man to be breakin down all the time cause iv been turned down for someone who has money and I feel worthless. I want the springtime to come back and I need to get away. And raan he is starting to feel the full weight of being pushed aside by the woman he adores and I feel so bad for him and his little babies it breaks my heart. So much pain and suffering on the inside who ever knows it..
Terri is gone. it lasted about two weeks. She went ballistic after showing up…on facebook 17 hours a day…trolling for men, men, and more men….On TWO phones at the same time from morning to night and into the wee hours…Men calling here at odd hours…never gave me the time of DAY!!! Was SOOOO distant and rude…did not watch the kids at ALL. The kids were begging for attention. They DESTROYED the house, and everyu day it got worse. When I asked Terri about ANYTHING….whether about us or whatever…she would rage on me. She wanted to go get her stuff the first weekend..I let her…drama stories all weekend..wanting more money….
next weekend, it went from I’m not going this wekend to I need to get the rest of my stuff to My Mom needs my help, So I need to go Friday, to I have to go up Thursday night because my Mom is having a very tough time.
Needless to say, I found out she went straight to this guy she met online several days earlier and spent the entire weekend there and came back without the rest of her stuff.
I toook the computer away and told her that we needed the money…she cried. later, she asked to borrow 25 dollars..I told her I didn’t have it…later that same day…she offered me sex for the 25 dollars.
I gave her money to go back home. she said that she didn’t ewant to be here and that she said that she TOLD me that we are NECER gettiung back together ever-and that I just don’t get it. Funny…a few days prior, when she left to go up north on the way out the door and on many occasions while she was here the 2 weeks…she said in a sexy loving voice
“I LOVE you Raan”
Hmmmmph. Yeah…I jujst get that. Talk about sending mixed signmals.
I don’t know where she is…I took nack my cell I gave her as she was using up all oif the minutes, and I don’t know where her or my kids are. (orobably back in NC at her Mom’s…but I do not know for sure.
I am depressed and do NOT understand what is going on with this woman. SO many guys she was and is flirting with…TONS at once.
Got some good news today. If I can chill until December comes around again I am getting out of this cesspool of a town and me and HA girl will rent a house together somewhere nice. The thought gives me hope I need to hang in there and look forward to big changes.
Mark- what do you recommend I do? please elaborate.
BTW-she has stopped taking the meds-even tho they were the wrong ones. I thought that this may be good to SOME degree as I was thinking that the meds were making her manic, and I still believe this, but she is more manic than ever.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Social sevices? Talk to the school? Cops?
I don’t want anything to backfire, but I want my kids if not all of them bnut at least Sophie since she is really only mine to be safe.
I heard today from people up there that called me that this Boyfriend she thought she had since last weekend dumped her…and that was why she wanted to leave. He wouldn’t take her calls…shge went to his house and he kicked her to the curb. She called me today with a restricted number so I don’t know exactlly where she is, but let me talk to the kids for a minute. heard her scream at them..and she asked me in a roundabout way for cash…I said bye.
I’m very upset today. I am worried. I’m okay…but I want my Daughter here and wish that I could get the boys too.
I coulld really use some sound advise right now…more than just let her go….please…somebody with an objective opinion….help me please.
Raan….so sorry but not going to be much help…..in this country we have fantastic facilities for the care of abused children, they could be removed from the home in under an hour but not sure if you have the same there?
If you did, I would call, ask for their help and get the children safe?
I know the place you are in….I am right there myself, I have discovered a world I never knew existed!!
But my children are safe and that would always be my No.1 priority! xx
Raan if she’s unstable you have to be careful. You should talk to either the cops and or CPS in person and let them know that she has BP and things need to be handled smooth and safely and that she is off her meds. I would do it if it were my kids. But these are the tough choices no one wants to make for someone else. I would atleast talk to the cops and see what they say? Cops have a way of understanding stuff like that. After all my father was one 😉
Do you have the resources to financially taking all 3 kids? If not, maybe sophie should be the one you focus on. These are the tough decisions. I’d call a local Mental Health facility first. I’m not sure what town you are in, I’m in pittsburgh, the facilitys here beleive it or not are pretty good, organized, but overloaded.
Cops are an option, but they may call Child youth services or whatever its called in your state and town. They may or may not think the children are in any danger.
A manic swing up is going to have her runing around with her pants off not caring about anything but attention to her and her box. A swing down is going to have her soo depressed where she feels she unable to care for the kids. Are they in any school now? Do you talk to her parents or relatives?
The focus now has to be towards the kids. Shes an adult, BP or not she has choices the kids dont. If she wants to f up her life for attention thats on her, the internet is really a dangerous place for a manic BP, kid in a candy store, that and texting, pics of her box, shes playing with fire there, STD”s to say the least.
Look for a MH facility and ask to speak to a caseworker explain your situation, they’ll advise the next step. Cops, CYS, whatever.
I am really sorry you are going thru this. Let me know what else I can do.
Some friends of hers called me today and this evening. Sje is living back in the projects where she left from. I understand that she has to come up with 100 bucks to keep the place. probably not hard if all she has to do is spread her legs.
I am feeling a little better that at least the kids have a roof over their head for the moment. I want my Daughter here with me.
Thanks for the advise people.
Oh, the oldest who is the only one in school IS enrolled and made it to school today, although he was very late…typical. She can’t handle taking care of kids on her own.
Start putting together a plan to get your daughter with you. Daycare, sitters, family whatever. She doesn’t need to be in that enviroment and if you have to go to court to get her and its a fight so be it. As far as terri, you got to just finally come to grips shes really ill and theres not much hope until she wants to fight this demon, thats the part thats destroys ya, you so much want to ease there pain, to help and they dont seem to care. Yea, they care when there hungry or need money and they’ll use I love you as a tool to get that but then they turn and there face is someone completely different, someone uncaring, like the world owes them everything.
You gotta have faith. Lame I know, but its what will get you thru all this. There’s a greater happiness coming your way, my friend when this movie ends.
Lmfao I’m glad you are happy for me because its a whole fucking year I have to wait to get out of this shit hole 😉
Raan just hang in there bro. Nothing in this life is easy. Actually it kinda sucks big time.
Hmm let me see.
#1 Don’t dwell on past. Check
#2 put ass in gear and disengage mouth. Check
#3 move forward not backward. Check
#4 listen to loud rock music and bury head in work on bike. Check
#5 revert back to step #1 if #2,3,4,Don’t work. Check
Ok I’ll try it your way. After all I hate the word depressing. Its depressing and it sucks 🙂
Thanks bitterbabe 🙂 umm since mark reneged on marrying you… Ohh forget it lol.
Troubled souls unite,
We got ourselves tonight..
I am fuel, you are friends,
We got the means to make amends..
I am lost, I’m no guide,
But I’m by your side.
I am right by your side…
everything sucks regarding Terri. Her mind is gone. She reluctantly chatted on facebook last night, but was about as cold as ice…mean..VERY distant and aloof about anything I asked. She seems to HATE me in her current mindset and appears to have some chip on her shoulder regarding me and deep to the core anger that she won’t tell me about or why…and won’t let it go at all.
I get the impression that she never ever wants to hear from me nor talk to again if it were not for having kids with her.She is SO shiity to me.
Ahe will not tell me where she is…doesn’t want to talk to me…won’t answer anything I ask…she says everyhting I say aggravates her….hmmph.
She says I never swept her off her feet for four years and why try now….incredible. She says nothing positive to me. Leave me the fuck alone was said. I’ll call YOU when I”M ready…not when you are was said.
She did call today, but I was not in the mood to be yelled at, so I did not answer. I do hope she calls back soon tho.
It seems like she is a totally different person. NOTHING like the Terri I fell in love with.
<<<<<<<<<>>>>
**I dont know what I want,so dont ask me ,not making my mind up yet
i hope all men u know who u are fucking choke
I am like a bird I will always fly away, I dont know where my home is.
(this one from last week slays me)>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Do not confuse: ‘Patching up things with our lovers’ and ‘Repairing the leaks in our inflate-a-dolls’.”
———————————————————————
I don’t know what to do or say to this woman anymore. I want my Daughter here with me. When she left, she said she’ll give me visitation in a week which is coming up in about two days. I hope she complies. I don’t trust this monster she’s become whatsoever. She is hateful and mean…very.
Anyone out there have any incidents like this with their BP mates in the past? What did you do?
I think it is over for good…I have no hope anymore.
the comments under the <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> section are from her facebook posts….I don;t know why the explanation I wrote regarding this was not posted like I wrote??
Raan. Maybe it helps to see it here in print. But wish is right. Meds no meds manic or depressive. When it goes into more then 6 months or a year its time to say good by. I know that is the hard part. You will always have some sort of contact with her just like I have with my xwife. If you can some how get some sort of comfort from that it would be a plus for you. bipolar no bipolar sometimes people just change. And the younger a woman is when u get with her the more chance of change there will be. And if you don’t let up on her she will grow to hate you. So pick yourself up by your boot straps and try to move on. Or you will end up fucked up like me. And you don’t want that my friend. We are all here for you when u need to talk. I am learning everyday more and more how to inch forward and away. If you take giant steps forward chances are you will be knocked back in the same way. So stop worrying about what she is doing and start worrying about yourself and where you are and where you are going.
I know I have been out there for the past two months or so. Hey shit happens I never said I am not messed up in my head. But one thing I can say in my defence is no matter how far out there I am my heart is in the right place. I used to think maybe I was a border line or part BP. But I am not. I am just a man who has been run through the mill. Misunderstood and taken at face value instead of for what and for who I really am. I am not a spoiled brat or a cold hearted person. And I hold no regrets about that. Yes I sometimes lash out at the people who do me dirty instead of walking away I will sometimes fix there ass as they are in desperate need of attitude ajustment. If I always walked away from them without setting them strait where would they be? 😉 I am fixing the world for the better one asshole at a time. Its not like I look for them. They come to me for help with there bad attitude so I do them the favor of fixing it.
I know it is hopeless….I don’t expect anything to come out it it reagrding her. I was merely posting what has happened as of late. I don’t expect her to come around. Whatever happened to her isn’t anything I did I think…something bad happened to her inside…and I don’t know what it is….I think it’s the BP mostly…maybe not. Whatever the case, she’s not the same person anymore. it’s sad, but it’s the case.
I am moving on….it just really sucks. She and I were supposed to marry and spend the rest of our lives together….we were so happy together…..
Raan we know how it is and we feel for you we really do even if you think what we tell you now is harsh.
Its called tough love my brother. What you are in now the detachment stage will determine how you come out of this.
I hate bipolar disease with every ounce of my being. It steals our once loving partners from us.
In the all too short of time I was with my bipolar beauty we speeded to the point of talking about marriage and our future together.
One week before she left me she was so happy to be with me. So very much in love. Her eyes sparkled with excitement as she modeled her new tight pants and rocket dog riding boots! She glowed as she told me how this was the year she was going to ride with me. I am haunted to this day by those memories. But I know I need to move on. All has come to pass. I am having trouble keeping not finding new woman to fill the void. The reason being they all want to screw the bad boy. But they can’t bring me home. And it hurts because this is not what I want. So I will try to get out of my situation as soon as possible. Raan you can and will get through this. Try to stop looking back.
While you scream at your woman, there;s a man wishing he could whisper in her ear, while you humiliate, offend and insult your woman theres a man flirting with her and reminding her how beautiful she is, while you hurt her theres a man wishing he could take her pain away, while you make her cry theres a man stealing smiles from her…post this everywhere if you are against domestic violence and mental abuse.
Raan
if you want her back …give up now and try to move on
thats the only way you will have a chance
I know you love this women
so set her free
set yourself free from this torment
she will sense you have let go ..truly
let her go
dont clip her wings
dont talk to her
dont try
regards
bittersweet
wishing
he is still there …just waiting ..
thats what they do when they cant do anything more
he knows you are right , he doesnt want to admit he was wrong .
its not what they say , its what they dont say
its not in your time its in their time
time for them can be years
5 years later for me and he came back like it was yesterday
am praying for your bleeding hearts
cause the pain is intolerable
regards Bittersweet
its been two years of pretty hard slog to try and come to terms with the abrupt and savage exit from my “friend” This guy was so charasmatic sweet funny charming seemed soooo sensitive and intuitive..made me feel like i was so special and our friend ship was unique one of a kind…yet he could switch to being hideously vulgar and inappropriate almost glorifying in his sometimes filthy and rubbish making talk??? …please has anyone known what kind of stuff im talking about?
Did anyone ever notice really strange comments about sexual things or an almost manic need for you to listen to something rude or inappropriate?.. or an obsession to talk about some intimate detail from a past relationship? then lots of laughter and high pitched almost baby talk at times??.. This friendship always was hot and cold i accepted that cos i didnt really have anything to looose i was always giving and i didnt mind.. but sometimes.that certain stare or look that would occasionaly come unexpectedly..it could freeze my heart…but the warm boyish gorgeous lovely spritual person always came back and he just had such a lovely morality about him…has anyone noticed this kind of dichotomy? the angelic moral person who could laugh fiendishly and boyishly about his wickedness…openly admitting all his frailties with disarming honesty? He could morph into a lovely needy boy one couldnt resist but to befriend again
Yet…He could also find offence at the smallest thing or something i did or said that i had no idea i had done…and he would abandon my friendship…He once stated to a mutual friend “i can just pick up this friendship and put it down when i need to ” He would then separate from me and others…then when i would NOT show hurt or offense a couple of weeks later he would switch once again to this amazing person with such intelligence and beauty… i just could not understand his behavior…but i just loved my friend… My husband knew of our friendship ( we were part of a 12 step group) so it was very normal to have calls from other members… My husband had been at times abusive neglectful ignorant and simply not interested in intimacy..even from the beginning… it had been 22 years,.. but we still had a semblence of love and great kids and good things in our marriage altho i felt very lonely so often… i truly did NOT wish to enter into an adulterous relationship…i just loved being needed and wanted…. and it was delightful to think someone found me sexy..
I am having a really hard time just with finding closure…. i didnt want to go where this guy wanted to take me…he knew it and respected it…but he pushed woo-ed charmed chased and seemingly conquered …and then as soon as he got what he wanted he changed into the nastiest savage person who could say nothing nice about me… i had been his most loyal friend for over a year…having spent hundreds of hours on the phone as he reminisced about his problems…his religious beliefs his addictions … his love for and desire to get back with his girlfriend… That was was i was so good at … listening supporting and being a friend..
I fell in love with this person… i kept it secret even to myself…i resisted all the sexual overtures ( of which he would laugh about…state how he respected me but couldnt beleive i didnt want him that way…i actually didnt i just loved being found to be attractive to someone)..
When the sex was over he was like a different man again…stated really wierd things to me and others…. like being a rapist… going to prison and being raped himself… He rang mutual friends of ours screaming and ranting about what had happened between us in pornographic detail… stating to others i was crazy.. he wished he had never touched me..Then went off with the closest friend i had said he felt he had betrayed her?????? ( i didnt even know they were close in the way i was even as a freind but i didnt mind cos i wasnt jealous as i was not in a position or mindset to be demanding or jealous…my friend abandoned me also this girlfriend adored me… we had so much in common..but suddenly i was the enemy???? how the hec? what kind of pull did this guy have?… As far as i know they are still together…she is EVERYTHING he wants… im dumped demoroalised humiliated and disgraced… my name is mud..my support group smashed…they dont want to know me cos accourding to him ” i made him want me” and i pursued him and i was a wolf in sheeps clothing” ??? WHat the hec as happened…am i dealing with bipolar? borderline? Narcissist?
Its the NOT knowing…its the cruelty This guy said he loved me like know one he had ever known… theres so many other details that its impossible to give a full picture… its the lack of CLOSURE… please if someone can identify with this let me know…
wiped out…I am having EXACTLY the same problem right now with my Ex GF terri….go back and read my previous posts, and you’ll see a pattern here.
Right now, i am the absolute enemy. She refuses to let me know where she is…won;t let me see my Daughter or our boys…will not give me a phone number…filed taxes without me when I paid for everything and won’t give me a dime…..**I** gave her money to leave as she was “unhappy” here, and now insists I “kicked her out”…..blames me for EVERYTHING -claims I never made her happy when all I ever heard for 4 years was how completely happy she was….
She was SO sweet and loving to me for 4 years. Now, actually for the last 2 weeks…she HATES me. Will not call and let me talk to my kids….I have no way of contacting her-I even called her mom last Friday to let her know I need to ask Terri something…noting.
I am even blocked on Facebook now on her page…..amazing.
Sooooooo, YES. Borderline, bipolar, manic, whatever….the kind of behavior DOES exist….it’s not you.
hang in there.
Bittersweet, mark, etc…what do you people make of my situation??? Is this expected from terri?
wiped out….does anything I say here sound familiar to you (read my older posts) ????
All I can do is pray she gets in touch with me so I can have my Daughter for a while. Court case coming?
Ive read all ur posts and i was just sickened by what u have had to endure and the way this lady has used ur poor children as pawns The way she says all that stuff and then throws you to the dogs over and over it must be absolutely devastating…Does it feel like a mental obsession from ur side tho like u just cant stop thinking about it? Like theres another dimension… and Its not like a normal friend or relationship breakup?…
Do u guys daily have to fight the feeling of dread and horror and embarrassment???what went wrong? what are they doing? what did i do? whats wrong with me?
When she says she loves you Raan…and she has come round saying this from what ive read do u get the feeling that she just could NOT be faking it?… it just sounds and feels soooo real NO-ONE could fake that kind of Love You can see it in their eyes and feel it in ur heart…or are we just tricked… is there some kind of spiritual force involved in the way it affects us? its not like anything ive ever known before…these feelings of agony.?
why do they get under the skin like this?… As i looked at ur situation over many months Raan, it seems a very definate patten…i used to actually feel a bit envious of you tho ??? sorry !!!! and others… cos at least your ones came back…at least u felt some hope at times…but after just 4 times in the space of 1 weeks of the push pull thing after he got what he wanted…i was just rubbish cast out like filth…no word from him… I was told by my dear friend to stop F$^^#^&&* up everyones life and to stop chasing him??? i made 2 phonecalls and a couple of please talk to me sms””
its like u guys were worth coming back for at least some of the time for a bit?… sorry if that sounds like i am not empathisisng i trully understand ur pain…but do u feel humiliaited like sexually traumatised and embarrassed? I just cant find any one who relates to this feeling of like being raped or something…He even recounted things (sexual) about me back to me about me ie describing really personal features or events and laughing about it????? Who does that…then tells others,,, yet still could seem so utterly adorable and honest when confronted??
I feel so confused..i need answers too 😦
Raan this lady is possibly the cruelest most selfish woman yet you still see, know remember her loveliness dont you… You must be utterly devastated
I think thats what is killing me…as i read back its the sexual humiliation..its like i feel raped i am so embarrassed and devastated that i could compromise all my spiritual values my morals and standards for this friend… This guy seemed to feel pain remorse guilt anguish so deeply… over many things…but as for me.. i was nothing… i was told dont ring me again i need to get over you… i respected that wish only to find he had shacked up with my girlfriend and had bad mouthed me no end….who can trash a person in this way… my husband forgave me…immediately…but he doesnt want to ever talk about it…when i tried to explain how his neglect and lack of desire made me feel and was a cause ( not an excuse) he became enraged and told me i had a get out of jail free card and i should be grateful…i was left haemorraging with the agony of shame and a broken heart and no answers… things are better between us but i need closure i really do..
Bonnie. We have all been re conditioned by these ass holes. Sit back and read what you yourself wrote. He picks out intimate parts of your body and then makes you feel self conscious of yourself. Throws you off center removes your self esteem and then comes back nice and sweet until he is ready to break you down another step.
Its called low self esteem and this is the gift BiPolar has brought to your life. If you didn’t have low self esteem before. Well you do now. There is nothing spiritual about these ass holes. They only use what has worked on others in there past. Like a broken record they will play it over and over again because it works for them. Is knowing they are sick a reason to forgive forget and stay with them? Hell no. You should run away as fast and as far and as quick as you can. I will NEVER knowingly date one of these human pieces of shit again. They will destroy your life and that of others around you and they don’t give a shit. In fact they enjoy it. Sure they will cry to you about how bad they feel and how they must stay away from you for your own good. But its all part of the game. They make you think they are brutally honest and caring. But they are NOT. They will use you up and then discard you like trash. All the while being in love with them self. Don’t fall for it. Am I hostile towards ass holes yes I am. They brought out the self hate that was hidden in me and cause me to want to inflict self destruction on myself. Remember its there problem so do not make it yours. Raan you are in divorce court from here on in. Go by the books and get court order visitation. Disconnect from the past as best you can and move forward a little at a time. Stop looking back. The sweet Terry you once knew is gone. sad but true. I am still trying to find a decent woman out there. Still trying to destroy myself even though I know what I’m doing is wrong. Its been set in motion and even when I feel good I still do not feel the way I used to. Bipolar people suck..
i have recieved counsel on this before…it gives relief and a sense of understanding for a time but then its like i get this sickness… soul sick grief death feeling.. and like a kind of emotional amnesia and i CANT remember what i have been told and the rational explanations dont come to the forefront of my mind.. ALL i feel is LOVE for these people ? I want some anger and bitterness!!!! ( i joke)..:( …I just cannot believe these people are bad and i am so convinced i MUST have done something or been disgusting for this to have happened??…its been two years and i also feel the shame and pain over and over and over and over… what the hec is going on with me..
Are u saying that when he stated that really personal stuff in a conversational way it was to deliberatley actually shame or humiliate and cause me to loose even more self esteem??… He knew how hurt and damaged i was he knew of some really complicated and terrrible family of origin problems…work traumas …bullying…past rejection from friends that had near on killed me I never divulged the stuff about my marriage i felt too “loyal” to do that…yet he did this on purpose? it just seems too unbelievable he had so many good points?? mixed in with this crazy addiction to porn and sex talk and weird religious belief..
As i write this is seems so bleeding obvious…but my feelings DONT match with the evidence…i cant get past the truth and loveliness and gratitude he sometimes showed me.. i feel something has been hijacked?
he could be so innocent and honest with all his failings… HOW can this be faked?? But when i believe and really start to tell myself this could be how it really is and i read what u say i get so relieved!@!! It starts to make sense… but i can NEVER keep believeing it ???what the hec is wrong with me??
…after i GAVE everything ( he stated i had given him everything at one brief stage) he commended me for it… stated we would always be VERY special friends…then days later was ranting about all this really personal stuff and i was a total waste of space…
but Lost…i still COULDNT beleive it even then?? when i cried out in utter despair and was abruptly told to MOVE ON by these so called other “friends”… who had NO time now to support me all of a sudden …i actually went back to him several times trying to find an answer ( he phoned finally after ignoring me for over a week saying “sorry i ran away” but In between getting that hostile killer look …ignorance of any sms’s… asking him “did u really say that about me”” why are u so hostile now? etc… he told me my expectations were too high??? avoided everything…told me to stop listening to people who were making stuff up…then immediately did this seduction thing that was utterly mesmerising 3 more times… only to push me away again with such contempt… and tell my girlfriend i was mad and to have no contact with me.. My friend had previously supported me without restraint she was like a soul sister i never had… suddenly i was “dangerous”… (her words) as she proceeded to divulge what had happened what i had done and my fall from grace to other mutual women friends behind my back…
If u put the anger you feel on the back burner..Do you think tho that they mean..really do mean there declaration of love at the time however fleetin? i can see ur very hurt and angry but.. i ask u this cos I.remember reading one of ur posts a while back… where u stated u could not doubt that love and adoration in her eyes…do u remember writing that?…
Lost did she ever embarass u sexually? How long did ur relationship last and did u see the hot cold push pull thing right from the start in some way?
I also remember reading when u had such a tender and broken heart toward her and it seemed like pain and confusion and loss and hope was in everything you wrote… From where i stand (and this is NOT judgmental criticism) i reckon u sound like a beautiful sensitive person but the way u have been writing lately indicates that lady has caused you to become poisioned by bitterness and hurt. that its kinda changed ur personality?..
I really hope u dont let her win Lost… really really dont let her win bitterness kills your soul like cancer and she will get off scott free…
i hope u fight that horrible hatred and anger otherwise she will have thieved… even more from you … the love and kindness that was once natural to you 😦 How dreadful for her to be able to destroy you now?…she is not even suffering for how she acted but bitterness is the poison we swallow hoping someone else dies becos of it… Dont let her win Lost i dont know how ur gonna do it ( i prayed against it actually to the Lord seriously i just couldnt deal with that as well…cos i have experienced it in the ..past big time… its is a dreadful feeling and i honestly wanted to kill some people or wanted them to die etc i was so so furious and angry and resentful…)
sorry for the rant… but please Dont let her win Lost…ive wanted to say that to u for months now as i have been reading ur posts 🙂
Your greatest victory would be to love and trust again xo
What lost says is pretty true. These bipolars can devastate you. i was once a fairly confident, easy going happy strong man. Now, i am a hollow shell of a once centered and go-gettim driven man plagued with uncertainty, self doubt, and low self=esteem. I can barely make it through the day now. She has driven me to the point where I don’t care about anything nor myself at this point. Cruelty and lack of remorse for her actions toward me has ruined my soul. I don’t know if or how i will ever get beyond or over this.
Today, i just want to sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up again. When i awaken, I realize that this isn’t a nightmare – it’s reality and that the love of my life has caused this.
sad….very sad.
All anyone can do is try and move forward and attempt not to think about it….so hard.
BTW, humiliation, cruelty, rage, anger, manipulation, controlling and denial are just a FEW of the constants that these BPs use to drain you and drag you down.
Also, NONE of these traits were part of Terri in the 4 years we were blissfully in love.
What makes these individuals behave like this? They know what they are doing…..they just don’t care….perhaps this illness makes their judgment all screwed up, but it just really hurts when you are on the rcviing end of it.
I wonder if terri ever truly loved me and if it was all an act to just use me or get money out of money or something. i KNOW she loves or loved me. I do NOT know what happened to her, but she changed with the illness taking over. She is GONE mentally now. She rants and raves about stuff that isn’t even true or real….in fact, she will try and argue a point that holds no water with reality. She doesn’t take care of the kids and that just is NOT like her.
Bipolar disease is a serious mental illness.
it likely has NOTHING or little to do with anything any of us has done.
there is hope I know this… i know i want closure and answers tonite i felt desperate for that so ive been writing as u know… i may not ever get those answers…but I do have Love faith and Hope..
i promise u You will get thru this we all will i just know… we all will
Truly there is Hope.. do u pray? it does help..its the only thing that kept me from complete mental breakdown..im not totally healed but i am a long way down the track toward it..
You know as much as i have hated not having contact…in some way i can see how it is actually kinder that this happened that i was forced into no contact .. I think maybe God orchestrated this cos i would not have been able to keep away..( much to my own moral shame and failure).. But as you have little sophie and the boys.its so much harder isnt it.. You say theres no hope but Sophie and those boys need for you to not have that mindset… to be stable for them when Terri does finally come back ( and she will) even tho it will be to use you financially if you let her..
Raan I honestly feel u need to take aALL the advice about lawyers and everything Lost and others have told you to do …and get something in place to STOP her doing this to u at least in the way the kids are concerned…Get decent regular visitation rights … stuff that will put her in jail if she doesnt comply…and at least salvage the proper decent thing that needs to be given to these kids..or ur daughter at the very least…and that is stable regular contact with you Raan… A dad who is constantly in their lives…
i know u feel weak but my friend you simply gotta pull it together for them…they only get one childhood and Terri is destroying it…She is a thief also..Dont let her steal ur relationship with the kids as well as destroying you..Raan u gotta find a way to not let her win as well just like Lost .. for what its worth… i mean no offense and i know its not easy beleive me ive been in a pysche clinic over this rocking back and forth on a chair for HOURS on end …unable to leave the house… bulimia pill popping to cope with the anxiety and lack of sleep.. unable to work for 2 years!!… im only just coming back from the dead …but it can be done… You need help and ive found the only way is on my knees looking up..
Having said all that i would kill for some more answers and final closure… at least the pain is subsiding.
i started training today…to look after people suffering Motor Neurone disease..i left the house and didnt feel anxious about the prospect of returning to the work force.. Miracle…. you have no idea…
still want answers tho… still feeling the feelin the confusion… its not going to kill me however
Everything they do and or don’t do is thought about days weeks in advance. They will find out your weak spots and exploit them in there favor. I don’t like feeling the way I do but it is what it is now. In time I hope to forget and become whole again. But for now its all day by day. I need to feel anger to get past the hurt. That too I hope will fade away in time. I can only hope for the best and I think I may be getting better but I do slip back to self hatred one every so often. But it passes.
Always need a plan of some sort so you can focus on and set a goal. the only way out for me is to stay focused on a replacement biotch to fill the void that is instilled in me. Yes I am missing my adorable bipolar girl. But she’s not missing me. She has left the building and gone from me for ever. Forever is the sad part.
Bittersweet, Mark….any comments on my current situation??
Bittersweet- I am doing what you advised….no choice actually. I have not heard from Terri in a week. This is unprecedented. In the past, I would normally have heard from her by 3-4 days tops. Now that she has filed the taxes and got a refund….it appears that she doesn’t need me – that is until she runs out of the several thousand she probably got.
I believe that she is back with Crusty now. Indicators suggest this.
The school that the oldest boy was going to came by here recently and said that he has missed 25 days of school so far this year. That’s a quarter of the year missing from school. I hope that DSS steps in and takes the kids from her.
Raan she said your unstable? Sounds like classic projection to me.. Go to family court and get your visitation rights put into a court document she will be forced to adhere too.
I have looked into the court possibilities and there ARE problems…not just with the mother typically having all rights in kids born out of wedlock, but on my end…there are strikes against me – numerous.
i wish i could say it was a slam dunk or even close…..
Raan
let her go …
get used to maybe no contact for several months
thats how long it takes
not just weeks or days …months
your pain will heal in that time and you can then make clearer decisions
you will never be able to make decisions whilst she is running off with someone else
the anger alone clouds judgement
you may need some hypnotherapy or councelling to recover ..if you can recover on your own you will be stronger for it …meet new people & friends
dont shut the world out or u will go down big time
Look after YOU get back to who you used to be
it will give you more options down the track if she does decide to come back …
the power of seduction is very desirable to them when they need something ..its just if you will want her back in the future
you may have moved on and the love is gone ..we are talking maybe 6 months to a year …just try it …
I know you cant forget her but just concentrate on YOU
regards Bitter
What in blazes is she SO pissed at for anyway? It’s like total resentment and anger I have never seen from someone….
I know I didn’t do anything wrong to her.
Why can’t she remember all the love we had anymore?
I am pretty certain the anger she has towards me is actually guilt she feels being so fucked towards me. It’s gotten pretty bad…her anger…hence-the guilt fueling it.
Raan, This is a COPY of a paragraph written by a bipolar specialist….
People with borderline personality disorder have extreme difficulty in holding a continuous memory of people and things over time. That is part of the disorder. You can have a fight with someone you love, as a healthy person, but recall that many times before that fight they have been there for you loved you etc. You know it is only a moment in a much larger relationship. People with bpd can not create and hold this picture. To the extent that if they are seperated from a loved one long enough they loose all emotional feelings for them because they can not retain them. A person with bpd can only retain the way they last interacted with someone. Its as if your making a first impression over and over and over. So as they can not retain anything about how you are or were to them in the years before they only know how you last interacted with them.
If you hurt them thats all they know of you. So they go away.
Its not a choice its a result of a difficulty and in some a total inability to retain a whole picture of people and things.
I dont know if you can grasp this. Its complicated if you do not know it to understand it. Take the last interaction you had with anyone. Now imagine that you have no recollection of anything else theyve ever done said or meant to you. How would you relate to them?
Why do we think these guys have bipolar?… i look everywhere on the internet and some characteristics seem to check out but in my case others dont…
i once asked a Pyschiatrist and he said this kind of behaviour indicates pyschopathic behaviour?… so do u reckon its possible all this stuff overlaps?
Occasionaly ive read about how bipolars are feeling terrible at the way they are portrayed being pidgeon holed as these bad people and they say “we are not like this”?
I guess its just this constant confusion over what happened and why we were dropped on out head i cant get past so i keep searching..
Lost i know where ur coming from. re having to move thru anger grief etc .. why do you have self hatred tho? i can understand low self esteem and feelin like crap etc just not sure what u have done that makes u feel such hatred over ur you-ness … really im just trying to figure out so much here…
Raan glad u had a good sleep u must have needed it… what are u going to do about visitation.. even if u have some not so good marks against you cant u still have parental rights? surely?
raan
I dont think you have much choice all round really
in relation to the kids and especially sophie
you can have faith in one thing that will eventually bring terri back to you
I have mentioned it before and will say it again as a sloe parent of 30 years
no other man will treat her kids like you did , she will learn this the hard way , it will take its toll on her and them but mostly her , when she discovers that they do not really care about her kids , yes they want her but not the kids ..she will find this out in a very cruel way
she wont be able to rely on a man she is with to give those kids what you gave them freely ..love
the anger comes from guilt ..she is angry because she wants to be able to do irresponaible things without you questioning her behaviour , she is angry because she knows you know her …thats is all it takes
she knows you know her well enough to know she will come undone ..she is trying to proove to herself she doesnt need or want you …so let her
she can try all she wants but at the end of a few more months of misery and onone treating her kids with the unconditional love you did ..she will discover the grass is not so green …
she is going to go through a hard time , you can be rest assured of this ..meds or no meds what difference does it make ..she is still the same person under all the playacting
so just wait be patient ..she hates you now ..thats a good thing usually they wind up doing the opposite to everything anyhow
she thinks she hates you because she has to tell herself that …so she can move away …the reason she runs from you today may be the reason she returns but not tomorrow …like I said give it months , dont ring her
dont text her …STOP yourself everytime u go to do it
tell yourself if you do text her she will hate you more
if she knows you are sitting there waiting for her she will keep you there everytime
if she hasnt heard from you and you stop being nice to her …then she will wonder what happened
they always want what they can have or what represents a challenge
so give her a fuking challenge mate …IGNORE HER completely
regards Bittersweet
yes i can see that what you say makes sense..especially the borderline ADD phycoses stuff ….its a mixture… i think too… so many things all in one horrible ball
I grew up basically ignored. Pops worked two jobs and moms was hooked on valume. School sucked teachers treated all cops kids like dirt.
Married a cheating lying woman. Nasty divorce. Tried to do the right thing to make others happy and always seemed to fail. Meet new woman and unknowingly fell in love with bipolar girl who loved/Hated and dumped me. Used for sex and discarded by more woman. Found someone who I thought really loved me but turned out she was using me until she could find herself a sugerdaddy. She recently came back professing her love for me. After three days she was offered a payout by sugerdaddy for her return. She took it and left. Found out just how heartless and uncaring she really is. Now I think I am to blame for being who I am. I cannot help being me. Sometimes I feel too much. Other times too little. Nothing works out right with the woman I meet. There is always some reason to push me away some say its so they don’t hurt me! Fucking joke? More low self esteem from being rejected for what? Being me? Not being rich? Not good looking enough? Being where I live? Self pity self hatred. Tired of being hurt lied to. I don’t know if this answers your question? Met a new very pretty woman. She wants to take it slow. I feel numb. Never felt this way before. Hollow empty I don’t really care too much about anything or anyone.
You can take my advice or you can discount it as shit. But I suggest that you disconnect your mind from terry. You are doing the same things I do and have done. You are slowly self destructing yourself. The more you worry and wait and sleep deprive yourself the further you will unravel in your heart mind and soul. Do Not Go To This Place. There is no promise of a return from any bipolar or any person who decides to leave. The more you wait for what may never happen the more hurt you will feel and its damaging to feel hurt for months at a time. You put your life on hold while they play. Just get your visitation rights on court order and pretend you are divorced. Even if she comes back there is no guarantee she will stay or for how long. You have no rights towards having her brought to a hospital to be stabilized or meds changed. Don’t punish yourself for problems you did not create.
I have read everything you have all wrote and decided to just share this with you all….. you can read it, dismiss it, ignore it or try it….
The only thing I have learnt from spending 2 years with a man that suffers from Bipolar is they will never return to a weak person, they stick with the strong, the people who challenge them, the people who put down the boundaries, the people who walk away……
If you let a bipolar person wear you down, take over your thoughts, humiliate you, destroy your confidence you will never hold on to them……
i see exactly where u are coming from 😦 I can identify with so much of the early kid stuff .. Added to the mix.Our dad was a savage narc who thrashed us kids without mercy many times. really bad family dynamics all thru out also.
I do understand the low self esteem self pity hatred thing i think i went thru that for 8 years just before meetin bi guy…didnt really recognise it…
i think i so needed the validation of other people that i have let them dictate my self worth… I have given people so much control over what i think about myself by believing the way i have been treated must be because of my low value..All very nicely reinforced by these parents and a couple of viscious brothers along the way..
i can actually understand how people develop those multiple personality or “alters” feel like i would like to morph into one of them right now…:)
I really hope a beautiful sensitive lady finds you and vice versa.
It sounds almost like a challenge what you wrote. Basically if your not smart or tough enough to handle these BP people you will be walked on and they will only return to those who set boundaries and are willing to wait it out for months?
So you put your life on hold until mrs or mr bipolar decides they are ready to come back and trash you again.
Wouldn’t it be smarter to forget them and there hate filled rants and move your life forward and find someone who is capable of having a loving caring and healthy relationship? Instead of the constant battle for control? Or a part time partner who everytime things get tough or don’t go there way takes off on you?
My advice is do not put your life on hold waiting for the partial return of these people. Move forward and learn from your mistakes. Do not live your life in a never ending pissing contest with bipolar diseased people. Be with someone who makes you happy everyday. And someone who is there for better or for worse.
Of course it is Lost…..if that is what you want but sometimes as in Raan’s case he doesnt want that does he??
He wants her and unless he listens to the way it has to be done then he will lose her…… has she not done everything we said she would to date??
The person you should listen to the most on here is Bittersweet she has had 12 years of experience, she knows more about this illness than we all do!! She knows exactly how to handle it!
Wiped.. I am always only found for a short time. Usually a few months and then set loose again. The best is when these gentle ladies tell me that in order to not hurt me they cut me loose lmfao WTF do they think they are doing when they tell me that shit? Now I try to just smile and walk away.
Raan is in a tough spot. We understand how it feels because most of us also have kids and had to endure divorce. Whether it be with a bipolar spouse or not. That is why I tell him treat it as if he was in a divorce. Get visitation on paper so she can’t screw him out of the time with his daughter.
Raan you are one step above us in the fact that you will always have chances to get her back. If you choose to except that mission mr Raan. But if I were you I’d use it as a heaven sent and go out and find yourself a real nice steady Betty who will treat you with love and respect all day everyday. I know its not easy given the area where you are living. But you need to crawl before you can walk. So mr Raan get out there and mingle. Maybe take a trip someplace? Just don’t wonder up to sing sing 😉
I said this once before long ago, but we all need to grow a spine and that includes me. These partners, current, past, wannabe are Mentally ill. Yes, BP is often just one of their personality disorders, but there is often a host of other problems in their life.
Many many of the posts are littered with “what do I do?” The first friggin thing you got to do, Is start taking care of yourself. If you got Codependency issues like me or low self esteem, you’re saying “that’s no fun” Well, you better start learning to retrain your brain or you’re going to be on this board for your whole life. One of the parts of these BP relationships smackers is when you gotta look in the mirror an ask, what’s wrong with that person? And that ride is no fun either believe me.
Trying to fix these people is a waste of your time, life and money. Trying to help these people FIX THEMSELVES is the only thing we can do. Do not confuse the 2. It took me along time before I could tell a very dear friend she was a BP pain in the azz when she raged off med, went manic or saw purple elephants. But we are close enough that we can openly talk that she is BP, needs to be on meds, needs to eat, sleep and exercise regularly, needs to understand when the world has her “spinning” and how to cope with it. Needs to see a pysch regularly to openly discuss issues that bother her. Needs to know what to do when “bored” rather then text pic her snatch box to guys.
There are other people in the world. Take the time to try and meet them while at the same time healing, getting stronger.
If you have kids to a BP like I did, you may have to have court battles, custody battles, etc, but life goes on. You do have a choice to make new starts. You do have a choice to be happy. Don’t give them that power. It will take time I know, I went thru it, but you will be so much happier to be past these troubled times.
One common bond I see in the post on this board is we got some really good caring, loving people. Wow, if any us ever hooked up. Well, there are a lot of us in the world, take the time to go meet one, develop a relationship. Live life, start being happy AGAIN.
This appeared on Terri’s facebook page about 1 am tonight:
“Its my birthday going to party like a rockstar!:-]”
It is her birthday today….I wonder if she is using drugs or what? Clearly, she is off in her own affairs and does not give a rats ass about contacting me to let me talk with my children. I guess she just wants to party and be irresponsible.
I don’t think a few months is going to matter much Bittersweet, although i DO trust your judgment.
I wonder if she will even notice that I didn’t even send her a card or flowers or what not which I always have done. Do you think she might start to realize that I’m done with her from this ?
I hope she wakes up and smells the coffee and figures out what she threw away and lost regarding me.
Love like what we had is SO rare and isn’t easily found…
raan
love like what you had is no more at the moment ..
you have to play hard on this raan
dont give in
i know its her birthday and you want to talk to the kids
she is partying like a rock star
she is not thinking about you at this point in time
treat her as you would a stranger
you have to protect yourself from being hurt anymore
if you do decide to weaken and make contact , dont beat yourself up over it
you can only ever do your very best
but know this
the harder you play , the better outcome you will achieve
kind regards Bittersweet
I am back with my man have been for weeks now, it is hard, very hard and being strong is the only thing that works, the soft approach doesnt….the caring/but firm approach does!
I cant help him, I can only be there to help him see he needs to help himself, which he is doing!
Its not easy, its a rollercoaster everyday and you have to be very patient, it will never be just normal….
haven’t talked to my kids in 3 weeks. i’m starting to become very depressed. it’s affecting my work, and attitude badly. i was hoping she would call by now, but no such luck/ i don’t know if contacting her via a letter or calling her mom to ask to speak to my kids is good or bad….ignore her is what most people think, but i am having difficulty with the silence.
I would see a lawyer Raan and just get access to the kids, for your sake and definitely for theirs??
Shes not who you thought you knew….none of them are after the mask slips away, you will find one day you wont want whats left but for now, get access to the children!!
Yes, the silence is deafening. It is a dead silence. It goes on and on forever and you wonder if this person has a heart, or is at least slightly human. It happened to me too. The silence, after a year of loving, was like an ax on my hopes, a guillotine that chopped off my longing for love.
From everything we have learned on this blog and on google sites on bipolar, they truly change their minds when their moods shift. They are two people, if not more, and each mood is like another personality, another person. It’s almost like multiple personality disorder. At this moment Terri is someone else: cold, selfish, uncaring towards you. It’s not your fault. It’s not about you. You could be Brad Pitt or Jesus and it wouldn’t matter. It’s her mental illness. The sick part is that she will never heal. She will go on like this her whole life. Although you love her, my advice is for you to heal: see a therapist, surround yourself with family, friends, loved ones etc., take up new hobbies, interests, dating, whatever… please do this for your sake or she will drag you down to your self destruction… you can’t fix her mental illness… some day her other personality will pop back and she will contact you, but in the meantime please take care of Raan… don’t long and pine for her… she is someone else at the moment…. not the Terri you knew…. she’s possessed by mental illness… please Raan look after yourself, try to find someone who loves you the way you truly deserve to be loved… there are a lot of women out there looking for a nice guy like you… from the bottom of my heart, Josie
Josie
you are a beautiful soul
why is it that bipolars are always ready , willing and able to destroy the good souls of this world
so many of us get caught ..and it literally does destroy our lives ..not theirs ..its so cruel
Raan
you are doing so well now , you have come through the worst of a mountain of emotions ..she is not going to change in a hurry , josie is right .
this is why you should change and quickly try to mend
so you can be ready for her ultimate return to you .
if thats what you want
you may not want to get your heart stomped on again
I know you are concerned about the kids
I would be too , from what i have seen sick unmedicated bipolar mothers can provide the essentials but thats where the buck stops .their needs are greater and the children ultimately learn this one fundamental fact
please know the more you try the further she will push you away
regards Bittersweet
“some day her other personality will pop back and she will contact you,”
then you recommend that I move on – get a girlfriend, basically get on with my life, etc….I understand this. But then why is it that a good number of people on here never hear from their BP partner ever again after a number of times running off??? I know that Terri WILL contact me again when her tax return runs out, and until this happens, I don’t think she will contact me. Also, i doubt at this point that she will EVER want to be with again….I have NO idea why she is so enraged- fully aggravated at me – pissed to no end….
the level of hatred towards me really perplexes me, and very much saddens me…. a month or two ago, we were engaged again.
I AM ignoring her….I AM working on myself and MY happiness. It’s very very hard. I am so damaged at this point. traumatized, abused, emotionally wrought, etc.
Depressed is such an understatement. I miss my kids so much. I am missing out on a lot I want to watch them grow up. These are critical years.
Bittersweet,
You really think contacting her to ask about speaking to my kids is a bad idea? You recommend I just give her time to contact me???
You claim that she will ‘ultimately return to me”….what makes you think she will want to do that??? she told me that we will NEVER be together again when she called last about two+ weeks ago. The NO CONTACT thing she is doing since makes me think I mean NOTHING to her anymore.
I will continue to move forward as best I can, but I have no more hope anymore…none. she is gone and I don’t ever expect her to return.
it’s such a tragedy. I was more in love with her and her with me than we have ever been in our lives.
God has a cruel sense of humor. I miss her and the kids terribly.
raan
I know how hard this is sincerely
she may tell you she hates you now , but this is because she has someone else …after she has been with that person whoever it is …the odds are that she will bottom out with them too ..its inevitable when you think about it but I know in your current state of mind that is hard to see
Believe me raan I know your emotional pain , the longing for them to return …the wanting them to love you again
my bp ran off in front of my eyes with a new women , he looked right into my eyes and said goodbye
then drove off with her in the car
one week prior to this we had been having fun laughing etc we had been making plans for our future together then BOOM
out of nowhere he ran off with this women he met in the pub overnight …he met her ..brought her back to our house , ( I was away working ) she slept with him that same night ..then within 2 days he was making plans to
move into her house with her within 5 days he was gone
he lived with her for 8 months then she king hit him in the face and broke his teeth , and he left and came running back to me …i told him to piss off and he kept running
5 years later he contacted me again …
sometimes they give up on you and other times they dont ..you have a common bond with the kids but what she is doing now by taking the kids is very cruel
do you really think you would want her back after what she has done …??
I know now you think you would but after a while you may not think this way ..if you meet someone else or if you heal and get over this ..you can , it will take 1 year to recover then it may take another year to come good .. if she hasnt come back in the next year then it will take a long time to trust another human being
and it will take a long time to be able to forgive terri for what she has done
you may never forgive her …you will never forget this thats for sure .
am sorry i cant help you through this any better ..i really know the pain you are in …it is indescribable
please try to take care ..you can pm me if you want
regards Bittersweet
Another sleepless night. I am doing okay…reading and scouring the internet about length of manic episodes and how to talk/deal with a manic person. Interesting what I have found out tonight. perhaps some (not many, but some) of my conversations with the manic-terri have perhaps worsened her state of mind when we had some interactions in her psychotic state of mind.
I think I learned a bit tonight that may make communicating with her down the road someday a little less stressful. Maybe.
I am attempting to change the way I think about all of this nightmare and its effects it has had on me.
like a duck….let the water just fall off.
I hope I keep this frame of mind. I feel better at the moment. Mind you, anything is better than the place i’ve been lately.
I wish I could have my life and my Family back. I guess it wasn’t in the cards of life
So, I guess I have I have to draw new cards and start over….I ain’t gonna fold!
oh… I just notices you posted bittersweet. thanks. you didn’t answer my first couple of questions but that’s okay. I do appreciate what you did say nevertheless.
Actually, I think she is single at the moment. I did some clever detective work, and while i am not there to see what is actually going on….I can say it appears at the moment that she is solo. She doesn’t sleep much still, so likely manic with no end in sight. My hopes are that with me out of the picture for now and no drama between us as a result….perhaps she will calm down quicker…????
Try to stay strong. Late fall for a combination of reasons seems to be one of BP’s difficult time of years. The raging she is doing is just the illness; very little to do with you or reality. Next time she goes on a rant just tell her hey “I didnt shit in your cornflakes”, go talk to crusty or whoevers making you spin, cause its not me. She start saying wtf your making no sense, well either are you, whats stuck up your ass?
As far as the cold shoulder, use it as time to get strong and healthy not fret or worry about whats up with her. The kids should be your focus with any priority of time, money, effort you have to exert. You may wanta get a hold of the local youth services and start talking to a counselor, tell them your concerns.
Its really lovely how you guys support each other,,, i think it is important and very kind the way u have dont this for each other … on brief occasion in the past concerning me i have felt a token understanding also…:)
Sorry i feel i must voice this at this time now however…When i have tried to write to express my deepest distress and the error and fall from grace i fell into to all the horror and shame and confusion i have been thru…the depth of despair and grief for the hurt i caused to others and the emotional rape and deception perpetrated upon me….. and also for the terrible pain i am dealing with..i just sadly feel you people barely comment…or answer my presssing questions recently and in the past on several occasions
… I kinda know…. definately get the idea u people are perhaps single and… perhaps have been hurt by infidelity also..perhaps u feel unable or unwilling to enter into much conversation with me perhaps i am seen as immoral…lesser and yes i did fall to that level perhaps u did not? perhaps i dont deserve more …. but walking a mile in my shoes may have change a wee few things in ur mind if u had wished to… but im not sure …… it doesnt matter any way…
Thanks Lost for taking the time occasionaly to commment and Raan i know u are in much pain but i remember writing some sensible advice and offering support on one occasion…to which u ignored the entire discourse as tho i was not apart of anything?…perhaps i am …and that ok with me now..I have made brief comments also asked questions…but i cant help feel i am not so welcome amongst your little close support group….I thought a few more people particulary the ladies may take the time to show a little more interest or certainly make a few more comments toward me that i would have much appreciated….? I have always felt this… even many months ago… when i first wrote as Traumatised Beyond Belief…. And apart from Josie a long time ago who was a real sweetheart and who was in a similar situation to mine…. there is rarely a comment frorm any of you … But you go over and over things for others..its been a little disheartening….
i do wish u all so very well in the future however and believe and hope you will all make it thru with new found strength…
God bless keep safe
Kindest regards from,
Wiped out back then…
…formerly Traumatised beyond belief but …(yes it does happen even to those who fall from grace) …Be well 🙂
all the best with getting ur family back Raan,
I rarely comment on anyones post now but yours seemed as though it came from the heart?
I have looked back over as many posts as I can to try to work your story out, I have tried but cannot work out what actually happened to you?
I have gathered there was a bipolar man involved, were you married, living together or in a serious relationship?
I would imagine your story will run very similar to us all but I would like it if you could give us the basic outline of what happened and how you are coping now?
You are very correct in several things you have said, I have thought this about this blog myself many times!!
I would love to talk to you, either thorough this site or private email?
my story is re written just about 7-10 days ago under wiped out.. (last year perhaps before we moved on to this site) i wrote under traumatised beyond belief..think i asked if anyone would be willing to email me as i did not feel safe to give my email address out because of identity of course!.. I have recently tried and been unable to contact the writer who did respond back then but they were of enormous help at the time…
There is no need to apologise no one has done anything wrong, i think u and others understand the point i was trying to make…u know it got a bit circular etc… I would like very much to speak to u but i dont know how to contact without making it public?.. email would be good what can u suggest?
I am sorry if you have been feeling ignored. Its not been any of our intention to do that.
Admittedly we are all having troubles of our own and the past few months we have been bickering amongst each other some hurt feelings on all sides.
With me I snap in and out of different moods sometimes within minutes other times I stay that way for a week or longer. I am not bipolar I am just no self esteem. And maybe depressed at times. I get happy when I am with a lady sad when dumped. I also do not hear much from the people on here anymore. Maybe my own fault for going off the deep end a few times? Maybe there plates are full and have no time? What ever the problem may be we can work it out. Don’t go away ask and we will help if possible. We all wondered in here like wounded beast looking for some way to come to terms with our heart break and hurt. For me moving on means searching for a new love. One with understanding. I am finding this a difficult task. The woman like to eff the tough guy but want to bring home a millionaire. So I am shit out of luck.
you are a sweetie for quote: ( dont go away Bonnie)… i totally get you its no worries honest no ones done anything wrong.. the anniversary has come and gone it will get easier now… i just felt something needed to be said but not sure if i shoulda said it cos its kinda been taken the wrong way… but i understand we all in the same boat and it is harder at some times than others etc… i am always hopeful someone lovely,.. really genuine and lovely comes ur way Lost 🙂
Bonnie
we are all in the same boat as you
i dont take kindly to your comments that you have been ignored
whatever the situation is for any of us ..we all accept that people have their lives to lead
coming on here is an expression of what is happening in our lives , not a councelling session
why would you think that you have been ignored
You know what .. you need some serious councelling …and therapy
I understand you are hurting ..but dont forget the situation we find ourselves in in this world is OUR doing
noone just comes along to destroy your life
we all have choices of which way to go
and you have a choice too
you can choose to blame others but why dont you look at the choices you have made yourself YES YOU
have done this to yourself !!
the life you have chosen with your BP is your choice
we have all made similiar choices and yes it does hurt
but its not us who have offended you because you feel we have ignored you
we are all only ever doing our best on here in this blog that we CHOOSE to partake in
if you have an expectation from this site it should be that we can all interact with you not that you are offended by what we have done / said or whatever
am not going to apologise for not giving you enough attention …traumatised beyond belief ‘ I have read your blogs and felt for you , but it is not us who punish you for where you are at …you are punishing yourself enough for that
regards
Bittersweet
its ok im sorry to hear things are not good i really really am. Thanks for ur earlier comments ,,, i was really just noting a long post i once wrote some time ago not so recent …perhaps u didnt see it…doesnt matter anyway i understand ur situation and i think u know i truly care and empathise with u and especially for the children…keep us posted ok 🙂
( quote) : ” You do not take kindly to my comments i have been ignored” ? unquote
… surely for you to say that… i would have had to have written those words?
..please read my post….not a line contains that statement … what u have commented on is other peoples perception of what i wrote (ie u think im saying im being ignored) …. at which point you have stated u dont take kindly to being told that /it! …..
I wrote : sadly i feel you guys barely comment (when i write.) Bitter, you state its not a counselling session… are u infering being i am demanding some special treatment something thats unreasonable unavailable inappropriate perhaps selfish?….. again if so ur perception is skewed…. I have been involved in therapy for 2 years… Very helpful but i find nothing helps more than a person or persons who can share the walk they walked and who can speak that same language because they have been thru or more importantly are still going thru the experience.
I have been trying to engage someone who could identify with that …no pressure intended……consellors whilst great facilitators often lack the real heart knowledge…. So how inappropriate for you to indicate and i quote directly from your post: “You know what? you need some serious counrselling or therapy” ..end quote.. how /why from what i wrote would you feel the need to assume i wasnt seeking help? and then to put me down in such a way…
Bittersweet you me and everyone else has offered some semblence of counsel to one another for months ….some more than others….look at what u and others write to Raan over and over and over?…… Perhaps you would like to look back and see where u have offered counsel and it has been excellent counsel too… but until i point out what i have noticed regarding the posts recently you,have never felt the need to reinforce how this is “not a counselling session” pointedly for my information so to speak..dear me…
I feel for you to take offence at my comments in this way is unfounded. Its not necessary to write in bold or uppercase either…it indicates aggression .. not necessary, really.
Perhaps Bitter you also felt empowered to write in upper case: (quote) YES YOU have done this to yourself (meaning me) unquote…wow … that is kinda low…you are a lady needing to twist the knife deeply especially at this point in your converse. To go on about me trying to blame other people for what i have done as if i dont feel sick with remorse and shame as it is… where are u coming from? and where are u going ?… At no time have i have tried to shift blame, not take responsibility for my actions or my life..Never did i accuse you or anyone on this forum of anything untoward in any way.. I commented that the forum was at times a bit insular i felt my questions or comments were not answered on occasions…things were repeated in a circular way and as a new writer trying to find inclusion i found much of my comments questions or suggestions left unresponded to.. which does make a person feel they are not really part of the group.
You also state (quote) “If i have an expectation from this site it should be that we can all interact with you” my point exactly. So why dont you ?…that was what i was asking Bitter.
I have read your story Bittersweet, It was quite unbelievable the way you were treated, and it is such a credit to you that you have survived regained your health and moved on as you have done. You have offered wise counsel on numerous occasions to people indicating you truly understand where people have been. I remember feeling early last year on the other site how much i would have liked to have spoken with you.
Terri called yesterday to tell me that she is on NEW meds and is seeing a psychiatrist now. She sounded better. She wants to give me her car…sign it over to me. She said she is trying to be nice. Wants to come down here in about 10 days with her Mom and Dad (no kids) and get a few of her things as well.Claims she doesn’t remember the last 6 months….hmm. Said we are not getting back together though…she is moving forward and not backwards.
that’s interesting, if she doesn’t remember all of the crap she put me through, then wouldn’t she want to just pick up where she went bonkers? no such luck. said she isn’t in love with me anymore, but will always love me BS again.
She kept the conversation pretty short. She did say that she will never forgive ME for the hateful and hurtful things **I** did while she was “sick” though.
Incredible. what things did I do??
She doesn’t want to give me Sophie much visitation as well. She claims that sophie is “behind”. She’s not even 3 years old yet….BEHIND??? She claims Sophie needs to be put in school and that I can get her maybe every other weekend….UMmm…it’s a 3 hour drive each way….that meansd I get her say friday night-drive back …get up Saturday and spend the day with her and sunday, have to drive her back again that afternoon???
Not only is this not much quality time together, it’s a lot of time for my child to be strapped in a car and this concerns me.
That’s friggin FUCKED…pardon me.
When I said, must I get the courts involved, she said I am threatening her….whatever. She also told me that she has no phone when I already KNOW she does with certainty. Still lying to me……
I let it go. i was very cordial and nice. I asked her to call again soon so we could talk about a few more things, and she said she’ll try…
AM I GETTING THE RUNAROUND HERE PEOPLE?
I am looking into a lawyer but have NO cash to speak of.
I am pleased she is getting help, but wonder why if she is getting back to normal, do I feel as though I am being erased out of her life.
I did NOT expect her to continue to act mean and distant to me when she came to her senses.
Hmmmmm. bummed. Wasn’t expecting her to come running home right away after being properly medicated, but I didn’t expect to be treated like a stranger that she wants NOTHING to do with.
No biggee I guess. All she is is PAIN and torment, frustration and hurt anymore.
I must admit, I do NOT think she is being honest with me, and I have to wonder what she IS thinking right now.
I do NOT think she cares about me whatsoever anymore. I don’t know if she ever will, and am perplexed why I thought she did love me with so much heart those years we were together.
A little tension on here today – this forum is for beneficial blogging. I hope no one gets offended by my rants and raves. You people mean the world to me and i am genuinely concerned. It really helps me writing this stuff out and getting replies. I may not always get it right away, but all of you kind people have truly helped me get a grip to a degree with something I have never experienced before. Your wisdom is very appreciated
I am very thankful you are all here. I don’t know what i would have done without you over these last many months.’
Thank you all for all of the support. I really appreciate it.
Its all good. If anyone needs to vent this is the place to do it.
Sometimes while venting we get circumvented by others and that help get the pressure off the circumventee 🙂 or have I lost my mind? Lol. Raan get free council from the courts or have a law guardian appointed by the courts for the kids. Stop dragging your feet on this. Time is valuable when dealing with kids and courts and you need visitation put in to writing. Treat this as divorce. Bitter your a babe. Bonnie if you need someone to talk to just ask and I’ll give you my email. I don’t know if I can help but I’m here for you. Michelle our group is missing you get your ass back here lol. I need to learn how to temper my co dependency issues. Spring is on its way! And each day is longer with more sunlight and I feel better already. Got dumped again yesterday afternoon was told I am like a diner that serves great food but has shitty service. WTF does that mean? I didn’t service her. And if I did it would not suck lol. So I felt bad for one hour. Made a new date within a few minutes with someone else. Went out and had fun for four hrs. Missed the birthday party I was invited to and will catch hell for it today. Nope nothing about bipolar in my note but oh well. 🙂
I wrote terri a letter via a new facebook account so i could get thru saying that the kids need to talk with their father a few days ago. When I did this, I noticed she has a number listed (short version). No response., half the day goes by and i checked facebook for a reply….none, but the number that was listed is now gone. Obviously, she got my mail…..today, I called the number. She asked me where I got it…i told her facebook. she tells me it’s her mom’s number she was just answering it. Told me sophie is out playing. I asked her to call me later so I could talk to her if she won’t let me now. i said…just make sure i talk to her please.
half an hour later, terri calls and puts my daughter on (yay!) we are having a good talk…terri cuts it off and says tell daddy bye.
Terri gets on and now says it’s her friends phone and don’t call it. i said sure terri…I know it’s your phone…I won’t call it unless you refuse to let me talk to my daughter regularly. She said i am not lying….i’m not. Sure terri. She claims facebook added this number without her knowing when she used her friends phone to sign up for facebook….
she must think i am a moron.
I am just glad i got to finally talk with my daughter and now court stuff MUST happen I suppose.
Bummer. I was hoping she was starting to heal….new .meds are not working yet or at all.
Her friend katie called me last night and told me that terri isn;t acting like Terri as she knows her…she saw terri yesterday, and asked terri if she has had any episodes lately…terri said as a matter of fact, I have been on one for a while. Teri went on to say she regrets some stuff she has been doing, and that she has been sleeping around with strange men….and she couldn’t control herself. She said she isn’t seeing anyone, but that crusty helps her with the kids sometimes. grrrr.
katie said she told terri that raan needs to interact with the kids and terri didn’t seem to care. When katie asked terri doesn’t raan want to see the kids, terri said it’s complicated….katie said WHAT is complicated? Let him see the kids. Terri got annoyed and katie dropped it. katie said she is going to try and get terri to see the error of her ways .
Wishing….you seem like you have an ax to grind with me….what’s up?
Nobody has an ax to gring with ya raan our friend. Guess we’re all a little frustrated that the record you seem to be playing is the same one everytime. We’re not trying to be experts with advise just that we relate more than anything, know what your going thru but most of all know pretty much whats coming next.
You can’t wait for Terri to wake up. You gotta go get legal help and get the visitation, support, custody bs all worked out thru the courts. It will make your life so much better to know she cant keep on using your daughter as a pawn.
As far the meds go, I seriously doubt she is taking anything. Sounds like a classic manic run wild and crazy, self detrusctive until she crashes.
As far as the rage she has towards you, thats her internally feeling bad when she thinks or relates to you. Mistakes she’s making or has made don’t make her feel good when she has to relate to you, deal with you, hence the anger. People seldom wanta take responsibility for their actions, and that just not BP folks, alot of folks are like that. They’ll point blame, shoot obscenities, but never look in the mirror and blame the right person.
You really gotta keep the focus on yourself, get healthy, get back financially what you can, then focus on getting your daughter in a safe and loving enviroment.
This illness has a severe grip on society. I’m sure alot of the wackjobs blowing people up have BP issues and I’m not trying to stereotype, the severe swing in moods to “i just dont give a fuck about anything” is pretty dangerous an emotional extreme. Fall is also a difficult time for them, light sensitivity, extreme holiday stresses, etc, I dont know, from my experiences issues spike, MH faciltys fill up and overflow into the streets.
Take the time to connect the dots. Getting sophie is the goal, start in that direction.
Thank you Mark, you have just put what I was about too, so I wont repeat it all…..
Shes not coming back Raan and I must sadly say you have to stop thinking about your needs and your wants and think about your children who clearly are not at the top of your list of priorities and I know what your answer will be…..”I dont have the money for legal help” but thats crap because you have plenty of time, get out there, get a second job if need be, stop whining and get something concrete done.
I have brought up 3 children alone, so has Bitter, we have BP troubles too ( mine have come in barrel loads over the last month!!) but nothing and no one ever, ever comes before our children!!
Do you really think a phone call to Sophie once in a blue moon is enough…..and I have my doubts the call was intended for Sophie anyway??
And thats because you have stalled Raan……the courts dont look on favourable to a father who “phones” now and again…..my Ex lost complete rights to the kids, I have 100% sole custody because he choose to see 2 of our children 3 times a year!!
Not picking on you Raan or grinding any axes but if you dont make a start on this you will lose….
Your not even married to her….you have no regular contact with the kids and if you haven’t worked it out yet a Bipolar person can be the most charming and delightful person to talk to she will come across as a loving mother who has been stranded by her Ex boyfriend with 3 children, none of who he see’s, he makes an occasional phone call but really its just to hassle her and cause her more pain!!
bonnie thanx for your forgiveness , this is what we do isnt !
Raan
Look you dont really know what the outcome is going to be
In a year it may be a totally different story , but wishing is right she is going to look sweet in court ..
you dont stand a chance against her even if you had proofe she was highly unstable , courts rarely make a finding against a birth mother.
You have no control over sophie , she is your daughter thats it …really from what I have seen , men like you fade into the distance and some new creep takes over ..
thats the worst of it …the best is you can try to be distant friends with terri enough to allow access or holidays
cheers bitter
Raan. Don’t listen to that. The laws are a little better here in the USA. We wacked a lot of these bitches with the order of protections to that they had to back off of destroying fathers and there are cases before our courts now to make even more changes. This creep here gets tuesdays thursdays and every other weekend and she cannot move more then 20-30 miles away. Holidays are split or divided. English law has fallen far behind the US laws. Maybe because we can still take up arms against tyranny dished out by the crooked court system.
Birth mother seat belts 5 kids into car seats and pushes car into river drowning all 5 children so she can be with boy friend. Father pleaded with court not to give her custody.
Woman gives birth in toilet stall at work. Shoves toilet paper down newborn babies throat suffocating the child. Baby is dumped in trash can and mom goes home on sick leave.
Mother drowns three children in bath tub. Puts bodies on bed and jumps out window. She lives. All thee children dead. Father told courts woman was un fit mother.
The sad list goes on and on. There are at least two cases in court that show courts teaming up with lawyers to destroy fathers has caused un do hardship for the children. Cruel and barbaric punishment is counter productive to the health and well being of children.
These antiquated laws must and will be changed. Or the court judges will be disbarred. How many birth mother prostitutes dump baby’s in trash cans everyday in every city in the world? That birth mother stuff is bull shit.. I have at least two friends that are male and both have legal custody of there children because mommy is a dirty drug crazed hoe. Unfit diseased sluts that cannot even take care of themselves. Its about time the courts wake the fuck up.
you are correct. Terri has pretty much ignored all of her best friends these last 6 months. In fact, they call me now asking what is up with her. She is the opposite of what she was now.
I have been asked by a LOT of people
“does she do crack”?
SCARY thought.
Anyway, i have been working on the custody stuff. It’s not in court yet, but getting paperwork together and doing research. My family is looking into some things for me as well.
Money is SO ridiculously nonexistent right now it isn’t funny. I cannot even pay my bills at the moment, but i am on a mission. it will pick up.
I am not just sitting here going “I wish she would come home or poor meeeeeee or waiting for something to happen”
I am doing my best, and I am f’ed up – working on getting my poop together asap. your advise – everyone on here has helped
Your welcome Raan but you really do have to get past it now, there comes a time when you realise there is no more you can do, be grateful that you came out of it with few scars because believe you me it could be worse!
She could be on any type of drug dont ever put anything passed what they will do!
I wouldnt wait Raan….you will spend a lifetime waiting for something thats never coming back!!
I am seeing someone who is bipolar who has had a lot of trauma in her life, in the form of abuse that came from people it should not have.
Sometimes I come home and look at her, and am nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if she is going to jump up, smile, tell me she loves me or tell me she’s doing something and with her voice and body language make me feel worse than a man who just snuck a roofie into her drink at a common bar. It is so difficult to tell how she feels from how she looks.
Sometimes I will do something and it will make her so incredibly mad, she will talk to me as if I am a 4th grader who was caught eating a crayon in the middle of an important exercise. It has put me in a vicious cycle where anytime we talk about something that slightly dissatisfies her I feel responsible and as if I should apologize, and I feel that I now give her the impression she is a bad person. She is not!
She is a beautiful, intelligent person. She sees so much of the world and notices so much that the average woman I meet tunes out, and I love her for it, and everyday I work to make her realize who she is. What she is capable of.
She has issues with getting too caught up in things she is working on at the wrong time and it getting in the way of her life and I have been trying to help her get over this. Sometimes I feel as if it is my duty to physically(gently) lift her out of bed and get her to take a shower & get ready for sleep but at the same time, she is ten and a half years my senior & I am not a controlling person.
It is difficult not being able to tell who I should be and how I should act. All I can do is be there for her, talk to her, cope with it, and NEVER get angry at it.
Everytime she does something that is bad she realizes it and comes to me to talk to me in this soft, childlike voice. She knows what she did was wrong. We talk about it and it’s better but it happens again and again. I know that the right thing to do is to not get angry, or mad, or defensive, or passive aggressive. I wait for her to realize it and then talk about it, never judging or getting angry.
I want to be there for her, and to help her through the bad times, but sometimes I feel like I’m missing something. I need help.
PLEASE go back and read what Bittersweet, Mark, and Panda have to say about boundaries and their advice in general. Believe ME….I DO understand. i’ve been knee deep in dysfunction junction Bipolar central for about half of a year now and it only gets worse and worse in my case. I feel for you man. be STRONG, be calm yet firm. Remain in your senses. do NOT be drawn into drama….
Go back and read the letters in this forum and you WILL see a very clear pattern here with respect to bipolars behaviors in general.
I hope this info helps and that you find peace…I am right there with you.
Hey mark how’s it going by you? All is quiet here. I think the few hours of extra sunlight has done us all some good. I know I been feeling great all month so far.
I’m actually doing pretty well. Started a new relationship the first of the yr which has restored my faith quite abit. Been trying to mend or make peace in some of my other spinning ones especially with my soon to be ex wife. Just when I thought we might be making some headway; she felt it was better to kick me in the balls one last time and make a jackass comment that she felt “she never really loved me during our 20 years”. I know shes wrestling with making sense of what, why and how things didnt work out so I guess I’m not surprised or as hurt. Shes warmed up since and is in a new one of her own,so we’ll see.
Desperately hanging on for this weather to break, they’ll calling for more snow tonight. Urgghhhhh.
Looks like Mr Sheen’s turning into this months poster boy for BP eh?
Ooooo-boy. NO calm here. let’s see…she came down and got some stuff last Sunday…signed the car that was in her name over to me…told me she lives in SC and not NC (sure).
Kissed me, hugged me a few times…took COOKING OIL and some seasonings as some of her important stuff with little room in here mom’s new Van (or, is it Terri’s van from filing the taxes and keeping all of the money with her Dad driving it?). Asked me to keep her Beanie babies (which are important to her) and said she will be back sometime for more stuff and am I going to toss her stuff out that she couldn’t get that day?? I said relax…
She said I could have Sophie visitation soon, but maybe in a few weeks. NEW schedule that SHE wants me to live with….BS if you ask me. LESS time with me…a LOT less. I want my Daughter.
IWhen she signed the car title over to me, she SCREWED up and signed HER name where my name was supposed to be. She scratched it out and put mine….
She wanted ALL risque’ pics of her that I have destroyed and in particular – a poster drawing that is of her naked…she wanted to tear it up….I told her no amd she tried to get into the room where it was . I said HEY…it isn’t going to happen…she tried taking back the car title so I asked her-WHAT’s up with you??? what is the real issue here? She said I took back everything I ever gave her (huh?) and wants me to have nothing from her now, I asked her is this over the ring I took back from her-the engagement ring?> she said yes…I gave it back to her and she went on her way.
When I went to get new insurance, pay taxes and then go to the DMV the next day, the DMV would NOT accept her scratch off and putting my name over it.
I called her and she got mad I called…told her about the car title problem…she doesn’t want to sign a new “bill of sale” that the DMV gave me, but reluctantly said she would.
I am driving up there Saturday night in my Uncle’s truck….I PRAY she signs the new papers…because I have NO car unless she does so.
Now,
I get papers yesterday from the Sheriff….she is SUING me for back child support!!!!!!!!
I am current except since she left in feb and refuses to tell me where she lives. in fact, a few days before this paperwork arrived…she told me on the phone that She can take care of the kids ALL on her own and doesn’t need MY help or my money….
What a crock of Bull!!!
I am getting all of the needed papers together to fight this crap….
I am GOING to WIN somehow – and get more visitation of my Daughter.
Anybody care to tell me that they KNEW that this was coming???
hey Raan
it is all good …look at this as a blessing
you have been set free from the biggest USER & LOSER
shame she is the mother of your daughter
but one day it will be in name only
you will meet a great lady one day, that will give you the loyalty you deserve
fuk the Bp biatch , GONE in the head
never to return to the fantasy she endured with you
or the GAME she played with you
Their complete life is a game of thrills who they excite , seduce, play with , play around on , cheat on , the list goes on & on
I know its painful enough so I am not going to say I told u so because we cant help who we love
but we can learn from what they do and the message is GIVE nothing to her again ever .
she is a USER of the worst degree , she doesnt have the Love gene mate .
just put papers in place for access to sophie ..even try to get sophie off the biatch if possible ..get dates organised
evidence of her unstable lifestyle may help ..notes , picies , anything you can use to help you win ..
you are going well ..
better days to come
regards Bittersweet
amazed that the beeeeotch didn’t even call today and let me at least say happy birthday to the oldest boy.
I saw them all last Sunday. had to drive up to NC to get a paper signed. the two youngest wouldn’t let me go once they saaw me. 2 hours of 2 kids all over me. I loved it. Sophie went ballistic when I left…both the 2 youngest went into major tears when I left.
terri and brandon the oldest seemed unhappy. She’s broke too. Was bumming cigarettes…hmmmm.
raan
she wont give in though
you may think that she will …but she will hunt someone new to hookup with before she will admit that she could come back to you
they are very clever and shameless, even when caught in the act of being deceptive they deny it
so dont expect any honesty or conscienable levels of concern for you ..there wont be
if you show the same disregard for her that she has shown you she may get the hint
but she will never let you know ..they play deceit like chess game and you are the pawn !!
regards Bittersweet
actually, when I was driving back home, I had to call her mom to get her address confirmed and to my surprise, terri answered…I didn’t expect her to answer, as it was a few hours after I left and was getting late….anyway,
when she answered her mom’s phone, she told ME that she missed me, and that is was REALLY good seeing me. I told her that felt the same and that I really miss the kids and our family. I told her that I loved her, and to my surprise, she responded in kind. Soooo, I said (since this seemed like a tender moment brought on by HER) to her that I want my Family back. Instead of the usual wall of scoffs and resistance, she seemed open to the idea and was actually quite unlike her last six months awful self. I DO NOT expect anything from this….just noting it as more like the old terri….
I am sure it’s nothing to be concerned with.
I am still being sued by the beeotch.
Sophie’s Birthday is Saturday…she actually invited me up there. Amazing. I am not certain I can make it….working on that
She asked me for a CELL PHONE last Sunday too….TOO FUNNY!!!
hmmmm…I guess maybe she has a new fella…some new guy posted this on her facebook page recently….
“love you with all mind heart”
he went from “single” to “in a relationship” like earlier today sometime….I wonder if it’s her he hooked up with. I feel sorry for the poor sap if she and him got together. He has NO idea what he’s in for. I assume if so, she’ll do the same crap to him as she does to everyone?
What a pile of devastated bodies these BP’s leave in their wake….traumatized and bewildered….confused and disappointed ….wondering what they did wrong .
I’m sure it will all come apart at the seams in a short period of time….
That’s the way the bipolar ball bounces. Just remind yourself every now and again that nothing you did caused this mess. If your nice they screw you. If your not so nice they screw you also. They will ALWAYS come up with the desired reasons to blame you for what they have done. Iv learned to adopt/adapt to living the life similar to that of the bipolar bear. Hit and run! Run! Run!.. Why stick around when you can split before the hurt gets put on you? I have doubts I will ever be in a real relationship again. Apart from brutal bipolar it appears most woman I am attracted to are players! So hit it and quit it 😉
Wish you can say we let them do it. But we don’t let them. It just happens. We unlike these asshole bipolars have a memory and we care. Do not fault us for being decent caring people. If we weren’t we would be the same cold hearted shit heads as them. And that would be a tragedy. Love has no need for memory. And nether does stone cold bipolar. Don’t be like them ever.
Hi, is it just me or is this page really difficult to read? I think my browser must be playing up as I can see the text properly – lots of pictures of the face. Do I need to change my settings? Thanks in advance.
zuki
it just takes a while to load
and would be lovely to hear from you
its gone a bit quiet on here
we need some spark in the proceedings
basically all still struggling with letting go of the bipolars
If theres one thing I would like to share with everyone and that is that there is life after Bipolar…..
There is happiness to be found….
Towards the end I discovered the worst I could have imagined, what happened cannot be printed on here!
I read all the blogs and all the posts but always dreamed it would work with my Bipolar man!
Its over now and life has changed beyond recognition, theres no more pain, fright, worry and deceit, I feel calm and happy, my mind is free of it all……
Yes, there are throwbacks from it all but I work through it all slowly and calmly!
I dont want that life back and I think this helps, it helps you to move on because that what we need to do!
I will always be grateful to this site and the other one and all the people I met, especially my dear dear friend, who without her daily contact I wouldnt have found some of my happiness!
I will always look out for you all and hope to see you all finding true happiness and nice endings because it is possible!
well, I guess terri is back with ‘peanut’ – the man who RAPED HER and got her pregnant with adrian (the middle boy)…I met her RIGHT after this clown. I’ve met him too…YIKES. Oh, my. of ALL the guys she could date…WHY HIM? He has NO means to take care of her nor even himself well….let alone our kids.
it really makes me sad to see this woman destroy her life so completely. watch her get involved with men that are total losers and refuse to do what is best for herself, the kids, and our family. She won’t admit that they are together, but it is painfully obvious in various social networking pages.. In fact, she totally denies it altogether, but then again…**I** would be totally ashamed to admit it to me as well.
What a terrible thing to watch this woman ruin everything possibly good in her life and our kids lives….and keep doing it worse and worse.
Speechless….just speechless.
BTW, She claims she is still with crusty….probably with both of these poor candidates for companionship. I do NOT get why someone would want to be with people like these two…not at all.
Court is in one month…one date of two….grrr. Scared.
hmmmm. Sure is quiet on here. So is my phone in regarding terri letting me talk to my kids. It’s been almost a week and nothing…no calls. I’ve called her…no answer.
Should I NOT call her to try and talk to the kids? Is it best I just leave her be? Bittersweet, where are you babe? I bet you say leave her alone….probably best to let Terri know I am seeing someone else (even if not) as it may get her to respond more and let me talk to my kids regularly…it ain;t happening on it’s own much if at all.
Grrrrrrr. I know the advice I’ve been given. This is a new situation though…Keep up the same old stuff or what?
I still am floored that Terri is with the man that RAPED her….astounds me to no end…..
BTW, you know folks, back in Sept. 2011…a month after she went berserk and left, I really thought that after a short time, terri would come back home. It’s been EIGHT frickin months apart now. Sure, she said we were getting back together a few times, and DID in january of this year, but her heart and MIND was NOT into it at the time.
Is this woman going to probably try and come back when I am finally solid with someone else….when I have given up fully…when she see’s that I am not there to be her whipping post anymore? Is THAT the deal?
Or, is she just plain and simple gone forever likely?
I miss my old Terri so very much. I love that woman with all my heart and soul. I would even now do just about anything….anything….to have her and my Family back.
I HATE bipolar ….I hate it incredibly. It RUINS lives and kills relationships….Family’s….and my spirit as well.
So tragic and sad. What a sucky illness. I had it ALL too.
It’s time to let her go and get yourself back in shape. All you’re going to do is torture yourself or worse let her keep you on a leash that you never get away from. You’re a better person then that. Kids or no kids. Make the effort to get quality time with your daughter but in terms of a relationship go find someone new. I know easier said then done. But its possible. I know, I’ve done it. Will it happen next wk? next month? I don’t know. What I do know is you’ll be ten times the person you are now once all this bs is behind you. You’re going to wrestle with being the person who put up with it, but once that too is behind you things clear. We got to all rememeber, life is a CHOICE. You can choose to be part of all this drama and bs or NOT. I finally chose NOT TO regardless of kids, history, love, faults – and I have alot of my own.
Mark
yes we are all moving on and loving the freedom
being trapped by bipolar bs is the owrst hell of an existence one could ever endure
raan
you will find it gets easier once u forget about her
maybe get hypnotised to get her out of your blood 🙂
There maybe times she will contact you and you may feel a glimmer of hope but it will now come to nothing, its over!
Dont waste any more time, we do have choices in this life and I chose not to let someone’s unmedicated illness ruin my life too!
I moved on quicker than I would have ever imagined……someone came into my life, quite slowly at first but then it quickly turned into something very special…..remember….a reason, a season or a lifetime!
One. Two. Three comments all in a row. Each one is correct. You need to get visitation rights set by the courts. Stop using the kids as excuse to get back to bipolar bear.
Maybe this is why you are finding yourself cut off from your kids?
Telling her you call to talk to them
And then bombarding her with lines of
Come home is not working. Its having
The opposite effect. She is shutting
Down. Keep doing that and she will not
Want to talk to you at all. Its going
To take atleast six months of no stress for her to even think of coming back and that may not even happen. In the meantime find another woman and don’t talk about your ex to them in depth.
Can someone help me?
I was in a relationship with a guy for just under 2 years. We had a very honest relationship from the start and he told me everything about his past as did I. The only thing that struck out for me was that he had suffered from depression in his early 20s which lasted for a few years. We’re both the same age; in our late 20s. When he lost his first love (who he told me was unstable and left him without warning), he overdosed and tried to commit suicide. He also told me that he is a recreational drug user. I met him as a friend but he soon went abroad and we continued long distance. He then asked me out once and I declined due to feeling he was very different from me and we’d clash. I have never taken drugs or been wild in any way. This was actually my first relationship. The only trouble I’ve gone through is to have been slightly depressed or stressed during my uni years due to study pressure. Having said that, I have had a turbulent childhood being moved from countries and my parents shaky marriage. He knew all of this about me. Anyway he kept pursuing me for a while and we got on really well, so I agreed to give it a shot. He was the perfect gentleman. I could tell he was down in life and generally a little negative about things but he said he liked my zest for life and how despite anything, I always found it in me to be positive. He was very sweet and everything a girl would want. He proposed to me very soon after our time together. I never asked him for anything except that he gave up drugs. Somehow the combination of drug use and past suicide attempts didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t force him but said I couldn’t consider him because of his drug use and he agreed to give it up if it meant having me in his life. He was kind, caring and perfect. But after a few months I noticed his behaviour change extremely. Without provocation, he started patronising me and calling me on end to fight with me. I was studying for my post grad degree then and my father had been diagnosed with cancer but he was never supportive of my situation. It took its toll on me but I made sure I was there for when he wanted to vent. Reason being that I felt he had gone through bad patches in life and he was alone overseas as well. I put it down to long distance relationship pressure I never didn’t take his calls or told him to stay away from his ex’s or anything of the sort. He was so overly sensitive and I knew that so was more than happy to tread carefully, as I believe everyone has some faults in them. But I noticed, he started provoking me for fights. He resented me for not allowing him to introduce drugs back into his life, and he started becoming verbally abusive. I put it down to bad behaviour and cut off from him at many times. Yet each time, he’d beg me to take him back and would stop eating and become depressed if I didn’t. Since I couldn’t see him I felt bad and always did take him back. He told me never to shut him out as he’d been through that before, etc and I abided. In turn I told him things I can’t stand and he did those exact things. This scared me. Although this seemed like normal fights, soon the friends of his he introduced me to also agreed without me saying anything bad about him and said that I needed to walk away from him. I put it down to bad behaviour. But last week I got back in touch with him and he said something that made me realize that maybe it’s not him but that he’s bipolar. Last week when I mailed him to ask how he is he replied nicely. This week I mailed him about something (we split up last yr btw), he mailed back saying stay away or there’ll be consequences. And because I’m not with him and an outsider now, I could see the contrast without provocation and the penny dropped. I realized he could never see what he did wrong. He’s totally different as a friend as I’ve seen him with his friends and was his friend before. And totally different as a partner. Initially he used to say I’m god’s gift to him, and everything he wanted. A few mths later we had a big fight as he messed up somewhere and I found it hard to take him back. Yet I did but he always blamed me for hurting the amount I did and that I took 3 days to forgive him. I apologised (even though he was the one at fault) and we started working at things. A month later he dumped me saying he can’t forgive me for hurting. However he came back and said he’d like to make a go of it upon me begging him to do so and telling him I stayed for him only. He stayed but as usual with the harsh words. He said things like I’m a disgusting piece of s**t, that I’m a bad daughter, that his ex’s are better than me. This all I had seen as a stark change only a few mths after we got together but I thought he’d change after that big fall-out. I kept saying that he can’t say these things and expect me not to react. And I didn’t till he pushed me over the edge which he always did as he was looking for a reaction. And when I tried to get through to him, he’d push me away which was so different to before when he used to cry to me and speak to me about his life so far. And then when I exploded, he held that reaction against me not looking at things in context. Needless to say I couldn’t even explain that to him. Although this perhaps is normal in a relationship (hell what would I know), this is what stands out for me. He used to need me so badly that he’d made threats about killing himself. Once during a usual fight which happened out of nowhere, he made me hold the phone whilst he overdosed and I was crying all this time asking him why is he doing that. He said to show me that things have consequences. All the time i thought but I haven’t done anything! He kept in touch with his ex’s and once when I walked out of uni, a guy who knew I was in a relationship asked me out anyway. I told my partner this and said some ppl are so weird, and he went crazy. He started swearing at him and then at me saying it was all my fault. I asked him why and that I had put him in his place and even ignored him after that instance and my partner said because when speaking to him (my partner) I was defending that guy. I said I wasn’t, I was only concerned that there was no need for anger and that it was settled. And he stated saying things like just because im not in the country, guys think it’s ok to act this way, etc, etc. but I know that my partner isn’t the jealous type at all on a usual day so I was stunned and scared to see how anger and abusive he was being. Another day I went to see him abroad where he worked and went to his house. The temperature was mid 30s and his flat had no fans or windows. I couldn’t breathe and said lets go back to my hotel as I don’t feel so well. He went crazy and said I was insulting him and his house thinking im superior and too good for him. He left me in the house and walked away. By the time he came back, I said I was going to go back to my hotel. I didn’t go before because i knew he’d be angry to see id left. He followed me all the way and I told him to go away…but he didn’t. So in defiance of wanting to be left alone, I argued with him but he still didn’t go and followed me all the way to the hotel. We were standing on the street for 4 hrs before this. I kept saying if he wanted me to go, I was going so why wouldn’t he let me then? I didn’t understand yet let him come with me eventually. I saw he looked tired and felt sorry for him..gave him a hug and he burst out crying apologising saying he didn’t mean any of it. Again I forgave him. The next time I visited him, he fought with me a lot! On simple things like opening the door for myself of a restaurant when we were fighting and not letting him get it implying that I don’t want him to do anything for me. The truth was I was rushing out so as to not make a scene..he’s insulted me in front of nearly all his friends and I didn’t want a repeat of that. The worst fight we had was that one day I simply asked him to listen to something on the laptop but he said he didn’t want to and wanted to listen to something else first. And then out of nowhere he threw the laptop down and said now you’re fighting again and walked into the bedroom and shut the door. I was really upset and cried quietly (he never let me cry with voices). I cried for 2 hrs and then went to the bathroom. With the shock of what had happened, I had burst a blood vessel in my nose and there was blood everywhere. I woke him up and he looked after me and we stopped the bleed. He asked if I’d like anything and came and sat next to me and I just ignored him. I didn’t have the energy to be sweet to him then. The next day I felt drained and was lying on the couch. He came in from work and became upset when I wouldn’t be friendly to him. I said im ill and would just like to lie quietly. And he said well then go in the bedroom. I said im bored, I’ve been there forever, just need a change of scenery. He got pissed off and went In to the bedroom and shut the door. I became very angry this time round because I came to see him and all he had done was act like a child during this whole trip slamming doors and walking out over nothing. I asked him to get up and he said no. I said fine and walked away, and grabbed the laptop to book my flight home. I wasnt going to book it just see if there were any cheap flights because it felt like the best thing to do. He thought I was going to leave him and came out of the bedroom saying I can’t go. I said to him the whole 2 mths id spent with him he told me he never wanted to be a part of my life past the initial months and that his heart was never in it, so why stop me? He grabbed the laptop from me and told me to stay. I was really angry and said he can’t do this. This was only the second occasion where I had let myself lose it during these two yrs. So I grabbed my suitcase and started packing. And then he raised his hand at me. I still don’t say he hit me because he’s never allowed me to say that. He hurt me physically. But he never admits it. He says he only pushed me gently so I fell on the sofa. But he doesn’t deny it when I say that he pushed me so I fell down on the sofa and then pinned me against it yelling at me that I can’t walk away like this. When I cried he mocked me. he then went onto grab my arms so that I wouldn’t walk out the door. Whilst he did that, he mocked me and said if I threw your stuff on the street, would you fetch it then, etc. he left me with bruised arms that I couldn’t move for a week. Yet he denies that this is any form of abuse. I was so upset I left but later I became worried and returned from the 300 quid a night hotel to see that he didn’t kill himself. He hadn’t. So I left for the hotel telling him my heart as broken and I may not survive. Yes for the first time, I threatened him with my life to show him that it hurts when someone u love threatens u. but I didn’t threaten him with suicide just that I may die of natural causes the amount I was hurting. He walked all the way at night to the hotel. I let him in and he asked to stay. I let him and asked him why? Why? Why? Why? He said if I’ll continue to spk, he’ll make me pay. And then he hurt himself…again. I grabbed him and strangely I had the strength to overpower him and calm him down. After that he begged me not to leave and I stayed. I stayed another month. At the end of the month, he said he felt better but that he wouldn’t marry me. I said then why did he ask me to stay extra? And he said cuz he didn’t want us to part that way but he was over me. So I gave him a hug and left. Later he shifted to this country, and resumed contact. I told him to stay away. His friends told me to tell him to stay away. But he said he felt alone. I let him in and we worked towards each other. Well that’s what I thought..when I asked him if that’s indeed what was happening he insulted me once again in front of his friends. He said I was a failure, had failed the relationship, that he deserved better, he wanted someone else. All of that is fine and I wrote him off as an idiot I once loved. People say to me why I don’t ignore him when he resumes contact and I don’t because the man I once loved told me in confidence that never leave my side or shut me out as I’ve been hurt that way and I made a promise to him which I intend to keep. His reaction last week at threatening me made me think that maybe there’s a reason why he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I had an accident recently, I told him when he asked how I was that I was ok. He told me to take care 2 weeks ago. Last week when he fought with me, he implied he would have been ok if he hadn’t seen my face again. Such a stark change and out of nowhere. He’s made indirect references that I make his skin crawl. That I’ve taken his friends away despite me telling him I don’t speak about him to his friends which is true, I’ve never spoken behind his back. He has. In fact, I don’t let his friends write on my facebook wall so that he doesn’t feel offended. In addition to that, I realiz that he has the inability to see things in context. I always thought he was selfish but maybe there’s more to it. He honestly can’t see what he does wrong. He never once said sorry after he hurt me. he forgets his mistakes. he says it’s my fault that im so fragile and that I deserved the physical hurt. What he did is forgivable but I wanted him to apologise because it scared me that he can’t see his error. I am scared of his anger, his anger is really bad. He hurts himself physically and me both physically and mentally. In addition, he’s never given me a birthday gift despite me buying him lavish gifts. He lets it pass without occasion…again I thought he was selfish but then ppl who are away from him like female work colleagues, he takes out and pays for them. I often say to him what happened to that sweet guy I fell in love with. And he says that isn’t the real him, he was forced to change for me and he was never happy with me. before he used to apologise straight after making the mistake, but towards the end of the relationship, he simply denies making any. he can’t remember one good time between us and I remember loads from our relationship. He says all that comes to his mind is my poison. My heart is broken as much as it could have been. And im gone from his life. But last week, it made me think what if he’s not well. I want to tell him the possibility of him being bipolar but I know he won’t take it well. Once when I said to him, this behaviour isn’t normal, he called me unstable and told everyone that im borderline psychotic. Since then, most of his friends and family (the ones who haven’t met me), think I am as such too. To be honest, there was a point when I did start questioning my own sanity and that’s the point when I started telling my friends what had happened and they assured me something’s not right here and to stay away. His friends who know me say im nothing like what he described. I open my mouth to speak and he calls me unstable. How can I ever tell him to consider that he maybe bipolar when I don’t know that he is myself? Shall I leave him to it and not make it my problem? He won’t speak to me after saying what he did last week. I don’t know if he’ll stay away…he’s never managed it in the past. Should I consider posting info to him on being bipolar? I know he won’t believe it. He hates it when I once said I cared for him a lot esp. after him having attempted suicide. He said I was implying he’s cripple and less of a man and I have insulted him like no other and that im the one who needs medical attention. What do I do? I care for him still not in a romantic way but as someone I did once love. And before all that, does it seem that he’s bipolar? Reading all the net all day, he does resemble a lot of the people who state how they behave in a relationship. I would like your views and advice. I feel very lost. Could he be bipolar and if so what do I do?
welcome rose, wow that was a long one, as they all are. the only thing i can say is work on yourself, and the reason am saying that is because, if you dont you will end up with someone else with the same type of problem, deal with your own issues first, if you think you havent got any do some soul searching, i did. i had anger problems stemming from childhood etc, issues from my past, bad relationship after bad relationship and emotional abuse. he maybe could be bipolar, but he also could be borderline or have narcissistic personality disorder, who knows. was he abused as a child, i get the feeling he didnt tell you everything about his past. my ex BP was very similar, i am now over him and have moved on, he still texts and rings me now wanting me back, yet when he got me back all the other times he didnt want me. we have tried and tried to work all this out on here- how their minds work etc, maybe one day we will know, one day the penny may drop, till then i would suggest you walk away till you know yourself inside out, cos it will cause you more heartache as many of us on here have endured, stay on the forum and we will all help each other, i have been off for a while, been doing my searching of myself 🙂 xx
RUN Rose, RUN…..read my posts on here and see what HELL relationships with Bipolars have on you. I am always going to be madly in love with my ExBP, but her brain is GONE…..swiss cheese. It seems to just get worse.
Wish I had better things to say, but this year was complete trauma on me. I don’t want you to go through the madness I had put up with.
Bipolar is a serious mental illness without a cure.
bit more richard skerrit – also mentions the imago theory which i also read all about, mentioned harville hendrix on here before and read all his books, it explains a few things xxxxx
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[Many of us in (or formerly in) relationships with abusive partners have observed a tendency to fall back into the same patterns in succeeding relationships. For many of us, we wonder if this is the equivalent of a “relationship death sentence”. I’m happy to say that for me it has not been so. Awareness, though, is key. One part of this awareness is recognizing the tendency toward partners with specific traits. This section, from the chapter on Dealing with Love, explains one piece of that puzzle. I explain this much more completely in my second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not!
As time progresses, my offering continues to grow to address the different challenges that we face in dealing with abusive partners and setting a future path to something better. Let me take a few lines and outline the three books I now have for this audience:
Tears and Healing, my first book, deals with the emotional challenges of recognizing an abusive situation and building a new emotional and moral foundation that can allow to escape from the crush of abuse. This book is about you and your thoughts and feelings about your life situation.
In Love and Loving It – Or Not!, my second book, goes into much more depth in explaining how and why we fall in love, and how that relates to a loving relationship, which is different. Since most of us got into our abusive situations by falling in love, and stayed there partly because of that, this is a key issue for us. It isn’t just important in dealing with our current or past relationship, but also for the future. This book can help you take concrete steps to make this aspect of your emotional life work better for you.
Meaning from Madness addresses the issues I spend so much time on in personal consultation: what drives a disordered person to do what they do? Personality disordered people have a psychological dynamic that makes them think and act in ways that are totally different from us, and totally puzzling until we start to learn what makes them tick. Part of understanding is also knowing what are the possibilities for improvement with treatment. This book offers factual insight rather than emotional insight, and really is an essential addition to Tears and Healing.
Get all three together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. My favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also the Richard Skerritt Package. that includes The Way of Respect. Plus I offer the two disorder packages: the sociopath pack and the Borderline Pack which combine my books with a book by a recommended author.]
Why Do I Long for Her (or Him)? – Imago Theory
I hear this question a lot, and since I worked hard to get a plausible explanation of this for myself, I want to offer this short discourse on Imago Relationship Theory, attributable to Hendrix.
Imago – Each of us forms an Image (called an imago – pronunciation: i mah go) based on the characteristics of our primary caregivers as young children. This subconscious image includes the shortcomings in those people, including how we were hurt or neglected. It determines who we will fall in love with. When we meet an imago match, we quickly feel like we’ve always known him, we can’t remember being without him. We fee that we aren’t complete without him, that we must have him. Our subconscious is overjoyed at finding the person who once had cared for us, and will now resume and make everything right.
Romantic love overwhelms us and makes us behave in unselfish ways, and see only the good in the person. Invariably this peters out (usually soon after engagement or marriage) and the person hurts us in the same way as our childhood caregivers (this is why they match our image), and we are ill prepared to deal with this. The relationship falters, and if both partners cannot grow to overcome the weaknesses that they have, the relationship will fail. By this time, our subconscious has caught on that this person isn’t going to make everything right, and we are ready to go find another imago match. This is commonly called falling out of love.
The bad news is that these feelings of necessity are very strong early in the relationship. The good news: there are lots of imago matches in the world, and you can find others if you work at it. More bad news: since you failed in your first relationship, and didn’t overcome your weaknesses, you’ll do it all over again.
If you’re not used to thinking about how your mind and feelings work together, this might sound like psycho-babble. But it is a very powerful model that fits with real life experience. It really helped me to move on when my subconscious went out and found a near-clone of my BPW and flattened me into love with her. So theories like this can help you see what’s happening in a different way, makes better choices about how you react, and move on to feeling better.
Hendrix has at least two books: Getting the Love You Want (for couples) and Keeping the Love You Find (for singles) (p. 163). They’re wordy but well worth the time and effort if you are struggling to understand why you are so in love with someone, or how to get out of love with someone who is bad for you.
Interesting post on Richard….with respect to me, however…I long for Terri as it was by far the best loving rewarding greatest relationship I was ever in….that is UNTIL SHE GOT SICK……
I’ve never been one to go after “bad” relationships myself. In fact, most of the relationships I’ve been in have been pretty good.
I rather enjoyed the post though. Thanks for posting it.,
Thanks for your comments guys.
@ Michelle999: i don’t think i have many underlying issues myself. yes i’ve had a up and down past but many people have. and we deal with them. my soul searching came after a car accident when i was 21, after that i changed my outlook on life. i’ve always been level headed, non judgemental and positive. i modelled for a few years and educated myself to a high level and work in the city. i was and am happy. i didnt get attracted to him because of his condition. we both are amateur actors, shared a passion and got talking. through getting to know me, he became who i wanted. later when i saw it was an act and that his past issues are interfering in his life, my love for him did start to lose its strength. i still still love, always will but im not in love with him. because of him, i had to cope with my father;s illness alone, i lost my job and failed my final exam because he used to call me at 3 in the morning to chat and then later blame me for running up his bill. something isnt right and i only see that when im no longer with him. he wasnt abused as a child but he has a turbulent relationship with his mother. he’s overly sensitive and that caused problems there too, he left home pretty early on. yet the only thing he speaks about is his mother and how much he loves her. standing by him or not isnt an option, he wants me out. so i’ll go and as you said will concentrate on finding someone good for me in life. i think the drawback i had/have is being attracted to bad boys, that is the one thing i can think of in me that didnt work in my favour. maybe i ought to reevaluate that. nearly all of my guy friends have proposed to me saying id make someone very happy but i dont find them attractive because they’re saints. food for thought i guess…
as for leaving him, i only found it difficult because he was my first love. and the first time is always so hard. but im wise and have enough life experience to tell me that life is hard and sometimes we just need to let go. if he needs me ever in life, i don’t know how i’ll respond. but safe to say that im pretty sure that wont be for a while now. i dont know what he has, if he’s bipolar or borderline, a personality disorder but i know that something’s not right.
thanks you guys, really appreciate the support.
All relationships start off great especially those with bipolar persons. They are like a set of new tires If you got four good yrs out of them before they turn to shit then your going to have to be happy with that. Also when you take a much younger person for a mate the chances are triple that the person will go through lifes changes. Its called growing up. People do change I also married a much younger non bipolar woman had two kids a new house in a great area lasted eleven yrs before she decided to live a new life. Bipolar are not the only ones who change like that and yes it sucks but you need to change with it. Get your act together stop worrying about what she is doing and start taking care of buisness and yourself. Wasting your time on a person you basically do not exist for is stupid. Putting your ”
Life in the hands of a mentally ill person is dumb. Take charge of your own life and man up! Does it hurt? Is sure as fuck does. Should you refuse to see your duty to yourself and your daughter then you will go the way of others who would not could not change. The dinosaur. Dinosaur’s do not exist because they did not have the power of reason. You do! We all miss what we had in the beginning of a great relationship often forgetting the bad. Bipolar is a progressive disease. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to take charge after all if you are gone then she will only have a mental person to rely on. And that’s also stupid.. Don’t be stupid! You don’t fight a battle unless there is something to be gained by it.. Don’t fight a losing battle. Yeah I know this that and the other thing. But now its time to rebuild and recoup your losses. Put on your big boy pants and straiten up and fly right. Set a goal whether it be a new car new bike new lover or new place place to to live or maybe all of those and go for it! Don’t put a mental person behind the wheel or you will end up in a wreck.. And that’s tbss too bad so sad… And just plain dumb.
And if you think that’s harsh there is going to be more where that came from mister. You don’t think there are other beautiful sweet kind and thoughtful woman out there who deserve and want a kind loving thoughtful relationship? Then read the blogs over again. Mean people suck no matter what they look like..
‘We all miss what we had in the beginning of a great relationship often forgetting the bad.’ exactly. that’s what i did. but i did that cuz i believe in fidelity and loyalty. every relationship has problems, i wanted to work through ours. but he just couldnt understand and would throw a rage. sometimes, very rarely when i spoke to him gently i could see the penny drop….that lasted one day. i didnt know he had a problem, if i had known i would have taken a different approach. there’s no reasoning with someone you cant reason with and as u say bipolar is a progressive disease. if i’d known that he wasnt well, then id known that what im doing is wasted. it feels goods to know what went wrong after him still mailing me now and then to point out that i was the failure with us much to my shock. at least i can stop saying to him please stop being dr jeckyl and my hyde. cuz now i understand he cant help it. answering the what went wrong will allow me to gain that little bit of peace that i lost when with him. only the why will remain unanswered and that is something only god will answer one day.
Why is the same as why god made little green apples. Its the nature of the disease that causes a host of other disorders. Living the bipolar life style that they do with all its lies and infidelity’s tends to make them paranoid angry unforgiving and pointing there blame and failures on others etc..
Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to do or die. Either we shit or get off the pot. Can’t fix what refuses to admit is broken.
Cmon folks, lighten up abit. We we’re all searching for “why” at one time. That’s the stage Rose is at. How many people start by asking “can someone help me?” Thats the way I started. I didnt know what the F BP was. I didn’t know the psychology or the depth of the illness. She’s looking for some answers to make some peace, both with herself and the relationship. Damn, I put 20 years in mine. I’m the poster boy for “FOOL”
There are issues we too have, whether we want to hear that or not. we can pretend we are the saviours of these people, we can pretend we’ve met sliced bread again. Alot comes down to how well you know the illness and what it does to people and relationships. We see on the news all the time now, he’s BP, she’s BP and some doc condenses the explaination of what BP is in 30 seconds. BP needs its own reality channel properly named BP not the 6 oclock news or pregnant and 13.
Rose read up as much as you can. There is often other personality issues or disorders that accompany someone who is BP, so there is not just one answer to any queston of why someone did this or that.
Take the time to take care of yourself first. we often, very often dont do that. Most BP partners are not selfish, the relationship wouldn’t make it past can you spare some toilet paper phase.
And dont asking questions. The more you are able to understand things , the better you are able to get over it and move on.
@Mark: thanks, you know me so well 🙂 i didn’t know anything about bipolar till last night. i read all night and today all day and the penny kinda dropped that he may be so. im still reading up on other disorders that may accompany this. i’d like to know for myself and also to leave it with him to consider for the next time he falls in love with someone. because neither he nor she would deserve that. if he contacts me, i’ll pass him the knowledge. what he chooses to do with it is up to him. he’l hate me for it but it’ll be no worse than how things are now. and yes you’re right, i will concentrate on moving away from him and paying a little more attention on getting my life back on track.
20 yrs is a longggg time mark…i was only with this guy for 1.5 yrs. and i dont want to be anyone’s saviour. it’s a big responsibility to carry, and i won’t force my way into his life to help him. of course, you ‘re right, we all have issues. but acting the way that he does i can see the difference between normal and not so normal issues. i think that’s what attracted him to me…he liked my sense of stability he said. i hope he finds his way in life. and me mine as it was 2 years ago.
I just wrote the LONGEST post and this stupid website gobbled it all up…I am SO bummed. At least 30-45 minutes down the drain.
Well, Terri with Crusty again…peanut the rapist is in an open relationship with her and went to single on his facebook page after 24 hours…guess he got dumped too today.
She is still out of her mind….on new meds, but wants NOTHING to do with me.
Court coming up soon….(child support) and visitation court papers are going to be picked up there so I can start filing with that stuff after.
She’ll let me have Sophie for a weekend every other weekend now.
She acts NOTHING like she used to. She seems to manage her life (job, etc) okay though….
She seems to have gotten bored with facebook which is weird…ALL she did was facebook when she moved back in January this year….all day all night. Now, she hardly ever logs on it if at all.
I think she isn’t happy by the sound of her voice. I get the impression that she she never wants to work “us” out ever again…at least from what she says at this point.
I guess being with a High school kid that can hardly write with no job and lives with his mama- or a pizza making rapist that has no car or cannot write either is MUCH more appealing to her VS. a loving man that has a nice home, car and a good job…..
it’s hard NOT to be offended nor hurt watching this unfold.
Oh well….forward
I’ve been REALLY really working hard to find someone else….I mean with a vengence. It isn’t panning out too well, but I am working hard at it.
I miss my Family so much…even terri and after ALL the crap she put me thru….probably will never ever get over her nor stop loving her…the REAL terri…before she got sick.
Awful situation….I feel for the kids. Dang.
ROSE: if you would like to ask questions here…feel free. I and others are here for you and have been thru hell and back with this BP stuff.
WTF! bud, you’re waiting to go to court to let them tell you what SHE gets for child support BEFORE you’re filing for custody arrangments?
Sorry guy, you’re going to tell us next you can’t afford to file. Or she’s going to tell you, pay me this much each month and we’ll talk about getting back together. Sorry guy, your doing it backwards, you’re better off fighting to get Sophie yourself.
Rose,
Don’t be afraid to tell the guy he’s BP. In some calm setting or calm time if possible. You can even take the approach, hey, I saw this on the news, use the beta jones story if you want and just say hey this sounds like me meaning “you” and then say you “him” as well. I finally did it like that, a little non threatening then saying “your crazy” which I’m positive somebody has screamed at em in their lifetime. I’m at the point now where I can tell em they’ve left the building and are in space with some of there actions and ideas and it doesnt start a big fight. Beleive me, they KNOW something is going on they just do not know WHAT. I know they dont immediately run off to the MH center with you for a full evaluation, med write up and pysch coundseling but its a start in the right direction. Often alot is communicating and doing things in a non combative way, hard I know. Educating yourself will start calming you down, alot you’ve been thru will start to have some type of answers. best of luck. remeber, take care of yourself FIRST.
Thanks Mark. I spoke to a good friend last night. He doesn’t know anything about bp either so said he cant judge. But he said he could just be a ‘class-a jerk’. And that does make me think what if he is just a jerk? What if i provide him with this information (which you’re right, i’ll find the right way of doing and the beta-jones story sounds like the best way) and i’m wrong. He’s made it clear to me that he’ll be fine if I go away and i’m the cause of his stress. But the more i read about this and other associated disorders, the more i can see something isn’t right. I spoke to his friend who is overseas and simply outlined a reaction of his and he said something, somewhere isn’t right man. I wrote to his best friend who’s also here to speak with me but i don’t know him well so why would he believe anything i say? The guy won’t listen to me so i thought i’d leave it with someone who might. But then i think what if i’m wrong, if i’m misinterpreting the situation and we were just a normal couple with fights and he’s just a jerk. And i interfere and say all this to find i’m wrong and eveyone thinks i’m insane and it causes anger from everywhere. In my heart deep down, i don’t believe that and to back up this i know he also had the same instance with his last girlfriend after whom he also tried to commit suicide. But there’s also the possibility that we’re wrong. If i’m wrong, i’ll be the world’s wrost person in eveyone’s eyes. I don’t care if people think i’m insane for thinking this if i turn out to be wrong, but it will incur a lot of anger and i know i’ll be disrespected a lot in trying to figure this out. My friend said it’s not your problem, he’s a grown man..let it go. Just need to decide what i should do…what’s right and what’s best.
The what if I’m wrong stopped me for way too long. You gotta view it like an intervention. From all you’ve said, at the very least counseling of some sort would be reccomended. This is exactly one of the main reasons people dont get the help they need, we tend to make it “something else” that is wrong. Telling someone you think they are Mentally ill doesn’t come out of your mouth as easy as “hey, you got da flu, you better see a doctor”. Once you get past that stage whether they stay in contact with you or not, you’ve done the right thing. If it’s this hard as aclose friend, you can see why family steer clear about talking about it.
I think i’ll do my research. And i’ll wrote him a mail saying i’m always here for him. I won’t meet with his friend or tell anyone anything. i’ll just write to ther guy saying next time he goes through a hard patch, i may be able to help. i think when he’s cornered by life itself, he’ll be more willing to listen. that seems fairer on me too as he’s my ex and i really ought to move on with my life after him having left me a year ago but keeping in touch with me now and then despite me not wanting to. this way, he’ll have his space and me mine till the next time something happens. if it does and he tells me, i’ll have more confidence in that i may be right as it’s all happening again and he’ll be more willing to listen. i’ll tell his friend in the meantime to keep an eye on him just for my sake. and leave everything there. yes that sounds more healthy i think.
I wrote that email.
I wrote and said “I will always be here for you!”
And I always was……
Then one day I discovered a world he lived in that I didnt even know existed, two years I was with him, two years of caring and loving him, being there…..
My advice…… 3 months down the line since I have seen my Ex, is RUN…..very fast, do not get dragged into their world! I thought I could fix it, I was told he loved me enough to die for me……he loved no one!!
3 months down the line I am very happy, more than happy, my life is free from the pain of it all and I will never look back!
He will hurt you, he will F%&* your life up, he has already made a start……dont ever be under the illusion you can manage this…..you cant!
Please listen, I was you 12/18 months ago, I lost 2 years of my life crying for someone who was never who I thought he was…..dont do it…..walk away!!
@Wishing well: i can’t help but think you’re right and yes i’ll definitely think about it. thankfully, i’ve declined to speak with him now and he’s too busy hating me to speak with me. if he ever does, i’ll think abt it then. my own head will be clearer then too. but yes i think i believe that you’re right on this one. thanks.
yeah but the only reason that the two could ever mix is cos they teach us valuable lessons, i have learnt a lot form my BP, how to stand up for myself for one. we learn by our mistakes and i agree with the imago theory xxx glad you are well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I get a phone call today…terri suggests I drive up there, pick up everyone for the weekend so I can see her and the kids.
She knows my car won’t make the trip well, so I say, well…it might make it…and she says…well, my van (which is falling apart badly) would probably do better, but it needs a tuneup…
She claims she is doing this so “I” can be happy if for a few days, but would like me to pay for everything…including tuning up her car so it will make it back…by the way….it means nothing about getting back together….no assuming we are going to “sleep” together and I have to “keep it to myself”
Sounds like she wants me to be her sugar daddy for the weekend to me….
Any comments? Am I right on the mark?
Lost suggested to me today to just go up and see my daughter and let her car hang….let her see Sophie and I have a great time without terri…let her loser boyfriends pay to fix the car…..
I agree completely…..
I must admit, I sure would love to spend the weekend with my family….
I think Mark or Bittersweet will agree with lost and myself…..
Go See Sophie she must be your priority and take every chance you can, its good for access rights too that you are involved!
Terri has gone now, you must not be a sugar daddy or anything else…..you must have pride for yourself if nothing else?
Raan you can be happy again!
When you are least expecting it, someone good will come into your life, dont hang onto Terri, I did that, I didnt let myself be open to other opportunities, no one could get close to me, it was a barrier I couldnt see…….remove it and look for love again!!
@Wishing well: the sound of the penny dropping may be deafening but it certainly helps answer all those questions; even if only bp is a possibility. You seem to have gone through a similar time to me in some ways and i’m happy that the knots in your stomach have gone…mine are certainly disappearing too.
My brother said something to me during my relationship which u now repeated and it hit the final nail in the coffin. He said that he doesn’t expect me to believe him when he says this but because this was my first relationship, i should trust him when he says that this isn’t what love and relationships are abt. This isn’t how things work in real life and if i took a step away and cut contact with him (due to that invisible barrier of not letting anyone else in), i’ll soon well find a deserving partner who’ll show me what happiness in a relationship really means.
I think i’ll be eternally grateful to my partner for this one thing; leaving me; since i could never have taken that first step. Which allowed me to discover all this and come to my senses. To stay away is most certainly for the best. Appreciate your post a lot.
Wow, you really are much wiser than your years. You are going to be fine. It really is a learning process about both BP AND YOURSELF. While there is obviously alot of pain, it forces you to examine how you deal with your relatioships and what type of person you are and what to be.
I say this to everyone. If I were to gaurantee you that you would find a happier, loving and peaceful relationship by moving on past a current emotional roller coaster one with an out of control BP, would you? Remember it was a gaurantee. I would hope you would say …”of course”
It is only that gaurantee that often blocks you from seeking one out. While all our stories have details like marriage, kids, money issues that play a big part in it, it shouldn’t stop you. Life is just too short.
Raan, my friend , yes I am happy for you. I know this is taking a long time, its like a shark knawing at your elbow all day, wk and month. There are truely a million fish in the sea,meeting, talking , connecting is even more easier now via the internet. DONT SETTLE. Don’t think you have to make Terri your family for life because of your daughter. You should however make Sophie a priority for life and she really needs that now.
I know my 20 year history doesnt make me the smartest tool in the shed,i deal with that everyday thinking what if. Well I’m past that now and a hundred times better off, smarter and with every passing day getting healthier. I got a 19 yr boy in the Army who I couldn’t be prouder of; no teenager is pregant to him that I’m aware of and he’s been able to get thru all our storms.
Just dont be afraid to take a chance and make a better life for yourself becuse you dont know of a “for sure”. The only for sure I know of only one for sure for everyone and i hope that truely is along ways away.
@Mark: Thank you. I guess the coping mechanims I’ve come to develop in life worked for me here. I dedicated a yr and a half to our relationship and another to try and get through to him and hang on for our sake. My self-respect won’t let me carry on as the answers to the two questions; would he do the same for me, do i deserve this both is a no.
Having said that, he left me so it was easier for me to walk away. You invested 20 yrs in your relationship. I wouldn’t be hard on myself if I’d done the same; you shouldn’t be either. Reason being is that as you said my situation is very uncomplicated; i’ve only been very lucky. We’re all human and i can guarantee that we all would have felt the same in your situation. Some good things come out of the all the bad things in life. For me, this relationship allows me to see a bright future and by comparison, a potentially effortless relationship in that. Any time i find a relationship in the future difficult, i’ll only have to cast my mind back to what this felt like. I’m sure you have countless moments of that wisdom to take further with you too that couldn’t have been obtained any other way. Not to mention a lovely son. As you said, it’s a learning process and a chance to re-evaluate more about who you are and what you’d like in life.
Whether i choose to help him or not now is something i haven’t settled on and will take my time in doing so depending on how things unravel. For once, i’ll take my time thinking…
It’s strange..i feel like i’m speaking to an entire different species of human beings here. My friends who are around the same age as me don’t believe in so much loyalty. Over the smallest issues, they move on from their partners. They always said i’d tried to make it work like someone saves their marriage and they’d just have dumped him at the first fight what with how his behaviour was. And when i spoke to my married friends, they said the same thing. Good to talk to all you guys here who have been at different stages of your relationships but felt the same.
Spring has sprung. The extra sunlight has worked its magic! Helping all of up BP & non BP. Maybe some new loves? Or not so new loves arrived with spring 🙂 a bad economy coupled with longer work days keeps us without much personnel time? All is good I hope for now. Still standing on our own two feet 🙂
Start over as new! Use your smarts! Be cunning and don’t forget what u have learned by mistakes past.. Go easy but be silently shrewd. I’m here for ya! We all are rooting for you. Go easy..
Thank you Raan but anyone can do it, it takes guts yes, but the outcome is so much better!!
Raan you must never bank on anything if you stay, just take each day as it comes and always, ALWAYS stay ahead of the game……
She will hurt you again and again but you know that, if you can stand the pain then maybe it will work…….I couldnt, I loved him, I wasnt going to share him with anyone!!
Think seriously Raan because take it from me, there is light at the end, I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be this happy again!! xx
Good advice. I’ll always do my best to be my best and to think ahead. I’m doing better.
I think I’m handling everything much better lately. I intend it to stay that way.
I’ll be careful and keep in mind she may pack up on any given day for any or no reason and that could today even. I’m hip to it at this point I think. Noticed I chilled out posting lately? I have a much better grip on things.
Her antics still get to me sometimes, but not as much now. What a nightmare it is to get to this point.
I feel or EVERYONE that has endured being in a relationship with a bipolar….I had no idea it would become this bad in hindsight. I am AMAZED looking back
on these last 8 months. What she did…what I put up with….BOUNDARIES.
It is tragic Raan and very very sad but we have to do what is best for us all, some will stay some will go…..but remember dont ever put someone elses happiness before your own…..you are responsible for your life and happiness!!
@Wishing Well and all: Yes it turned out well thank you. He’s out of my life. I chose not to help. I think i owe it to myself to focus on myself now. Still putting my life together but there’s no pain in doing so. In fact, i’m happy, having fun and kissing the floor every morning thinking thank god im not with him. Life couldn’t be better. What love? Don’t remember a thing anymore 😉
So nice to see so many similar and positive replies from you all about how things are going with you 🙂
So pleased Rose….you really did save yourself so much heartache……I didnt see a future whilst in the BP relationship, now I have so much to look forward too!!
hi everyone, my boyfriend is bipolar too. he was really fall in love with me…he lost his job on january and second day he called me and told me he doesnt love me and he never loved me he only loves me like his friend we were planning to marry i was shock i couldnt eat, drink long time…i send him few email and he send me so many nice one too…after one month we went out he did so many nice think to me he spent so much money for me (i know he doesnt even have penny) second they he told me he doesnt love me he still loves his ex girl friend i was shock again…third day he told me his problem whith himself and he told me he has been like this last couple of years he cant help himself he is very unseccfull no one trust him but he doesnt trust noone too…his very close friend told me he is bipolar but he doesnt take med…i love this guy i’am not sure if he loves me i try to help him sometimes he tolks sometimes doesnt….the worse thing is he goes to dating site everyday trying to find a girl…i wrote him from this dating site he asked me pic and he told me he is very rich:)))i dint say anything… he is a big lier but he wasnt like that this is not him…he was very nice not lier he, very honest guy…he has different personallty now but i am still trying to help him cos when he wasnt ill he did so many nice things to me:((
Its a similar story to us all, we have all had the problems you have described, you will need to educate yourself on Bipolar and then do some long hard thinking as to whether you can live with the Bipolar illness, I couldnt and have been lucky enough to find really happiness after a couple of years of trying to make the relationship with Bipolar work.
Talk to anyone who will help, read all the info you can find and ask all the questions you can…..its a roller-coaster and hard to get off, make sure you know what you are doing because it will test you to the limit!!
Hey wish! Good to hear your doing life over again and this time getting some real results away from bp guy. You always said we make our choices and I am glad you were able to jump off the sinking bp ship and find yourself something more suited to the fine babe that you are 😉
Michelle/Bitterbabe I hope are doing well and I am sorry I haven’t been able to keep in touch as much as I’d like. Been caught up in myself mostly. Taking care and trying to bring myself up to speed with the rest of the none bipolar world.
Raandle I keep a handle on you for awhile. Turns out you have become a good friend of mine and I don’t throw that term around loosely. Your doing great so just keep it up. Everyday is a new day and should be treated as such.
I’m always around reading the blogs but I may not add my two cents worth all the time. I think the pretty ladies on this blog can help the woman better to a certain degree.
As for me? Well spring and the longer days and warm sunlight has once again come to my rescue. I am officially back with my beautiful hot and sexy but crazy non bp girlfriend michelle my bell 🙂
For now I will not put all my eggs in one basket and I’ll be keeping a few of my favorite play pals close at hand just incase things head south 😉
Yes I’m a pig I guess but its not all my fault! I learned this the hard way..
And its not my fault god made you woman so attractive to me 😉
I love each and every one of you (one and maybe two at a time preferably 🙂
Well just wanted to say hello to you all and wish you the best! Keep in touch you brats lol.
Really good to hear Lost….so pleased….I wish you good luck with your lady!
We are all doing ok, I think!
It is very interesting but the words Lost has wrote below are so true, the people we met, the people of our dreams never go back to being who we fell in love with, its a sad fact that they blame us for the breakdown of the relationships when all the time we tried so hard to hold it all together!
P.S.
I did contact my xbp girl just as an experiment. She said I’m forgiven and holds no bad will against me lmfao that’s so big of her 🙂
Yes poor things still nuts and never came back to being the sweet thing I had fallen in love with. That’s TBSS too bad so sad lol.
After combing the internet for answers on dating someone with Bipolar, I came across these forums. I have found some solace in reading the stories of many as I can relate to almost all of them.
I am a retired veteran of the United States Army. I have served in Operation Desert Storm and more recently in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I have experienced my share of emotional and mental breakdowns due to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). So I thought I understood this disorder…somewhat.
I have been dating a woman for nearly two years. At first everything seemed normal as any new relationship would. But as time went by, I started noticing very odd behavior. Three weeks into our relationship she told me she was in love with me. Naturally I could not respond in kind as I barely knew her. She took this very personally and broke off the relationship. The very next day she recanted and said she didn’t mean to break it off. We had a conversation about it where she revealed to me that she was a Bipolar. She told me she had had two failed marriages and several failed relationships. Of course I became cautious but stayed in the relationship anyway. (I’ve been through two wars how difficult can this be) Over the next year many more episodes occurred. She told me at least 4 more times that she didn’t want our relationship anymore because she had an interest in someone else. In one incident she actually slept with someone else. Each time I forgave her and truly tried to make it work. Here I am almost two years later and it continues to happen.
She goes through extreme moods, depression, self hate and questionable behavior. She tells me one day that I am the love of her life then turns around and tells me the very next day she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She admits that she can not be faithful, she says, she can’t help herself. At this point I have fallen in love with this woman and find it extremely hard to walk away from her even though it’s taking an emotional toll on me. I have gone to the extent as to take courses at the VA to learn more about Bipolar Disorder. I felt that if I could understand what was happening I could be more supportive.
Most recently (yesterday) she broke it off again. She was going through another episode. What pushed her over the edge this time was when she went into a local store and had her debit card declined for insufficient funds. She’s been having financial problems and this incident embarrassed her and push her into another depression. She text me and said she couldn’t continue our relationship. This completely out of nowhere. Again I am devastated. I couldn’t sleep last night and have been unable to eat all day today. She text me today and said she was sorry for hurting me. Then a second text later she said she had a total meltdown and had spoken to her doctor. I simply responded by saying that I understood how she felt and that I was here for her regardless of how she wanted me out of her life.
I am at a loss on what to do or how to proceed. I am a Special Forces Soldier in the United States Army and am embarrassed to say that I have been crying all day. My world is shattered. I love this woman with every fiber of my being. But I how I feel right now, I’d rather be dodging bullets in Iraq again. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
LEARN. Educate yourself on Bipolar disorder. READ every letter on this forum….you’ll see a pattern. Work on your own sanity. It’s So hard. Hang n there!
Everyone,
You are not alone! I married a woman 2 years ago, and everything went well for the first 6 months, then everything went haywire. She spent money frivolously and impulsively to the tune of causing me to file for bankruptcy. Now, between the 2 of us we took in over $150,000.00/yr. She makes $20,000.00 more a year than me. She would only help pay by paying the minimum because she said if she helps pay the debt too soon I would end up leaving her when the debt was gone. She also taught her daughter to disrespect me in my own home. You see, the 2 of them lived like utter slobs to the point of ruining my house. When I tried to teach her daughter to not get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave unfinished food laying all around the house my wife would reprimand me in front of her daughter and tell her that I had a personality disorder. So, now the daughter can do anything she wants in my home. My wife would let her stay up all hours of the night with the TV blaring, go in the refrigerator and eat junk food whenever she wanted, and now the child is obese and looking unhealthy. My wife also has a severe compulsive gambling problem and vicodin problem. She always made me feel like crap because she said I was trying to take her gambling away and her vicodin away. I told her she can do anything she wants as long as it was done responsibly. She actually said to me: could you imagine if I stopped gambling and impulsive spending she would have lots of money. I replied: yea, then we can start doing things as a family. Her come back: well you can save for that. She use to constantly complain to me about me having a house and credit cards and she doesn’t, and what kind of husband am I if I don’t let her use the credit cards. Well, I did and now I am filing for bankruptcy. I finally told her and her daughter had to leave. She left, and now she is punishing me.
Here is where the bipolar disorder comes in. When she left she told me with tears that she doesn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought maybe we could try and patch and save the marriage. I helped her move, came over on weekends to help fix things around her new place, and took them out to dinner and a bunch of things for her. I would do all these things only to go thru her bipolar episodes of constantly reminding me of forcing her to live like she has to now by telling her to leave. One moment she loves me and the next I was a jerk for throwing her love in the gutter. She makes $90,000.00/yr. and is constantly broke and expects me to bail her out financially like a good husband. I have her and her daughter on my health insurance at the cost of $558.00/mo. You see, she gets 200 vicodin/mo on my insurance and would only get 30 vicodin/mo on her insurance, and if she goes on her insurance she is afraid that her HMO Company would see her medical history with the possibility of losing her RN nursing license. She can be pleasant one moment and at the drop of a hat be screaming at me and putting me down. She is a 24/7 complainer and you never know what will trigger an episode. She does this with daughter all the time. She keeps her daughter at home gives her anything she wants and then screams at her by cursing at her and threatening her daughter that she is going to have her live with her father in VA because her daughter is constantly trying to get her mother’s attention which she hardly gives her . Her daughter can’t socialize very well, so she keeps her daughter at home all alone in the middle of now where during the day and most nights when my wife goes gambling. The child writes on facebook constantly how crazy her mom is and can’t wait to go to VA for the summer so she can get away from her crazy mom. The child never leaves the house, but leaves only when her mom takes her for junk food or to the restaurant for dinner because her mom has all these ailments and doesn’t want to cook. I went over her house a couple of weeks ago and went gambling with her because I told her I would, but also told her we should gamble responsibly. Well she lost her money and asked me for money to keep on playing. I gave her twenties up to $100.00 and told her we should go home because her daughter has to eat. Well, I took them to dinner. While we were eating at the restaurant she had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t say a word because I didn’t want to trigger an episode in public. She then told me to hold off because she might work something out. Well I held out and she didn’t say anything further, so I left without giving her any money. The next week after not answering my phone calls until the following weekend she told me how does it feels not having a wife answering my phone calls. She screamed and cursed me up and down for not giving her any money. She also said she knows she lost her money gambling, but she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Meanwhile I hear her daughter in the background say: mommy if I had the money I would give it to you; not like your husband. I then said but you make $20,000.00/yr more than me. She said: I knew you would say that so f*** you Bobby and hung up. My friend overheard the whole episode and it even shook him up. I finally had enough of her rollercoaster ride of one minute she loves me to the next abusing and putting me down when all I’m trying to do is help her. I can’t give any more, and it might turn out that way for you. I’m really sorry you have to go through what you are going through, but if they refuse to see they have a problem and won’t seek help for themselves, then there is nothing we can do. We must now take care of ourselves. Yes I know it hurts, but should we keep taking the abuse and ruin our health? I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can patch things up with your wife. I would have given my wife the world if she could only see her problem and maintain responsibly, but I can’t help her because she doesn’t think she needs it. All I wanted is to have a family and do things as a family. Good luck and God bless.
Bob
Thanks Raan-man! I hope that your situation works out for you. I wish mine would also because I love my wife tremendously. I had to end mine completely by calling child protective services on my wife. Now my wife hates my guts, and I actually feel terrible, but she doesn’t want to seek help, and I can’t take the rollercoaster ride anymore. She just kept treating me like an absolute nothing, but will end with an I love you. I am a diabetic and have to think of my health. If she would admit to her problem I would stop the world and help her, but I just don’t think that is going to happen. Again thanks and good luck to you!
Bob
Hi everyone. I’m incredibly new to this site. I came across the original blog “Do bipolar people have feelings” a few days ago and read many of your guys’ stories. I couldn’t help but feel an extreme hopelessness and familiarity. Which I can’t even do in therapy. He’s bipolar and I have generalized anxiety and seasonal depression. I’ve been with my bipolar for almost two years. We are so young 19 and 20 I know many of you will say that I’m young I need to move on but it’s so hard. I feel a little out of place here by stating my age but he is my best friend as well. It’s scary, the thought of completely losing someone you’ve worked so hard to understand. It’s also disappointing because now that I finally understand him and his illness there’s that thought in my head that tells me I need to get out of this. I simply can’t. I care about the guy so much.
I was about to post my full story but it’s a little long and I feel quite dumb because it’s so ridiculous. I know everyone will say that I should just leave and forget about him, I’m so young but I know I’m extremely mature for my age and wise beyond my years (except with this). It’s easier said then done though. This year 2011, I’ve finally found a voice for myself against him. We fight bad about once a month. That’s when he usually changes. I feel like I don’t even know him. He left me a month ago for no reason. He said I needed to change. I didn’t understand what that meant at first but he wants me to be that sad puppy he had so much control over. It’s sad. I’m exhausted right now. Lost weight when I was already borderline underweight. Gave up so much and tried so hard to make things work. He’s so selfish. It’s nice to get things out and vent to people going through similar experiences. I’m so incredibly tired. Will there ever be peace in my life and will this craziness ever stop? I know I haven’t given enough detail but I feel as if I don’t need to, seeing as he is exactly like everyone else’s bipolar except he hasn’t been with another woman or at least I haven’t caught him. I just need advice on what I should do. Should I leave him alone? What should I do if he comes back?
Welcome, you’re more then encouraged to post all that is going on. I know it feels both ackward and helpful to vent out your situation but know that all of us here have been thru many of the things your describing.
First thing and the best advice I can give you personally from a long long history of a bp relationship is take care of yourself FIRST!. I know that maybe foreign or strange but it is without a doubt the best thing and first thing you MUST do. You’re no good to yourself to him to anyone. if you cannot focus on that. Already sounds like the relationship is taking its physical as well as psychological toll.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve read so many blogs, and can’t help feel that it’s not a script like everyone here. This is my scipt write of a BPD and BP story book.
I’ve been married to my wife for a little over 2 years now. The same things that I read are exactly what I have been through. Just a few minutes ago just before I started to write I got a call from my wife which totally surprised the heck out me. You see, I have done something to my wife that I for sure thought that she would never want to talk to me ever again.
When my wife wanted to capture me in order to marry me she hired a gym trainer to lose 68 pounds in order to seduce me. She was the one that initiated the I love you and let’s get married. She already knew my weaknesses because I had just broken a relationship I had for 18 years and knew I would be lonely. During her motivation to get me she went out and got a tattoo of my name put on her lower backside. She use to hang on me hand and foot. But, little did I know she had a compulsive gambling habit and legal vicodin habit which she has medical documentation for having it prescribed. She started to spend impulsively on my credit cards to the tune of me ending up in bankruptcy. When I started to go against her lifestyle this was the trigger to put her into her BPD episodes. She told me I had a house and credit cards and she didn’t because she couldn’t’ get her own. She makes $20,000.00/yr more than me but said she can do what she wants with her money and I ended up paying with my credit cards when she got into her instant gratification spending as she put it. She would only pay minimum payments because she told me that if she helps pay the cards off too soon I would end up leaving her which was not the case. She also told me what kind of a husband am I if I didn’t let her use the credit cards to satisfy this instant gratification. She has a 12 year old that she taught how to disrespect me. They lived like utter slobs to the tune of ruining my home. Her daughter would get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave half eaten food and wrappers all over the house. When I tried to teach her daughter not to do these things I would get reprimanded by her mother in front of her daughter. Now, her daughter can do anything she wanted in my home. To make a long story short, she only loved me it seemed only if I allowed her to live her destructive lifestyle. I ended up telling her that she and her daughter had to leave. Well, this is where she started to punish me severely. She said with tears that she didn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought they would leave and we could start working on the marriage. I helped her move, fixed things around her new place, and took them to dinner and places. She now lives on her own and keeps telling me that I forced her to live the way she is now. She is always broke, but she makes $90,000.00/yr. She abuses her daughter because she yells and screams at her daughter like she does to me constantly for reasons I can’t fathom. She leaves her daughter alone most of time because of her gambling. Her daughter has no social skills and no friends to play with. Her daughter keeps asking why she is always mean to her. I kept telling her daughter that her mother really does love her, but she gets angry and says things she doesn’t mean. Her daughter now suffers from Stockholm syndrome which means she sucks up to her mom so she doesn’t get yelled at. An example: I took my wife gambling one weekend in order to try and get her to gamble responsibly, but she lost her money and asked me for some. I gave in because I didn’t want an episode in public. She lost $100.00 of my money so I had to tell her lets go Maggie needs to eat. I took them out to eat, and while eating at the restaurant my wife had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t give her any money and she punished me for that. She told me she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Her daughter also punished me by telling her mom that if she had the money she would give it to her: not like your husband. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I had to contend with as her husband.
In ending, I will say that I got tired of the abuse because every time for quite awhile she would find reason to throw me out of her house after I drove 49 miles to her house to help her. I finally called Child Protective Services on her because if I couldn’t get my wife to seek the help she needs, then I can hopefully help the child. I knew that this would cause my wife to hate my guts and she would never get in contact with me again. I also notified her child’s father to let him know about the abuse of his daughter. Now, I just got a phone call from my wife telling me she is going to Virginia to see her new born grandson for awhile. She said she had to let me know, but why? She had not called me for over a week and I thought I had ended her calling me. Is she trying to keep me in the cycle? Is she still trying to punish me? I thought I had ended it by trying to help the daughter. I really don’t want the child ending up like her mom in later years. She should hate me now that I tried to have her daughter possibly taken away from her. She is paranoid of that. Please give me some insight. I am heartbroken and devastated!
Well he had left me for no reason a month ago. The situation was him driving my car over 100 mph on the 101 freeway (we live in the San Fernando Valley so it’s cop central specially on that freeway) because he needed to smoke weed. He’s addicted and I normally wouldn’t have an issue with weed but its worsen his bipolar. He’s so dependent on it. He started throwing a fit cause he needed to smoke and I understood this (I don’t smoke at all by the way).
I calmly without raising my voice asked him to slow down because he was going crazy. Then he went even crazier. He finally slowed down and we got to a friends house and he said lets go and asked me for money. I gave him the money and said no I’m crying I want to stay in the car.
He threw a fit again! Like swinging arms, almost hitting me, tears streaming down his face, fit. I’ve only seen him do this once before. I didn’t understand why me not wanting to go inside with him was such a big deal. Well, he smoked and everything was supposed to a-ok again. He went to work right after and texted me as if everything was fine. I asked him if he remembered what had happened earlier. I honestly don’t think he did. He didn’t understand how crazy he got. I kept asking do you understand? Do you remember?
He just left me for no reason after I said all this. I think he thought I was going to leave him. We didn’t talk for awhile. I know I shouldn’t have but I kept angrily texting him and calling him probably making things worse but he hurt me, he betrayed my trust.
Well its Friday right now and last Sat he had wanted to see me so happily agreed and went over. Things were fine for about four days. I didn’t see him one night (Tuesday) after he had got off from work and the next morning it was back to hell. He started accusing me of dressing like a sl*t when we weren’t seeing each other accusing me of partying (5 times out of the month we weren’t seeing each other I went to lunch with my 3 girl friends). He left me again. I’m so hurt right now. I just don’t understand what happened. Why is he capable of just not loving me anymore? I’ve done so much for this guy that I feel no 19 year old girl should have to go through for a guy. I’ve been so patient. I’ve given him everything and received nothing in return except literally a spit to the face. I feel as if God is punishing me for past mistakes in my life. When I was 15 I had gotten an abortion (I know I really sound like white trash but it was a mistake that I will forever live with and it haunts me everyday and night). I feel as if being with a guy like this is my punishment for what I did. I was so scared though. Being so young I didn’t want to be pregnant. I went to a very catholic all girls high school. I don’t even know why I want to be with him still I know I shouldn’t but I feel as if I need him in my life because when things are good there great. The companionship I guess. He’s been my best friend for so long. I just don’t know what happened to him. What made him hate me so much. What on earth did I do? I gave him everything, I tried so hard to learn and understand his illness. Bailed him out of his debts, paid for his bills. He didn’t appreciate anything. He never did anything like this for me. And when he bought me a Valentines present (flowers) he used this against me. I’m so confused. I feel as if he has no heart or feelings.
Okay I’m really sorry I’m posting so much but I’m going to list some of his bipolar actions and what not.
Unfinished goals. For example getting his GED. He never fully completed his senior year of high school due to his manic phase. Says he’s going to go back on meds. Quit weed for good. Get a car and get a second job to earn more income for himself. Says he wants to improve his life and start spoiling me etcc.
He leaves me about once a month and makes it as if it’s my fault? I do nothing to make him leave. He makes it as if I’m the one who left him. He left me because I admit I complained when I should. It was always along the lines of Why do you treat me the way you do? Why can’t you pay for dinner for once? Those two things. Never has he paid for a dinner in our two years of being together. He used to treat me to movies in the beggining but stopped. He thinks because he bout me flowers for Valentines day he’s some kind of prince charming. I showed him that I appreciated it. I know that material things shouldn’t be an issue but it’s hard when every other day your paying for your boyfriends things like bailing him out of debt when he was about to get sued by the credit card company, helping him out with rent, paying his $130 phone bills every month (it’s under my name I have to pay it so the jerk doesn’t mess up my credit), buying his food, his clothes, and his weed. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on him. He has a job. A good job too.
He bought a puppy. I told him this was a bad idea since he can barely afford to feed himself. That I was going to have to end up paying for all it’s needs. He got his dog. He didn’t even want to buy the dog a bed! He said I’m just going to let it sleep where it wants it’s just an animal. I said it’s a puppy. You need to at least get it a bed. He said no to stop telling him how to raise his dog and I said fine. Don’t ask me for help when the dog gets sick it’s your dog. Well this puppy came with many problems. Got into a fight. Now he’s a couple hundred dollars in debt.
A few months ago we got into a fight. I had previously gone to ER a month before. He said I was doing this for the attention. Anyways, we had gotten into a fight a bad one. He said he was beating himself up. Taking a bunch of pills. Bleeding everywhere. Was dissapointed in me that I was there to help him. He said he was also on the phone with his mom that she was the one who sent the ambulance over. He told me he was being taken away in the ambulance and had to go. I was confused. I would think that if this really was happening the texts would be farther apart and that I would never even have known from him if he was in this bad condition. So I went over to his house. The door was unlocked so I opened the door and there he was in perfect condition smoking weed with his roomate with his cell phone in hand. I looked at him hurt and confused and I screamed you told me you were going to hospital. Pretty sure I embarassed him bad in front of his roomate. He pushed me out of the house screamed at me to get the fuck out and locked it. I called his mom she never spoke with police or him.
Morning of my birthday. Woke up. I was very happy. I thought it was going to be a good day. His bathroom is far and all of his roommates and friends were awake. I asked him to come walk me to the bathroom. He flipped because I was making him wake up. He flipped out really bad. Started pushing me and such. I started crying. I got a panic attack. Couldn’t breathe and such, I was so hurt and shocked that such a simple question turned into something so big. He pinned me down on the ground started screaming. Told me to get the fuck out of the house. Dragged me out. Spit on me as I was walking out. On my birthday.. Happy Birthday to me right?
I’ve had about three panic attacks since then. Each time with him pinning me down or pushing me down screaming at me to stop. Spitting on me. One time he pushed me so hard I couldn’t see straight out of my left eye for the whole day. I ran out of the house. Called a battered womens shelter and they begged me to call the police. But I didn’t I was scared. I went home as if nothing had happened.
He used to ask me why are you with me? I’m such a bad person. I would always say because the good always out weighs the bad. It’s definitely not the case anymore. Or it just never was and I was too blinded to see it. I do partially think he’s jealous of me. Not to sound cocky but I am well off and in a University. I have a lot going for me and I’m not the ugliest person in the world. I’m so incredibly weak though. Never caught him cheating or anything of that sort. Oh and I should add his bipolar works off depression but he seems more angry then sad…
Why are bipolars so heartless? I feel as if he doesn’t love me he just wants me around because I’m the only person that stuck around. I’m trying to focus on myself. Knowing me I’ll end up going back to him when he asks. He quit meds when we started dating. He was on 300mg Seroquel and some common anti depressant I forgot.
People enter this forum like the walking wounded off of a battle field. To anyone who reads these post please forget how pretty or handsome a person may be. Forget they can be nice once in a while when the mood strikes or when they are in need. And promise yourself not to stay in a bad or hurtful relationship. Do it for yourself your friends and your family’s. Lifes too short to be wasted on people who really just do not care about us.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. The walking wounded that just lost a battle. Things have been hard. I’m thankful I came across this site though. It makes me feel better to know I’m not crazy and the only one who has gone through this stress.
Also look up is my girl bipolar? Or just a bitch? Lmfao. Dude the people here have all been through the bipolar bear nightmare and some still are going through it. Try to let most of there bull shit go in one ear and out the other. You found a safe haven here.
I walked into the mine field just to end it. Sometimes its the best thing to do. Screw them they suck! 🙂
You have to remember to, these folks have an illness, a mental illness. Not the subject anyone ones to talk about very often and its not meant to create ANY excuses. Now, having said that, they can try and get help, counseling, meds, etc. or not. It’s a CHOICE. Just like our choice to stay in a relationship with them. Many people including me take a long time to realize they are in a bad relationship. Friends see it clear as day, family see it clear as day, but we stay, cling, searching for answers, attention, feelings of worth from people who we should not be involved with. Hence, our stories.
I’m past my BP nightmares. Thank god. There is a better life out there. You have to find the time to heal, to learn, to grow, to be happy again. You gotta be ready to make that CHOICE and to follow it thru.
I know. I remind myself that all of the time.
“He’s sick, he’s sick, he’s sick. He’s not thinking clearly or rationally.” It’s hard. I’m trying to just keep to myself. Occupy myself with things. Trying to just not go crazy. When he texts me all he has to say is “F*ck you”,”Who are you f*cking?”,”I hate you”. He says all of this as if I’m the one who left. I’m so confused. Things were fine before. We got back together and for about a week things were perfect. We had plans for the weekend.
He then goes to work and accuses me of cheating telling me I haven’t changed? I’ve been patient, not once tried to pick a fight, took care of him when he needed it. Things were so good. He left me for no reason! I told him the difference between he and I is that I can admit I’m crazy sometimes and my wrongs. He still doesn’t understand that he left me.
Ugh, you’re all right though. I need to learn and grow. I’m still young. College, a life, and a career ahead of me.
Hopefully I’ll remind myself this and think about everyone’s stories when he comes back (that is if he does). I hate how I feel as if I need him in my life to be happy.
That’s exactly it. You DON’T need him in your life to be happy. You don’t need a world that is upside down. If I could gaurantee you a happier future would you take it? Hell yes! What’s the holdup? DOUBT. Beleive me, I understand, my crazy ride was longer than 20 years befoe I even knew what was going on. They’re going to make you so crazy and so sick, you’re going to be so beat down, you’re thinking this is the best I can do. They create the history with them which makes it harder each day to leave or break it off.
Take a week to start focusing on yourself. Cut off the communication, let yourself recharge, they know when they have you down. Let them deal whatever the world is throwing at them this week. I’m sure you’re ten times the person he has you feeling like now. You’re already doing some self relecting and that too can be its own little slap in the face. seek out some counseling if you are able to. They’re are plenty of support groups at MH facilities that understand its not just the patients going thru issues but family and friends as well.
I do go to counseling actually. Once a week, for the last 7 years of my life. Haha, I sound like such a problem child, but my depression has always been a bit unstable but I have it under control (pretty well) for the most part. Thankfully, I have a new therapist. She’s wonderful actually. She gives me advice, not like my old one who just sat there asking questions.
I’m kind of dying inside right now. It’s like one moment I’m okay, I have a positive outlook on things, and then the next I’m missing him, thinking of all the good times we’ve shared. I’m just so hurt as to how he’s capable of forgetting me and just leaving me with no valid reason. I do think it’s all because he’s not medicated and his bipolar is getting worse. “He’s sick, he’s sick, he’s sick”. I just need to keep reminding myself this. Thank you Mark for your words of encouragement and advice.
HI all, am still here, still reading all i can, still trying to make sense of everything, omg i never stop til i find everything, i particularly like richard skerrit, i still havent bought his books yet, keep meaning to but have read a lot of other stuff, its like 85 dollars for the 4 books so am saving lol cos its about 60 quid, but i will get them, like he says all disorders are blurred into one and its the defense mechanisms people use that identifies them, interesting, i’d love to speak to him as i have a few theories of my own. please read……………………………….. will write more when get the books – hope everyone ok, and ok with yet more Richard Skerrit – sorry hehehhehe
Living with a Sociopath? You’re not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths’ minds don’t work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.
So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.
One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.
You’re not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing (up top) deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness (on the right) explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.
They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can’t deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO’s (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don’t care.
What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don’t see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.
A sociopath doesn’t exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn’t just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.
Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.
Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don’t ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.
Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don’t perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.
Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we’re in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it’s understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.
Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.
After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner’s actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use – so painfully common among them – compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph.
About the Author Go to “Add to Cart”
Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance “from the inside out” have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.
hi ya ..its the aussie speaking
well I have moved on from the Bp ..finally , have met a few new men actually
nothing serious , but enough to show me that the Bp relationship I had with my Bp ex bf
has caused a lot of issues for me with trust mainly .
even though I have recovered and would not ever want to go back to that torture of being unloved and unwanted ..its not entirely easy to have new dates either …
everyone is damaged in some way … have met a lovely man who is in love with a Bp ex and he cant move on from her …we have discussed in detail how much hell he has been through , but he is still busting his gut to get her back …its a very strange insight looking now from the outside in ..at another person struggling to let go of their addiction to a Bp .
good luck raan and Lost and mark cheers michelle
bittersweet
Nothing good to comment here. She came back for two months, was very un-into me…caught her sending pussy pics again…used me, abused me. It was WONDERFUL taking care of my kids all Summer but once again…she took off with no notice. THIS time I have NO idea where she is other than in the city in North Carolina where she was before. I have been ignored by her whole Family and they are keeping my kids from me. I’m DONE with unmedicated in-denial Bipolar bears.
Court is my only option I have now. Working on getting my finances in order again as she She broke me (or I let her?) and want total custody of my kids now and hope I get them.
I miss my children terrible and have no way of getting a hold of them now..it’s been 30 days since she left this time.
I’m so glad to here you are doing a lot better. I’m the first one you aknowledged on BPfamily awhile back, and have ever since been appreciative! I’m still struggling, but I’m also on my way to recovery. My BPDw was a gift because it forced me to take a look at myself, and find that I had and maybe still have my own disorders. It has forced me to come to terms about myself. These disorders are devastating to say the least. I just want to be a good person, and the relationship I had made me act out in ways I never wanted to.
Again, I’m sincerely happy for you, and I hope you live out the rest ofr your life in complete happiness.
ROBERT ..you are a good person , never let them tell you any different ..Bp causes you to act out ..Bp ‘s have an uncanny knack of turning their problems into your problems .
I was fooled for 10 years , but like raan will discover the further away you get from it , the better you become ..more confident , better at being yourself : )
I know how hard it is to let go of them …you keep thinking about the lovely side of them that would have been had they not been sick …but a counterfeit heart is by no means a relationship you can trust with any measure. I am happy for me too , I can breathe , I am free from torment , and I like it .
eddywebb raan ..am sorry for you its going to take a while and much more of your devine patience to move on from her . she has left you a beautiful daughter that hopefully will give you the love she stole from you . There will be a women who will love you raan , she is out there waiting for you , just let her come into your world and with time you will know true love again ..
god bless everyone who has suffered the pain
always aussie bittersweet/babe
Thanks for the kind words Aussie. My cluster B wife is trying to hook me back in after I told her NO many times. I now have the strengnth to keep saying NO. This is all because of great people like yourself. I will always be greatful, and think of all of you until I die, then we may one day meet up there in the great sky. Like I said before it’s great that you and others broke the BP strangle hold, and I’ll keep praying for those that can’t break the hold.
Alls quiet, can only guess you are all doing ok – Bitter am so glad you are doing so well, its just proof that we can all move on – wishing also doing well i see, me, i am also fine at this moment in time, started going out and having fun again at long last!!!! lost and found i know your doing ok, and you survived the storm that we are getting the back lash from so god only knows what it was like over there!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeeezzzzz ——- stay in touch all xxxxxxx
Hello,
I just wanted to update. It’s been an on again off again summer. I’m thinking that it’s finally done with. I realized he just didn’t care about anyone but himself and a recent event proved this to me. I knew it before, but it finally. I don’t know, clicked I guess. It clicked in such a way where I’ve finally come to accept the fact that I spent two years of my life with someone so emotionally selfish and there’s nothing that I can do, and nothing I can say to make him care. I’m not numb or anything like that but I guess I’m in a “limbo” (as my therapist likes to call it) right now.
Seeing all my friends having fun and partying…it’s hard, I’m not much of a partier anymore (the (ex) bf hated it). I’m focusing on my studies at the moment. Which isn’t going so well because I should be studying right now haha. I hope everyone else is faring well!
They only care about themselves….totally and completely selfish they are.
If they act like they care, they WANT something.
—————————————————————————————————–
This is SO absolutely true it makes me SICK to my stomach. I know. I’ve been dealing with completely the same for quite some time. The funny thing is, they seem so sincere when trying to get something out of you and then the carpet gets yanked from under your feet. It is NOT worth it. I am an empty shell of a once loving caring confident man. It wears you out and drains you. Run.
Hello, I just wanted to let everyone know that it’s done with. I’m pretty good actually. I’m so young to be stressing over something like this. I’m doing great in school and I just got a great job!! Which really boosted my confidence level. Now I just need to put myself back in the party scene hahaha. I’m hoping I don’t go back to him. I’m scared he’s going to come back to me and want me back and I honestly don’t have the will to say no to him.. I hope everything with everyone else is good. Best wishes.
He probably will come back, they usually do, several times……just keep your minds focused on the new life you are starting, your strength will grow everyday as you progress, it will be worth it!! 🙂
Good to see you wishing – totally agree they do come back time after time but stay focused like wishing said, look after yourself and all will be well xx
My story…met an amazing girl 3 years ago. Soon into our relationship she told me she was BP – I thought that was on the scale of a bad cold! Until her first psychotic breaks in front of me – wow…trouble was she wasn’t on the right meds or seeing a psych.
So she split up with me out of the blue….then she came back! I got her in to see a good psych, doctor and onto the right meds….everything was going good for a year then she split up with me again! Jesus! No contact – nothing. A couple of months later she was back again – mainly because I stayed in touch with her. But of course during our split she started having sex with someone else straight away – thanks very much.
We got back together – me helping her along that rollercoaster and me now on depressive meds myself! During out splits I took it hard – couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat – my work suffered – my family worried and wondered what spell this girl had over me!
Why couldn’t I leave her?? Where was my strength?? And now…she’s left me again…no contact for 2 weeks – NOTHING. She wont answer my calls. And wouldn’t you know it – just at the time when an old ‘friend’ of hers is in town – yes – a male friend. And this is her ON MEDS and seeing a psych weekly!!
Please someone give me the strength to NOT CONTACT HER AND LET HER GO FOR GOOD THIS TIME xxx
Matt, read my story…all of the stories on here…THIS IS WHAT THEY DO!!!! My last Ex took off months ago with my kids this last time. It’s been months and I STILL have not heard one word. Give up man. It’s not worth it. Find someone else or it’s a lifetime of HELL.
Yes, still reading but have left it all behind, best thing I ever did……Matt let her go, you cant help, I tried that it will never work!!
Raan, find the kids if you can, make sure they are safe but never return to her…..let go and find someone who deserves your love!!
Talked to a diagnostician of mental illness the other day. He claims that BP’s DO know what they are doing when they misbehave/go manic after they come down and have regrets about what they did. This might be why they sometimes do no return after leaving. TOO much regret about their piss-poor behavior and are too riddled with guilt.
I still have not heard a peep from my Ex….sorry bee-otch, kidnapping my kids and keeping them from me. Sickens me.
STILL not a peep from the BP unmedicated sick woman. Tried everything. I think she intends to keep me from my children as long as she can. I AM going to win this somehow. Lots in the works legally as far as building my case goes. Could REALLY use some money for a lawyer. Pro se I guess will have to do I guess. How is everyone I used to talk with on here lately? HAPPY HOLIDAYS and run if in a relationship with a sick BP that lives in denial and refuses to take their meds.
Like everyone else here, your stories are my stories. I have a boyfriend who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and we have been together a year.
As all of you, our relationship started out wonderfully. He was very attentive, loving, thoughtful. He did things around my house (laundry, cleaning, etc.) saying how I worked all day and he wanted to make coming home pleasant. He had a key and could let himself in. He paid attention all that I said about my favorite things and he would surprise me with those things as gifts. Showered me with affection, “I Love you’s”, hugs, kisses, and the sex was OFF THE CHARTS! I noticed on occasion that he had some anger issues. I was truly surprised at the things he got twisted up about. But I overlooked them. I have the capacity to understand that many things are not about me, and taking them as a personal affront only shows me that I am operating from my own inner insecurities. After awhile, though, his episodes were escalating. One time, I asked him to hang a clock for me. He was on his laptop and said he would to just give him a few minutes to finish up. An hour and a half later, I very sweetly asked if he was still gonna do that for me. OMG! You would have thought I asked him to build me a new house! He slammed his laptop shut, stood up aggressively and shouted, “My f*king GOD! You always want everything right now! Never mind I’M doing something, I should just drop everything I’m doing to please you!” Wow. I proceeded to say it was alright that he could do it another time but ignored me and started to do it. I think I said it 3 times. Then I followed it up with, “ok then. I will shut up. You’re going to do whatever you want anyhow.” That was the first time that he physically attacked me. I ended things right then and got him out of my home. Long story short, I took him back after his (seemingly) heartfelt apology and his tears on the phone. Why? He hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I knew the symptoms/criteria of bi-polar and knew he had had an episode. I understand that it is an “illness”; not just bad behavior.
Anyhow, this kept escalating with moments in between his episodes that were wonderful, beautiful. I love him so, so much. I have never doubted that he loves me as well. I finally convinced him to see a therapist and to ask to be referred to a psych doctor for an evaluation. It was over month before he finally did – I had to do the research for him; make it easier for him. I threatened to end things if he didn’t get some help. he did. They put him on Abilify and Celexa. I never questioned him about his official diagnosis, but I knew he was being treated for psychotic features. (I used to work as a counselor). Before he started his meds, our sex life had already become almost non-existent. I can’t fully explain how “odd” this was. You would have to know him, I suppose. The meds made it worse. He finally gets off the Celexa – all he did was sleep and it was affecting his job, etc. Eventually, I knew his lack of “desire” wasn’t about the meds anymore – he had no problems masturbating and watch porn four HOURS. Obviously, this was a topic he was unwilling to discuss – couldn’t discuss – without flipping out and making it appear as though I was being unreasonable, that I was making him feel bad .. blah, blah, blah.
I had hacked into his emails account(s) awhile back and discovered that he was being unfaithful – not just with women, but also men. Let me say here that I am not judgmental of most things – his sexual preferences didn’t bother me except he was doing this behind my back, and at no time did I know of this “secret” life he had. I had tangible PROOF of his activities and he denied it all saying that he was just flirting on line. Huh? What? The emails were EXPLICIT about his actions! Of course, it never got addressed because his focus was on how he couldn’t trust ME after hacking into his email. I’m not minimizing my part by any means. I know what an invasion of privacy it was and that there are laws against it for that matter. My intuition is keener than most (gift/curse) and I did what I felt I had to do to find out if it was real, or if I was imagining things. . Afterall, by this time, I did feel crazy due to the constant drama.
I knew that this was a very toxic/sick relationship and that I needed to get out and take care of ME. I have always done so without hesitation. Anyone who knows me would tell you that there would be no way in hell that I would stick around and tolerate any of this! I’ve always been a strong, assertive woman and didn’t feel as though I “needed” to be in a relationship. However, my own co-dependency issues had reared their ugly heads, and before I knew it, I was finding myself care-taking.
We had about 5 weeks of awesomeness here recently. I found out that he was answering Craig’s List ads that women posted looking for relationships (he actually responded to one of my friends and included his picture),. I confronted him. Once again, he has done nothing wrong but instead, I am now having my friends spy on him. His episodes have returned full-force.
So, there’s some history. I feel depleted emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and any other word ending in “ly”. I cannot get him to stop yelling, screaming, swearing at me, and calling me FILTHY names (psycho b*itch, c*nt, worthless POS, you get the idea) basically spewing a deadly poisonous venom all over me! Ladies and gentlemen, I am in complete dismay of how someone who can treat another human being that way and feel NO REMORSE! He can’t take responsibility for his actions. How can he tell me “I don’t want to live without you” in the morning and 3 hours later tell me I’m the worst thing that has ever happened to him? I I have tried to not “react” and wait til the storm was over to try to discuss things .. only to have him twist off again. Like I read in another post, his says my timing is always bad .. there is NEVER a good time. He takes everything personally. He guilt trips me (or tries to) and tells me that I make him feel badly; shamed. He plays games by not looking at me and basically ignores me when I try to talk with him. He withholds affection. His yelling is so off the charts at times I am amazed that he hasn’t popped a blood vessel in his neck or temple! His answer to everything is to leave – storm out yelling mean and ugly things for all the world to hear, and say we are over. Only, on his way home, he calls my phone over and over again and leaves sh*tty messages on my vm. I’ve saved some. I’ve even tried to get him to listen to them but he ends up spewing more ugliness and leaves. Had an episode like that this morning about me asking if he wanted breakfast and when he asked if I was going to eat (I said I wasn’t hungry) he freaks out! As usual, I’m trying desperately to talk him off the ledge. Trying to help him see the logic and not to get so angry because I didn’t want to eat .. “Quit telling me how I should or should not feel!” “It’s ALWAYS about YOUR feelings! Mine are never addressed!” We all know that we do nothing else but address their feelings.
I know I have rambled on here. I am using this as an opportunity for me to do my own processing so that I can let go of the anger and resentment that I am carrying around today.
Why do I stay? I love him with every fiber of my being. I have no doubt that we have a soul connection. He is worth fighting for. WE are worth fighting for. I believe in him. I know who he is at the core. When he isn’t cycling, I couldn’t ask for a better mate. I KNOW what’s going on with him. My heart aches for him knowing how incredibly tormented he must be in his mind and not be able to make sense of things. I don’t want to give up before the miracle.
Being in a relationship with a bi-polar is heartbreaking at times, taxing, toxic, exhausting, humiliating, even dangerous. You are their babysitter/mother/father. It’s not for the faint of heart, to be sure.
So, I know that we have all had these experiences, but I have a questions that I need answered.
HOW DO WE COPE WITHOUT LOSING OURSELVES?
HOW DO WE SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND HONOR THEM?
THE INFIDELITY IS THE HARDEST FOR ME .. AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THIS AND JUST DEAL WITH IT?
I am rooted in the belief that we are either in the solution, or we are part of the problem. I need solutions, suggestions.
I am so very appreciative for all of you who have shared your experiences – I’m grateful that I was able to, as well. Most importantly, I sincerely appreciate the stories posted by those of you having to suffer this hideous illness. What do we do?
@LeeAnn: Let go if you can find the strength in you. Don’t force yourself to though. Read my post above, my story is similar to yours and having been back in touch with my ex confirms my suspicions that his issues have only grown in the 6 mths I cut contact with him. I came back cuz we are soul mates and i’ll treat him like a friend but no more. It doesn’t get any better and soon you’ll only feel more isolated. I found some lovely well-wishers on this website who understood my problems in letting go and i let go by finding the right time for me…the straw that broke my back. you’ll find it for u….but no good can come from this. they say it, and its true. i have all the strength in the world now, and having stepped back like many others here, i feel like i can breathe. sure i have moments when i reflect back and feel lonely but i’d never compromise on what i want in life. we all deserve goodness, no one is anyone’s saviour. it’s a hard life and if u don’t look out for yourself above anyone else, no one will. the balance tips to shit when one is bp and the other is a good soul who just wants things to be right. never have i wanted anything more than i wanted for us to work but we didnt. it was what it was and having lost the one thing i wanted really badly, i feel a lot stronger and ready to face life on. to wait for the right person, to wait for my life to become as it once was which it very gradually is becoming. till then, i’m standing as still as i can so that i dont lose myself before i find myself. id suggest the same for u…..find your time and take a step back for good. all the best.
I could not agree more. LET GO…move it. It is NOT worth the heartache. Find someone that is not mentally ill. This is a serious mental illness with NO cure. Good luck.
HOW DO WE COPE WITHOUT LOSING OURSELVES?
HOW DO WE SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND HONOR THEM?
THE INFIDELITY IS THE HARDEST FOR ME .. AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THIS
Lee Ann……you will lose yourself!
There are no boundaries followed, you can lay them down but they wont be followed!
And the infidelity….. Yes, you will be expected to expect this, I couldnt so I left!
So do you go or do you stay……you will stay for a while but you will eventually go…..
Hello,
To avoid a very long first post, I’ll just say that my lovely ex fiance went manic in April and left me. I was then left unemployed, and I no longer have my 401k from my previous job ( she convinced me to give her 1,900 of it for the car maintenance since it was how I got to work and I had to spend 4 months living on the rest of it). Almost immediately after she broke up with me, she was hypersexual and hooking up with various men, yet still texting me and thinking we broke up 2 years ago. We didn’t spend much time out of contact from April til August, even if a lot of that contact was negative. Since early August (going on 3 months on the 11th of this month) I have gotten maybe 3 sentences from her. I try almost every day to talk to her, but I get no response at all. No phone calls returned, no emails returned, no texts, no facebook messages. She’s not being negative,but acting as if she’s erased me from her mind. She is still manic as far as I know. A seven month mania seems like it would be abnormally severe,but I have no way of getting her to get help. I try to move on and forget her,but my mind isn’t letting me do that, especially since I know that she’s definitely sick.
In the meantime, I still haven’t been able to find work- 20 rejections last month alone .The only money I get is from donating plasma, yet she was able to find a great job with great pay a few months ago and is living a “good life” as if leaving me was like removing a tumor. This is from the woman that I supported with only my income for at least 4 years becaus she couldn’t hold a job and was in debt with banks. My bills are already overdue and I can’t pay them. I tried the best I could,and I still can’t get her out of my mind because I remember who she was when she wasn’t manic- 6 wonderful years. I spend most of my days and nights awake because I can’t stop worrying . I can’t even afford to go to my therapist anymore (who’s free of charge) because I can’t afford the bus ticket since every penny I have is for my overdue bills . Even losing my bank account. Still, not even a single shred or ounce of sympathy from her. Nothing at all,unless it’s cold and robotic as if we were business associates. Can this really be the girl whom ,last Christmas told me that i’m the best boyfriend a girl could ever have, and that I can be counted on for comfort when things get too much?
Well, I tried not making it long, thank you for reading.
Hi
There’s a lot of information here and I have found it fascinating to read some of the posts on this board. A little of my story…
I’ve been working overseas for the past 18 months and about a year ago met a wonderful woman. We connected, became close very quickly and fell in love. My partner has talked of depressive episodes in the past and I am starting to wonder if she may be a bipolar sufferer given some of what i have read here and witnessed over the past weeks. I am also conscious that I may be looking for answers, rather than purely accepting that our relationship is over, as we have recently broken up.This has been mainly of her doing, although I had also reached a point where I was being sucked in by all her irrational and erratic behaviour and its been taking its toll on my emotional stability too
She has a pretty full on job, and when its busy, she throws herself into it like theres no tomorrow, sitting in the office alone, long after everyone else has gone home. She also often stays up very late, either going out partying or just hanging out in her apartment rearranging teh furniture all night. When she’s like this she is full of vitality, energy and can be teh life and the soul….she can also come across as manic and hyperactive and I have often remarked that it appears from the outside like she is out of control, or at least very chaotic.
Our relationship has been quite volatile, and she has a temper and very often things appear to her to be all my fault and I’m often left angry and lose my temper through a sense of injustice, which is just like pouring petrol on the fire. At teh weekends she often just crashes and ends up either in bed or on the couch in her PJs in front of teh TV for the whole weekend, eating sweets and cakes etc. In the last couple of months she’s been very irrational and been working and travelling with her job lots….she sometimes goes away for a day and ends up being gone for 3, without really explaining to me whats going on, where she is or contacting me whilst out of town. Its left me paranoid that shes seeing someone else but when I confront her in person, she denies that vigorously. But I’ve been left feeling taken for granted and my tust in her has diminished significantly.But for me its been a total rollercoaster, not knowing if I’ll hear from her or not from one day or the next and if I do, will she start talking about marriage and family or dismissing me as if I don’t exist. It really has been as black and white as that, marriage and kids one day, then being totally ignored, sometimes for days, the next.
I had to go back to my country a week or so ago (a 12 hour flight away) and spoke to her before I left after another of her disappearing acts which was accompanied by the exchange of a number of “its over” text messages from us both. Everything appeared to have caught up with her and she had become very sick and was speaking to me as if everything was fine between us when I was at the airport – I heard all the I love yous, I miss you, I’ll wait for you etc.. After I’d left, a couple of days later, she sent me a message suggesting she come and visit for the weekend! I told her I thought it was a bad idea as a) she’d just been really sick and needed to rest and b) I would be working and have little time for her. Then after that, which at the time I thought was totally irrationaof herl, she proceeded to completely ignore my attempts to contact her for more than a week. Then just as I was about to return, I received a message to say she was severely depressed, couldn’t date anyone, had to heal her emotional sickness and asked me not to contact her anymore…..
Having read some of the posts above, it left me wondering if I am just searching for hope and answers instead of just accepting the end of my relationship, or whether in fact she may be suffering from bipolar, and that might explain all the bizarre erratic and irrational behaviour of recent weeks. I have certainly not seen her like this in teh past year, so maybe the depression story was her way of emphatically killing off the relationship once and for all to enable her to move onto a new relationship, and I should just accept it, or whether if it is a severe depressive episode and I should wait a bit longer to see if she makes contact gain in the coming days or weeks
Obviously no one on here will no whats really going on. However having read some of the above posts, I just wondered if this sounded liek a familiar pattern to those familiar with bipolar and I should hang on in there and be ready to offer love and support if and when it is requested. I’d be happy to do that, but at the same time I don’t want to delude myself about the state of our relationship and find myself unnecessarily trapped with a sense of false hope and expectation
Any constructive thoughts or observations, gratefully received
Thought I’d just provide an update to my earlier post a week or so ago….
So I returned to where I live and my “ex-girlfriend” texts me to say she is terribly depressed and needs time away from dating to heal herself and doesn’t want to hear from me….
So I intended to respect her wishes and we only made contact in order to sort out some logistics….return each others posessions etc, me cancel flights for the Xmas holidays I was supposed to spend away with her and her family
Her responses started to become increasingly bizarre, as if she had reinvented herself. Whilst she told me what a wonderful person I was, she started telling me how, a week after being practically suicidal, she was another person, had stopped drinking, smoking and had found God, who was now leading her to the light – she had never shown any religious or spiritual inclinations before.
Then on Wednesday night I was on Facebook and was informed that “XXXX was in a relationship with YYYY”! I rather regret my furious reaction but I think it was also understandable given how she had invoked such a compassionate reaction in me, whilst she was really betraying me all along. I let rip with my anger in a series of text messages and her responses were narcisstic and in my eyes she seemed to have this distorted perception of our relationship as if it was some sort of “Sid and Nancy” coupling, which I really don’t recognise. She said she was sick of a life of lies and games and just wanted a simple honest life – exactly like me! She asked me to leave her alone and let her be happy….
It seems like she has reinvented herself. Started to hang out with completely new people, with new interests that don’t quite seem to tie in with the person I thought she was. She also continues to play the victim, saying how she got to the point recently where she was nearly suicidal…although now seems to have been rescued by God (and her new partner no doubt!). She had the audacity to even ask where I had been when she was having a difficult time…quite a hard one to stomach when I was usually trying to figure out the same about her after one of her disappearing acts!
I returned all her stuff at teh beginning of last week and she still hasn’t even returned mine….despite giving an assurance she would do so on Thursday. I also communicated with her mother, who told me she was definitely NOT dating someone else – so someone somewhere is lying and I suspect its my ex.
This has been pretty traumatic. I have got overly drawn into the chaos and dysfunction, and whilst she appears to have run into the arms of someone else, its me left running to a shrink and getting medication for the stress and anxiety!! But in the moments of clarity, I realise I have probably had a lucky escape and the advice on here to RUN was probably spot on. I have to look after myself first and foremost and not take this personally. I conclude that I have been dealing with somebody who is sick – whether that is psychologically sick, or just nasty sick I do not know
As I read and learn about bi-polar my experience sounds similar to that of others in similar situations. If she is ill, I feel sorry and compassion and wish her well. However I am telling myself to put myself first and will not be there if she makes contact again in the future. I don’t deserve or have the capacity to put up with this kind of behaviour. I left a gift and a letter with her peosessions, prior to learning of her new BF – she said that she hadn’t even read it and would return it unread – if that is not a sign of someone trying to run away from themselves, then I don’t know what is.
For those bi-polar sufferers out there, forgive my anger. I have huge compassion for those who are mentally ill or unbalanced. But I also have a life to lead and a sense of self I need to protect. I have been on the end of some nasty break ups in the past but nothing so manipulative and horrible as this….
I have been trying to get rid of this Bp man since the day after he entered my life. My situation is unfortunate because I met him literally days after calling off a one year and 8 month engagment with already set in stone plans for a wedding, deposits down and so on. Needless to say I was not looking for anything serious, but then this handsome Bp man walks into my life and a one night stand turned into a 2-year on and off situation. Mostly because the sex between us was mind-blowing and i knew i didnt want anything serious. Especially not with this man. I didn’t care about his coming and going because he drove me absolutely crazy. I knew he was unstable by the stories he would ome up with and would try to make me beleive. Im talking about situations that never even happened!! Somehow the great sex and all of his convincing that he loved me (when he was having a good day) allowed me to let him back into my life time and again.Too get to the point after finally deciding to force this Bp, emotionally abusive person out of my life… I found out I was pregnant. I told him it was best he stay out of my life for the simple reason I knew I could not keep my sanity when he was around and knew my child deserved better. Yet still he was persistent about staying around for 8 months of my pregnancy while I repeatedly told him there was no way we could raise a child together. Finally after all of his convincing and empty promises he made about wanting to be involved in our sons life… he dissapeared without a trace. Lost his job and cut the few ties he had with some of our mutual friends. And all of this four weeks before my due date. I am glad he is gone and has somehow managed to drop off the face of the earth, but now I’m stuck holding the bag wondering what to do if and when he contacts me again and wants to meet his son. The way he operates I’m sure there is at least a 60-80% chance this might happen. Help!!!! Any opinions on what would be best for my child? To meet his Bp father who might not ever bring any full meaning to his life due to his sickness. Or to ignore him and save myself and my child from his awful demented sick mind. I am convinced this guy cares about nobody but himself. What to do?
I am a bipolar woman. I have been dealing with this my whole life. I have been sexually assulted, and also my father was bipolar. I have pushed most of my friends away and am slowly pushing my husband away. I have been on meds in the past but they just make me very flatline, no ups or downs. I was not likeing that. I also have no sexual desire on the meds. I have tried things that dr. Daniel amen has said and it doesnt seem those are helping me either. I do not have insurance and was seeing a life coach. She did help me but i cannot afford to see her. I am an at home mom who makes my husbands schedule from home, and now both ofq my kids are in school all day. I am sick of being this way.
The only person who understood me in my life was my father and he passed away 6 years ago. I feel so lost. Everytime i try to talk to my husband about things he is too busy with his stupid iphone and doesnt pay a lick of attention to me. My best friend lives 2 1/2 hrs away and i dont get to see her as often as i would like. I hate calling her just to be sad on the other end i dont want to bring her down. I wish i could crawl in a hole and die, and know that my kids would be ok without me. I really think they would be better off without me. My husband is a great man, i know he could find a nice and loving woman who didnt treat him the way i do. I dont know what to do. The only thing that stops me from taking my own life is i would never do that to my children. I dont want them growning up telling people my mom was so selfish she took her own life. I wonder every day why god put me here. The only thing i can think of is to be a mom. I love my little girls and my husband, but i dont feel i am good for any of them. My oldest daughter is also going to be bipolar, and it breaks my heart she is going to feel these ways too. I am so sad, my husband sent me a link to read something about why bipolar peole push away their loved ones. The only thing that has done is make me even more sad. I hate to cry! But thats all i can feel i can do right now. I am sick of this. Please help!
I don’t know if anyone comes here anymore, but i hope someone does.
I’ve known my boyfriend for 2yrs, but we only really got together the beginning of this year…we are also long distance.I’ve known from the start he was bipolar. Even before we started dating, he would confide me, come to me when he was depressed, tell me about his day, or just vent to me when something went wrong. He would have his highs and lows, but always got through it.
It has been fairly good for the most part..up until 3 weeks ago. Prior, he had seemed happy, we were talking all the time. He’d call me every day and we’d talk all day. He told me that he really means it when he says he loves me, and we were making plans to visit each other…checking plane fares etc. Then the next day everything seemed to change, he got a bit distant. He still messaged me and we talked, but it was a somewhat “detached” conversation. I let him be the next day, didn’t message him because I thought perhaps he may need a bit of space.
As the weeks went on, we still talked but the conversations were getting shorter. He called me less, and he started ignoring me when I tried talking to him..about anything. Sometimes I’d be greeted with silence, or I’d get a reply hours later. This went on for awhile, then just this past week he had started calling more. We didn’t really talk about anything significant, but I was hopeful that he was doing better and things would be back as they used to be.
I told him a few times that I was worried about him, that I loved him and I’m always here for him. He pretty much shrugged that off and said “Ok. So anyway what’s up?”. When he has called me, he sounds fine, there doesn’t “appear” to be any signs that he’s depressed. But he has completely shut me out now. He won’t talk to me about what he’s been up to, or how his day was… he won’t open up about anything. He used to tell me everything, no matter what it was about. I don’t get nay messages from him, whereas he used to call/message first all the time. Or I would start talking to him and he’d call right away, or tell me about what’s going on with him.
All communication has stopped now. I don’t understand what’s happening. He went from telling me how much he love me and how important I am to him, to wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like it’s my fault for not trying to talk to him more. I’m afraid to talk to him, he’s always been hard to talk to. I don’t know if he just wants space, so I try not to bother him, but then I try to talk to him and either I get no reply, or all I get is some smiley “o/”.
He is quite jaded towards society and the idea of relationships as a whole. He thinks that if people are nice to him , they just want something from him. He’s never believed in the concept of “love”, probably because his last relationship was such a s***storm (although he and his ex are now friends,which in itself bothers me ><). Yet, he has stayed with me. He has always told me how much I've done for him, and he loves me because I've always been there for him no matter what.
Our relationship hasn't all been roses though. As I said he had his highs and lows, He's always critical of me, he gets angry for no reason it seems sometimes. If I'm feeling down or whatnot and I try to talk to him, he'll call me emo or some such thing, even though he has told me that I can come to him..but apparently I can't.
I do him love very much, and I don't want to lose him. I feel I have already lost him and I'm to blame for him completely pushing me out of his life now. During these past 3 weeks, I have been so confused. I don't know if he wants me to just leave him alone so I don't always try to contact him, but then I think that maybe he thinks I don't care anymore because of that, so he's just going to let our relationship die.
I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't know if he's just in a depressed phase or if this his cruel way of breaking up with me. Every day I want to tell him how much I love him, and that I'm not going anywhere etc., but it seems he doesn't even care anymore whether I stay or not. He's completely shut me out, I seem to irritate him more than anything. I feel like I'm the enemy now. I don't understand what I did to cause things to go from him saying how much he really loves me, to being someone that he really doesn't feel the need to talk to and easily ignored.
I need to know what to do, what to say to him…how to fix this.. The silence is deafening and I'm crying all the time. I feel it's my fault it's gotten this bad and I've failed him. I've always been there for him..and I STILL am, but maybe he thinks I'm not anymore. I try to be but I just get a door slammed in my face.
I don't want to lose him, I know somewhere inside he still cares for me….somewhere. I need help 😦
Michelle999's Blog 
Comments on: "Do bipolar people have feelings Pt 2" (661)
Thnx, guess I didn’t look that hard, was thinking this was your personal blog.
Yea folks, remember too, many people have a mixture of other issues as well, you add some ADHD and they are “bored” 24/7 and need an entertaiment director or OCD and they are texting you 24/7 or alittle ODD and they are telling via text they are bored and wont listen to a word you say.
3 wks til Xmas, ok, depression setting in. Cold and miserable. Everybody getting on my nerves. Music? Ah, I wont even comment.Where’s that hole I can bury my eha for 30 days?
I made this one when you said that name lol mark hehe. omg yeah nearly xmas no money a gambling problem and yeah cold and miserable – i dont even wanna do xmas this year, i have got no motivation at all. grrrrrrrrrrr xxxxx
we have definately got our own issues or we wouldnt be with them in the first place, didnt you say something like that?? every one i have ever been with has either been an alcoholic a drug addict a bipolar or got ocd. hmmmmmmmmmm xxxxx
Josie
firstly let me say that you are a wonderful women with a beautiful heart that has been shattered ..your story with your BP is very similar to mine .,…I hadnt seen my BP for 1year , very little contact etc just basically ignored me …i di have contact with him one months ago ,we had coffee & went for a walk ..but he was very distant & it felt as tough he coulnt wait to get rid of me …shortly after our meeting I sent him a text and he never responded …i could feel the hate vibes coming through the phone …so no contact now for another month.. I do agree with you so much about the side that hates up & the side that loves us …the problem is they get it confused & when the nice person comes back…it can take up months , years for the to return …also I have witnessed my ex bp being cold & cruel to me but most endearing to other women he meets & even strangers get a better deal than me
Like you i have not heard from him for 6 months either so i made contact but am still back at square 1 ..I definatley agree with tho on the different aspects of their nature and their warped perceptions of what u have done to them drives them away …until they themselves realise that they are the problem not us then silence & ignoring you is part of the silly little game they play ..and i do think they ignore you as a form of control as well .they know u love them so they punish u for it
u think u know them thats when they pull the rug out from under u ..so hurtful
regards Bittersweet
michelle ..thankyou for opening this site
Most of us are dysfunctional to a degree I know I am …probably have some personality issues ..etc but I couldnt do to my ex BP what he has done to me
my heart has been ripped out and stomped on all because i cared enough not to play some stupid mind game
he resents the fact that i dont hold grudges, he tries to make me jealous ….by running off with other women but all it does is hurt him …am sure it hurts him more to try to hurt me than what it hurts me ..if that makes sense ..
after 12 years of standing by him , being cheated on , lied to , yelled at , torn apart …I am starting to date again
and Bipolar is hopefully for me will be in the distant past
regards Bittersweet
your welcome, lets hope everyone finds us.
I hadnt seen my bp since last january or so and he is now back in touch unfortunately. he thinks he can breeze in and out of my life and things will be the same – well they wont, i dont want him in my life at all after everything he did to me. I also had the same treatment bitter, he wouldnt be talking to me, ignoring me etc, then he would bump into someone in the street and be all nice or his ex wife would come for their son and his mood would change, what a great actor he was. unbelievable!!! i think also they have commitment issues, i have just finished reading he’s scared, she’s scared bu steven carter and julia sokol, the end of the book was the best, very good, and well worth a read. all very strange, lifes never easy is it xxxxxxxxxx
My husband is bipolar and skitso a fective he threatens to leave all the time blaming me for being sick and his relationship with the Lord I don’t know how to deal with it even after 8 years of being married with 3 kids like yesterday we had a great time together as a family now today he says he is done with the relationship and canceling Christmas I can’t hurt my kids like that he only takes klonipin for the panic attacks but refuses to take a mood stabilizer what do I do
wow remember how we were all messed up in 2010 – hope we are all a little better – thinkng of you all M xx
Michelle
am so glad you have commenced this site
the other site was appaulingly slow .
yes / my Bp left for 5 years after causing so much heartache …then begged me to take him back …he came back lasted 3 months then abandoned me when I got really ill …have had 8 operations & he was no where to be seen
he is ignoring me still claiming I didnt give him enough attention !! well hello I was in & out of hospital having life saving operations for over 1 year but in bipolar time a year can be a week or two ..
the ignoring thing is a way of control ..if they know u want to see them they ignore u forever ..well am not playing any more dumb childish games ….
it xmas again & like mark said they get so disturbingly depressed …he doesnt do xmas or new years …I have joined a dating site now so moving onward & upward as they say …and there are nice men out there without all the games ..
kind regards Bittersweet
yes they are very cruel – mine used to gaslight and if you ever seen the film gaslighting with ingrid bergman you will know what i mean. he slowly drove me crazy and i doubted my own sanity, he did things and siad things to make me this way as i know now but not back then, even to the point i wondered if i had said the things he said i had. unbeleivable really!! i’ll never doubt myself again though so thats a lesson learnt!! hope the dating goes well, my online dating experience wasnt good but hey what did i expect from a site called loopy love, hahha where i met the bp lol xxxxx
Oh Michelle…..lol xx
Thats a dreadful site, I tried it once never met anyone but some of the mails were bad enough!
Dont let it put you off I have done it for years, its good…
Just met someone new this weekend…wow he is gorgeous….not holding my breath….not with my luck!!
He just sent me a text saying your the brains and the beauty, I am the brawn……suits me!! Simple life, thats what I want……lol
I did what you just said, questioned myself, had to keep going back wondering what on earth I had said or done thought I had lost the plot at one stage…..now I understand more….but I cant do it anymore it hurts too much and I am lonely, he is never here!!
yes indeed wishing it was a dreadful site, i went on for a laugh at first as a bit of a joke and what to come was nothing of a joke hehe xxxxxx
ooh i’m pleased you have met someone, thats fab!! now take it real SLOW xxxxx
things are going okay so far…talking about getting back together for good…MARRIAGE???
hmmm.
I’m doing well. caring, but detached….
She is answering all of my questions…
great sex….
not spending much….
will update
oh…promises me that crusty is history soon…yeah right…we will see, but promises
got one good hickey in so far btw
Rusty, Lusty, Crusty needs to be history now……not soon??
Shes in “your” bed…..she needs to be on “your” phone too….to him…telling him hes history NOW!!
i agree – crispy needs to be right out of the picture NOW, because if you let her in your bed now, and he is still on the scene, she is basically walking all over you, and you are more or less telling her its ok to have someone else while with you. xxx
Yes Raan….when I found out about “the other woman” last year he had to plead for weeks before I agreed to see him!
She will go back to him when she leaves your place because she knows she can walk back to you any time she wants!!
oh eddywebb
u are doing well …stay detached tho that way u cant get hurt …see she said no sex then did the opposite …they always do the opposite to what they mean or want …
Michelle
am with you on this polarity stuff …I do really believe because BP is so insecure about everything in the head they try to break you as well …its a form of excitement they believe is ok to treat another human being like this because they hurt inside…I am not saying they are all sadistic because have read some pretty awful blogs written by female BP’s who really suffer . My ex BP I think used to enjoy hurting me with silence and other women they were his specialties ….both a form of control & the look in his eyes was power crazed when he was caught out ..i think they then convince themselves they are superman when the grandiose kicks in ..then everyone else is stupid , they are smarter & they must begin by proving it . the warped perceptions of the so called wrongs i did ..had no depth , silly things really that he had assumed ….pure paranoia…followed my mixed feelings of rage and no trust …not to mention I was blamed for everything ..losing his job, scratching his car, screwing other women, u name it ..the funny thing is I dont really miss that awful guilt i dragged around all the time , the constant feeling of being hated , it really affected my self esteem …and like I said to wishing
not once a single nice comment about how good I looked my clothes , hair anything ..it was always me boosting him up telling him how great he was , how good he looked, how smart he was , only to be trashed …I think they get this warped feeling that u r absolutely desperate to have them in your life so u will put up with being trashed …then when they realise gee havent heard from her for a while she must be really pissed they drop a cryptic verse or line via text , that is so curved ball it makes no sense …as if u r right there with them and they are contributing to the conversation…where as really u havent seen them for months or spoken to tham at all
very odd that one
regards Bittersweet
Now I am really confused….my Bpx was always paying me compliments, he always said I looked nice, was always over the top if anything, always said he never thought he would meet anyone like me, always commented on outfits/clothes/hair/shoes ect…
…I was the one who never paid him complements he always asked me “do I look ok?” ” do you like this shirt?”
He was always down on himself but always boosted me up…
Also he never blamed me for anything, always said it was all his fault/problem…..”non of this is your fault” he would always tell me…….confusing…..
I can so understand how you have been so hurt and your self esteem shattered but that wasnt my case…..but then that makes it hard too because he was so nice!!
Oh wishing
thats so sad …one of the big reasons for me not feeling bad about moving on is because of the horrible things that happened. Had my xbp had been truly nice to me then i would have found it harder to walk away …but what am I saying he is the one ignoring me anyway ..he has moved onto who ever!
but yes he sure did blame me for everything still does even in recent text to me , after i text him first his response was pleasant enough with an underlying sacasism …I could see the underlying issues he still had towards me …the guy absolutely hates me , confirmed by his ability to totally withdraw from me and be so nice to everyone else !! now thats confusing
regards Bittersweet
AN EXTRACT FROM A BIPOLAR PARTNER FROM ANOTHER SITE ………
I have been engaged to bp for 9 years. He is BP1 on Depakote for 21 years and recently put on Saphris. You will find they are controlling and delusional and cannot accept blame for any of their problems. They live in the past blaming others for how they turned out. They have few people in their lives and can’t understand why. They lie, oh boy do they lie without limits, do crazy things, are financially unpredictible,they usually have some crazy sex addiction. You will never be emotionally supported, but will be belittled and judged for everything you are doing that doesn’t follow their opinion of how things should be. You can not reason or speak logically to them to get them to understand what they are doing. Their brain processes reality on a different plane than ours does. Most have addictions in attempt to self medicate to not feel bad about themselves. They are consumed by some type of extreme sport or hobby and will bankrupt anyone they can to support their facination. When they are manic they will disappear and you may never know what they are doing. They will suddenly separate from you because you bother them in some way, so many wind up living separated. You will always be the source of all the problems because think they are perfect. They have an lie by taking bits and pieces of truth and twisting them into something that will confuse and overwhelm you. You will never have a successful relationhip with a bipolar person unless they accept their disease and work on it. I mean really work on it not just pretend to so you will stay. If you start this relationship because you want a relationship so badly or feel as though you can’t find anything better, you are going to be destroyed. Please seek help. If you are older, financially and emotionally independent then you may be able to have a relationship provided you never need to rely on anything from the loved one with BP. Never be afraid to leave a BP argument, if they can’t manipulate you into saying they are right, they might just control the argument by beating you. You will have your patience tested every minute of every day and your inability to be patient may get you hurt. Get some therapy for yourself if you are involved. Don’t turn to the BPs parents, they are too exhausted to help too. It’s likely it will backfire on you because either they can’t cope with it or feel their diseased should be exiled and you are the problem for staying. Realize you may have needs too and will not be able to lean on your loved one as in a traditional relationship. Realize that your BP loved one may not be able to provide support becaue he is having a high or low. They are highly narcissistic so it is difficult for them to genuinely give of themselves to anyone. I was strong for 8 years until I had a death in my family and a serious medical issue of my own which inconveniently occured during a manic stage of my BPs life. He was emotionally unavailable to me and while I cried out to him that I needed him, he became enraged. In my hysterics I engaged in an argument (normally I pick my battles and walk away) that could have ended my life. I wish you happiness, health and prosperity. Please keep in mind the potential of a BP and remember you can not always be level headed in your dealings with life. Also if you have children consider the impression a child will receive is that they have to praise, worship and always do what their parent with bipolar wants them to do in order to be loved. They will feel NO unconditional love which can lead them into unhealthy situations and in constant performance to gain love from their parent. I am writing not for help but so anyone considering this type of relationship will have some insight and knowledge of what he/she is taking on. Take care of you first or you are useless to everyone else. Best wishes to all. If you want to talk privately, juliexoxo12@yahoo.com.
regards Bittersweet
Well, there’s an image that’s going to linger……….
she is moving back here and will be back by the end of the month….we are officially back together…
OR SO SHE SAYS!!!
can I trust her?
if she does the opposite of what they say, then is she NOT coming back???
I hope you are wrong…
she is teeling everyone we are back together…told me in the beginning she wasn’t coming back until may…now it is this month.
tells me that she was on an episode and is very sorry.
Wish you well eddy
Good Luck for the furture
Regards
bittersweet
Raan here…THANKS Bittersweet and everybody…I am SO leery of this situation. VERY uncertain.
I hope that once she leaves, that crusty Dusty doesn’t somehow convince her to change her mind…nor her Mom…who isn’t happy about this as of finding out tonight.
I have my reservations about how solid terri is on “us”
Say a prayer for me and the Family.
Mark, ANY feelings about this? or anyone else?
Good luck Raan…..
Remember our loved ones are whoever they are on whatever day it is……..
xx
Thanks for the kind comments.there are a few things that seem “not right” but from what I can tell, everything is going back towards what it should be (what it was-or as close to that as it can now).
I am concerned that once she leaves, she may change her mind or more so, be influenced in a bad way that makes her not want to follow thru on her obligations with me and our Family.
She told her mom tonight that she is moving back here on the end of the month…Mom didn’t take it too well.
She still has to break up with crusty….that part concerns me the most. I dodn’t know what she wil do once she is up there and me down here. Can I trust her to keep her word? Grrrr.
Time will tell I guess.
Give her space? be firm or relaxed?
one more comment…she was very upfront on how sexual she has been…how “studly” this BOY is…how she likes it “rough” now….how they do it everyday, all the time….
bunch of BS I think. She didn’t seem too into sex and I did my job WELLLLL…she was “tired” these 3 days.
I think she’s full of it on this topic.
I KNOW how she is…she’s not into it a lot because of the meds…so, why tell me that bunch of BS???
Raan
they want you to be jealous and think they are some type of
glamour puss in the sac ..sex is important to them for the reason of seduction at that point in time but at the end of the day it dont mean much …they know what they like and are not afraid to get off on a bit of kinky stuff ….its turns them on to have multiple partners so just take protection seriously ..
am sure u r hoping for the best outcome from all of this but just remember dont drop your guard …she will say and do the opposite …dont get your hopes up stay elusive and you should be able to gauge where she is at …from the underlying things she says
see all the stuff you have repeated over the last few months she has listened to /// they do listen but in bipolar time it just takes a bit longer
cheers bitter
I cant comment on all Bps Raan but mine never once tried to make me jealous and never spoke of past relationships in a sexual way, he never asked me and I never asked him…..so was a bit surprised she has given you details??
He would tell me he loved sex ( and it was never kinky or out of the norm?) but he was just as happy to kiss and cuddle and to hold each other, he liked being “just close”
I cant tell you she wont go back to him when she leaves or even after she arrives back with you…..as I said its whatever they want on that particular day!
But yes be on your guard…..and not just for the next two weeks, two months, two years…..for as long as she is part of your life!!
Dear Bittersweet,
Thank you for your kind reply to my issue. You’re right. I am a kind hearted person. I have a big heart and I had kept it locked for a long time, due to the fact that I was married to someone who was intermittently emotionally and verbally abusive. When I met my bp he seemed so different. He was kind and easy going. He was consistent. He was rational. He called me every day, numerous times. I had left my abusive marriage for him and the week end of New Year’s Eve when he pulled that stunt with calling the police on me, he hadn’t asked me out/or over, but told me he had gone to a party down the street. That didn’t even bother me, although it should have. He then had a girl sleeping over at his house because she was too drunk to drive? I wanted to believe it, but jealousy got the better of me and I went over. He was furious with me and that’s when I gave him back his gifts. Then he called the police to make sure I would never go over again. When I emailed he accused me of stalking him. Then silence and anguish for me, for nine months. I saw him again at the store and he talked to me as if nothing had happened. He was back to being nice to me, started calling me again, said he loved me…. then one day he called me at work to say he loved me…. called me again in the evening to ask me over the following evening… told me he had loved me from the first moment he met me….. sounded so sincere…. I looked forward to our date with anticipation…. the following evening when I went over, he looked at me through the glass portion of his door and looked puzzled. He slightly opened the door and asked “What are you doing here?” and I said “you asked me over” and he said “Oh no. I must have not said that. I sometimes say things and don’t remember I said them. And he told me I had to go because he had his son sleeping upstairs. A lie. I was dumbfounded. Was he just being ‘mentally ill’ or
‘ abusive’ on purpose?
Now he is not speaking to me again. It’s been six months. The last time I emailed him he replied “Stop emailing me”,
so I did. I said “As you wish. Goodbye!”
I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again, but I definitely will not contact him any more.
I have to be kind to myself and he pushes all my ‘hurt’ buttons with his rejection. I don’t want to be hurt any more. The only problem is I keep on remembering the good side of his personality. I think that’s what keeps us all hooked, like a drug, to the feeling of being loved. A rare thing indeed, and it is normal for us to crave it.
Bittersweet, you have gone through so much! You deserve so much better also. I pray that we all find peace and love with or without our bp…. if fairy tales could come true our bp loves would be home this Christmas….
love and peace,
josie
Josie….
Your post is very similar to all of us, this is what happens so dont ever blame yourself.
In his defence they do forget things easily and they have trouble planning, my ex. would make a date for the same night and if it was the following night he would check several times the next day about our date!
If he went on holiday it was never planned he just booked it and went the next day!
They come and they go….sometimes they go and they dont come back!!
I have had as long as 6 months in between seeing my Ex but he always kept in contact, not a week went passed that he wouldnt call!
But I know others have had as much as a year or even 5 years with no contact and then they appear?
Personally if I was you after what you have experienced I would not be in touch with him again because of the fact you have been threatened with the police.
I have never had that type of relationship with my partner he has always been very calm after an episode and very apologetic…. we then remain friends!
They do hurt you, each in their own way it is always up to you how much abuse you want or can take.
My ex partner knows I wont accept it, he knows I walk away and I dont contact or hassle him. I offer him love and support, I listen to him when he calls and I never ask WHY…..because I know why!
He may get in touch with you in the future I dont know….. it wont be for Christmas because they dont do Christmas or birthdays or special events…..I am afraid thats just the way it is!! xx
If you want real advice Josie I would say make a new life for yourself…..dont stop living whilst he has gone!!
Josie
i understand your trauma about the police incident
he did that to you because you caught him out , yes he may not have been doing anything with the drunk girl but the fact that you went over to his house unannounced …from my experience anything that makes them look guilty before tried they have a severe reaction to
and yet they may have been guilty of infidelity in the past which plants the seed of doubt …he went to the party probably with the intention of keeping his independance which is paramount to them
they cannot need anyone least of all you who knows him so well …you have to need him adore him that is what he wanted
they often suffer some grand delusion that you are not giving them enough attention so they try to find it elsewhere …it really depends of what their needs are for that day ..and that day only
as u know it can change on a dime …what u said about him contacting you after you saw him at the shop …then just dropped you on your ass again
sometimes their episodes can last for 6 months and longer …depending on what drugs he takes
I find the best thing is not to make contact with them they ahev to figure out its them not u …they have to work through the issues they have to come to the realisation that its not u its them
this does happen because basically everything they touch in the way of relationships turns to shit sooner or later ,,,its not our fault that they dont want to be with us anyway its their fear …their problem not ours
we are good people at least we have given them some credibility which is more than a lot of others give them
they can only figure it out themselves and in bipolar time that can take a long time
after a long time of ignoring you ..due to their inability or whatever it is …they back them selves into a corner, because too much time has elasped to hold conversation with us , besides we may have moved on their biggest fear and then we will reject them ..which is their worst fear…so really we are just as stuck as them but in a different way
they do get things mixed up particularly as they get older it gets worse …but for whatever reason he wouldnt let you in the house and hurt your feelings these are the reasons we cant go back to them again ,…its too hurtful
expecially when we are sensitive and you would have to be a complete saint to deal with bipolar
pushing forward I think we say
cheers josie from bittersweet
Feeling like there is a little box someplace that I can open and all the sadness will go away.
Going through the same bad feelings as you mark. Its not letting up for very long maybe a few hrs here and there but comes back and won’t go away no matter what I do. Nights are worse time. I feel doom and gloom and a little better during the day. I hope it passes.
My Dear Bittersweet,
Thank you for your wonderful reply. It didn’t use to make sense to me, how any of this could have happened to me, but reading your words, and others’ experiences on these blogs, has given me a sense of acceptance and peace. I still think about him/ the situation all the time, but without the atrocious pain. I don’t know if I will ever love anyone again, but the pain of losing him has subsided. It’s strange, but time does indeed heal. I am back to myself, the way I was before, with no illusions. The sad thing is that as you said one day, he will become aware that he misses me? loves me still? and then he will feel badly that so much time has elapsed and fear contacting me? although losing my love is probably his biggest fear? This disease is so horrible! It is like a house of mirrors. The good thing to take away from this is that at one point in time, our bp lover did love us. It was one, small segment of time, encapsulated for all infinity, one moment of true love…. now evaporated by the instability of brain chemicals…. Lost, I hope you can find confort in the fact that we love you…. you are a wonderful, loving human being and you need to believe that and love yourself….. if anyone else loves us then, it’s just icing on the cake 🙂
Thank you hopeful. Have you been on this blog with us long?
I am coming to grips with the fact there is something wrong with me. My emotions running way to high. Maybe that’s the reason I was able to keep the pace with my bipolar girl? When she was nuts I was nuts too. And when she was down..I was so far down. The none bpolar girl michelle who I had thought wanted me back made an excuse to not see me yesterday. She said she didn’t feel good and and that it snowed where she was at. She was getting her hair done so why do that if you are ill? She also told me she was jealous of this fat chick I know. Why be jealous of her when there are pretty girls that I know? That’s why I broke it off with her or atleast a big part of it. Long story short. She didn’t show and is supposed to come here today. Except now I’m not thinking all that good of her. I imagine she got her hair done and went out. I got no text from her last night. So I’m a little bit bummed out again. Why are so many people full of shit?
Hi Lost,
It’s just me, Josie.
I am so sorry to hear about this new girl’s behaviour. I wouldn’t let it show that it phased you. Be cool. Let her come to you. Then when she does, just be your happy wonderful self. Don’t assume that she is going to hurt you or she will feel it. Be confident. Be fun and be yourself. You are a wonderful guy. Believe that! Believe that she is lucky to be in your company. Don’t let them smell the fear. People are like dogs. They can smell fear and run away. So promise me you will not falter. I have a feeling today she will contact you and you guys are going to have an awesome time!
🙂 Josie
She said she fears seeing me. This is what I said:
I feel the same way michelle I’m scared too. We got along the best I ever have with anyone in my whole life. We had a lot of good for each other and it far outweighed the bad. Please don’t be afraid of me. What do you fear?
Lost …maybe she has a disorder too lol
everyone is scared most human beings have enormous fear wether BP or not
you dont need a licence to have fear , just a heart will do
I think for you lost …just cruiz man be your old self with this girl , dont go in at the deep end until you get to know her
My EX ex used to say women are easy to work out Yes means No and No means Yes maybe if you stick to this philosophy in your mind it may help silently …or better given working within the confines of the female hormonal system …which by the way is more volitile than an afghan mine field in some women. You are doing ok lost ‘ you dont really have to worry about what happens because you my friend are gifted with female compatability something a lot of male chauvo’s dont have of coarse ..she will like you , its not hard you are a womens friend , u think like us …what more could she ask for …and as for the down when your bp was down & up when she was high ..its called mirroring …all relationships wether Bp or not… mirror each other its an old buddhist philosophy…
Josie if you pm wishing well… get her or lost to send you my private email ..address
may be able to help you
regards Bittersweet
Do we get email updates like the other blog that a post has been made? I haven’t been getting any.
Raan, what do I say besides be careful. I don’t wanta ruin what appears to be a good stretch but if she nots getting any meds or therapy I have my doubts things will last. You’ll start seeing mood swings which have nothing to do with you, its the illness, but you’ll catch the brunt of the raging. Thats when things will start to turn.
Mine has tanked as expected. A vacation west to see relatives has returned an unmedicated I don’t care person who I have no attraction to be around. Talking doesn’t work so we’ll just have to see this depression cycle play out.
Nevermind, found how to get the email updates. Duh!
I was wondering where you went lol.
I got it all figured out now. We are all sex maniacs looking to take advantage of some poor unsuspecting bipolar person who is in there hypor sexual mode in which we can do some serious boinking with someone who likes it as much as we do. 🙂 Haha… Umm yes I’m feeling a little better tonight to bad I have to watch my kids 😉
Raans holding his own pretty well.
Just keep it nice and easy
mark
I know that unmedicated dont care person ‘
the depression cycle you talk of it can have bouts of mania as well but basically its bipolar time alone time again for them ..mine use to go on holidays all the time by himself for a weekend or longer at xmas ..he doesnt do xmas or birthdays !!
I can remember when he sooo wanted to be with me and share nice times , go shopping together just fitting in like anyone else then comes the rage & they have to hide to keep it from busting out at YOU
they really do want to try to make it work sometimes but thats when it seems to go wrong !!
waiting is a good idea and fill in the gaps 🙂
cheers bittersweet
Tonight, I’m getting the most scheming, mischievous, seductive side of the mania climb coming at me. Too bad, shes getting shot down. Now comes the rage from the rejection. Glad it won’t be me who gets the ping pow boom for a change.
mark
yes i know that cycle too
I just used to clean the house when my bp was like that
i got to clean all the cupboards & things that I normally would do when he was acting out
it really helps when you clean because you look busy whilst pretending you are listening to their rambling
she probably wont remember much when she hits the wall
and if you have cleaned the house or the car / you always feel productive anyway
ping pow boom …yes thats it
cheers bittersweet
Well the end is near. 10 days no meds and the rage is on and in full swing. I guess the lure to doing whatever the f they want is greater then everything else. Last nights rant was F mark, I don’t want em in my life no more, he ain’t the boss of me, I’ll do whatever I want.
here I preach the part of not taking it personally, but it sure is hard. Seen the same cycle the last two falls, so you would think I would know whats coming.
I don’t care gets muttered constantly now. The classic I’m off my meds line. Made my one call to her latest case worker this morning, not sure I have it in me one more time to stick around thru this cycle, last years drained me and I got my own issues. Talkings of no use, reality and BP reality aren’t worth the breath.
That sucks. She knew she was running out of meds and did nothing? Or just stopped taking them or even through them away? They know they need to stay on them but always seem to have a reason to be off. That’s the kinda bull shit that bothers the fuck outta me. What to do?
Loving the mania?
No, I unfortunetely am getting all da rage. Some other poor guy will enjoy the mania when she runs loose here in about a week. Unsure wheather this will be on da streets like last year in the freezing cold thru a maze of shelters or right into the regular MH facility she thinks will keep her from being bored.
At one point I couldn’t tell one from the other mixed episodes up down and your spinning all around and around. Its horrible. I hate this stinking disease and yet there is nothing being done about it it seems. I used to wish I could lock her in a cage.
Its almost impossible to deal with. Sometimes you feel like just giving up. this is sure to strike a nerve but I will say it anyway. Does your ol lady believe in god? Mine didn’t and I used to try to get her to remember the most simple thing I thought I could tell her that would help. I’d say just remember to do unto others that you’d have done unto you. Shed laugh and walk away. How do you live in a hauted fucking house and not think that just maybe there is a good side also? Beats the fuck outta me.
But that’s just it Lost, there’s a good side to everything and everyone……. 😉
Well she sure as shit didn’t listen lol. If she did she woyld still be here driving me crazy 🙂
Ps. Michelle says she is coming back 😉
Guess my trip to sing sing wasn’t a totle loss 😉
MARK
I feel for you my friend ..it certainly doesnt help when they are sreaming at you and its all your fault …its just a terrible illness….you did say xmas look out …so I guess u must have some idea of what is next …to a degree
it sux is it love , am not so sure when they are like this it is hard to love them
cheers bitter
Yes, this is the part where they self destruct either for attention or boredom and they rage at me blaming all the worlds problems SHE created on me.
There was a brief calm period last night from the seductive personality but this am is full rage again. Reality of life and having to do things has stress levels back on 10.
For self preservation reasons, I gotta step back off the tracks and let the train pass. This wrecks going to be a bad one.
Mark
like i said …cleaning cleaning …do distract yourself as much as possible from the dragons ..i found it helped tremedously especially when they are looking your way !!
a phone conversation can be an enormous distraction from the drill .. even so reaching the bottom coming off meds & u being in the firing line sheesh ! I dont envy you , just agree or disagree which ever the case maybe , there is always an underlying trigger , stress, circumstance, environment , other people or just plain low level depression can cause the irritablity
regards Bitter
It’s a no win situation. I can let myself get dragged back into the drama of which I cannot fix or get out and be the person who in her eyes is to blame. The tussle I always experienced with my wife was there were solutions to the problems but you had to do things a certain way, but then I’m the one being controlling in their eyes and there not going to listen to anyone,
Mark you sure got that right. Anytime you try to help your going to be labeled controlling. If they are looking for a fight any reason will do. Maybe if your cleaning you will be doing it the wrong way or making noise or touching there stuff or even acused of searching for stuff or spying on her etc etc.. The list goes on. When they have it in for you sometimes you can duck and weave and avoid her by walking on egg shells. Unless you have strong boundries in place you will never win. Maybe its best to just do what ever it is you feel like doing and just keep shrugging it off? It was all so draining on me I just walked right into her mine field and did myself in. But a week later I was kicking myself for doing it. Panda said you must live a detached life being able to pack your bags and leave at a moments notice. Only trouble is I never unpacked my bags and I’m still looking for reasons to run. Iv been talking with my xgirl friend supposed non bipolar and I already don’t trust her and look for trouble signs. The whole thing stinks and bipolar disease sucks the big one.
Oh and I hit a all time low by telling this fat chick I am bipolar just so she would leave me alone. At first it worked. But now she’s back telling me its workable lmfao wtf? I wonder if this is how we all feel? She’s gonna work through this with me? I’m a real ass hole. 🙂 I think my trains pulling out got to run. Buh by.
LOST u r funny ..but do agree for mark
panda said ‘ you must live a detached life, being able to pack your bags at a moments notice ‘
very wise words ..I never packed my bags , he packed his instead , he kicked himself out of my home many times because he knew he was out of control ..at least he had the decency to leave !! LOL
cheers bittersweet
Don’t ever buy a house or chip in on a boat with a bipolar. Oh and definetly don’t marry one if you can help it 🙂 lol.
A house or a boat…..marriage…..just one more date would do for now!!
One more date will do ya! Lol. How’s it going wishy? Its been quiet on here. Looks like the holidays have people to busy to worry about stuff. Good thing I guess? Any word from your xbp? Mine still has her depressed sunset picture up. Its been almost three months now and she’s abandoned her yahoo screen name. Her last fling must have taken it hard getting dumped and gave her a hell of a time. No wonder she’s scared all the time. That’s what happens when you break peoples hearts. Oh well.
It was going fine lost, and now I seem to have “lost” it, its been 3 months for me too and now the bad bits are fading and the good bits are rising to the surface and I am crumbling…….
Just getting ready to go on a date, he 6’2 handsome, fantastic job, funny….. and I am not one bit interested!!
What is this obsession, why did he make me feel so good, why the hell cant we just let go??
Its the conditioning wish. You have been broken down and rebuilt so many times it has conditiond you me and the rest of us to failure. We now except failure as the norm. It takes time away from bipolar and time with normal to fix us. But we can and will be fixed it just takes time. Do not give up your date. Enjoy the fact that if this man enjoys being with you today he will enjoy being with you tomorrow and next month and a year from now. Do not stress. Just relax. There is no one better then you. If we can take a bipolar ass whipping and come back for more then this is a piece of god damn cake! Your a hottie babe trust me 🙂
Remember wish. We are real and we want real! And real feelings take time. But they last with us. Bipolar love is a hoax! Smoke and mirror bullshit! Now get your ass out there and have a good time. You got it all goin on babe 😉
Ha ha…..Thank you Lost…. 😉
Date went ok. Had a nice time!
Nice man but didnt feel no sparks “goin on”….who knows!
Here is the deal ladies. A normal guy don’t know you when you first meet. So a normal guy will first feel you out. Not up!
Now bipolar time bomb guy needs to work fast first cause his mind is going a million miles an hour and second because he need to move fast because his mood may change at a moments notice. Now being the male slut that I am iv learned to move fairly quick and get my first kiss out of the way so I can move on to bigger better things. If the first kiss don’t happen I’m gone. I’m not there to be your friend I am there because there is something else I want 😉 so some woman like the assertiveness. If I can give em that tingle on the first date I go for it. That’s where me and bipolar girl hit it off. We were both in hyper mode looking to get laid. And in the long run she was a shooting star who burned out on me. Go for the normal but confident guy. He’s a little rough around the edges but he’s the man you want. Exciting and adventurous 😉
I should not have told you ladies this but since you are half way around the world my secret is safe 😉 raan and mark already know so there nothing bad there. Haha now go out and have fun and stop worrying about some shooting stars.
Do you know lost, I had already worked that out, I only go for the exciting ones…….thats why I am obsessed!!
Your so right, many times I have looked at men and thought GOD you look like my DAD…….. I dont want some old, boring man…..I want excitement.
He was so exciting……
……..and when he get down, he runs, so as I never see him like that!!
sparks will follow wishy. Just give peace a chance 🙂
Or stick your finger in a light bulb socket. U will deffenitly see sparks 😉
There idea of down is not the same as ours I don’t think. I think its almost like going into a shell where everything they need is already there. My girl almost killed herself but it was in a manic moment of love and lust. The bitch jumped the railroad tracks on her way to come molest me and had all four wheels off the ground lmfao. She must have needed it bad 😉
As they say in jolly ol england. He got your knickers in a bunch! Haha
TWIST lost TWIST……
Got your knickers in a TWIST…….lol
And a chip cheerio to you too! Lmfao where are ya wish? Me and you are gonna go out on my bike one day and turn fuckingham palace on its ass 😉
Ha ha……Queens gonna love that Lost…… One has a Royal occasion next year!!
I know what your thinking. The ass can’t get his bike out here cause there a blood blooming ocean in front of the jerk.lmao I’ll rent one lol. Biggest enfield they have on the lot 😉
I know what your thinking. The ass can’t get his bike out here cause there a blood blooming ocean in front of the jerk.lmao I’ll rent one lol. Biggest enfield they have on the lot ;).
Ps did you all miss me while I was away? lol
Its just a pond, Lost, not a problem!! 😉
In a twist? Wtf is that? Oh you chaps got it all wrong! Wrong wrong… But this forum is open to children soooo I keep my mouth shut and fingers off the key pad 🙂
Ps where the hell is Bitterbabe and the ever sweet and lovly michelle my Bell? 😉
The strap on a pair of water wings and swim your ass over here and I’ll take you on my Harley and they can scrap pile the Enfield as junk lol.
Guess what boys and girls? Daddy don’t have kiddies this weekend. And… I’m gonna go out and have some fun and bring the bartender girl a lighted shot glass and she’s gonna wrap her lovly legs around my head again 😉
Oh Lost, theres an image thats going to linger……lol
And that’s what the stupid bipolar bears get for deserting there post and cut and running when they should hunker down and shut up.. Its all there fault if I get laid this weekend and I hope they are happy 😉
Oh… And did I tell you they are stupid?
Ok sweet dreams Wishy poo. I’m gonna jump in the shower now. You get a good nights sleep. When ever that time is because I don’t have a clue what the hell time it is where you are lol. Michelle start a new string soon this ones spent! Ohh yeah can ya feel it 🙂
Just checking in to give a quick update.
Well, so far, it seems as if terri is coming home at the end of the month, or so she SAYS. She seems sincere. There are a few things that don’t add up, but what the hay…I guess some things never will with a BP relationship. She is having a very tough time up North, but refuses to come home except on her due date of “the end of the month”.
I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.
Dusty? Hmmmm. Not sure if she is still seeing him. She says no, but there is a tad of times I cannot get ahold of her…hours on end sometimes…lame excuses, but who knows…maybe she IS telling me the truth.
I guess I will just wait it out, and hope for the best.
Keep in touch folks and have faith in your fellow humans. Happy Holidays.
Hi Raan
I hope it works out raan , they are the masters of deceit when manic , I would just stick to what you are doing , try not to think if she is with Crusty , because she probably is .
but as you say what can you do …I was in love with my BP whilst he lived with another women for 1 year …he just ran off with her .. they are pretty screwed up so u are adopting the right attitude so as YOU dont get hurt too much .
just remember Dont drop your guard !!
cheers Bitter
Well, my Daughter Sophie has pneumonia i was just told by Terri. It sounds like she did in fact go to the hospital as she said she was. She was screaming at the kids while I was on the phone about it…guess she is doing what she says.
She said she hurt her back again…Hmmm. She told me that Dusty hurt her back these other times she hurt herself having sex with him…am I to assume that he hurt her again? She tells me that it has not healed completely and that she probably hurt it picking up one of the kids….hard to believe her.
Frankly, I think she saw Dusty Sunday night and spend the evening with him as it was his Birthday…phones were either turned off(cell) and the home phone was off the hook for several hours….I guess it doesn’t matter. I must confess…when she told me that she hurt her back again, i asked was it from rough sex again? probably should NOT have asked this, but she said”NO”, it was from picking up one of the kids. She HAS been very sick with a BAD cold…perhaps I need to just let this train of thought go altogether or it is going to make me crazy….maybe it already has!!!
I’m good in general though. She seems sincere like I said about coming home. In fact, she seems like she is going to follow thru completely. I guess I just have to take her word for it and “let go” so to speak….
I must admit…I am happier even with her not here. I think that she will be home by the end of the month and that is very comforting. Cheers
Raan I too have been at the phones switched off stage, now I thought it very suspicious and it got to the stage when I could tell what time of the day the phone would be answered, I too thought he must be with someone else, he would even say to me ” you cant get hold of me when you need me”
I never questioned him ( I never question anyone, even normal relationships ) but after reading about Bipolar they do all turn off phones when things get to much for them…..its easier than having to answer or knowing they are ignoring you!
But thats one of the downfalls of loving a BP you will never be able to trust her again!!
BTW, when I mentioned that terri has been very sick with a bad cold, I meant that she probably wasn’t in the mood for sex anyway….
raan
I think if you did a bit of detective work u would discover the worst ..she is probably telling you the truth yes she is sick , but they always do this to mask other behaviour …they want you to drop into the background because you think she is sick u will leave her alone , which is what she wants .
she either wants to be left alone for 2 reasons 1st is she is depressed 2nd well I know u dont want to go there
dont count on her coming home raan , remember they pull the rug …just when u believe her ..and she wants you to feel sorry for her as they are good at that..it has a purpose only a BP suffers from daily imaginary illnesses the martyr complex is so useful when called upon ….it makes u back off so she can then run her own show for a while
few weeks back it was the foot , then her mother now its the back .. and her cold wasnt there a toothache in there somewhere as well I seem to remember ….picking up kids does not give you a back complaint & this is coming from a mother of 3 who was a sole parent for 30 years …
she wants you to just accept that she has been having sex with this bloke or else she wont come home…she knows she has u where she wants you now …its wether you can handle the ride to win her over in the end …sometimes this is what the challenge incurs …you do as i say not what i do …and if you dont well then the threats start…I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were reversed and u were having sex with someone else ….
its a cruel love like LOST said a hoax
cheers bitterbabe
I wouldnt bank on it Raan!!
She’s with him for sex…..she not with him for his money or his knowledge of the world….his looks?…..his mature attitude to caring for her and the children….FUN, dont sound like they have a bundle of fun to me?
No, its SEX!!
heheh heres part 3 – everyone can move there now xxxxxxx
Michelle your a trip lol. We can’t move there yet. The music hasn’t stopped 🙂
heheh well its there ready and waiting when the music does stop lol. there are otheres on here to i put on that are empty, bipolar or bad upbringing, and couple others. am trying to open a proper website for us, i am learning how to build one hahaha, keeps me occpupied at times when i can be bothered hehehe. xxxx
Wow I like the bipolar or bad upbring. My xgf dressed as a garbage can for Halloween. When I asked what she’s supposed to be she said white trash lol. Her town is the same way low class. But upbringing crosses all classes. But then again who knows?
Bittersweet…I think your reply is spot on. She doesn’t want me to send her money for the pain killers for the back…perhaps she feels guilty???
I asked her when she hurt her back a few minutes ago. She said day before yesterday. Funny thing is, she would have told me if the kids (playing with the oldest boy is her excuse now) did it when it happened.
Sophie is supposed to be going into the hospital right now. I don’t know if she is full of it or not, but I am worried.Terri also said that she will be pretty busy ffor the next few hours trying to find a babysitter for the the middle boy and has to get the oldest boy to scxhool before she can take Sophie to the Hospital….I don’t know what to believe, but it sounds like I am supposed to just accept what she says is true, or else?
BTW, you can clearly tell she has a bad cold. AND, she does stay in contact with me fairly regularly. She likes keeping me in the loop FOR THE MOST PART. Yes, she does “disappear” at times, but all in all, she has been pretty good at keeping me posted on how she and the kids are doing.
Were I to just “trust” her. there would be no real indication that anything was “off”…BUT, because I have been doing a little detective work (It seems I have to), there are a FEW things that don’t add up.
Maybe she is seeing the boy, maybe not. IF she is, it isn’t very often and not for very long unless he is sitting there listening to calls quietly while she tells me that she loves me(every call she tells me). I know from his past behavior and his age alone that I don’t think that he is mature enough to sit there and listen to that….
Like I said, over all…she has been treating me pretty good and consistently tells me that by the end of the month, she WILL be home. Btw, she didn’t pay her rent this month, so…where else can she go?
You either (except)*not believe* what she says until she gets back and you can better control the situation. Or you end it. There is not much middle ground. Mine knew how much she hurt me. She knew I’d be like a wounded animal and she promised me the world. And in the next breath told me I’ll be saying she’s a bitch. So she knew damn well she was lieing the whole time. They enjoy what they do. The choice is wait until she gets back and lay down a foundation of boundaries or tell her your demands now and lose her. There are no guarantees with these people. And that’s it no sugar coating.
Raan,
You’re getting setup brother. They let there worlds crash so some poor sap like us can TRY and be the white knight. She’s going to put the world on your shoulders and watch you get crushed like a bug and not give too shits because in her eyes it WILL be your fault. All this for a little sex? Run, brother, run. I DONT CARE what she says, what she’s doing is proof enough.
MIne’s gone manic, thinks the seduction goona save her white knight and everything. You’re going to see Linda blair pop out like in the exorcist with the full head spinning, i’m going to kill ya speech if you put her to the test.
And the rough sex. It’s there way of punishing themselves.Take advantage and paddle her azz off.
Mark
He can also wait until she gets home and try from there. Maybe in the mean time crusty will get a dose of what’s coming his way. Read my post right above yours. The guys not ready to fold. He’s got kids and its worth a shot. He can not just cut and run. But the tables going to tip one way or the other.
No, he shouldn’t wait. She’s sucking everyone in. Raans going to wake up News Yr Day to 3 kids and an empty bed; with this B telling em she got stuck in a snowstorm in 80 degreee heat. It’s all BS folks, all of it. Of course she has to play little miss helpless victim, its Xmas. She gets all the attention all the loving. And shes telling Crusty, hey we’ll be together for Xmas and new Years with no kids.
Gaurantee it folks, absolutely without a doubt he’s getting played. The minute her story springs a leak and you Raans puts her on the spot with the lies and bs, shes going to scratch his fing eyes out.
Like i said, you’re be watching the exorcist LIVE
Mark
But buy then he will have three kids. And maybe that’s the way the story will unfold.
Every story has a ending but we cannot tell this man when to put down the book. My last few pages were torn out along with my heart. The books ending was twisted and sencless and without a clear cut ending I suffered. I don’t wanna see anyone suffer. What will be will be. I know you mean the best but this story needs to play out. I pray every nigght that he and his woman become the very few who can make it. I try not to offer to much false hope to him I’m strait up as can be. I thought love is stronger then bipolar and in some cases I believe it is. Let’s just hope his is one of them. A love story instead of a horror story. Raan start to disconnect a little now and a little more later. It drove me mad. Don’t let it kill you too.
I got no problem with things playing out especially with kids involved as they are the ones who suffer the most. If he ends up with them and is able to survive great, but BP’s thrive on drama and nisery and bs. They just flat out dont fing care at times and are selfish as all hell. I’m wishing for the best but I’m just saying prepare for the worst because that is most likely what is going to happen.
And folks, lets not brush aside that if I was having sex with a minor female, I’d be in jail soon and likely be losing those kids. If Raan whats to play a card to bring out the devil in this B, that’s the one to use.
Drama will be there enough for everyone. Its how its handled that will determine who wins this battle. Let crusty take the brunt of it 😉
Raan you may win the battle if you play your cards right. But the war will continue. Focus on the kids detach frome you know who as much as possible. That in its self is a handful. Now does everyone see why I am resentful of bipolar bears who continue to hurt people? Wasn’t all my fault I fell for hell the bitch reinforced my feelings until I couldn’t turn away. She said no open relationship and sealed the deal. And then bam polar melt down. It sucks. But I had no idea what I was dealing with when I met her she didn’t tell me she was gonna kick my ass in. But I know now. We all know now. Hind site is always 20/20
Lets not forget Lost, hind sight is 20/20 but Bipolar sufferers have an illness, from what I can remember you have had your ass kicked by quite a few “normal” girls too??
People hurt people everyday not just BP people!!
And whilst on the subject Mark is right he would have been arrested for under age sex….lets not put all this blame on to Lusty Dusty, the law is there to stop under age children from being taken advantage of and Raan is in his 40’s and he has been taken advantage of, what chance has Dusty really stood??
And another thing seeing as I am now in full swing…..lol
This isnt a battle because there are no winners…..theres a young kid being used….theres an heartbroken partner letting himself be manipulated…..there are 3 kids who dont know whether they are coming or going and there is a mixed up crazy woman who needs help?
No one will WIN this BATTLE?
Crusty is young and will bounce back. If not and he comes to this site. I’ll go easy on him lol.
Yes iv had my ass kicked by regular chicks too 🙂 so there may be some resentment for all the woman I know. Maybe that’s why I run from them? I’m sorry I hold a grudg for a while sometimes. Didn’t say I’m still holding it. But I guess the fact I keep bringing it up shows I do? Well why can’t I have a little bad tast in my mouth anyway? If I just forgive and forget I’d leave myself open for more of the same? Live and learn? Don’t be hostile but also don’t be dumb and forget? We all got something going on in our nut shell. Panda didn’t just write off everything that his wife did. His boundries were pretty tough and direct. He was just lucky she didn’t say good by and split. And we don’t know where this dude is now? He didn’t even have a PC in his home.
Lost you have to forgive and forget and NO it wont leave you open for more of the same…..did you ever burn your fingers as a kid when your Mum told you not to play with the matches…..did you keep going back and doing it again and again?
Forgiving does not make you dumb…..do you think I am dumb?
Forgiving puts you at piece with yourself, it helps you to start again and put YOUR life back in order!
Not forgiving doesnt hurt her, it just hurts you!!
I hold no grudges, people hurt people, people make promises they never keep, people lie, when they do you either stick it out or you dismiss them from your life!
Given the chance I may have stuck it out with a person suffering from Bipolar but I would want certain commitments and we both know commitment is not on the agenda!
Exactly. So Raan needs to save himself for the kids. But let’s not write his family off just yet. And while we are at it iv had shots fired at me and guns knifes pulled on me. Been slashed and forced to grab the blade of a knife. Guess who was behind it almost all the time some punk kid. You thimk I went easy on the poor darlings? I put my fist so far into his mouth I heard his jaw break. And the other I kicked under a parked car. Its called survival on the streets. Don’t worry niether one prob didn’t die. But if they did I’d be saving some other persons sorry ass.
Exactly. So Raan needs to save himself for the kids. But let’s not write his family off just yet. And while we are at it iv had shots fired at me and guns knifes pulled on me. Been slashed and forced to grab the blade of a knife. Guess who was behind it almost all the time some punk kid. You thick I went easy on the poor darlings? I put my fist so far into his mouth I heard his jaw break. And the other I kicked under a parked car. Its called survival on the streets. Don’t worry neither one prob didn’t die. But if they did I’d be saving some other persons sorry ass.
And wish. Those are only two of the things iv dealt with. Yes I don’t forget when iv been done dirty. But I don’t look for trouble and iv never let a threat go. If you do they will come back for you.
Some things you just got to take chances on. Sure I got burned by woman and I guess I always will. I’m not about to go turn faggot its not my style lol. I’m 100% in love with woman so don’t worry about me holding a grudge about that. I actually hold a grudge against the bipolar disease itself. I lost to it and I don’t like to lose any fight. Yes it happens but that don’t mean I need to except it and roll over and play dead. Hell no I don’t think your dumb. I know you are smart and we choose what we do. But a person is conditioned to there envirment. I have no idea what this has to do with bipolar lmfao. Wtf?
People who suffer from Bipolar are not a threat to us Lost…….they just have an illness……to be a threat to you, you have to let them!!
I’d rather be shot or stabbed then have my heart and soul destroyed. I wanted to kill myself many times. You cannot run from yourself. Flesh wounds heal in a few weeks. This other shit is going on for almost a year in february one yr.
And yes Lost, my Bp ex has had guns firing at him and knives held up to him, he has crawled across mine fields to save lives and all the rest…… and loving me has hurt him more than any of that stuff……
So what’s it all about Alphy 😉
Love sucks! But its so good when its right. Should I hold a grudg against the niggers that shot my friend through the head and wrote RIP over him on a wall with spray paint? Fucking damn strait I will.
Yea, I’m getting caught up too I guess in my past with my wife and the feelings it causes to surface. Bitch was my favorite word in the end, it seemed like all she ever did was complain about things she had control to change and make better. Little did I know, what I was dealing with at the time was a BP disorder or a host of other personality illnesses.
Putting their “choices” on the illness as an excuse doesn’t always fly. This minor relationship of Teri’s which is against the law and has severe legal consequences is no laughing or joking matter. What does her family think? Do they even know? Do they even care? Often family is so distant after a long road of trainwrecks they themsaelves are out of strenght to help, out of resources. Mental Health caseworkers often relate to individuals with the talk therapy by simplying things into “choices” and this put the responsibility back on the individual, you want to make a bad choice knock yourself out, the consequences fall to you. You don’t’ think terri will flip some trouble that comes with crusty and blame Raan? It sure will come down like that as will everything that creates stress and there is alot of stress coming.
I’m a lost cause wish. But I get by. And if anyone ever hurts my kids.. I’ll go on a killing spree that would make adolf hitler blush
Well I think Lost I would do the same…..if anyone came near my kids I would have the ability to protect/kill like a tiger in the wild…..but here we are talking Bipolar and no one has died, a few hearts are broken, a few minds are messed up but we have the ability to survive this and to get out and start again…..
…..and sorry Raan but you wont be the first weekend Dad, I know the kids are important and having a family is important but kids need stability above anything else and I have been a single parent for 12 years and bitter has for 30 years and we both have 3 perfectly normal well adjusted children because we protected them…….
You need to put whats best for these kids first as I have said all along…..not what you think is best for you and Terri….yes, its lonely being a one parent family but thats what we do to protect our kids from the mistakes we have made!
For the record, crusty is 18 years old now. His B-day was last Sunday.
As far as terri is concerned with seeing Crusty, there is NO evidense that suggests it, however…she HAS called him (1 or 2 minute calls, enough to ask if he is home -when will he be back, etc) a few times and she even told me that she called him. She calls me through out each and every day and tells me that she loves me many times thru the day…in fact, she NEVER ever told me that she loved me before we “got back together about 10 days ago when she visited for 3-4 days.
I know this much, when he was around before this…and he ALWAYS was…she NEVER told me that she loved me. I think she is reallt being semi-straight with me FOR THE MOST PART. I say this with an almost, because I don’t know for sure, but it looks like she is keeping her word. Once again, for the most part.
I am not defending her, cuz you people KNOW I am the first to rant and rave about her BS. She IS being a bit distant, and that kind of bothers me, but she has sick kids on her hands right now…SHE is sick with a bad cold, and is stressed out.
I am just going to see how it goes and PRAY she comes home with the kids like she promises at the end of the month. Meanwhile, I’ll try and give her breathing room, and I’ll be up there Christmas day to spend that day with her. There ought to be some red flags that day IF there are any to concern about.
I AM being cautious and I DO appreciate the input. I am listening to all of you and know it could go that way too. Keep the insights coming folks. Thanks.
Hey I wish the best for ya, I really really do. But let’s keep in mind 18 now or not. This wonderful person is capable of committing sexual crimes with a minor from what it seems. If this was you with a female underage, you would be getting a knock on your door from the police and rightfully a bat to the head from the father. Many states, the state itself is the prosecuting complaintant, he himself does not have to have any issues with what has occurred. Where are his parents? Let’s not sweep what appears to be very disturbing behaviour away because the issue is too uncomfortable. And now shes making sound decisions because shes depressing? Shields up, but I’ll pray for ya and the kids most of all.
I have to agree with Mark here Raan…..we have all been where you are, it wont matter how many excuses you come up with……..the outcome will be the same!
…..and then it will be down to what choices you make?
Wish
Sorry I lost my kool. But like mark said:
Putting their “choices” on the illness as an excuse doesn’t always fly.
But wish. I forgive you 🙂
XxxOXooO
Putting their choices on the illness doesnt always fly……
…….what do you both put your choices down to then?
Sorry, went on a rant there, Yes, experience, common sense. etc. But when you touch a hot stove over and over again for the attention, you’re make a conscious decision to create drama. Then to bitch about it, cmon, wake up.
But thats it Mark….the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting DIFFERENT results and when she touches the hot stove again and again she expects different results!
She doesnt make a conscious decision she does what her brain tells her on whatever day it is??
Its very hard for us to understand because we dont have the illness, we can figure things out in less than 2 seconds sometimes, they cant!!
Wish,
Gotta disagree, the do make a conscious decision to touch the stove over and over because its creates the drama and attention they seek. Her brains telling her go make drama. Terri’s going to have 2 people fighting over her in a wk, that plan is well on course, beleive me there.
Lost I am not condoning what happens, I am just saying its an illness,it cant be properly controlled and never cured and if you research it and educate yourself then you have a choice……you stay or you go….if you stay then you accept the ride, if you go then you learn from it and you move on…..broken hearted maybe but you move on!
A conscious decision that they are making? Some people may argue that but if they were indeed making random choices at times due to there illness, the bs would be close to 50/50, like a coin, NO? Or at least mathematically close. But BP’s may conscious decisions to f up there life for what ever reason; attention, love, whatever, so they have to be responsible for that “choice”. If you’re going to f up your life 75% percent of the time on purpose lets look in the mirror and blame that person. Rage on that person, fix that person. But, they would be too easy, thats the struggle therapist have, saying stop fing up life and doing are 2 different things and the choices somtimes are pretty clear. Take Terri getting involved with a minor; cmon folks, thats such a life changing trainwreck? She could possbily go to jail, lose her kids? WTF, she just dont care or want to think about it and who will she blame Raan.
Question: …….what do you both put your choices down to then?
I put mine down to experience. 🙂
Exactly……
So, in “Good old straight talking New York dialogue” Be happy for the good times, forget the bad times, never regret what choices YOU made….move on and dont look back in anger!!
Ok, I am ready…..lets have it!! lol 😉
I am not on about them making choices Mark, I am on about all of us making choices…..
Yes, they make bad choices and yes they blame their nearest and dearest for everything that goes wrong, they talk a load of BS and they tell you whatever they think you will need to hear to get what they want…….BUT it will always be your CHOICE whether you WISH to believe it and fly with it?
Oh, I completely understand. Thats why we also have to self reflect. We need to understand some of our issues that attract us to these personalitys. Now, if you have kids, you’re choices (sorry) feel limited, like Raan. I stayed because I actually had myself beleiving it was good for the kids. I had to finally call it quits. I probably should have left sooner for everyones sake.
Mark said:
But BP’s may conscious decisions to f up there life for what ever reason; attention, love, whatever, so they have to be responsible for that “choice”. If you’re going to f up your life 75% percent of the time on purpose lets look in the mirror and blame that person. Rage on that person, fix that person.
That’s what I been saying all along. Where I live there is a whole entire community of people fing up there lives and those of others. And its never there fault! Always someone elses! My xbp girl is very smart. She’s got all types of degrees. Give her a multiple choice test A.B.C.or D. She will choose the correct choice everytime. When a person tell you in advance you will call me a bitch some day or I put up walls. Then they are telling you that they know what they will do! But they won’t tell you when they will doi it. Then out of the blue or in my case I show her I’m a good bf willing to chance wrecking my car to come help you. And they decide to make that day the day to destroy this person. Then that’s a obvious effed up choice that they know will creat the most twisted heart felt hurt they can do. Bad fucking choice. Now write that into a test and tell them there salery will be determined by the test score and bingo they choose the correct answer! So these son of a bitches know damn well what they are doing and they enjoy it.. Its drama excitment! And what ever else bull shit they enjoy and its written everywhere they love drama excitment etc.. The thought of hurting someone excites them. And they love it. Until your gone.
And with that rant, the defense rest. I do truely wish everyone the best the next 17 days can bring you and your family, especially you Raan.
Yes, you too Mark, I hope things go well for you and everyone too…. 🙂
Then if they do it deliberately why has my ex sent me hundreds of texts telling me he is sorry, he knows he hurts me but he cant stop himself from doing it, the only way he knows how to put a stop to it is to stay away from me?
Yes they know they hurt but they dont do it deliberately, its what happens to their brains on that particular day/time, depending which way the mood is swinging!
He is a very intelligent person, far more intelligent than me, most people suffering from Bipolar have higher than normal intelligence!
Yes, he can stop it in exactly the same way he “chooses” to do it. And as far as staying away, often an attraction to someone is based on how they make you feel about yourself. He feels bad about himself when he thinks or sees you therefore the feeling to stay away and not think about that. And as far as sorry, go get some help and plz NO excuses.
Marks 100% right. They keep on hurting you because at that time they enjoy doing it. They love it! And they won’t stop doing what they want to do. And there is where the picture of her evil smile she put on line that huants me. Mark you are right and wish. You been bull shitted big time
How do you make that out then Lost, because I am the one whos free of it….I am the one who walked away from it, I dont try to contact him, I dont moan and groan about what has happened, I date other men and have dated other men all through our so called “relationship” so who was doing the bullshitting??
My xbp told me don’t ever look for her. If I did she would never speak to me again. And then she told me where it is she goes. But a car drove by and I couldnt hear what she said and of course I couldn’t ask. But I bet if I did she would have told me again. I’m glad I didn’t.
Well she has never spoke to you again has she…..and you didnt look for her???
Whatever you think about whether I have been bullshitted or not…..I know who controlled my “relationship” and it wasnt him, I made the choices, I knew what I was doing 100% of the time, I was the one who always walked and I was the one who choose when to go back……only this time I decided to just walk………
Raan …she has you on drip feed old son
she’ll keep pouring it in until shes had enough then you will be in the firing line …its easy to tell anyone you love them on the telephone 100omiles away its her actions that show her depth of love ..depth well yes maybe usually no depth at all to them .
let me give you this example
in the early part of my BP relationship some 10 years ago & before i knew anything about this god dam illness …the manic one was telling me through his mania how much he loved me how important I was to him , we were texting each other from work back & forth ..all week sweet nothings back & forth with STUPID me so in love telling him how much I was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him this coming weekend , we will go swimming all these wonderful things we would …well friday avo came he hopped into his car and drove in the opposite direction to me ……by late friday night i had rung yes 3 times NO answer …sat I text him several times throughout the day NO answer …sunday came around I was a bit worried so I sent some more texts asking if he was ok ?? Late sunday avo he sent me a one sentence text …am up the coast ‘ thats all I got …when I asked him why he did that to me …he said & I quote
” you had expectations you assumed that I would just be there for you all weekend …that is boring …its supposed to be spontaneous with no arrangements made its surposed to be a surprise …arrangements are boring …”
unquote so I told him how much that hurt me what he had done just disappeared …and his response was ” you hurt yourself it was your own fault for having expectations of another human being ”
the point of all this story is to tell you that they dont make arrangements they dont like to and they rarely stick to them …they only manipulate arrangements to get what they want money , gifts, a lift somewhere , something she wants from you …roof over her head , until she is ready to turn the drip feed off …then will come the avalanche of emotions that you will cop when she wants out
my 20cents worth …..from my experience they dont change much without therapy
regards Bitterbabe
Bitter,
Will you marry me? I promise to meet you at therapy; every other Thursday. Let me know what thursday is good for you and I will be there the next thursday.
BP’s write riddles and Xmas cards.
Sorry, I can’t help but laugh, lovingly however. When you hear someone else tell the same story it’s surreal.
I had a similar thing with mine to your planned weekend, he called me and said he had brought a new bike, he suggested a drive and a picnic, I said ok, I went out the next day brought all the picnic food as agreed….the trip was the following day, I heard nothing all day, then text him on the morning of the trip he didnt answer, after 3 texts he finally answered and said he was working that night and needed to sleep during the day?
The picnic was forgotten……
I didnt make contact with him again, he eventually called me and I didnt make a big scene just let it go and put it down to madness….it wasnt what I signed up for but I had a choice?
By the time the end came….the last weekend I no longer expected anything from him, no relationship, no commitment, no happy ever after…..I told him during the weekend “dont make no promises because you wont keep them” of course he promised he would!! lol
I knew deep in my heart it wouldnt last, I never thought it would be any more than what it was but it made me happy for the time we spent together….I lost nothing and gained so much……xx
He was doing the bull shitting with the hundreds of text you received. And yes you are hurt and that’s why you are here. We are all here looking for answers as to why they do what they do and we started off looking for a way to fix the problem.
Lost I know why they do what they do…..they are sick!
And I am not looking to fix it….have I once said I want to change him or fix him?
No, I dont….I miss him, I loved our time together, I am so glad I knew him….I will never regret it and I will always be his friend!
Then that’s a good thing for you wish.
For me it was different I had no idea she was bipolar or mental. She didn’t say hi I’m so and so and I’m a mental case. She was sweet and nice and I had no idea why she kept taking off. By the time I found out it was too late I had fallin for her. She has a hot tight body and a very cute face and I was taken with her. I didn’t want any other and I didn’t date any others and it was not me who was taking off it was her. I was not in full control like you say you were. So I took it really bad when she said good by for ever. For ever is a really long time wish.
But I’m not going to turn around and blame myself for what she did.
MY NEW POST ABOVE
Back off mark she’s mine lol. I’ll toss you for her! How far is the nearest lake? Lmfao.
Ya see, Ya see, how they are. Gotta us fighting like crusty and raan. I did propose first L&F, the nookie can wait til after the ceremony. lol. I’m goign to do a Castanza and say gdnite folks. Might be one of the few nites I leave this site laughing and smiling.
MARK
YES & YES
plenty more stories …can volunteer
but they all have the same ending
me being hurt 😦
cheers Bitterbabe
ps shouldnt u guys be asleep ??
its lunchtime in here in OZ
😉
Yes and yes? Awww bitterbabe 😦
Well I better get an invite to the wedding at least. I’ll hit on all the brides maids. There has got to be atleast one who’s up for a little trouble 😉
Good night everyone.
LOST
like the song says ….
am still alive but am barely breathin
pray to a god that I dont believe in
when her heart breaks ..no it dont break even
am falling to pieces
what am I sposed to do when the best part of me was always u
and what am I sposed to say when im all choked up and your ok
am falling to peices
am still alive but am barely breathin
It dont break even …It dont break even NO
cheers guys
Sing a happy song bitter. You gonna get me all sad again. Your a beautiful sweetheart of a woman and we all love you so very much. Xxxoooo
This one sums up bipolar….well it sums up my last weekend………
Let me hold you
For the last time
It’s the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can’t feel anything
When I love you
It’s so untrue
I can’t even convince myself
When I’m speaking
It’s the voice of someone else
Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it’s not enough
To make it all okay
You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything
That your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real
Oh the truth hurts
A lie is worse
I can’t like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
[Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us]
{Running back through the fire
When there’s nothing left to save
It’s like chasing “the very last train”
When it’s too late} too late
Soon the new year will be here everyone…..start again!!
Good luck!! xx
Yea, all I can do now is live in the moment. Tommorrow could always be filled with trips to the hospital. Chances of doing another 20 years with 1 person is doubtful and thats part of the sorrow; part of the wth did I just do with the last 20 years of my life.
That’s kool wish. I am glad you feel the way you do and its a great thing that you can be at peace with all that happened and didn’t happen. Its gonna take some time for me and the rest of us to get to the place you are at. I really don’t have so much resentment. I guess its mostly just being sad. I always was left feeling like my beautiful girl was taken from me. Stolen away and replaced with a person I did not know. But we learn and sometime its a tough pill to swallow. But a little at a time it goes down. You are a kind soul and stronger then most of us. Love you too ya know it don’t you 🙂
Thanks Lost…..I am bowing out for a while now….going to do what I said and make a new start….a life without Bipolar, without hurt, without the sadness that surrounds it….
…….I will keep an eye on how every ones doing but I wont comment….I do hope that those that who are alone forgive and move on and those who decide to stay get medical help in what they have to face…….
I have loved chatting to you all, left you my song……my moving on song……xx
Mark I remember one of the things that helped my girl was we would make little projects together. Simple things like gluing pop sickle sticks together to build a little house and then painting them. It was these things these small things that helped calm her and I enjoyed doing it with her. I would sneak peaks at her while she was concentrating so deeply in to her project that I just had to smile. It was these little things that made me love her so very much. I don’t hate her I still love her but she is not mine anymore and I don’t want to feel the hurt of the past anymore. You try to take each day as it comes and give her the excitment she needs. Take her out and try to do things. It may suprise you when she follows like a little puppy dog 🙂 if not its still fun trying.
L&F,
We do that now. Cake fights, shopping, dinners. I do appreciate the little things that happen when we are out believe me. She has no idea why I’m smiling. Couple weeks back we were in Victoria secrets, they’re having some body, lotion, other stuff sale. She grabs 2 of the items, apparently they’re having some 3 for 20$ sale, 2 cost us 16$, clerk goes you can get one more and only pay 4$ extra, you know there great sales technique, so she skips off to get 1 more something, comes back, different clerk goes, you know you can get 6 for 30$. I don’t even get the chance to glance over and say anything, she’s off dancing around the corner, clapping. I’m left there chuckling, but sometimes they’re really home in those eyes.
Good luck my special friend. Its really the only way to go. Be gentle with the none bipolars they aren’t so strong ya know 😉 love u wishingwell. And I really wish you well. Come back once in a while and say hello. We gonna miss you.
Wish,
Life’s not the breath you take
It’s the moments that take your breath away
take care, be sure to say Hello
GOODBYE WISHING
thanks Lost and Mark
broken hearts do mend they just take time …
I think we all have helped each other …on here ..we needed answers and we got a laugh as well …
its all good …lets look to a brighter future !!
cheers
Bitter babe sweet from Oz
From the sound of todays posts, I should just give up!
I AM going to wait until the end of the month and HOPE she keeps her word and does indeed come home and STAYS home.
I hear what you folks are saying. I take it alllll in and remember what you people with experience in this stuff say.
Pray we are the 10% that make it work.
Raan
you are so funny
by the sounds of todays post you should just give Up’
god have I been there …we all want to give up but we are just as stuck as you LOL
otherwise we wouldnt be here as well
Mate
what can I say … I know how you love this women
love hurts
and thats what BP love is HURT in big capitals …it is a simple as that ..
I have never loved like this and i may never again , but I know I will never feel pain like this again either because I choose not to .
the pain of bipolar love is worse than not being in love
its worse than being alone ..
bipolar love has the ability to absolutely crush your inner soul
cheers bitter
oh no where you going wishing?? xxxxx keep in touch on fb and let me know how its going plzzzz xxx
Sorry Michelle, I know you set this up for us all and I have loved chatting with everyone but I have decided to give myself the chance to make a new start, to spend a couple of months giving 100% to finding someone new!
I am thinking that living in the past and giving so much of my time to Bipolar is holding me back, I just want to find out if removing Bipolar from my life gives someone else a chance!
I have made some really good friends and I have learnt so much from you all….thank you everyone….
I will come back time to time to let you know how it is going! Happy Christmas and a really good new year! 😉 xx
Go for it wish. I think its a good idea what you say and are going to do. iv been trying too but its harder then I ever new it could be to find a decent woman around here that really likes me. But I won’t give up. I’m just going to slow it down a little. Merry christmas and happy new years to you and yours. 😉 yeah I know I’m fucked up lol.
Hi everyone who has posted here , just would like to wish everyone all the best for 2011 and a Merry Xmas 2010
The past year has taught me a lot more about this dreadful illness , that affects so many unsuspecting and innocent partners and family members
NOBODY derserves what bipolar can do i think thordora said ‘
it is truly a tragic scene to have to walk away from someone you love so deeply because they have all of a sudden decided they dont need to love u anymore..!!
the rejection is so overwhelming the pain is insurmountable and so we look for answers and wind up here all licking our wounds .
maybe if something truly magnificent were to come from this site it is the friendships and the laughs we have all shared about a sad past we have all lived or still living
a companion who has turned their back on us without explanation is so truly hurtful and any good we can give to someone new who is experiencing what we are all experts at supposedly until we fall again …if there is one shred of vital information that I can share or help share from my life without the love of my life …please ask me am happy to be of assistance to the grieving , the confused , the sad and those who cannot make sense of this dreadful bipolar disease that bestows itself not only on the person it consumes but on the innocent victims , partners , family , children and carers who continue to do good to try to help the disadvantaged mentally ill ..
all good things must come to those who wait
cheers for 2010
Regards
Bittersweet
Your an amazing person bitter/babe
Full of compassion and at the same time true to yourself.
Don’t ever change.
Awww thanks Lost
am bit flat today ….looking forward to a new year
bring it on and leave this one to shreds LOL
coming up a year for you too …its a very difficult time for many of us on here who have suffered such great loss.
cheers Lost
talk soon Ol buddy
Anyone have any ideas where to meet nice people outside the internet or personals? Iv been thinking more about joining some sort of MC and meeting people through that?
Lost
there aint any nice people left ..we are it 🙂
Ok if this is it then pack up your bags and come to NY I’m tired of all the fakes and nasty people out there. 🙂
Cmon dude, you going to proposition my fiancee right in front of me??? wth? At least you could tap on my shoulder and say excuse me
Umm that’s right I forgot about you mark. Don’t you got a wife already? I only need one and youl have two so that’s not gonna fly 😉
lost my middle sons gf is flying here from NY land on 27th dec ..maybe you could squeeze in LOL
mark still alive and kicking …no one jumped on your head yet ..or is it in pending mode …they only need one excuse
like everyone being fuking merry Ho HO HO
Lol, since when did me being married present a problem? Don’t make me come to New York Robert, I think I know where you live?
well in that case I’ll give you my address and you can have the weddimg here. I’ll hit up all the brides maids I’m sure bitters got some sweet friends. And don’t worry about your safty. I’ll show you around the hood 🙂
Wooohooo I’ll be right there! Sorry sucker I mean mark lol. Don’t worry bitterbaby I’ll make an honest woman of ya if not I’ll have fun trying 😉
sheesh !!!
not so sure about you BP whitewashes
maybe you guys could have adopted some nasty habits
from getting your heads kicked in a whole bunch LOL
Wooohooo I’ll be right there! Sorry sucker I mean mark lol. 😉
you people CRACK ME UP!!
Things seem to be progressing very well. I am aware that terri can pull the rug right out from under me, but she is behaving so much like her old self…in fact, she is being fairly honest with me as far as I can tell as well, but with ONE lil white lie recently.
I pray she follows thru…things are looking pretty good…I know, i know…I have my wits about me too.
Say a prayer for us. Thanks everyone. Happy Holidays
raan
I will forever pray for you my friend …..through all the sadness here maybe u will be our shining light 🙂
have a nice time with the kids ..
cheers
bittersweet/babe
I feel myself slipping back into bad depression again. Up all night feeling jittery and wired up. But keep getting bad thoughts and dreams everytime I try to rest. This sucks.
I am completly reliant on other people to make me feel better? WTF?
How do I shake off this one? Christmas and new yrs suck I wish it were over and I hate that depressing new yrs music its already making me sick just thinking about it.
Going to the Dr on wensday at 1030. Hit a all time low today. Can’t shake it off this time. Sucks
Lost
you have to concentrate on your ol self again ol pal
come on u can do this …maybe just let her go finally
we all have had to
just concentrate on yourself …the things u like doing the things that make u feel good
u recognise the error of your ways …U r smart lost
just concentrate on yourself
forigve the past forget the past its a new year 2010 is gone
if it makes you feel any better that silly bitch isnt happy either …we are all in your shoes its ok
let go of the past ..it has not been kind to you
regards Bitterjustascrewedupasyou ” 🙂
Its not bpgirl its me.
Lost
I have felt like that too
its not you
you just got a bit of a short fuse !!!
dont be hard on yourself ..its very emotional all this stuff
you tell someone u love them and they shyte on you
its tough going …
anyone that has been through this stuff would have to be superhuman to handle it
cheers bitter
Lost,
just hang in there my friend. call me anytime day or night if you want to talk. I mean it.
The Holidays are tough being alone. believe me, I KNOW.
Love yourself, treat yourself, and be happy you are alive.
OR, go find yourself a loose woman and do her good and proper! (sorry folks)….
Don’t worry, be happy!
Why did the none bipolar girl contact me again?
Why did she pretend she wanted to start over again and then disappear? Did she just want information from me on how she should handle her kid? I treated her very well did as much if not more for her then most people would have. Is it a game woman play to hurt the guy who had to let her go? These are only a few of the things going through my mind. Will she repeat this with this new guy? Is he gonna dump her again? How can a woman who says she loves you jump in bed with another guy? But again why come back and then say she’s gonna call and then she don’t? I’m all fucked up over this and I know its not right. Don’t she know how much she’s hurting me or she just don’t care? Wtf?
Lost Lost Lost
why are you giving your power away to these meaning less people in your life
cherish your self old friend
dont give these things the power to hurt you
nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so
in other words
you dont need someone in your life who is going to be unkind …deliberate or not just move on
quite frankly stop looking and it will come to you
its only when you hunt something do you become disappointed …there is an old saying if you cant be with the one you love ‘ Love the one your with wether that be yourself or your kids …just remember we come here on our own and we live on our own and anytime in between is a bonus if spent with the one
but maybe u r not ready yet …still much healing to be done ….we all have good & bad days
just got to ride the bad ones out
cheers bittersweet
Thank you bitterbabe/raan and josie who is out there watching 😉
Your notes made me feel a lot better today. Its been a rough past few weeks and I know its not over.
I will try to take the advice you gave me. I guess what your saying is I should just forget about this michelle and not bother writing her to ask wtf happened.
Dr appointment tomorrow I will see if there is anything they can do to take the edge off my emotions. Ty everyone.
Like the deserts miss the rain…
I am going to get back my non polar gf michelle even if it kills me. She was the only one who made me forget bipolar girl and I’m not going to let this chance get away. I’m gonna steal her heart away from who ever this jackass is and I’m never going to ever let her go again. Failure is not an option.
More Richard skerrit, omg read the end, even he is looking for someone lol xx
This Excerpt:
Codependence and Love Report as Spam? Not.
To stop these mailings, click here.
[One “concept” that I have trouble with is called codependence. It troubles me because it seems to be a soft, amorphous taint applied to people who’ve been in troubled relationships. I hear people say, “Oh, I’m really codependent.” That might not be so bad, but how does one fix something that isn’t really ever defined?
One reason I think this is misleading is that there are more concrete psychological factors at work in most of us than “codependence”. Sometimes the idea of codependence helps people to realize that they play a role in their unhealthy relationships, and that they need to work to improve within themselves. This is helpful. But without some more concrete ideas, it’s hard to improve. In Tears and Healing, I deal with some: obligation, love, and not understanding the disease we’re interacting with.
In this essay, I talk about how I mistook my own desire to be loved back – to be appreciated by my partner – for being “codependent”. This essay, like most of Tears & Healing , focuses on you, understanding your feelings and needs, and getting a vision of what your life needs to be. Along with this, most everyone need to understand the disordered mental processes that lead to abusive behavior. I explain this, along with prospects for improvement, in Meaning from Madness. The third key for many people is to deal constructively with the need for love and the feelings of being in-love with someone who’s bad for. In Love and Loving It – Or Not! addresses this third element. Together they can empower you to understand your experience, form a vision for your future, and move toward that vision.
The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five of my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections. The Relationship Pack has the four books that deal with relationships with a disordered person: Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, and Tears & Healing Reflections. These come in softcover, e-book, and quick-pack editions.]
Codependence and Love
I was just listening to Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me. If you don’t know it, it can be summed up in one line: “I’m everything I am because you loved me.”
When I was in the depths of pain, this song really wrenched at me. I so much wanted to make her everything she is (unspecified her, at this point).
Later, as I learned more, I came to associate this feeling with codependence. That is, I thought it meant that I would only feel ok if there was someone out there who needed me for her to be ok. Well, one more problem to fix. After that, I made a real conscious effort to react to this song differently – by being aware that it was generating some feelings I thought were unhealthy and basically turning it off, at least mentally.
As you might have picked up, I’m a soft core Jungian, and I believe in a spirit within each of us that empowers us, provides our life energy, tries to guide us to be healthy, but struggles to communicate with our consciousness. The channel to my spirit that I discovered first was the channel of tears. When we experience something, usually something good, and we well up, this is a message from the spirit. There is something important, probably an unmet need, relating to that experience. You can read about this in the section Tears and Healing (p. 137).
I’ve since found another, much more controllable path to my spirit. It is through meditation. That is, in a safe and quite place, basically emptying my mind of the whirlwind of thoughts, putting a simple image in my awareness, and just being open to what is happening. If the image has to do with something important, my spirit responds with emotion. It may be a sustaining feeling, it may be tears, or it may be a sickening feeling in my stomach. This is the approach I used when I was in anguish about what to do with my marriage when my wife was slowly and methodically tearing me apart.
Another way of painting images in a meditative way is with music. In fact music connects with our spirit even without meditating, but by adding the quiet, safe space, I think I can get a much clearer picture of what my spirit is saying. And music was the channel by which I gained some better insight into what I thought was a codependent tendency in myself. Indeed, it was a LeAnn Rimes song, I Believe in You, that did this trick for me. This song’s message is about feelings toward someone that loves you: “your mercy has no end, you’re more than just a friend, it amazes me that you feel the way you do. I believe in you.” (I can’t even write these words without welling up, which gets back to the role that tears play.)
This song helped me sort some of this out. The spiritual issue here is NOT that I’m a codependent that needs someone to need me to be ok. The issue here is one of being appreciated for loving someone. I never felt that my wife really received or appreciated the love I gave her. No matter what I did, it usually not enough. Or when it was, the way she expressed her acceptance and appreciation was very mechanical and insincere.
I don’t know about you, but I really am a very loving person. And I loved my wife – and I mean in Peck’s sense of caring and working for her. For so many years, my love was unacknowledged – unaccepted at a level that my spirit, the true judge of right and wrong, could recognize. And when my spirit senses the imagery in these songs, of love received, accepted, appreciated, and that appreciation is expressed beautifully, it sends me a really clear message. I need that. I need someone that can accept my love and show me so.
So, something that looked on the surface like a maladjustment in what I needed from an intimate relationship turned out underneath to be a fundamental message of growth for me. I do need it, and it’s a healthy thing I need.
I’m still looking for that special person. I’m sure she’s here somewhere. Has anybody seen her around?
KOOL
michelle
u r a great inspiration to us
xmas cheers to you
bittersweet
xmas cheers right back at ya bittersweet. mwa.
i feel bit same as lost at the moment – depressed and stuff grrrrrrrrrrr xxxxxxx happy xmas all xxxxxx
Cheer up michelle your an awesome woman and a damn good person and don’t you or any of you woman on here feel down. Your all drop dead gorgeous.nothing like the ones I saw online last few days 😉 I turned off the internet date site. Looking at all those fugly woman on there was making me sick lol. Also shut off my yahoo instant message crap. I texted my pretty little michelle today asked her if she’s done with me now and to tell u the truth I was in a good state of mind. If she would have told me to go take a hike I would have been gone. Told her a few other things that prompted her to call me. Reminded her of the crazy fun shit we did. Once on the phone we talked about real deep stuff and kids and then finished off by making her laugh a little. I found out lots of things without her even knowing it. Only one thing that’s bothering me is she said she’s in a situation? Wtf is that? After the way she was talking today I hope she’s not married. Or he’s gonna miss her 😉
She’s gonna call me again tomorrow and maybe meet up. If we do meet. She’s mine. Back up and running again but tired and that’s a good thing cause I haven’t really slept much the last few days. I go to the witch Dr tomorrow and see what kinda crap he’s gonna want to get me hooked on. If this chick comes back itl be kool and I won’t need the meds but may take them this time anyway. Just to keep the edge off. No pills unil after I see michelle just in case they screw me up. Thank you Josie for showing that maybe I’m not nuts or just a touch of bpd. 🙂
So the plane goes pretty good today. If I stay on a roll with her I’ll keep my good mood and that’s a plus. The best thing in the world about a non bi polar.. Is they remember things and its awesome 🙂
Went to the Dr today and told him what’s been going on. He gave me a piece of paper with the name of a head shrink on it.
Texted michelle asked where she is told her I need to see her today. Asked where she is and she told me. I found her waiting in a parking lot for me. The most beautiful site that I have seen in a long time. She got out of her car and through her arms around me and with tears in her eyes told me she loves me. And I told her the very same thing. Its all still under wraps from the kids but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Just wanted you all to know I’m ok and just because I lost my bipolar girl it doesn’t mean I could not find someone else to fall in love with. And there will be no more running away for either of us. Love is waiting for us all. We just need to look for it.
Ps I through the shrinks card out of the car window. I’m thinking I won’t be needing it. I may be a little insain… But she loves me the way I am and that’s the way it needs to be.
Cool, my fiancee (wish) and I are happy to here that. Mine’s bouncing back as well, must be the season possibly. 3 days back on her meds has averted the spiraling death crash I though she was headed for. Xmas and New Yrs talk fill otherwise busy days. Headed to dinner, shopping trying to add one more of those simple memories to our book.
That’s kool. My xbp also woke up from her funk and now has a new happy fb picture up. Her with some old fart lmfao. Oh well what ever trips her trigger for the time being lol. Sure hope grandpa can handle it or there gonna be a new ghost in that haunted pad of hers 😉
Best wishes to all three of you guys. Bitter is the bomb! 🙂 take care of her or I’ll kill you. 😉
Umm you do know I’m only kidding right marky mark? I wouldn’t harm a hair on any of you peoples pretty lil heads. But I’ll sure as hell defend you. 🙂 incase you haven’t noticed I’m back to my make nice mode. And I’m lovin it!
MARK & LOST
Good news all round for you two then
Lost yours is powerful …am very impressed …
Mark hope your little day goes well …hope all is well for you both’
bring on 2011 guys
Regards bittersweet
Lost,
Words cannot express how happy I am for you!
You deserve this! You are a great guy and a great friend on this blog.
Bitter is “the bomb” as you said also. She is amazing!
Bittersweet, you deserve all the love and luck in the world!
May 2011 bring it on for all of you lovely people!
I love you guys!
Josie
Josie
you are a sweet darling who didnt deserve what happened to you …you have lost your man with dignity and pride
which is a dam side better than me …
I have stumbled for too long ….I thought love would solve the issues how wrong I was !!
Regards
Bittersweet
Bitter don’t feel bad. I too thought love was stronger then BP. It wasn’t and I did my best to convey those feelings to her. She knew I loved her with all my heart and soul. But she didn’t care. Now she’s sleeping with some old geriatric reptile looking thing. Wait till she snaps out of it this time lmfao. Can you say chew your arm off and run? Ohh and he’s really old…and he prob smells like cat pee and moth balls lol.
Everything seems to be going well for me at this point. terri seems more and more like her old self with each passing day. The real acid test will be whether she REALLY moves back at the end of the month, but I think that she will.
I love ALL of you people on this site and could not have made it to this point I am certain- without all of your help and wisdom. Sure, she hasn’t returned yet, but I feel it in my heart she is going to come back as promised. I owe everyone here that listened to my ramblings and rantings one HUGE thanks and I am eternally in all of your debt.
Terri has been calling me morning to night each and every day. She tells me that she loves me, appreciates me, etc…each call as well. I know that she isn’t seeing that boy anymore as she stays in contact with me so often that she would not have the time to…I guess I am her man- her one and only again and this makes me feel great.
I suppose that this Friday and Saturday when I spend it up there with her and our kids will give me more of an idea as to her true colors, but things look very good at this point.
I will update as things develop. Thank you all of you.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raan
Treat each day as a precious gift. Open your day kindly and gently. And take care of your gift for as long as you can.. The best that you can.
Raan
Sounds good just hang in there ol Buddy
cant really give any advice other than keep the dishes done !!! LOL
Lost
thankyou for your nice words …hope this girl is the ONE for you its taken its time but at least it seems to be happening now …let it take flight
regards u guys
bittersweet
Thank you bitter babe. She is the one for me. For better or worse she’s my girl and I think she always has been. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a room full of people. Yes I still love my bipolar sweetheart and would never want to see any harm come to her the time we had was special and I learned a lot about people.I look at life through different eyes then I had before. If her being around me causes her pain then I will not be there. I still have not completly decided against texting her a merry christmas but I think I may let it pass. When I went away a few weeks ago it was my awakening. I spent my last night in so much pain it was unbearable and who felt my pain and responded from a hundred miles away? It was my michelle. I told her tonight over the phone she is more to me then my lover she is my best friend. I never want to be without her again. I will learn to get my feelings under control and I’ll doit without drugs because I never want to lose the intence feelings that I have for her. She is just a woman and I’m just a man and after going through so much and being apart so long. Our hearts became one. I can be open and honest with her. Never walking on eggshells again careing and loving this woman is my duty now. She will be moving out of the Xbf house with in the week I hope. I will let her handle it her way. A woman knows best how to do these things. But if he lays one finger on her he will wish he was never born. But its almost christmas so we will not go there 😉 I love all you guys. Wish!BitterB!Raan!lovely michelle! Wyann? Trust! Marky mark and josie too! And anyone else who has been on these boards. Never forget panda the man showed me so much and helped me deal with so much. I’m always here for you all my best friends in the world. I wish you all the joy and love and respect that I can say. And a healthy and happy new year to you all and yours! XxxxxxOXooooO 13.
Did we all survive Xmas??? I’m looking forward to next friday when I’m drunk and ringing in 2011. My last night sauced forawhile.
Hey mark.
Its been quit the past few days everyone has been going off the deep end with the holidays. How’s things on the home front?
I decided against calling my xbp figured if its only going to mess her up why bother her. And she’s had long enough in her manic crap that if she felt forgiving she would have contacted me. Good thing she said she holds no bad feelings toward me lol.
Bob,
I got a story for ya but I gotta email it to ya.
Who the hell is bob? You mean me?
Who the hell is bob? You mean me? 🙂
Yea Bob, you Larry.
I’m being stalked so I have to pull a Raan and change my name
Lmfao I don’t think your stalker will catch on.:)
Want to hire a few ching o lings to watch your back? Lol. My christmas blows. I had the kids around three hrs and the x wife bitch came and took them. She’s not bipolar she’s just a bitch 😉
My wifes BP and a bitch. That was my favorite word the last yr we were together, maybe I’m just too sensative a guy. Seemed like everything that came out of her mouth was a bitch about something I f’ed up. My 16 yr old boy had more cooyones than me, he’d say “mom your fucking crazy” hey, I HAD to sleep with her, I’d never get away with that. Even he left a yr later. Yup, I’m getting blame for that as well.
mark
i feel for you
blame is their number one issue
even when the issue has no blame
they turn it into a blame game anyway
your like wtf did I say ? do ?
oh dear its not pretty sometimes
I guess all u can do is try to fix it with love 🙂
my 20cents worth
Bitter
Almost like doing the same experiment over and over and expecting a different result.
I thought love would win over bipolar but I was wrong.
When they love u they really do and when they hate you they really do.
And when they twist the story around and then believe that you really did some terrible thing to them they stay that way. And anything and everything can be twisted around even if it makes no sense. They refuse to ever walk on eggshells around us. But in reality its the people who care the most about them that they have walking on egg shells. Its a very tireing draining way to live. .
Everyone on here is so on the ball and from a certain point of view-VERY accurate. it cracks me up (raan who shall be known as as Eddywebb??)
I’m back from Nc, and overall, the trip went fairly well. She started off being TOTALLY distant, STILL is seeing Dusty regularly, but I caught her and busted her on it….no answer from her but denial…SURE. I don’t know what to say here but if I can get her to just come HOME, that will be the end of that.
I got booted off mid afternoon today, but to find out she was just really overwhelmed and I found this out by being a good detective. SURE< she lies about a few things and it's obvious. She had a great time as I did , but she sure seemed out of sorts.
She called 3 times since I left. The last one was just as sweet and loving as can be…apologised for her F'ups….said ALL the right things and if I can get her to stay in this state of mind until this coming weekend….I'll have her home. …PROBABLY.
Time will tell. When I left up there today, I had a bad feeling. Right now…after her three calls…I feel great.
Let's all pray that she keeps her word and shows up
Happy Holidays all.
Raan,
Well nobodys dead and you got a realistic view of whats really happening. Best you can do is take it day by day and make the most of things.
I was flinging Xmas gifts OUT da window of my car yesterday (long story) today I was looking to see if it was the expensive ones I donated to our highways.
BTW, we had a blast and the kids and I were living it up!!! Oh, I enjoyed them so….
I am really praying HARD that she keeps her word and shows up. She INSISTS that she IS coming home by next Saturday.
Gifts out of the window, eh??? I WON’T ask!!!
Got any suggestions on terri mark? You seemed pretty much on the mark last hard letter you wrote.
WHY she is still seeing this kid is beyond me…we are supposed to be back together…I dont’ think he is allowed to spend the night at her section 8 place anymore, but the kids told me she still sees him, and her Step dad told me RIGHT away when I got up there too. Dusty is NOT welcome in her mothers home any more. That’s a plus…
He wrote I love Terri all over her dash and she tried to paint over it with black paint….you can STILL read it. CLEARLY, she still sees him. I think it’s his way of rubbing my nose in it so to speak.
IF I CAN JUST GET HER HOME!!!
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
RAAN
she must of told him about you surely
one has to wonder what she said tho ??
no suggestions either way really its too complex
regards
Bitter sweet
Mark I could use a new electric tooth brush if your throwing one out.
Raan just hang in there your doing about as good as you can. Its illegal to do what I’m thinking so I have no ideas on how to get her down other then her wanting out of that hell hole.
Bitter your still the babe. Stay cute and sweet.
I got a jar of Alfredo sauce and a can of sardines and a jar of peanut butter for christmas. Wtf? Ohh well maybe for new yrs a loaf of bread would be nice. Retarded christmas for everyone I guess lol.
Oh and I’m still the (other) man. Hope I can get her back to me by new yrs. She told me she’s ignoring him and spending as much time at her mothers as possible and just going to sleep without any funny stuff going on. She has her own room.
She was still waering my ring when I went up there…what is this, like-a woman having two boyfriends and they know about each other?
ridiculous!
It’s snowing here today….wow.
Raan,
These are the boundaries you gotta start setting for 2 reasons. 1) It’s normal and healthy and 2) to keep your sanity. Terri cant see this puppy,she has to decide if she is with you or not and I don’t wanta hear how you don’t wanta rock the boat and lose her. It is like reparenting a child, I know bad analogy, but you gotta tell her what you expect and are going to put up with. Seeing this other person is not normal and healthy if she is going to make a life with you and the kids. This is where we often let the BP’s distort “reality”, we let them dictate what normal and healthy is until we are the ones doubting our sanity and then we’re getting the blame for their chaos!
My life was full of this bs and I pretended it was norm or her just being quirky, well it aint and its not going to make things last or get better. You really gotta have a good handle on what you want in the relationship and sometimes thats not something people really know, nevermind their life. So, if you dont want her with somebody else, you better tell her, you better make a big f ing stink about it so she understands. And if she dont well, there’s 5 billion other lovely ladys in the world and there waiting for good guys like you to come back on the market.
It is that simple
Reason why I’m suggesting you have these start BEFORE she comes home is you’ll know right away where you stand. You want her talking to this kid? You want her thinking its ok to have a relationship with this kid? Cmon, lets not for one fing second let her believe its ok. Like I said earlier, not the subject we wanted to talk about but if you were having sex with a 17 yr old girl and then moving back with Terri, what would the world be thinking, what would she be thinking. Oh yea, we’re talking because I’m helping her with her school work. Be real, be upfront,hey in know its hard, I f’d it up, that why I can tell you. You’ll know real fast the life you’re in store for and you dont want to do that when shes home, then where is she headed with crusty? Leaving you with the kids.
Fricking blizzard here lmfao this sucks so bad!
But I’m in a good mood so I don’t care 😉
as soom as I get her home, that’s EXACTLY what I am doing mark…setting boundaries.
‘
Hi Raan,
Although I agree with Mark about setting boundaries, I would wait until you have her back at home Raan. If you tell her now, before she comes home, she may not come home. It’s just about what your desired outcome is. I would honestly wait to set boundaries until you have her back home for sure.
Better do it BEFORE she comes home or things will be crazy to say the least. She’ll think its ok to talk to em, bs like that. I used to be non confrontational, now, I’m like f it. Had a battle today telling my girl, you got a mirror? She said why, I said when things get f up’d look in that mirror, that’s the person to BLAME. You make poor choices I told her and sometimes you do it on purpose. You aint fooling me, you wanta make a mess, knock yourself the f out, but clean it up, dont f ing call me no more and bitch about it.
I am going to wait until she gets HOME or she will probably cave in…I WILL be FIRM about what I expect in our relationship and I will tell her if you can’t handle what I expect (and she should expect the same from me-no cheating, running off, lying)…the disappear now.
I am REALLY hoping that she can handle this and doesn’t just get back in the car and leave after telling her what I expect.
She has a migrane today and has been calling little. She sounds like shit, and exhausted. I HOPE that this goes away quickly, as she doesn’t handle following thru with things when she has migranes.
yes YES yes Mark go son …!! ‘that is how I would approach it too i think raan xx
Lost blizzard !!
We have Noahs Freaken Arc here man worst floods in 40 years ..been cyclonic rain for 2 weeks non stop…cars aint driving down the road they are sailing past lol xx
josie hi ,,xx
Mark this has been my recent approach too with my xbP fiesty stuff isnt it …keeps you on the ball and keeps the melon in tip top shape these mind puzzles lol
Raan when u love the unlovable there are times when u do have to become unlovable yourself ..yes sweetie pie doesnt cut it in these relationships …its challenge sometimes that really you need an honors degree in psychology to complete
Mark is very correct on the boundary keeper …they screw up time after time almost daily sometimes
Good luck …bad weather here too EXTREME
I just got F*cked over by terri…called and told me that she was coming home, but is not in love with anymore and is doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Wants to go up North to her mom’s each weekend on my dime, (still do her lil boytoy in the process???) and we’ll tell everyone that we are boyfriend/girlftiend, but she isn’t…told me that the sex was better with Crusty and honestly would rather be with him, but is doing this so my Dad doesn’t kick me out of the house and for the kids sake. She said, we’ll take it slow and see whay happens…but she is not “in” love with me anymore…Oh! and get this…when she was down here several weeks ago and we had sex, she said she “faked” it…didn’t feel anything.
Did she say all this “I want to get back together ” crap just to get money out of me for Xmas???
She promises that she IS coming home…for real, but now wants to wait two more weeks after the end of the month cuz her mom asked her to stay because she is having her surgery then. I told her I want terri to keep her word and come home by the end of the month as she promised, but I told her to make the decision. She is going to call later…won’t answer the 4 calls I’ve made since over the last hour…
Don’t know if i should just say F*ck off or try and win her back.
She DID say she will keep an open mind, but if her heart is with another man…what’s the point?
She wants her cake and eat it too….F’ing BEE-otch!
ANY SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE???? HELP ME OUT HERE ASAP!!!!
AM I JUST BEING PUT IN THE “SUGAR DADDY” SPOT?
IS THIS HER WAY OF SAYING YOU TAKE CARE OF ME AND THE KIDS, AND LET ME GO UP TO MY MOM’S EVERY WEEKEND **WITHOUT YOU** SO I CAN GO DUCK MY BOYTOY????
WTF????
PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS!!!! I AM SO F’ing PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!!
Oh! get this! I am being blamed for this decision partiaLLY BECAUSE i don’t trust her!!!!! Like **I** did anything wrong!
She did say she would rather be with Crusty because the sex is better….wtf!
Am I totally wasting my time here?
Raan
just got home
Now you play hard buddy boy
this is the time you hit her with the boundaries mark suggested …Only On your terms does miss terri come back not on her own, and certainly not being able to fuk someone else.
‘ u can come back terri .. but only if you play nicely ‘
( withdraw all privaleges immediately primarliy the funds you are providing )
tell her its ok to come back ( ignore the comments about the sex .) ..she is trying to bluff you, and force your hand,
she knows from when she told u before about the lousy sex and the dirty dishes that u will do anything for her to get her back ..Remember what I said to you about playing CHESS Raan
she is trying
to get you scared so you will do what she wants she is going to use you to a degree she is just being polite about it …they are always so polite about screwing you over .
regards Bitter
Since Terri said she would rather be with Crusty because the sex is better, but is going to come back anyway for the KIDS SAKE and because it’s the RIGHT THING TO DO…
This is already a load of BS…IF she would rather be with someone else, then she would NOT come back. She IS bluffing me to try and get her way….I know this.
Now, HOW to make this work…..
***I am going to say something like this:
Terri, you can ALWAYS expect me to be 100% faithful, honest, loyal, respectful, devoted, and TRUSTWORTHY
***I expect the SAME from YOU…always.
I expect you to keep your word and that includes you coming home as you promised by the end of tjis month.
You can bank on me keeping MY word as well, and that includes the weekly NC trips to visit Mama. We will go as a Family, and it has NOTHING to do with trust in my wanting to come along. If I didn’t trust you, I would NOT want to be with you. IF that’s an issue to you…thinking I do not trust you, then by all means….show me that you ARE trustworthy…ask me to come along to visit your Mom regularly…I am sure somewhere along the line I’ll want to spend a weekend in Aiken vs. going up there each week.
It sounds like you want to go up to NC and “do your own thing” without me regularly. Terri, you know I love you, but I will NOT put up with you seeing someone else while trying to “start over” with me. I am NOT some”Sugar Daddy” that you can go away on every weekend so you can do what you want and have me waiting on the sidelines until you decide it’s time to come home.
You claim that you want to START OVER, and take it slow….OKAY….we both need to be 100% committed to each other in order to do that. We will have nothing but problems and resentment down the road unless we’re both into giving it are all. I am CERTAIN that I will make you happy and hope you will do the same for me.
Sex wise, NOT TO WORRY! You will get more than what you want and need…that’s a fact. I’ll romance and woo you more than you could hope for and I hope you will do the same for me.
I appreciate you wanting to help me keep this house, but I want you to WANT ME …WANT to come back because you WANT to…not because of losing this hoiuse…it’s YOUR house too, but our HAPPINESS and our relationship…THAT’S what’s is more important.
I have NO doubt this will work for BOTH of us….but it takes TWO to tango baby.
I want you to come back…give this a chance and give it your ALL. You won’t regret it I am sure. Help our love grow again by doing what is right as you put it and let’s start moving forward again. You can count on me and I need to be able to count on you….I love you baby.
————————————————————–
What do you think??? Too long? Too sappy?
I wonder when she will call me again. She didn’t call me back as she said she would tonight. Flaky BP woman!
SUGGESTIONS??? HELP!!! plzzzzzzzzzzz
I am SO F’ing PISSED right now…can’t sleep.
Today is going to be REALLY rough trying to work and stay focused. Grrrrrr.
raan
am sorry this is happening but inevitably she will do what she wants ..boundaries are great for those who respect them but teri runs her own race
she will use manipulation to get her way and u will be exhausted from continually having to doubt is she being honest and reliable
its always going to be a hard road until she gets medicated properly and she doesn sound like she is resistence is useless with these people the more she resists the more she will obsess about having what she wants ….the disease of no logic remember
if you cant handle sharing her then maybe an unlovable approach will work better until you get strong again
she will wear you down my friend thay have an uncanny
way of succeeding in doing that
regards bitter
Bitter…does this come down to: I have to SHARE her with some guy to be with her?
Sounds like I do all of the hard work/support her and the kids -then weekend comes along, terri bails.. and he gets to just blow his load in her while I sit at home alone waiting for her to come back…
is this what she wants me to do? Sounds like it.
I feel like she KNEW what she was doing…USED me…Not at all interested in getting back together, although she claims we ARE still starting over.
What ever that means…
Do I have any chance that my “boundaries” will be accepted and that she will give it a try? OR, is she going to likely just say screw it…I’ll stay up here-
even after PROMISING that she would not pull this crap…
I am not totally surprised here…this was a possible outcome. I knew this, but—
she REALLY had me sold.
Is she even planning on on following thru with coming back at all…EVEN WERE I to go along with the sugar daddy part time lover-sharing her with another role??
I can’t believe she told me all of this crap after being SO SWEET after Christmas…telling me how I make her sparkle, Misses me after I just left so much, loves me , can’t wait to come back home, etc, etc, etc….
WTF????
Raan,
Friend, brotherman, sorry. I was praying I was wrong.
The plan unfolding has been in the works for a month. It is indeed meant for you to take care of her 5 days a week and then give her money to go spend the weekends with crusty. Far as the sex thing, dont take that personally. Beleive me when I say this she gets bored with his routine too, shes ADHD and is bored easily, very very easily. THIS is exactly the kind of drama they create on purpose.
Now is boundary time. I’d tell her that you’ve thought twice about it and coming home is not a good idea right now. When she says why?, say, you’re not well. You need to see a doctor , get on some meds and therapy and get well.
LISTEN and I MEAN FUCKING LISTEN…. Is this the life you want???? I mean the pit and knot in the bottom of your stomach right now???? IS this the way you want to live everyday???? Wondering ? is she home? IS she fucking crusty? Does she REALLY love you? Shes not capable of real love right now, she sick, shes MENTALY ILL. YOu get past that, you got a shot and I MEAN YOU first. Not her.
She is going to suck the money, the breath, the life right out of ya.
You push back now, your going to save yourself FIRST which is what you gotta do RIGHT NOW. Other wise its over the cliff.
Raan.
See what she tells you. You make her sparkle! Its these words they say to all of us here. Its these words that they use that have killed all of us here. That’s why we are drawn to them. We want to believe this. But its not true! You cannot have it both ways and neither can she. You make the boundries you will live by. If not. Cut her loose and see if love brings her back. It won’t. But having no money might. I am dealing in a very bad situation now. Michelles with me. I picked her up at her mothers in the blizzard yesterday. Her bf showed up and he did not confront me. He standed back. I’m worried now because things were told to this guy by her son that I know enraged him. He feels hopeless and lost and I think will try to kill me today. I will try to defuse the situation but I don’t think it will work. I will be packing some heat for protection but I have nothing but bad feelings about today. If u don’t here from me in the next few days I may be hurt or killed. Love u guys. Take care and say a prayer wish me luck.
Raan
they want what they cant have …its as simple as that
if you put yourself in a position where she thinks she has lost you …you may stand a chance of her coming back
I know you are very confused by all the advice you have received
you are trying to be supportive to terri etc
but is this method working ….or does she need money ??
is it you she wants …this is what you need to know
and can u ever ever trust her again ??
regards
Bitter
Well this ought to make some people happy. Any bipolar assholes out there care to join in? I got fucked again. Picked up the x bitch banged her for two days then went to her mothers where the xbf showed up. Offered him a chance to take his woman back from me he wouldn’t raise up so he slithered away brought her home banged her but good again went to work and left early and when I got there the fucking bitch told me to take a seat and told me she’s going back to this broken down bald headed pussy mother fucker. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with his bull shit or wast a cap on his dirty ass. Story of my fucking like done dirty again by a bimbo. Now I know why there are so many fucking faggots around. Where is the fucking pride here people?
I’m gonna have to start charging for this shit lmfao. Ok who’s next?
Oh and this really really sucks!
Any people left out there who aren’t fucked up? It really bothers me how so many people I meet can turn on and off there emotions like flicking a fucking switch.
Where the fuck can I get some of that shit? Wtf? I’m outta my fucking mind and everyone I meet is retarded.wtf? wtf? wtf? Has everyone eaten lead paint chips or something?
Sorry people. But there is just no way for me to be feeling nice after getting dumped again. I’m not into all this casual sex crap.
lost sorry about what has happened to you
it is the dating game i hear not very nice at all for some
of us
perhaps you are still so raw from the xbP that you need time to heal
it will be ok just get back to your old self and it will sort itself out
regards Bittersweet
It was more then a casual date. This is the woman that I fell in love with after the bipolar chick. I broke off with her because I had got scared she would leave me at some unknown future date. We been carrying on a online and phone affair the past month getting hot and heavy. I picked her up and she wanted me to marry her. I gave her a promise ring. She went back to a man she don’t love. Now will this old fool be that much of a idiot to keep her? The womans body didnþ lie neither did the look in her eyes as I made love to her. Some things u just cannot fake. Or atleast I hope not. She told everyone her kids and her mom who I met for the first time that we are getting married. All gone again. My lifes meant to be full of pain?
My first New Yrs off in quite a number of years. All the best everyone tommorrow. Be safe. Let’s hope for some better tales to tell in 2011. Thanks for all your suppport and friendship.
Mark
formerlyknownasmark
still got my stalker
HEY EVERYONE
NEW YEARS EVE HERE IN OZ
Hope you all have a great night !!!
Now Listen Up
all stalkers , spouses of bP’s and long suffering on again off again spouses of bP,s , friends , family and codependants
We are all fabulous , loving , kind souls who deserve some recognition for our efforts past , present, and future ( not )
so lets open our hearts and not let the pain in ..!!LOL
Good Luck to all of you fellow friends for 01/01/11
regards Bittersweet
My girlfriend (a bipolar sufferer) has just told me she doesn’t love me any more. That I disgust her. Physically. She doesn’t even find me attractive. Doesn’t fancy me. Doesn’t want me. I will never touch her again. That it’s over. I will never touch her again. I am in pieces, torn apart, baffled and frustrated, devastated. I don’t know what to do. I have tried so hard to be everything she wants me to be. I have totally changed my whole life. I am almost cut off from anyone and everyone I know, my friends etc. I am so different now after changing for her, because she tells me she has problems with things about me, that I don’t even know who I am any more. She is acting like we never have anything good in our relationship when only a day and a half ago, before this started to escalate into what it has tonight, we were cuddling and kissing and happy and she was telling me she loves me. I don’t understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. I am so scared. I love her so much. I just want to hold her and be with her but I have to sleep downstairs now. She can;t be reasoned with or spoken to about it. About anything. It’s like nothing ever mattered between us and she could just give it up and never hear from me again and not even care at all. How can someone want to say things like that to someone they love or are supposed to love?! I would rather be cheated on than go through pain. It’s like torture. Abuse even. I live my life walking on eggshells incase I do something to trigger her into these states yet it happens anyway. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. That I have been made a fool of. I feel sick. Literally, feel sick. My stomach feels horrible. Warm and sickly inside. My head feels buzzy. My limbs do. It feels like shock. I don’t know what to do.
MARK
am so sorry this is happening to you …what can we do to help you ..
look she will swing back again ..try not to take it all too seriously …you know they do this love/ hate thing
you just cant love the bad out of them …just hold fast and agree with her but set boundaries as well
you cant weaken now she has got you at a weak moment
you dropped your guard , you are human ..we can only keep the armor on for so long
look just stay calm ..and she will Eventually come around
cheers Bitter here to help
Bitter,
Glad you think of me 24/7. LOL, but thats Mick there. My BP’s still in line, at least for tonight. New Yrs, ahhh, thats going to be a different story for Saturday.
Bittersweet, I hope and pray that you are right, I love and miss my wife so much. Do they always come back home ?
Well, Mick. In 1 paragraph you’ve summed life with a Bi Polar loved one.
Is she on any BP meds now? Doesn’t sound like it.
Try not to take the I don’t love you’s personally, thats the bottom of the ride she is on. The up part you described was just a few days ago. Shes going to bounce up and down unless she gets medicated, thats the beast of BP.
Best thing you can do, is when the time is right, you gotta tell her shes ill, its not her fault, but she needs to get help. I know it maybe the hardest conversation you ever have with her and it may just last 2 mins before she blows, but you gotta do it.
Read what you can on the subject and don’t hesistate to ask questions or anything. We’ve all been on the ride your on, you’ll find some good support and feedback here.
sorry I meant MICK
OK, just for laughs. If I post my issues and then answer them under a different name, am I my stalker??? Sorry,I couldn’t help it. LOL
Mark
formerlyknownasmark
MICK/MARK
party tricks already
yipee
No, I apologize, I was trying to add humor to that confusion. Poor taste in hindsight. Mick is real and someone different.
didnt fool me
haha
Yeah, I’m real. She’s going to wake up soon and I’m scared. Scared of what she’s going to say or do. Scared of how i will react. will I go into myself and hide away like she is right? Is that going to do any good? for her or myself? will I try to bring her round? Explain? Try to talk to her? Will i get angry at the evil, vile, vicious things she says and shout at her, hoping to wake her from this nightmare, this ‘bad spell’, this uncontrollable urge to hurt me? It’s the uncertainty that frightening. And @ Mark, yes, she is on medication. She is now on Venlafaxine. She has changed her medication a few times since we have been together. This one seems to make her more out-of-control than ever. It seems to make her not care about anything at all and block out what’s real to scult the world around her into something more easy to handle which i suppose is why she is still taking them. At first she was on Citalopram. She stopped those then after while started taking them again. She had a problem with them (though I think now with hindsight that they made her much more down to earth, but, she’s the one with the illness and she knows what she wants to feel so how I feel about what her meds are doing for her isn’t important, it’s how SHE feels and what they are doing for HER ultimately). She went from Citalopram to Prozac. Still the same really. She still had these spells of non-reality where she would say things that weren’t true but as if they were absolute reality. Now these Venlafaxine are pretty much same again. Maybe her mood swings and detachment from reality is worse than before. What I guess I am saying is, none of them have worked. She hasn’t stabilized on any of them. She takes them for quite a while too so they are fully into her system yet they have little or no effect. Today i am probably going to be kicked out of the house. Back to my parents. I hate this life. Things should be great right now. A new, pretty decent paid, job starting at the beginning of the New Year. We had plans. I have no plans without her. My dreams and hopes ARE HER! There’s a stirring upstairs. Got to go. If she knew I was here talking to people about this, about her, I dread to think of the fallout from it. Bye. </3
Mark
google
ssri’s wrecked my marriage ‘
that venlafaxine killed my relationship
he had no feelings at all on that stuff it screwed us totally
cheers bitter
I have looked up those drugs. I am shocked. Disgusted even. Firstly that these drugs are being offered to people as ‘help’ for an illness which ruins the sufferes lives through anguish and pain and the worst depression imaginable when all the time they are just masking the effects of the illness, not curing or alleviating, just hiding what is real. how can this be considered help? Do they expect the sufferer to be on this medication for their whole lives so that they don’t wake up and see the destruction they have caused whilst under the influence of the drugs prescribed to help them? It could absolutely DESTROY them and push them over the edge for these people, these sufferers, to realise what they have done and caused and what they have lost because of this ‘drug’. Secondly, less important in the whole ‘big picture’ scenario is the fact that I actually KNOW I am right. That it IS these drugs. She wasn’t like this! It’s so frustrating to know that deep down inside she actually KNOWS this HERSELF and it’s being hidden away with the depression and anxiety that she hates so much. I need to find a way to show her these things I’ve seen without sending her into an angry, soul-crushing hate-rage against me. I only want to help. I want to help more than these so-called ‘Doctors’ and ‘Professionals’ that are ‘supposed’ to be helping her. the fact is she has even TOLD me HERSELF that she feels the ‘doctors’ etc. do not do enough and seem to just want to medicate her with one thing to the next, without real aim or objective, but that of if we throw enough stones one of them will hit the mark! Hit and hope tactics and trial and error strategies being played with the lives of our loved ones. It makes me sick. I havent much time. i feel time is running out. that the longer it goes on the more she is starting to believe the things that she thinks are true. It becomes more and more real to her. Until it goes too far. I dont think i could handle that. i forgot to mention that I too am a depression sufferer. Not bipolar, my depression isn’t as serious as hers, and TO HER my depression is actually non-existant and totally unworthy of thought or mention. I got off Citalopram around 6 months ago or something. I felt, myself, that they were more harm than good. That, while helping me too handle life in some ways, it was destroying the true fiber of me and what makes me who I am. I had a failed suicide attempt a year or two ago, was caught in the act by my Father, that was my lowest point ever. I dont want to go back to the dark place I was in then. This could potentially send me there and ultimately end me. Why does this have to be?! I just want her to see the truth! The REAL!!!!! 😥
ever since we started putting Terri on SSRI’s, she has been TOTALLY F’ed up and NOT herself….I feel that this is the REAL reason we are having problems…seriously.
IF I can get her back home as she promised Mid – January at this point—
I am going to get her OFF those blasted SSRI’s completely….
I don’t know what to try afterward, but even if she takes NOTHING…it will be better than that crap she takes now…
Raan Mick Mark
there is a herbal supplement they can try ( and no its not cannabis ) its called 5HTP herbal bipolar product
some bipolars are on it …and claim it to be ok
am not sure if it works for severe bP 1 but it is a try option
and yes they do believe what they think at the time
i am currently being blamed for something that happened 3 years ago because in his mind he was told a different story to mine he believed those people over my pleas and that was all it took… anothers story over mine …loyalty and sin dont mix ….so they convince themselves its u …that u are to blame ( the enermy )
then when they run off with some insuspecting other victim .. pretty soon that person then becomes the enermy and u r the good one again ..depending on time , the moment , and their state of mind the spouse can go from being a saint to a monster in their eyes.
then throw in some ssri’s and the fun really starts
regards
Bitter
Mick,
I am sorrry you are going thru this traumatic experience that you are enduring right now. Believe me…I KNOW what you are going through. We all do on here. My BP mate is off right now for about 5 months gone and out there in la-la land episode -ville even now. She is SUPPOSED to be coming home in two more weeks…well, don’t get me started there.
Needless to say my friend, you need to stay as calm as possible- it’s very unlikely YOU did anything wrong. I am in the exact same boat as you are in.
these Bipolar bears are straight tripping when they get off balance brain chemistry wise, and you either have to grin and take it or, just walk away and don’t look back. Trying to get them to reason with you, or convince them of anything is a total waste of time when they are episoding. Just get information….shoot, read anyone’s story on here…they all sound alike. Read my situation if you want a tragic story to read into. it’s ALL on here. I hold nothing back.
get stable. get informed. work on your emotions. Get yourself centered. best of luck to you. I hope my situation works out and I’ll know in a few weeks…as I would like to let you people on here know that it CAN be worked out, but it’s a Mother F’er to deal with. Drains the life out of you if you try and work things out.
Hang in there – it will get better, but it might get worse before that happens…so be strong!
I have always assumed it was her illness that was out of control at given moments, but having thought about it, and this is fact….
the very first time Terri went all episoding was in January. Hmmmm. Coincidence that this was the exact date she started taking SSRI’s?????/
She came back about 3 weeks ago…started seeming like her old self a week or two prior to coming back day by day. Come to find out, she stopped taking SSRI’s two weeks prior to coming back….
Now, I gave her money to get meds on the 7th. She started taking them again.Within a week, I noticed her starting to slip back into her old ways like she acts while episoding and you know what? 3 weeks after taking them, I get the “I will always love you but I’m not IN love with you anymore” crap she says when on an episode.
I am certain the illness makes her life difficult, but google “SSRI’s wrecked my marriage” or something similar, and you’ll find many other people think it’s these meds that make BP’s worse in some individuals.
As of reading this blog this last week and doing some research on SSRI’s…I am starting to think it is mainly the meds she is taking that is the core problem here (along with being bipolar obviously)
I am going to look into that herbal supplement once (if) i get her home.
We never had ANY problems with our relationship whatsoever until SSRI’s were in her. THAT also explains why she doesn’t “feel” in love anymore with me…she’s NUMB from that crap….it always adds to her not giving a crap about what she is doing and her “cheating”
I am starting to lean towards it’s mainly the MEDS that are giving us the problems and NOT the illness as much.
I am eager to find out how she does if I can get her off these meds.
Raan
I dont know what to say to you for once ..
am not an expert ..its something you cant bring back with love
they are the unlovable
but wish you well
remember CHESS
regards bittersweet
And if you let this shit go on to long it will screw you up to the point that you may have a hard time continueing into a normal relationship with a none bipolar. You will become conditioned to the ups and downs and the head games. I am having a hell of a time and I am full of trust issiues. So I’m all fucked up now and she’s gone and not even remembering who I am. I will never knowingly date one of these cold hearted assholes again.
Lost
everyone here would agree with you in one way or another
🙂
Yup, these relationships do mess you up so bad at times you in turn f up other relationships which other wise may have gone off without a problem. It’s like you get to a comfortable point with them and you blink thinking “am I going to get it in the ass here” and its thats hesistation that gets things off track.
Is it me or are all the top ten pop songs full of or about BP people or relationships. I here the word “crazy” in em all day now. Or is that me cracking my final egg?
Things have gone from really bad to REALLY really bad.
Got a call today from Terri’s step dad…he came home New years eve in the middle of the night after work and found Terri and timmy the crackhead in bed together. called the cops on Timmy, they would not press charges on timmy with out pressing charges on her. She has been really distant the last 3 days-claims she was really “sick’….
Crusty was literally sent home crying to his mama.
I got so fed up, I called terri and laid into her something fierce.
told her i am not putting up with thge lies anymore, that I KNOW what she is up to…that I know she is with Timmy, and that she needs to pack her shit up and keep her word-do the right thj=ing and get her ass home as promised…If not, I am going to do what I am going to do and I am pissed and she is NOT going to like it.
I was livid and pulled no punches. She was so not caring about anything…her actions, that her Mom doesn’t want her on her property now….she said she was going to come home but not now…changed her tune after I got int o all of the BS she has been pulling and put everything in perspective. I pulled NO punches.
Near the end of the conversation, she said I am going to do whatever I want until I get home, and THEN you can keep tabs on me but until then, let her do whatever she wants…
I said turn the tables, would YOU like this were I do it to you? She said NO, I would not.
Claims she’ll be back, but I doubt it.
Good news is..she is broke, has no support from her family now, and it’s all going to come crashing down on her finally. I have no doubt. timmy is at least predictable…he WILL screw her over and SOON>
I am going to give her until the 15th, and do what I need to then if she doesn’t come home.
more took place, but that’s the gist of it all…
I am so sad and upset right now.
I am going to leave her be and let her fall….
SUGGESTIONS???
Let her crash down in this cycle, but make sure crusty gets the rage associated with it. ANYTIME she starts shit with you, tell her call crusty, he’s the ahole to blame. Anytime she starts bitching, tell her call crusty. She using up all her resources.
Tell me again WHY the cops were called??????
raan
bad to worse …sheesh we were waiting to see what she was going to pull next …
there is always a set of rules for them and a set for you ..if you do what they do back to them, they dont like it
you are there to serve her the way she wants it ….HER way
even if she is on the ‘ dont care tabs ‘ she still breathes my friend she still knows which way is up …she is using you raan
she wants something from you …take that away and she will be gone ..you will lose her too …if its the money or the roof over her head
she wants that and she knows u want her so she will PLAY the F…….g game till she gets what she wants ..
you cant love the unloveable ..
they are extremists ..even when you are looking at her blank in the face she will lie to you
she has convinced herself now that this is all your fault she is in this situation …and u now owe her big time
then this parallels with her coming home so she can justify using u to get pay back for what you have done
that is why she sleeps with timmy ..to get back at u
because all of this is your fault. you didnt help her clean the dishes …
even tho u havent done anything but support her she will use whatever she deludes herself to burn you
welcome to the rollercoaster ride from hell ..they are like children in this deluded state
those poor bloody kids ..especially the boys ..god i hope she loves them enough not to keep doing this…its so wrong they need stability …your life is becoming a nightmare
you have to take control …cut the lovey dovey stuff and shoot to the core …hit her where it is going to hurt
DONT give her money and do make her feel guilty about those poor bloody kids …
TOUGH LOVE my friend ..
xx Bitter
the cops were called because she broke into her mom’s house…brought timmy the crackhead into her mom’s house. he is not wanted there.
now SHE isn’t allowed there.
she is at the end of her rope…
what do I do Mark? Elaborate please?
Bud, you gotta let her crash. She wont learn any other way. I know the instinct is to try and save her thinking she’ll finally love you for doing that but shes ill. Thats the bottom line right now. I saw the med post, she may be having med issues, but she HAS to be on meds. Like I posted all the last yr, we went thru 10 cycles and aman was it draining. The last one I really thought I was going to walk away. Someone told me true love is unconditional. So, I hung around for one more pass and the last 6 months have been survivable. I had to start telling her to her face, your ill, lets get better, its NOT your fault, you didnt ask for this, but we gotta deal with it or your going to be on da street. When they’re spinning, they dont care, its the extreme of the illness. You gotta set your boundaries now because you gotta take care iof yourself first. You really do, dont be a matyr, I tried, just hurt me and I could n’t help her.
Might think about the arrangments for the kids at the top of the list too. Where are they now??
Bitter,
she got mad at me today for ever bringing up- look what this is doing to the kids….
I came back with -I haven’t said anything about it for quite some time except how happy they were when they cam back a month ago…
SHE said she was coming back for the kids and because it was the right thing to do…I am just holding her to it…
Do you REALLY think she is doing all of this crap to PUNISH me???
I cannot even fathom whatsoever she wants to be with this total loser anyway…maybe you are spot on…?
She still claims she is coming home…I seriously doubt it, but why else would she say this after I dug into her today? The money has stopped…I’m fed up….I see no reason shy she would say this unless it were true as she has nothing to gain from it otherwise.
Her resources are GONE> Timmy wiill take ANYTHING she has for drugs…he will eventually assault her or worse…It only took two weeks in January last year and she called me in tears…
Just ignore her? Give her until the 15th and see if she keeps her word, and then what? Start playing hardball?
They rage at people who are close to them, people who PUT UP with it. Don’t put up with it anymore. Yea, your going piss her off, who cares. Yea, shes going to get f ing mad when you tell her right to her face she IS MENTALY ILL. But you also tell her, you care and understand and want her to get better.
One of the biggest hurdles I had to face and tore me up was she didnt want help she didnt WANT to get better. And the pysch facilitys said……..nothing you can do. SHE has to want it, you can want all day sunday and it dont mean jack.
Part of all the drama is their way of crying for help. They lit fire after fire to get attention and believe me this is where they use there ilness as a crutch to be a bitch. They KNOW exactly what they are doing. This bs with crusty, she understands but just doesn’t give a fuck. Hey she dont care why should you care??? Kids are the tragedy in all this, you may wanta switch focus, blow her off save the kids.
raan
she gets angry cause anger is guilt !!
she does have a conscience in amongst all of those mind games ..
somewhere deep inside somethings got a hold of her.. and its pushing you aside it goes on forever .. ( tim finn )
we all here want you to make it but u are too involved
u have to save yourself first
its not what she says ..its what she does
what does she say to timmy when she is f….g him , u would not want to know …dont you think she would be saying things to him ..
why is he still there then ?? because she wants him there ..he stays because she tells him to stay ..he is the victim in all of this u know …u and him & the kids are the victims of her games
first she says its because her mothers is sick , then its her foot, then its her back ..now something else
she is playing you mate
she knows u want her
when they know this it becomes dangerous ..because then they know they can do whatever they want and u will be waiting with open arms
when that door closes she gets nasty ..then its all your fault …!!
I told you ..save yourself first …take the ‘dont care’ pills yourself …if u have to. but dont tell her u want her ..!! or are waiting for her because then she will use this to her most advantage …tell her anything ..tell her u met someone else now and u are having 2nd thoughts about her coming home ‘
you have to outsmart her somehow …
then when she bites ..take hold and give her an ultimatum …
cheers bitter xx
Raan,
Sweets right. You turn a deaf eye and ear to her for awhile, it will knock her on the floor trying to figure out whats going on. Comments like I dont have time for your psychotic bs today, I got a date to get ready for bitch.
it is a game, its sad to say. until they get better and really understand, thats where the congitive therapy comes in, making better choices. Shes making bad choices cause it gets her attention, stop giving the attention, you’ll get her attention, then you lay down rules. She dont listen, theres the door, I got other people who want be with me.
I feel sick to my stomach. I am angry, hurt, confused….
The advise I have been getting all seems consistent. I suppose she keeps doing what she is doing becuase I care…plain and simple…?
I am not calling her. I am supposed to make sure she wakes up tomorrow at 6 am with a phone call. I am not going to call. She’ll wonder what happened? I always do what I say I am going to do….will this help? hmmm.
What you folks are telling me runs a risk….pushuing her away further, but loving her doesn’t seem to get much done except being used by her. She KNOWS I love her and she uses it against me vs. giving it back like normal people do.
I am shaky…it sucks. I feel anxiety ridden.
I suppose that I ought to be grateful that she is with Timmy now. He is consistent…a USER (drugs and steals) and he’ll take what little she has. He will F her over and probably soon.
If terri thinks I am totally fed up and by disappearing now, she MIGHT just start to woorry that the ONLY man that has been there and cares is gone and that…hopefully MAY turn the tides a tad…?
I am going to just ignore her until the 15th.;..see if she keeps her word. After, I am goingto get nasty and do what Mark says…tell her I am tired of her BS and say I am seeing someone else now.
Take her to court as an unfit mother? I have until Feb 8th to do this in S.C.or I have to go to court in HER state afterward.
Is there anything else that I can do until the 15th? Should I take her calls? Just ask to talk to the kids and nothing else?
If she asks for money, let her know that there will be NO money until she gets home.
Is it even likely she will return on the 15th??? She is broke as can be and no resourses…any she has will be taken by Timmy…no doubt…
raan
she is an unfit mother …take her to court …go for it
if you have looked into this …that is what you must do to wake her up …
just make sure you tell her that is what u are going to do first …see what her reaction is …
she is unfit
sleeping with a minor
what must the kids think
how old are they
they are not stupid
imagine what its like for those poor bloody kids
Forget her shes an idiot !!! away with fairies !!
cant be held responsible , her actions alone over the last few months must have prooved this to u …for get trying to get her back , just save the poor bloody kids
i would smak that women for what she is doing to those kids …she is a slut basically ..
sorry raan but this is how it is …you have to put your foot down ..she is out of control …and the lies all the time
sheeesh i am getting angry now …
save those poor bloody little boys …and your daughter
thats my opinion from all of this …am sorry it may seem harsh to you …you are on the rollercoaster ride of emotional trauma …
thats my opinion
cheers bittersweet
I feel soooo used and abused right now….should I JUST GIVE UP???
Is there any chance in hell she is going to really follow thru and come back or am I totally just wasting my time at this point?
My friend Jim came by tonight and said…Dude, she doesn’t WANT YOU anymore. it’s as simple as that. She has been just USING you….wake up!
I find that the last four years of bliss ain’t worth it anymore.
I think it’s the meds that are making her act this way, but I am not certain. I have so much invested in this….My Uncle told me after hearing what happened tonight, maybe you ought to just let it go….he doesn’t think she is coming back either.
I feel stupid.
Any thing else anyone care to comment on this matter?
Do I cut off her cell phone I bought her for Christmas again, as last time Timmy got a hold of it last january, he ran up the bill….do I turn it off except for the ability to call me???
Should I wait until the 15th to do this? Or, tell her it’s becuse of her actions that i am doing this….I refuse to pay for her to have a phone if she wants to be with someone else…have HIM buy her a cell…
At least with her able to call me, I can still contact her about the kids…or wait until the 15th?
I am going to have a bitch of a time sleeping tonight…my mind is racing…I’m okay, just really hurt…
raan
you are experiencing the early stages of trauma
the 15th for some reason is lodged in your mind and you are stuck on that …
look I know how hard this is …they rip your heart out and drag it down the road
I think your friend and uncle are concerned they are trying to help you .
Dont give up
BUT
Look after yourself get your self esteem back .
Stop giving her presents and money.
Stop thinking about her .
Stop worrying if she is ok .
She is fine believe me.
They are a lot stronger , smarter , more clever than u are right now .
They do not get emotionally affected like you .
She has shut down ..turned off
Dont from this day forward believe or put your trust in anything else she says .
Dont talk to her
& Finally Shut her Out for your own sake
Get on with your life , she will only want what she cant have….
Do these simple things off the list and u may find by this time next month things will improve
cheers bitter
Should I turn that cell off bitter-other than the ability to call me??
The 15th, she promises she will return, and wants to just do what she wants until then.
Ignoring her completely and do what you say on that list….
do you think that she is going to want to come back by doing so? Am I supposed to not even care if she does or doesn’t?
Do I just go up and get my daughter if she doesn’t follow thru on the 15th? I don’t have the money at present after spending it all on her and the kids this Christmas, even though it’s my turn in 3 days to get Sophie sfor a month…
I believe that Timmy will F up by the 5th anyway…and with me all of a sudden “gone”, what do you think is going to happen?
Is it foolish of me to even wait until the 15th? She claims she WILL be back then, even after going off hard on her today…I don’t think she can make it that long frankly…she is busted broke, rent is due…she hasn’t worked enough lately to earn her government check nor is she getting any money out of me at all….
just let go, eh??? I have. I am. I don’t see any other options that will work for her really. Timmy has NOTHING whatsoever to offer her. he is a taker to boot…a scammer. He just wants money for “crack” She has nothing to give him…
Anything else i can do?
that is timmy will F up by the FIFTEENTH, not fifth.
I just looked at the cell phone bill…she is going crazy texting someone back and forth at midnite….I assume it’s Timmy the crackhead. She is going to drive my bill up at this rate….do i cut her offf???
he cannot stay the nite with her…I assume they are BS’ing on my dollar.
At least the texting and perhaps more???
Is it bad to cut it off??? Should i warn her first in the morning?
Raan
you are enabling her behaviour
what part of getting fuked over ‘ dont u understand ?
I cant believe you are still being so kind to this women
she is in the full thrusts of using you ,….
from my perceptions
am i missing something
u tell me
she is sleeping with crusty
and you are paying her bills ??
Pleeez
do you have any idea what she would be saying to this dude ?? if he a crakhead he probablly telling her what to say to you ..they are both having a laugh at your expense
am i wrong or am i missing something
why are you enabling her
I bet she doesnt come back on the 15th
XX
Raan its 230am and we are both awake. Not good. Text her in the morning that you cannot afford to pay your cell phone bill as it is and that u will be making her phone for emergency use only 2-3 numbers and cut off the texting to.
cut off the ceel phone except the ability to call me…she called this morning I told her this…she got mad. Told her that she ought to have thought about this before slutting around…i wnt OFF on her…told her she needs to be held accountable for her bad decisions and I will not put up with the disrespect nor be used ever again.
Told her she needs to keep her word and get her ass home on the 15th or else. hung up…
this is the short version, but basically says it all…
raan
you need to stay vigilant on this
if you want her back you are not going to achieve
anything by soft love ..
she is trying to appease you to keep u on side
she is trying to let u down easy
this is her way of manipulating you to still get what she needs from you
Figure this …
whatever it is she wants from you ..you must know by now what that is
DONT give it to her ..I know she has you by the balls with sophie being your child ..but it is the one thing that will bring her back to you .
you must stop enabling her she will have no respect for you ..
they need boundaries ..if u lie down she will wipe her boots on you as she takes from you
you must remain strong
it is very hard to be like this when you love someone
but she will take your love and use it against you
TRY not to engage in conversations with her
TRY not to talk to her at all
even when you get sophie ..pick her up and leave in disgust at terri.
it is disgusting what she is doing to the kids
she is not being a good mum …
xx bitter
Hang tough raan. If I’m still here then you can do this. Its not fun its not easy but it is what it is. Detach yourself as best you can buddy and I’m here for ya. We are all here for you. But you need to try and loosen the grip. Bitter is 150% correct.
And don’t forget no matter how scandalous it seems she is married to that punk.
Her Dad wrote me tonight and said, why are you waiting until the 15th??? Her Mom isn’t talking to her anymore, so why wait since THAT was the reason she was supposably staying…MOVE ON he said.
Is it likely that she will even try to get back here on the 15th? She KNOWS I may lose my house if she doesn’t come back, as my Father owns this place and wants to have me move into a smaller place so he can rent this out for more money IF it’s just me…I told her I will lose this place if she doesn’t come back….
She wants this crackhead for WHAT possible reason???? He is a total LOSER!!!
I don’t know what the F is up anymore…I treat her great, loving, and this is what I get for it…
raan
stop treating her great
look after yourself
move into the smaller place
they are game players
there are nicer people in the world
I know she has your child ..its tragic
dont give up but try to pull back
bittersweet
Raan do exactly like bitter just told u. Don’t put the farm up for sale cause one chicken got away. You going to let her destroy everyones life? Take the smallerv house and re group.
I am going to KEEP this house…I’t’s MY place.
I ampretty certain that things will completely unravel for Terri up there and likely VERY soon. I am not dwelling on it (or at least trying not to) but she has NO support system nor resources left. Her Mom isn’t even speaking to her any more. Funny, THAT is why she was asking to stay until the 15th….No reason to stay any more, except for that crackhead….
Whatever.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve given up and I’d be lying if I said I’ll never take her back, but ….
I am without a doubt DONE with her BS and surely- Ihave and will continue to stand back and let her house of cards fall…CUZ IT WILL!
I am pretty certain that sometime….I don’t know when, but sometime…she will be begging to come home.
I am not banking on it, but it is likely to happen.
I will take care of ME and MY stuff in the meantime and from here on.
I am having a very emotional day and night…I’m sick with concern for my children, even for terri…but I know she will be okay…it’s the kids….sheesh. Sucks.
I’ll see if Terri calls anytime soon. Kind of doubt it, until she WANTS something. Too bad honey…you burned this bridge too.
Let her fall flat on her face. OOFFFFF!
watch me pick myself up and kick ass!
I have some info I should not know about and it looks promising she is coming back on the 15th…It seems she is tying up her loose ends at the moment up there. I am not banking on it, but she doesn’t know I know this stuff…Like I said. it appears she is coming back on the 15th.
What do I do once I get her home?
How should I act?
What should I say???
I am going to continue to do my thing in the meantime, regardless…I just thought that maybe I shoulkd have some sort of plan of action beforehand, just in case she really shows up…
ANY COMMENTS?
raan
whoever she is telling this information to is because she knows it will get back to you and she still needs something from you ….she is not coming back on the 15th …she is drip feeding you again and u r falling for it again
if she was coming back ..she would be back
raan
u keep talking to whoever u r talking to but I am telling you
the women is not going to come home to you anytime soon
u must try to get on top of what is happening with her …
try to concentrate on new things
dont live your whole life for what she is telling someone else
she doesnt know what she is doing from one day to the next
am not trying to hurt you raan ..but they thieve your soul and then some …and when they get you to a point where you are so totally confused then she will ask for some money or a favour …mark my words
cheers bitter
Raan
what you must try to understand is this ..
she doesnt give a shit about you
at any level at all
not many people will want to tell you this ..but this is what bipolar is like
they are selfish people who only think about what they want
your needs are irrelevant
she is a born manipulating survivor …and she will use and abuse who she needs to get what she wants
your feelings are irrelevant
the times you talk to her now and she tells you she loves you which i know she does …is because u are a means to an outcome for her ..she probably does feel love at the time but it is not for you
they dont love like us , they dont think like us , they only care about what you have that they can take from you .
its the cold harsh reality of this disease
I know you say you had this and that with her ..but that was then this is now ..
and worse ..
if she does come back it will only be until she finds something or somebody that will catch her eye and she will be off again
U will NEVER get loyalty out of her …its just a fantasy
for her
sorry ..bitter
Bitter,
If she doesn’t give a shit about me and is so terrib;e…what the F am I allowing her back for?
And by the way…no one told me any info about her….I found out some info on my own….
Bittersweet,
No offense, but you sound unlike your normal self..you sound “bitter”.
To be blunt, I read emails she sent very recently…she has NO idea or expects me to be able to do this. (I AM a computer tech.)
She wrote Crusty a few letters…they mention that while she is with Timmy the crackhead now, she is saying that her plan is that she is going in two weeks and that IS a plan she IS sticking to. She says this to him because she doesn’t want Crusty mad that she is now with Timmy.
She also promised to me AFTER I wen off on her bigtime two days in a row that she doesn’t want the house to be pulled out from under us (me) and she IS still coming home-even after I went off on her like all hell.
Lastly-she has exhausted her resources and has burned all bridges finally.
I have no expectation she will return…but I really think she is coming back on the 15th. She is tying up her loose ends…forgot to mention. She told Crusty good bye…good luck….nice knowing you….find someone else, etc….
NOT words from someone that plans on sticking around.
BOTH letters she wrote Crusty say she is going in two weeks.
Just observations.
If I sound bitter ….
then u r the epiteme of a FOOL ‘
it sure is QUIET on here lately…YOO-HOO~
where did everybody go?
Terri called tonight. Asked for money for diapers. I said no. she got mad….we got disconnected. called back-I put boundaries in place firmly,and calmly…. she was frustrated. Got all shitty, but I held my ground. it ended with me saying when you get home – we will work it all out and her defensively saying…forget it-i don’t need your money anyway.
Later on, I called back to say terri, I am here for you…I understand, I want to help….when you come home,everything will be fine. Just pack up…and come home- we both love each other, and when we are together, we don’t have problems. it’s when you go up there by yourself…that’s when problems arise…..so pack your stuff…come home.
Interesting to note that from the time I started talking and her feathers were all ruffled up until the end of my little speech…you could hear COMPLETE relief in her tone and voice.
Holding my own and telling her NO must have done something else good as she started texting me later….all in all, it went well.
I know you folks have NO FAITH in Terri whatsoever and I’m NOT stupid, but I say the chances are good she comes back next week.
I withheld money, and she’s out totally. Shoot-she may even come back early.
I knOw-I know…WE’LL SEE!
Raan,
OK, this is a good start, but lets not forget that she spends ever second spinning plotting for herself. She may had hit a roadblock with you today but she is skeeming her way to get what SHE wants believe me. Her motives and agenda wil be very apparant. These boundaries are going to set her OFF, DO NOT REACT AT ALL, it will throw her for a loop, even when she is caling you da devil, let it go, just the illness. Get her well and you got a shot.
Comment #209 Paul (38.96.243.66) –
“husband”
I believe I am bi polar. I will never admit to it publicly or privately. I put my wife through terrible bouts of rage. I have assaulted her, called her terrible names, embarrased her, and countless other things that are horrific. I know I am sick, but she stays right there with me. I make her think it is all because of things she says to me that makes me do these things to her. I even refused to take her for medical treatment after cutting her hands up. I know the authorities would figure it was me. I am going to court over domestic violence against her and I know I will win because she will not testify against me. I make her feel worthless. I married her 2 years ago because she was smart and beautiful and well educated. Her children are grown and are stellars of the community. I knew once I fooled her into thinking I was her knight, I would then use her to get everything I was missing in my life that people taunted me with. My family will never admit I had problems. They think I am great. Not my ex wife. I treat my new wife like she is a punching bag for everything that has gone wrong in my life. When we are out in public I am a wonderful person, on purpose. That way in case she thinks of telling anyone what I do to her, they won’t believe her.
I wish I could buy medication over the counter so I didn’t have to see a doctor, cuz if I do, she will find out and then she’ll leave me, because it’s a long road. I wish I had the feelings to be sorry.
it’s weird….terri was texting me 2 nights ago after i told her NO MONEY…flirting slightly with me….she seemed to like what we were doing, then POOF!
I haven’t heard from her in two days whatsoever.
She is supposed to call me and let me talk to the kids. I’m cool, just worried everything is okay.
I SUPPOSE that she is likely visiting her Mom, since SUPPOSABLY, this is the last weekend she will be living up there and her Mom has been gone all weekdays for the last 6 weeks with her cancer treatments and this coming week is the final one. I have my serious doubts she will come back by next weekend, but she PROMISES, says bank on it, etc…
I know, I know….
I love this woman with all my heart, but I don’t even know if I WANT her back now…she has hurt me SO badly…
WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK???
Is she likely to return or not???
There is a LOT riding on this and she knows it…
I don’t know where to start…haven’t heard from terri in 3 days….then I get a call right before midnight tonight. We talked for 45 minutes.
NOW, she says she is only coming back so my Dad doesn’t kick me out of this place since it’s just me and she has the understanding that if she comes back, he will let me stay here. Well, NOW-that’s the ONLY reason she claims to be coming back. NOW
I sounds like she wants me to just pay pay pay for everything, and expect nothing in return…BUT, it also sounds like she is overwhelmed -tired-and wants to right by the kids by some of the things she said sduring the conversation.
I got the impression she thinks I “owe” her for saving the house (provided she shows up) and that we are just “friends”??? with benefits???? IF that even…she said she doesn’t want me to be “all over her” when she gets back either…BUT, IS interested in dating each other…kind of like getting to know each other for the first time…and go from there.
I DID feel that at first, we were butting heads…by the end we were on the similar page…or same?
We reached an understanding???
I am pissed, and relieved.
Not sure what to do now….
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
more to follow…I’m tired.
damn it….most of the letter is missing above….it doesn’t make any sense and is missing a LOT of text….I’ll catch up with it later.
Raan,
i have been reading a lot of the posts on here over the last few weeks. You have received an enormous amount of support and wise advice from many people…
It seems from what others are saying that this Lady Terri is not to be trusted which u clearly know in ur heart of hearts…but its clear that u keep trying to believe the story will have a different ending.. it never does …or will because her soul and spirit is sick … both cancerous and contagious she has infected ur soul too…
. Do you see this yet?
You end up in the same place every single..
time month after month…
You have ur hope faith and belief for a different ending dashed on the rocks time after time…
then when Terri offers a new hook with another slice of soulish fish bait on the end… its as if you cant recall any of the previous advice, counsel and truth that has been given to you repeatedly in the past…
You actually hope believe and cling to a different ending ( cos “there are kids involved and u cant give up cos u have to save ur family”)..et al
u recently experienced the same lying devastating goal shifting ending once again ….after consuming a different flavoured “meal” of rubbish and lies ….
(same ingredients cooked to a different recipe served on a plastic plate so to speak)
You were given really excellent thorough advice and warnings…. then sadly you just had to go thru the WHOLE process of self guessing… advice asking counter intelligence ruminating over and over again…..
Please take a break Raan… step back and stay back …read what people have care fully written to you previously…then you may see what u are dealing with is perhaps a Sociopathic borderline/bipolar liar user and manipulator who is not a poor sick lady unable to control herself. She chooses a lot of this behaviour because you enable her to do so
Have some self respect and dignity and stop allowing this woman to emasculate you.
Imagine the Terri you once loved respected and desire has passed away.
Cos she has. She is gone my friend.
You need to grieve.. Do the right thing as far as possible for the children … Act like a Father and take some control where you can.
Heal your poor broken moral compass Gain strength from God and Rise up to be a true Man who has self respect. Refuses to allow your children to see you be Emasculated in such a way. Provide for them and keep boundaries intact. Listen and follow what people have been telling you on this forum
Good luck Raan you really deserve better
Take the advice raan. I need to listen to this person too…
Aside from bipolar there are a host of other personality disorders at work here.
I am looking for way to heal myself. I know I have been damaged. The train has left the station and we are left a wreck. I put up a strong front. But I’m not as strong as I appear. You need to detach from her as much as possible. Stop checking on her its only hurting you more. You are doing the same exact things that I also did. And now I’m all fucked up. You may not ever be close again but take some comfort knowing she is never going to be completly out of your life. Your one up on the rest of us.
Totally agree with lost, bitter and wiped out back then, mine too used to come back over and over, use and abuse me and even up the ante, so it was even more painful each and everytime, i had such low self esteem at the time i let him do it, please please read up on boundaries raan, i have said this so many times, and i’ll keep saying it, learn to have them set them and stick by them cos trust me, if you dont you may end up in this very situation time and time again. xxxxxx post in a bit i got a bad eye xxxx
also read on imago theory, how to talk to people without blame etc, i am hurt when you…………. or i feel upset when you…………………………………….. whatever. not swearing and shouting and calling names lol xx
“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.”
“It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with “I feel.” (When we say “I am angry, I’m hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves – and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.”
“Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.”
“It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.”
On this page codependency therapist/inner child healing pioneer/Spiritual teacher writes about the importance of, and process of, setting personal boundaries. Welcome
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This article is part of a series of articles that began with Emotional Abuse, and was followed by Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 1.
Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility part 3:
Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self
Earlier in this series I mentioned that I would be focusing on three primary areas in relationship to learning to have a healthier relationship with self and others: boundaries, emotional honesty, and emotional responsibility. The three areas are intimately interrelated, and because I do not feel I can talk about one area without also discussing the others, I may have gotten the cart before the horse in a sense in this series. I started the series in the first two articles focusing more on emotional honesty and responsibility – and learning to have internal boundaries with ourselves in terms of seeing the process of life more realistically (what we need to accept, and what we can change) – and starting to take responsibility for our behaviors and emotions.
The reason I started there, is because changing our relationship with ourselves and life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our relationships with others. It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let other people know that we deserve and demand respect.
What is so powerful and effective about the inner child healing process, as I have learned to apply it, is that it changes our core relationship with ourselves. Once we start having a more Loving relationship with ourselves, everything changes. We start to naturally and normally: set boundaries with others; speak our Truth; own our right to be alive and be treated with respect and dignity.
To start by learning how to set boundaries and assert ourselves, without changing the core relationship with ourselves, will ultimately not work in the relationships we care most about. It is relatively easy to start setting boundaries in relationships that don’t mean much to us – it is in the relationships that mean the most to us that it is so difficult. That is because, it is those relationships – family, romantic, etc. – that our inner child wounds are the most powerful. The little child within us does not feel worthy, feels defective and shameful, and is terrified of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave. The other extreme of this phenomena is those of us who throw up huge walls to try to keep people from getting too close – and sabotage any relationship that starts getting too intimate – to try to protect the wounded child within from being hurt.
With boundaries, as in every area of the healing process, change starts with awareness. I had to hear about boundaries, and start learning the concept before I could even realize that I didn’t have any. I had to start getting some glimmer of an idea of what boundaries are, and how to set them, in order to understand how hard they were for me – and how absolutely vital to learning to Love myself.
So, in this third article of this series on emotional honesty and emotional responsibility I am going to be focusing on setting personal boundaries with other people. I am going to attempt to keep the focus on a very basic level for those readers who are new to the concept of boundaries.
Personal Boundaries
“Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing lines. The purpose of a boundary is to make clear separations between different turf, different territory. . . .
In relationship to recovery and the growth process, I am going to be talking about two primary types of boundaries. Natural boundaries that are part of the way life works – that are aligned with the reality of the rules that govern human dynamics – and personal boundaries.” – Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility Part 2
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways – by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)
(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.
We need to start becoming aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start practicing them ourselves – and demanding the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy relationships – which are not possible without communication.
The first thing that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. That means, stop saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc. These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped our perspective on our own emotional process.
I grew up believing that I had the power to make my father angry and to break my mother’s heart. I thought that I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was wrong with me because I was human. I grew up believing that I had power over other peoples feelings – and they had power over mine.
In my codependence I learned to be enmeshed with other people – to not have healthy boundaries that told me who “I” was, and that I was a separate person from them. I had to become hyper-vigilant in childhood. I learned to focus on trying to interpret what my parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect myself. As an adult, I unconsciously tried to manipulate people – by trying to be what they wanted me to be if I wanted them to like me, or trying to be either intimidating or invisible if that seemed the safest course. I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings because I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings – and vice versa. I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally as separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.
I was not able to start seeing myself as separate in a healthy way (I had always felt that I was separate in an unhealthy way – shameful and unworthy) until I started to see that I had been powerless over the behavior patterns I learned in childhood. Since my behavior patterns, my behavioral and emotional defense systems, had developed in reaction to the feeling that there was something wrong with me, I had to learn to start taking power away from the toxic shame that is at the core of this disease. Toxic shame involves thinking that there is something wrong with who we are. Guilt – in my definition – involves behavior, while shame is about our being. Guilt is: I did something wrong; I made a mistake. Shame is: I am a mistake; something is wrong with me.
On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief energy – the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.
That shame is toxic and is not ours – it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of – we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.
In order to stop giving the toxic shame so much power, I had to learn to detach from my own reactive process enough to start being able to see a boundary between being and behavior. I had to stop judging myself and other people based on behavior. I started to learn how to observe behavior without making judgments about myself and others. There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition and observation. It is vital for me to observe other people’s behavior in order to protect myself. That does not mean I need to make a value judgment about their being based upon their behavior.
Judgment is saying, “that person is a jerk.” Observation is saying, “that person seems to be really full of anger and it would be better for me to not be involved with them.”
[When I use the term “judge,” I am talking about making judgments about our own or other people’s being based on behavior. In other words, I did something bad therefore I am a bad person; I made a mistake therefore I am a mistake. That is what toxic shame is all about: feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses, human imperfections.
There may be behavior in which we have engaged that we feel ashamed of but that does not make us shameful beings We may need to make judgments about whether our behavior is healthy and appropriate but that does not mean that we have to judge our essential self, our being, because of the behavior. Our behavior has been dictated by our disease, by our childhood wounds; it does not mean that we are bad or defective as beings. It means that we are human, it means that we are wounded.
It is important to start setting a boundary between being and behavior. All humans have equal Divine value as beings – no matter what our behavior. Our behavior is learned (and/or reactive to physical or physiological conditions). Behavior, and the attitudes that dictate behavior, are adopted defenses designed to allow us to survive in the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive, dysfunctional environments into which we were born.]
Formula for emotionally honest communication
So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person’s behavior is affecting us – without making blaming “you” type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . . . .
Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.
The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self – an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When you . . . . .
The “When you . . .” statement is a description of behavior. It is very important actually describe the behavior. To say to another person: when you get angry; when you shame me; or such statements – is too general, not specific enough. These types of general statements do not really describe the behavior – they are our interpretations of the behavior. A major facet of codependence is assuming, interpreting, mind reading, and fortune telling – due to our childhood conditioning. We think we know the intentions and motives of others. We assume that they are conscious of their behavior and will know what we are talking about.
It is vital to realize that we do not know how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. We need to stop interpreting and start communicating. It is important to describe the behavior rather than our interpretation and assumptions about what the behavior means.
“When your face gets red and your voice gets louder and your hands clench into fists” – is specific and descriptive. It does not assume – rather it describes the behavior that appears to us to indicate anger.
“When you look at me with a frown on your face and your eye brows slightly raised and give a loud sigh” – is a description of behavior that causes us to react with guilt and shame. Usually the other people have no idea of what their behavior looks like. Our parents tried to control our behavior with fear, guilt, and shame because that is how their parents tried to control their behavior in childhood. We react in the ways we do because of the emotional buttons, the triggers, that our parents behavior toward us installed in our programming.
Usually, when we first confront such behavior in a healthy way, the other people will profess innocence and ignorance of what we are talking about. But, by describing the behavior, we will be planting seeds of consciousness in them that may eventually cause them to get more conscious of the sound of their own voice, or their sighs. Describing behavior is an important step towards making it possible for the other people to get past their toxic shame so that they can start seeing a boundary between being and behavior.
We of course, are powerless over them – over whether they get it, understand what we are doing. But in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility of communication.
I feel . . . . .
This is the part of the formula where we start learning to express our emotions in a healthy and honest way. This is a vital part of the process of owning our emotions. Anyone who is fairly new to this process, and isn’t sure what I mean by owning the feelings, would probably benefit from reading two short articles about emotions and emotional defenses. Those articles: The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within and Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within can be accessed right now by clicking on the link for the first one and then following the link to the second one. (The article will appear in a new browser window, so that after reading the articles you can collapse the new window and return to this article.)
It is best to use primary feeling words (described in the articles above) when expressing the “I feel . . . .” part of this formula – but it is also OK to use words that describe the messages we feel are inherent in their behaviors.
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists,
I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe. I feel like you are going to hit me.
When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond,
I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant, invisible, like I am being punished. It feels like you do not want to communicate with me.
It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with “I feel.” (When we say “I am angry, I’m hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves – and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves.
As we get farther along in the process, and start to get more aware of our inner child wounds, we can start being more discerning in our communications techniques. For instance, if one was hit as a child, then a raised voice is a trigger to the child’s fear of being hit. For the little child it was life threatening when a giant adult raged. In your adult relationship, you may feel very confident that your significant other (or boss or whatever) would not hit you – but when we are triggered, we react out of the emotional wounds of the child, out of the child’s emotional reality.
So then you might say something like:
When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists . . .
I feel scared and hurt. I react out of the 5 year old in me who got hit when my father raged. I react to a loud voice by feeling like I am going to be hit.
(Often someone that comes from a loud expressive family will get involved with someone that comes from an very emotionally repressive family. Then the first person will not think anything of being loud – while the second will be very upset by loudness. The only way to work through the programming from our childhood is to be able to communicate with each other so that we can start becoming conscious of our behaviors and how they affect others.)
I want . . . .
I want is pretty self explanatory. But again it is important not to be too general. Saying something like: “I want to know I am important to you. I want to know you love me.” is not specific enough. Describe the kind of behaviors that would give you the message that you want from the other person.
“I want you to answer me when I talk to you. I want you to tell me you love me – and show me with funny little gifts and cards and making plans on your own for a special date for just the two of us. I want you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer.” etc.
Setting Boundaries
The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self. Being forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are – will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and learn to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.
When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand – and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of some place like the Alamo – from a movie I guess – where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.
Some boundaries are rigid – and need to be. Boundaries such as: “It is not OK to hit me, ever.” “It is not acceptable to call me certain names.” “It is not acceptable to cheat on me.”
No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that in our lives) – then we will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways. Often if we do not respect ourselves, we will end up exhibiting abusive behavior towards people who do not abuse us. On some level in our codependence, we are more comfortable with being abused (because it is what we have always known) than being treated in a loving way.
Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other’s that we have worth.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary – the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you – a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will – a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior – a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:
If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges – and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary – the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically – then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.
It is not enough to set boundaries – it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. We need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. This is something that really upset me when I first started learning how to set boundaries. It took great courage for me to build myself up to a point where I was willing to set a boundary. I thought that the huge thing I had done to set a boundary should be enough. Then to see that some people just ignored the boundaries I had set, seemed terribly unfair to me.
Consequences
It is very important to set consequences that we are willing to enforce. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship – then don’t say that you will leave. You can say that you will start considering all of your options including leaving – but do not state that you will do something that you are not ready yet to do. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior.
If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
~
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings.
If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship – and I will have no contact with you for a month.
Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior – unless the behavior is really intolerable. To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction – and is codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if we are reacting. To go from tolerating verbally abusive behavior to leaving a relationship in one step is swinging between extremes. It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.
When I ask you what is wrong and you say “Never mind,” and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.
I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.
If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be realistic – in that, the change that we are asking for is something that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility is another thing altogether) – and enforceable, something that we are willing to do.
It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person more than us. Often when people are first learning how to set boundaries, they do not think it through far enough. They set boundaries that impact themselves as much or more than the other person. For example, a single parent with a teenager who needs to get consequences for coming home late, or bad grades, or whatever, may be tempted to say something like “If you miss your curfew again, you will be grounded for a month.” The reality of grounding a teenager for a month is that it often means the parent is also grounded for a month. If taking away driving privileges means then you will have to drive them to school – maybe you want to choose some other consequence.
Choices
Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that – just as some will interpret it as a threat) – it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in taking what control we can of how we allow others to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self and our life.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
We want the other person to change their behavior. We hope they will. But we need to own all of our choices in order to empower ourselves to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves up to be a victim. One of our choices is to remove ourselves from relationship with the person. We can leave a marriage. We can end a friendship. We can leave a job. We do not have to have any contact with our family of origin. It is vitally important to own all of our choices.
If we do not own that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship – then we are not making a choice to stay in the relationship. Any time we do not own our choices, we are empowering victimization. We will then blame the other person, and/or blame ourselves. It is a vital part of the process of learning to love ourselves, and taking responsibility for being a co-creator in our life, to own all of our choices.
It is essential to own that we have choices in order to escape the codependent suffering victim martyr role – or the other extreme, which is being abusive in order to try to make others do it “right” (that is, do what we want them to.) Both, the people who appear to be victims and the people that appear to be abusers, are coming from a victim place in terms of blaming others for their behavior. “I wouldn’t have to hit you if you didn’t talk to me that way” is a victim statement. Both victim and perpetrator are coming from a victim perspective, blaming their behaviors on others – or on themselves, “I can’t help it, that is just how I am.”
When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth, we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away.
As just one small example of how pervasively we are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, “I have to go to work tomorrow.” When we say “I have to” we are making a victim statement. To say, “I have to get up, and I have to go to work,” is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The Truth is “I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working.” To say, “I choose,” is not only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love. When we “have to” do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family, or our boss, or society.
“And we always have a choice. If someone sticks a gun in my face and says, “Your money or your life!” I have a choice. I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don’t like our choices because we don’t know what the outcome is going to be and we are terrified of doing it ‘wrong.’
Even with life events that occur in a way that we seemingly don’t have a choice over (being laid off work, the car breaking down, a flood, etc.) we still have a choice over how we respond to those events. We can choose to see things that feel like, and seem to be, tragic as opportunities for growth. We can choose to focus on the half of the glass that is full and be grateful for it or to focus on the half that is empty and be the victim of it. We have a choice about where we focus our minds.
In order to become empowered, to become the co-creator in our lives, and to stop giving power to the belief that we are the victim, it is absolutely necessary to own that we have choices. As in the quotation above: if we believe that we “have” to do something then we are buying into the belief that we are the victim and don’t have the power to make choices. To say “I have to go to work” is a lie. “I have to go to work if I want to eat” may be the truth but then you are making a choice to eat. The more conscious we get about our choices, the more empowered we become.
We need to take the “have to”s out of our vocabulary. As long as we reacting to life unconsciously we do not have choices. In consciousness we always have a choice. We do not “have to” do anything.
Until we own that we have a choice, we haven’t made one. In other words, if you do not believe that you have a choice to leave your job, or relationship, then you have not made a choice to stay in it. You can only Truly commit yourself to something if you are consciously choosing to do it. This includes the area that is probably the single hardest job in our society today, the area that it is almost impossible not to feel trapped in some of the time – being a single parent. A single parent has the choice of giving their children up for adoption, or abandoning them. That is a choice! If a single parent believes that he/she has no choice, then they will feel trapped and resentful and will end up taking it out on their children!” – Empowerment and Victimization – the power of choice
We always have a choice. The choices may seem to be awful – but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we are trapped will have worse consequences in the long run. It may seem ridiculous to suggest that a parent can abandon or give a child up for adoption – but owning our choices no matter how outrageous is a step in owning responsibility for being co-creators in our life. If we are blaming and being the victim we will never be happy.
(And this is a good example of when sharing the 3rd part of this formula is not appropriate. It would be abusive to threaten a child with being put up for adoption. This is a choice that we need to own to escape feeling trapped in our relationship with ourselves – it is strictly an internal thing. With children it is vital to not project our own internal struggle onto the child – it doesn’t have anything to do with the child, it is all about our relationship with self.)
Negotiation
We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space – physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person may not be able or willing to change their behavior – and that we are prepared to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.
I was scared of setting boundaries because the little boy in me was afraid of: hurting other people; having other people be angry at me; being abandoned; losing the relationship. Ultimately, it came down to: people will go away if I say no or set a boundary with them.
I had to become willing to take that risk. I had to decide that I had enough worth to stand up for myself even if people did go away. And some people did go away. Some people do still when I set a boundary. But I was also amazed to see that some of the people that I set a boundary with started to treat me with more respect. They were able to hear me and valued me enough to change their behavior.
By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the wonderful gift of getting what I wanted – some of the time. I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling friends, were not really friends at all – because as long as I did not know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse me, shame me, abandon and betray me.
I came to the realization that anyone who is a friend is someone I can communicate with – and be able to negotiate boundaries with. The vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid line in the sand. Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves. This is very true in romantic relationships – and is the standard for all relationships.
What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. We want friends who are allies. With alliances it is necessary to negotiate boundaries. Here is what I am willing to do, and here is what I need from you. We want a romantic relationship with a partner who will share our journey with us. In order to make that possible it is necessary to communicate, share feelings, and negotiate agreements about behavior. By setting boundaries, we are communicating with another person. We are telling them who we are and what we need. It is much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect them to read our minds – and then punish them when they cannot.
Often it is little things that seem inconsequential that it is most important to set boundaries about. Irritating little habits or mannerism of another person. The irritating little things will grow into huge monsters unless we learn to communicate and negotiate. When we stuff our feelings we build up resentments. Resentments are victim feelings – the feeling that somebody is doing something to us. If we don’t speak up and take the risk of sharing how we feel, we will end up blowing up and/or being passive aggressive – and damaging the relationship.
Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.
sorry guys but this is all relevant xxxxx
By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the wonderful gift of getting what I wanted – some of the time. I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling friends, were not really friends at all – because as long as I did not know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse me, shame me, abandon and betray me.
this bit is really really right. without boundaries we are destined to be walked all over!!!!!!!!!!!!
terri and i reached an agreement tonight. I think we are now on the same page.
We are going to just be roommates with benefits. I am going to look for another mate in the long run. I have given up trying to make the relationship work.
IF either party feels more for the other in the process, we’ll talk about it, but I am done with it all. I’ll take my Family back in, and we’ll just see how it goes, but i was clear that expecting us to get back together is past due.
I DO expect respect, honesty and CLEAR communication though under this house and we’ll just take it day by day…NO LIES.
If she can deal with this – and she loved the idea actually….then all is well.
So, I get my kids back, and we take care of them together.
If either of us starts wanting more, well…we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but NEITHER of us wants to be in a relationship right now…and by the way…she dumped timmy the crackhead AND crusty.
This is funny…We both came to this decision by coincidence at the same time….odd.
It feels good. I gave up right at the time she dumped those other guys….I wonder if she comes back wanting more….
I am perfectly fine with this arrangement.
I am not going to put up with paying for her dates if she goes out on some either – that’s on her as it isn’t my responsibility.
I know this much….I’m looking elsewhere. I am through playing games with a manic BP that has no respect for my needs. I’ll have them filled elsewhere.
That’s it…..
I hope that this arrangement works….
Who knows….perhaps we’ll end up back together IF she gets well, but I am not looking for one with her.
Wow! My, have things changed and I mean for the BETTER!!! terri and I just got off of the phone. She called me and talked to me for about an hour.
it’s like – hmmm…like it used to be. i mean…she’s TALKING to me again. telling me about how her night went…opening up to me like we used to relate with each other.
It’s almost like she is my best friend again. All it took was for me to tell her I don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore and POOF! She is all into talking to me again…
What did someone say on here…they do things backwards? So, by NOT wanting her..she wants me in her life again??? It’s so weird. There is a night and day difference. She is talking about things she hasn’t talked about with me in 5 months or more. It’s like we got closer by coming to terms that we are over with. How is this possible?
They want what they can’t have? Well…it’s funny, now that I’m done with her…she finally comes around…idiotic
What am I to expect now? the more do my own thing-and now that I want to be with someone else…the more she’ll want me? is this how it is? Fricking backwards woman!
Amazing.
So…it really really seems like she is coming home now. Since there isn’t any pressure to be in a relationship anymore…now she wants to come home…she’s talking about what she is bringing…what she isn’t …I mean…she is TOTALLY different after the earlier conversation. We’re laughing…cutting up…talking about old times…sentimental…
She has made it clear to me too that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ANYBODY either. No one.
She wants to work on herself and just get a grip on life. learn from all of the bad mistakes she has made over the last 5 months in particular. She’s remorseful, confused and wants to get well…
wow.
All it took was to let go finally. I can’t believe that I hung on as long as i did. Shoot, what a total waste of time the last 5 months was. I should have just told her good bye and I’m done with you a long time ago…perhaps had I done that before I got tired of her BS, we would have been back together. I suppose that I was enabling her and lost all respect from her by trying to work things out. Now that I don’t want to be in a relationship with her, she respects me and wants to come back. Go figure.
I wonder if this is some game…but after all the baiting she did, and all of her lies…THIS time, I don’t think she is just doing the same crap. I believe that she is REALLY coming back now…now that we’re over with.
Fricking opposite of what any normal person would do.
ANY COMMENTS??? I would really like to hear what you people think about all of this.
As a matter of fact…she did most of the talking. All in all, I spent over two plus hours on the phone tonight with her , and she didn’t want to stop talking!!!!
WTF???
Is she setting me up for another scheme??? I don’t even get that from her… besides…I don’t want her anymore…so I ain’t buying it even if there was some plan to get something out of me.
Is that all it took? Just stop buying into trying to get back together? I am blown away.
Someone tell me that this looks good…please.
Or, tell me what to look out for, please.
Thanks folks.
This Essay:
The Cracked Vase, The Slippery Slope, and
The Death of a Thousand Cuts Report as Spam? Not.
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We’ve probably all seen at some time an old white porcelain vase, riddled with cracks that have turned black over time. The vase itself is still intact, and probably still holds water. But its purpose is to look pretty, and it simply can’t function anymore. Any one of the cracks could be overlooked, but over time the accumulation just overwhelms the form of the vase, changing its character. From a distance it might look fine; up close it just doesn’t work anymore.
I use this analogy to give insight into intimate relationships with narcissists. Like a slippery slope that we step onto and can never get back up from, and the death of a thousand cuts that, slowly, so slowly, by small injuries leads to the end of life, the cracked vase is symbolic of the relentless deterioration in a relationship with a narcissist.
The Dynamic of Injury
I’ve explained before that the fundamental psychological energy or dynamic of a narcissist is fear of being perceived as flawed. Narcissists prefer to rise above all flaws, straining every public muscle be the perfect whatever. Many people wrongly interpret this “rise above” defense as a need for adoration or “narcissistic supply.” It’s not the positive feedback, though, that narcissists seek. It is the assurance of the absence of any negatives. It is the relief of fear that moves narcissists, not adoration to match a self-adoration. Actually narcissists operate with a fundamental belief that they are despicable, and others will readily see this without the defensive shield of outward perfection. The thing that makes them comfortable that no one sees this inner despicable nature is the feedback assuring them of how great they are.
I’ve also written a lot about narcissistic defenses to the suggestion of a flaw. A suggestion could be an outright criticism by another. This is generally the worst insult, especially if done publicly. But a suggestion may not be intended by the other. A neutral comment about something may be interpreted by a narcissist as implying a criticism. It’s important to remember that narcissists have a fundamental belief about themselves that they are despicable. Another way to say that: there isn’t just one thing narcissists see in themselves as flawed. They believe that most all of their traits are flaws; they they are riddled with flaws (there’s that word again.) Thus, simply making a benign comment that touches the nature of any of these myriad flaws may cause – through the irrational and fundamentally inexplicable mental processes of the disordered narcissistic mind – the narcissist to feel criticized about that particular characteristic.
There’s a third way that narcissists can feel criticized. This one is the most puzzling of all for us. Like all of us, narcissists carry a huge store of memories. Now, the clinicians and statisticians will not concur with my observation, but I have very rarely been told of a narcissists without also hearing of severe and prolonged mistreatment of that person in their childhood. My belief, based on these many written stories and consulting conversations, is that narcissism is “learned.” I put that in quotes because narcissistic minds are truly disordered, not educated. But I believe the disordering comes from experience. Narcissists, as children, experience a world that is unpredictable; irrational; and sometimes intensely hurtful. Unpredictable is the most important aspect – there is no way to cope with this unpredictability. Intensely hurtful punishment is inflicted on these children for no understandable reason. Children naturally do the same thing we do as adults – they associate the reason for the punishment with themselves. They believe they deserved it. It is intense; therefore the child must be despicable. Moreover their minds become alert to danger everywhere; since punishment is always possible regardless of situation.
But more importantly, this leaves the narcissist with a store of memories that connect ordinary, everyday actions – actions that in themselves had no flaw and no reason to be criticized – with intense and hurtful punishment. My belief is that this store of memories is not in the conscious awareness of the narcissist. They cannot recount these hundreds or thousands of incidents in which they were brutalized for no discernable reason. Yet the associations remain in memory.
In ordinary situations, we might be subject to violent outbursts that have no observable cause. I believe these outbursts are often triggered by these associations in memory. Perhaps as a child, a narcissist was verbally brutalized for something innocent, like putting a spoon in with the forks in the drawer. Even though the narcissist may not remember the incident explicitly, we might be in that same situation with the narcissist, and find ourselves suffering a similar brutal attack – again for no discernable reason. I believe that the narcissists mind has categorized that situation as one of intense danger, and the experience triggers a reaction of fear, leading to the outburst.
The Cracked Vase
At this point you are perhaps wondering what all this has to do with cracked vases or slippery slopes. And your puzzlement is understandable, so let’s address it.
The bottom line from these dynamics is this: ordinary life with anyone raises criticisms. In life with a narcissist, not only explicit criticism is at play, but also these two other forms of self-implied criticism and triggered re-experienced criticism. It is impossible to have a lasting relationship with anyone without accumulating a growing history of critical experiences. With a narcissist, the number experiences for the narcissist is multiplied by their disease process.
For emotionally healthy people, these experiences pose no problem. We deal with them, process, and move on. Only the really serious criticisms have lasting impact. In some cases, say we were stuck in traffic and late, the criticism (say of being late) has no relevance to us personally. In other cases we make amends or change and move on. Moreover, criticism causes us no special anguish. It is just part of life to be imperfect and we are comfortable with that.
But for narcissists the experience is totally different. First, those criticisms cause intense anguish. Often that anguish leads to violent, hurtful reactions, which are themselves a source of implied criticism. And narcissists’ minds are disordered. Presumably because of their unsafe and unpredictable environment growing up, their minds assign phenomenal priority to these critical experiences. They don’t process the experience and move on; they catalog and retain these, probably as a defense against future hurt. Each critical experience forms a new crack in the vase of the relationship; it is a cut into the fabric of the narcissist’s safety net.
These cuts don’t heal, but rather sit exposed. Touching upon a subject of prior criticism triggers the anguish of the original experience. Like the insignificant act of putting a spoon with the forks, or simply mentioning a subject involving a past criticism, touching these cuts leads to intense reactions. The cracks in the vase build and build, gathering soil and darkening a once beautiful vessel.
This slippery slope that we step onto when we build an intimate relationship with a narcissist has no escape. We slide down this slope without recourse. The cuts cannot be healed; the cracks cannot be hidden. As time progresses, sensitivities increase. More and more of daily life and the very essence of the relationship is ensnared in this web of illness. It becomes more and more difficult to maintain any kind of stable interaction.
Breaking Point: When the Narcissist Leaves
Eventually, it is common for the narcissist to leave. There are so many cuts being reopened; so many cracks in this now obviously flawed vase; it is just too painful too much of the time. Exiting the relationship stops the pain. Getting into some other situation, with some other people, enables a new start. A fresh, clean vase can be offered. No history of experience exists yet to be touched and set off. For a time, at least, some relief is found.
But only for a time. Abandoning a spouse or partner presents its own trap. This, after all, is the mark of a flaw in the narcissist. They may say they miss you; more likely reflecting on their abandoning action has left them with new anguish from the seriousness of that flaw. Often they return, promising better behavior and a new commitment to the relationship.
The renewed relationship, however, suffers from the same challenge as before, now aggravated by the narcissist’s abandonment. The slide continues, seemingly every slight interaction triggers an intense reaction by the narcissist. In time the same energy forms, and the narcissist flees, seeking safety and relief from internal anguish. This cycle can repeat many times.
As we often do, we can mistakenly use the frame of reference of a healthy person in evaluating what is happening. The narcissist returns, contrite, and promising effort and commitment to change and improve. From an emotionally healthy person, this signals a new opportunity; a new direction, and hope for a better future. If we are not fully aware of the disease process we are dealing with, we can be persuaded to commit to this path.
The problem this presents is twofold. First, the burden of change lies almost completely with the narcissist. Because their diseased reactions are self-generated, there is little we can do to improve things. Second, narcissists live in a catch-22 of diseased mental processing. Their intense fear of recognizing flaws in themselves triggers defense mechanisms that distort reality – in effect magically erasing flaws. They are intractably unable to recognize that they are ill. Without this recognition, they are incapable of participating in a process of change. They can’t get better because their disease prevents them from accepting that they are ill.
Like a vase that has cracked so much that it becomes an eyesore and not a thing a beauty; like the victim cut so many times that any touch results in anguish; the relationship has slid down the slope and cannot be pushed back up. There are some few ways that change can be fostered in a narcissist; but they are usually not under our control. We must recognize the dynamic of this deterioration; realize what the future holds; and make decisions to change the only thing we can control: our actions. I often face the question: “How can I fix this?” The answer is that we can not. Once the relationship reaches the point where the narcissist is escaping by leaving, the possibility of improvement is very small.
A BIT MORE RICHARD SKERRIT XX
Update…i know you people probably think she is full of shit, but she told me today she is packing…will be back by Friday latest. She astounds me….
I don’t see how she can burn me with this new situation as it is now. I will just see what happens, but as long as I am not playing or going along with her drama whatsoever, I can’t get hurt…right?
I finally REALLY let go…and she comes running.
Now, I have to keep it like this permanently, correct?
Don’t get sucked in…don’t get re-attached…
Look elsewhere for love…cuz she isn’t able to offer it.
Stand my ground…continue to establish boundaries…
Look after ME…and my children.
Focus on MY needs…and continue to not worry about hers.
Is it possible that this will work or am I setting myself up to lose???
That post was very interesting Michelle…was that specifically in response to my last posts, or just put on here in general for information???
It was for you to read raan. M xxx
Mark, Bitter…where are you ?
I was hoping for some insights from you both…
I appreciate any comments you have about all of these new developments.
I am telling you…THIS time…THIS is different, or IS it?
I am on my guard, and don’t believe anything she says, but I really think that this is different…AND real.
She’s packing as we speak (or so she says)-
Oh! She is bringing the oldest boy back too to enrole in school HERE vs. leaving him with her Mom so he could finish the school he was at…this is promising as it appears she is serious about staying here more so (longterm) with bringing him back HERE to go to school.
I am not stupid, but in THIS case, I DO believe she is coming back by Friday.
Please comment…
raan
she will always do the opposite !!
they dont like to admit that there has been a mistake made on their behalf …so as long as you dont pay too much attention to the actual situation that is at hand …naming her moving back in
just keep busy …perhaps even not be there when she does come back
if she moves back try not to notice..!! or talk about the
obvious ..stay quiet
let things settle …in fact you may never be able to bring up what has happened in the last couple of minths if you know whats good for you .. 🙂
alive and swimming from OZ
we are losing our city to water : (
I see I am repeating myself on the last several posts…sorry about that.
I agree with Lost,
I am all messed up mentally… between the abusive marriage I have been in… and the bp relationship…. I no longer trust… or believe I can receive love…. the weirdest thing has happened to me two days ago… my old boyfriend… who I was in love, my first love, thirty years ago, emailed me on Sunday… he found my name on Google and my email address too… he contacted me saying he had always loved me…. had married someone else… with whom he doesn’t get along….. and to make a long story short said he always loved me… well… because of the bp experience and all, I am hardly able to believe him…. I am expecting this to be a sham… for him to think I am repulsive just like my bp did… I am holding back… I am not excited at all like I thought I would be…. I am flat… without emotion…. except for the fact that I hardly slept, but it was as if I was having an out of body experience, as if I wasn’t really part of the scene…. I am not able to open up… I am dead emotionally…. I think that this is what my brain is doing to avoid any further hurt and injury…. did this happen to you guys too? I am almost reveling in the fact that I am emotionless… I am robotic almost…. this should have been the most stunning experience of my life: I loved this guy so much when I was 21, that I would have given my life for him, but my bp love has taken over even that… can it be brain chemicals?…. I know this has happened to you guys too… we should do a study about this… it’s unbelievable… 🙂
Wow josie, that is uncanny, its very similar to me, last year an old boyfriend contacted me through facebook, we were together when i was sixteen to seventeen, he had just split from his gf and me around 3 months from the BP. he lives down south and me in the north now, he drove up to visit and we got on well, but i too am like you, i am emotionally dead for the time being, i was scared and i have ran away. i stopped texting and talking to him on the phone and basically i have done his head in, i am cold, he keeps asking me what the matter is and the more he does this, even tho i have tried to explain, i run away more, i want it all to go away, i want none of it to ever of happened, but josie everything happens for a reason, and in him i saw myself, how i was, used to be, whatever, its neediness and clinginess and very low self esteem, almost as if someone was trying to show me something i’d never seen before or understood, if that makes any sense at all. so i have learnt something, i guess!! clinginess and neediness does push people away. the mere word “love” made me run mile, is it cos we associate love with hurt and pain like with the BP or what??? dunno – am figuring this out xxxxx
Hey all my buds are coming back 😦 not good. Josie you are feeling it too huh. I’m doing half assed with a few woman found another free singles site and chatted with three woman. One called me and started telling me her troubles. I hung up on her and unfriended her fast. I’m finding I can numb myself down by talking to and going out with so many woman I don’t remember there names. I want to be numb too josie I’d sell myself to the devil for some good ol fashion don’t give a fuck. The chick michelle went back to old suger daddy so her kids can finish school. Whoreing herself out for free tuition. Wtf kinda people are out there? They all suck! Still can’t think of anything exciting to do. Maybe a one man crime spree and let the police end this shit for me. Don’t sleep right don’t eat right haunted by all these lovly woman from my past and can’t find one decent one out of hundreds. Have to learn to love myself? Crock of shit. I wish I were a kid again before all the woman turned to being greedy hoes. Yeah I’m fucked up in the head but I’m still me doing what I can and getting screwed for it blah blah blah boring bull shit. Delete delete and delete all picturs and text get buzzed on weed and drink beer smoke butts and take the booty when you can. Bipolar has taken over. Everyones fucked up.
I, too, am a hollow shell of a once trusting and loving man. I am flat emotionally to some degree as well. Being with BP that has been on an episode for almost half of a year and trying to stick it out with all of the emotional abuse done towards me (and I took it!) has damaged me.
Something can be done about it I do believe in my heart, but I will never again be the same. I don’t know what or who to trust anymore.
I think time heals a lot of wounds, but this type of scarring is serious. This kind of emotional damage can be lessoned by 1) refusing to give up on your core beliefs and 2) be true to yourself and 3) don’t buy into BP BS and all of the drama associated with someone with this type of illness.
I’ve learned a lot, but have suffered a lot too.
Now I know why they call this a SERIOUS mental illness.
And, I think it rubs off on you a bit by being around it. Staying STRONG…very strong helps a lot, but it does wear you out.
I’m very cautious no. This situation I am about to take on is scary. i am going to have to always be on guard and stay one step ahead. I have to remain unattached…not become too emotionally involved with her, or it will start all over again.
I have to not care too much. Difficult, but I find there to be no other way.
Hang in there babe.
yep looks like the saying is true, only the strong survive!!! and yeah raan i think it does rub off on us, i find myself doing bipolar stuff sometimes, i even get manic and low too, but not to a very high degree thank god xx
I just heard there are about 5 to 6 million Bipolars running around the US on a TV show the other day about the illness.That’s quite a few…
Bitter, I do hope you are alright, those pictures on the news are awful, are you right in the middle of all that, i hope not, how awful, take good care M xx
A comment on another site from a person with Bipolar disorder.
Myths About People with Bipolar Disorder:
Bipolars are liars
Bipolars cheat on their partners
Bipolars are manipulative
Bipolars are “spoiled teenagers”
Bipolars feel it’s “all about them”
Bipolars are angry and violent
Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are almost the same thing
Well now, that’s quite a list. It’s amazing I’m allowed to live outside with all the “sane” people.
For my own part, I am nothing like those seven things. I have never known a bipolar that was those seven things. Nevertheless, let’s soldier on.
Bipolars Lie:
Lying is not remotely a symptom of bipolar disorder. It does tend to be found with some personality disorders, however. That being said, I will admit it’s almost impossible to be honest about how I feel with people as they don’t want to know about it. My obfuscation is to prevent the other person from knowing how horrible I feel. If you’d like to know about the blood-dripping suicidal ideation, I’ll tell you, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know.
Bipolars Cheat
Depending on the survey, between 30%-60% of married people cheat. These are just your average run-of-the-mill-survey-answering-folk. Perhaps even more surprisingly, 27% of people who reported being happy in their marriage have had an affair.
Statistically then, at a minimum, 30%-60% of people with bipolar disorder also cheat. As hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder, it reasonable to think that bipolar disorder would lead to higher numbers, probably both in the person with bipolar disorder and their spouse. But with a number already higher than 50% in some cases, it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general. Most of the time it’s just the people in the relationship.
Bipolars Manipulate:
Again, this is not remotely a symptom of bipolar disorder. Manipulation is often associated with personality disorders, but not bipolar disorder.
Bipolars Act Like Spoiled Teenagers:
I’m not quite sure how to respond to this one. In fact, I’m not going to bother.
Bipolars Think It’s All About Them:
Mania or hypomania does have a symptom of “inflated self-esteem or grandiosity”. Basically, thinking that we’re the bee’s knees. This is different from the selfish “it’s all about me” concept, however. Again, that is more typical of a personality disorder. (Not that inflated self-esteem is the best trait either, but most of the time we have pretty low self-esteem, so give us a bit of a break.)
Bipolars are Angry and Violent:
There was a specific systematic review on this subject – I’ll shortcut it for you – bipolars are not more likely than the general population to commit violent crime (once alcohol use was taken into account). People with alcohol problems, bipolar or no, are a different matter.
Borderline is the Same as Bipolar:
Borderline is a personality disorder, considered part of someone’s “core personality” whereas bipolar is not. Bipolars have a distinct symptom-free baseline when the person is feeling well. A borderline’s symptoms are their baseline. Bipolar disorder is not borderline personality disorder. Period. They’re not even in the same family. Some symptoms do cross-over, but that is common in medical diagnoses. (Please read Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder Differences, which does justice to this topic.)
Just Because I Do It Doesn’t Mean it’s a Symptom of Bipolar Disorder:
In short, I’m sure there are bipolars who do lie, do cheat, do manipulate, are selfish and are violent. I have no doubt that they exist. But that’s not disorder-specific; that is part of who they are.
Just because a person with bipolar disorder does something, that doesn’t make it a symptom of bipolar disorder.
Wellwishing if this was true and all these things that we think they do but really don’t do were true we wouldn’t be here telling the same stories line for line. Of course its not them. They don’t do anything to us that we do not deserve. In any relationship you will find these things. But I tell you what my friend. God gave us the power of reason. And its up to us to ask lots of questions of our new partners. And if I ever find a real honest sincere woman I’ll keep her forever. But one small trace of this bipolar bs and I’m outta there. It only when they do not tell you they are sick until you fall in love with them that sucks. They always wait till you say those three little words before the game begins. So tell all your dates you love them and if they go retarded then you can both run away and not do any of the stuff this guy says they don’t do. Oh that’s right. Its not them. Its us. Stuff we do.
Borderline and Bipolar are closely related. Depression and mood swings are high in bipolar, as a person can be manic (one pole) and depressive (the other polarity) the next.
This switching back and forth is called rapid cycling.
Bipolar has three different forms:
Bipolar I–where the person experiences one or more manic episodes with or without major depressive episodes.
Bipolar II
Bipolar II–where the person has hypomanic episodes as well as at least one major depressive episode. Hypomanic episodes do not go to the extremes of mania (i.e. do not cause social or occupational impairment, and without psychotic features), and a history of at least one major depressive episode. Bipolar II is much more difficult to diagnose, since the hypomanic episodes may simply appear as a period of successful high productivity and is reported less frequently than a distressing depression.
Cyclothymia
Cyclothymia–involves presence or history of hypomanic episodes with periods of depression that do not meet criteria for major depressive episodes.
Borderline Personality Disorder:
It involves this Mnemonic (using the word PRAISE)
A commonly used mnemonic to remember some features of borderline personality disorder is PRAISE:
P – Paranoid ideas
R – Relationship instability
A – Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears
I – Impulsive behavior, identity disturbance
S – Suicidal behavior
E – Emptiness
Borderline personality disorder often co-occurs with mood disorders. Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.
Both diagnoses involve symptoms commonly known as “mood swings”. In bipolar disorder, the term refers to the marked lability and reactivity of mood defined as emotional dysregulation. The behavior is typically in response to external psychosocial and intrapsychic stressors, and may arise or subside, or both, suddenly and dramatically and last for seconds, minutes, hours or days.
Bipolar depression is generally more pervasive with sleep and appetite disturbances, as well as a marked nonreactivity of mood, whereas mood with respect to borderline personality and co-occurring dysthymia remains markedly reactive and sleep disturbance not acute.
The relationship between bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder has been debated. Some hold that the latter represents a subthreshold form of affective disorder,while others maintain the distinctness between the disorders, noting they often co-occur.
Some findings suggest that BPD may lie on a bipolar spectrum, with a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders. Some findings suggest that the DSM-IV BPD diagnosis mixes up two sets of unrelated items an affective instability dimension related to Bipolar-II, and an impulsivity dimension not related to Bipolar-II.
Hope this helps!
oH dear yep thats me _ BORDERLINE lol xx i flaming well knew it xx
its not unusual for 2 different people with 2 different personality disorders to pair together!!! that narcissist and the borderline etc omg xxxx is there any hope???? xx
9 out of 10 bipolars cheat statistically when on an manic episode
Statistically then, at a minimum, 30%-60% of people with bipolar disorder also cheat. As hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder, it reasonable to think that bipolar disorder would lead to higher numbers, probably both in the person with bipolar disorder and their spouse. But with a number already higher than 50% in some cases, it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general. Most of the time it’s just the people in the relationship.
Wishing:
regarding : it’s unrealistic to blame cheating on bipolar disorder in general.
Sorry babe, but that’s just a crock of shit…LOOK up the disorder when Bp’s are manic….it’s a common symptom in this state of mind to cheat CAUSED by a flare up of this illness. MULTIPLE sex partners…without any regard for their spouses or mates….
They cannot control this when it happens….
IT IS PART OF THE ILLNESS!!!
I am sorry…I totally disagree with you.
Bipolar and borderline personality disorder are so closely related to each other (similar) that diagnoses are often wrong with one seemingly the other.
MANY of the traits overlap.
Great to see you wishing – i see this bipolar thing is still bugging you. i definately think it is learned behaviour, they just do what they please and bollox to anyone else, cheif manipulators!!!!! my dad cheated constantly, but i dont think he was bipolar, i just think he waas disturbed somehow, he was never manic but am sure he had ptsd. no wonder its so hard to diagnose these things xxxx
I am not commenting…..
These paragraphs I have copied are written in the bipolar disorder website not by me…..by people who know more about this disorder than me!!
perhaps this particular website you got this info on is mistaken…view many as I have. I find that many of them do not document things as you posted from this particular site you have gotten this info from. I am not saying you are wrong, but I am not in agreement with this particular specific info. from what I have researched….it is more as I posted in general. Perhaps all of these other webites I visited are incorrect???
Regardless, it’s a serious mental condition that does affect judgment and when manic…DOES make many of the BP’s cheat when otherwise they would not….very common. THAT fact seems to stay a constant in most of the sites and books I viewed.
Hi everyone
am OK in Queensland
we managed to escape the worst of it
Towns were wiped off the map .
the worst floods in australian history …people got washed away just driving along the road and other complete families got wiped out in their homes while they slept
the worst was families clinging to their car roof and people clinging to their house roofs …..the poor animals suffering …kangaroos are all drowning …wildlife cant cope … broken me bad .. 😦
am very traumatised from just missing out …not being affected has affected me
got to thinking maybe this is how mental illness works
not being affected but coming close to it is so traumatic anyway
Josie will pm u same for wishing
am very sad today
saw things that shouldnt have !!
Cheers guys
Bitter I’m sorry you have to go through that down there. I don’t think people like us ever get a break.
I want to apologize to everyone on this string for my filthy mouth and crazy talking that iv been doing.
Want you to know I feel so close and free with all of u on here that I speak my thoughts where I’d otherwise be keeping them to myself. I haven’t been doing to good these past months and I’m still down with myself but I’m trying to hang in there.
Lots of people have it worse then me. But its the mentel anguish that I’m in that no money can pay to fix a broken heart or a wounded soul.
I beg the lord to forgive me for what ever it is I may have done to deserve this and please make it stop.
aw i know bitter its awful but you are safe thank god. yeah lost i beg the lord to forgive me too for whatever i have done lol was it something i did in a past life to deserve this?? omg when will it go away?? hahah you wouldnt be you if you didnt just speak your mind lol. xxx
Sorry all, been on an 11 day BP circus run since News yr day.
Bitter, so glad you are ok, sad to hear of all the destruction.
Raan,
MY brother. I wont hold back. Wake da fuck up. You’re going to get played my friend. I’ve walked in those shoes. She does NOT give 2 shits about you. ALL her motivation is selfish and none of it is for your well being. It will just have to play itself out for the lights to come on. If you get the kids and can survive, you won da war. I’d let her go, I know you dont wanta her that. I’m reading now Crusty and Timy are 2! different people, 2! Not sure where I lost track of the story but thought we were dealing with just 1 crusty juvenille.
Well, tomorrow is supposed to bring my Family back home. I’ll let you folks know how this plays out. I am on my guard and have learned a LOT from you folks. Thanks again.
With a ton of new insights and a broader knowledge base on this vile illness, i’ll do what I can to keep everything together. say a prayer for my Family everyone.
Thanks.
WELL, i GOT A CALL TODAY AROUND NOON FROM TERRI…TOLD ME I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T BELIEVE ME OR MIGHT GET MAD, BUT I’M REALLY SICK. I HAVE A FEVER AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE DRIVING LIKE THIS. AS SOON AS THE FEVER GOES AWAY, I’LL BE THERE. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT I’M FULL OF IT, BUT I REALLY AM SICK. I SAID WHATEVER. AS SOON AS YOU FEEL BETTER, LET ME KNOW AND I’LL SEND YOU THE GAS MONEY. SHE SAID TELL HER FRIEND LAURA (WHO IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW-WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO) THAT SHE IS VERY SORRY THAT SHE CAN’T MAKE IT. I TOLD HER TO KEEP ME POSTED ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS. TOLD HER TO GET WELL SOON.
ABOUT 6-7 PM, I CALLED, SHE SAID SHE STILL FELT THE SAME AND THAT SHE IS SORRY. SAID I PROBABLY DON’T BELIEVE HER (ACTUALLY SHE IS RIGHT-I DON’T). I TOLD HER TO KEEP IN TOUCH AND GET WELL. I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN TONIGHT. TYPICAL.
I FOUND OUT BEING SNEAKY THAT CRUSTY WAS OVER THERE YESTERDAY AND THAT TIMMY THE CRACKHEAD FOUND OUT…SAID HE WANTS TO DIVORCE HER AND TO SEND THE PAPERS TO HIS ADDRESS. I GUESS THAT HE IS SICK OF ALL OF HER BS TOO.
I THINK SHE’LL COME IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO…AM I WRONG???
ANY COMMENTS???
WOULD LOVE TO HERE ANYONES INSIGHTS…
hi raan
look what can you do really she is a law unto herself
she is stalling for a reason …maybe you will find out exactly what that is as this process unfold …
to be honest I would say it is male related …but isnt the reason she is coming back because the kids have to start school ?
she has had her fun and she is going to find it hard to settle into the house and a routine …its ok to do what you want when you want …please yourself at others expense but when it comes to the necessities of life like school , roof over your head , money and food she has to provide thses things for the kids .
she may settle a bit when she comes home provided you dont expect too much …just friends right !!!
cheers bittersweet
Well Bitter,
YES, we are supposed to be just friends…but she says we’ll just see how it goes. While I am not interested in a “relationship” with her either at this point…one has to expect that there will be some sort of relationship as we live together, sleep together, and just are not calling it anything nor committed or exclusive.I expect her to not be faithful nor honest, although-we have an agreement to FULL honesty. frankly, I think she is a lying cheating manipulative sociopath in this state of mind she is in-NOT like the Terri I knew and fell in love with and I personally blame the particular medicine she is on for the most part. She HAS to be aware of all of the crap she pulls regardless. I just don’t think she cares about anything or anybody but whatever she wants at any given moment and that changes like the wind shifts too.
I am not expecting much from her. In fact, I expect her to try and get over on me and nudge me into paying for whatever she wants….NOT the case though.
She ISN’T my girlfriend anymore. SHE will find that being in a relationship with me is vastly better than not and I think it will give her a rude awakening…perhaps.
At least my kids will be home, even if she isn’t in mind but body only.
Who knows…perhaps she will warm up to me in time, but I am not getting all mushy or lovey dovey over her…
She says she doesn’t know what she wants and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ANYONE. She wants to be irresponsible…sad…she is a Mother and has NO clue obviously and needs to grow up bigtime.
Like I said, I have two choices here…let it all go and the kids suffer, or see what happens with this new spin on things (friends with benefits?) I’ll be extra careful.
Any suggestions?
BTW, I think she is stalling too…probably spending time with Crusty if my detective work is accurate and I believe it is…
Also, I think I am going to try and get her Mom to Come HERE vs. terri going up by herself to North Carolina. Her reaction to this suggestion will give me an idea if it is REALLY her Family that she wants to visit or just have sex excapades every weekend up there.
I am not too into paying her way to spend time with sex buds every weekend -which is what I think she is trying to do….bringing her Mom here instead will give me a better idea without breaking my word about the weekend trips I promised …btw, i promised these weekend trips BEFORE she pulled that cheating crap in December on me…so, technically, i don’t even have to keep my word, although I think she will just move back if I don’t keep my word about the weekends.
Maybe I’ll try and go along too….watch her get all pissed when i ask this…she shouldn’t if her intentions are real.
What do you think?
I know I know….we have NO commitment…so why concern myself over this? I don’t want to be a sugar daddy for her to just do whatever she wants….she needs to be somewat responsible, doesn’t she???
Lastly, she could have left (school) the oldest boy up there with her Mom, and her Mom wanted her to do this…but she is bringing him home to enroll in school here…this is promising as it shows a more serious and long term commitment about all of this. I am hoping this will last.
raan
I just feel for the kids
someone has to provide shelter and routine for them and it look as though its going to be you …my concern is she will come back friends with benefits as you say !!
then you will be the responsible one being used for her games …she wont let go of these other men
so as long as you know this and can put boundaries in place to prevent her from doing this to you …a win / win for you would be get the kids in school into their little routine where they feel safe once more …
then take her cell phone off her as part of the boundary in place …that she can only use your cell for all calls to mum.
that she only visit her mum with you and that you remove all forms of independance from her ..this will virutally be impossible i guess
but whilst your at work …she will be bored ?
this can lead to problems …I just think if the kids were given a choice of who they want to be with …it wouldnt be her …
lets hope she doesnt take off and dump the 3 of them with you …could you handle this ?
Interesting….NO, she won’t leave the kids with me and leave. She could however leave while i am at work or just go up there and stay…refusing to come back. THAT is what she has done twice in the years we were together.
While I like the “boundaries” you suggest, it is agreed I won’t do that.
There ARE other things I could do…subtle, yet effective.
Yes, the kids would much rather be here with me.
raan
i know this sounds terrible
but i hope u r keeping your options open re.. other women
u may just meet one who will be faithful to you without all the mindgames
i know you love terri ..raan but really what is love like this if you receive nothing in return except a constant kick in the gutz
this is the problem with a bp they dont know how to sustain love …they ruin love ..then turn around and blame you for all the problems .
i dont know how much more of this u can take but i did 7 years with 5 year break and then he begged me to take him back …it lasted 6 months 😦
regards bittersweet
I hear you bitter, and Yes…I am keeping my options open.
Frankly, i hope i DO meet someone else.
ey…oooh…
Sheets of empty canvas,
Untouched sheets of clay…
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did.
Oh all five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Oh and all I taught her was everything
Oh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Shake beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have
All been washed in black,
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter so why do I sear?
Oh and twisted thoughts that spin ’round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have, all been washed in black, tattooed everything…
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…yeah…
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a star,
In somebody else’s sky,
But why, why, why
Can’t it be, oh can’t it be mine?
beautiful !
Its one of my most favorite songs. Very deep and very beautiful song.
Its called Black and its from pearl jam. I have been hanging around in queens on my second date with a new girl. Things seem hopeful. Already got my most important first kisses. I hope you guys are doing good. I’m always nearby if anyone needs to talk. Found myself speeding real fast down the road and realized it was time to stop before I taken it too far. Just chilling back a little now.
terri will be here in 30 minutes. For real.
wish us luck!
Good luck raan. Hope it works out. Don’t forget to keep your kool.
kids are all over me! Terri is very sick-walking pneumonia/?
she’s distant, but friendly….
this is weird!
good luck raan
http://www.narcissismcured.com/emotional-abuse.html
love kim cooper this is well worth a read xxx
http://www.narcissismcured.com/codependence.html
Codependence – where the pattern begins …
Many people who end up in emotionally abusive relationships have learned patterns of behavior as a child which psychologists call ‘codependent’ – this means they may have grown up caring for one of their parents emotions in an unhealthy way. This parent may have been irresponsible, childish, an alcoholic or had other addictions or problems that the family did not discuss openly, and as a child the codependent was expected to ‘keep this parent happy’ – despite the fact that this parent may have been very emotionally needy and demanding and quite a handful for even an adult to know how to manage.
A partner’s failure to meet regular and excessive emotional care-taking demands is NOT emotional abuse (except perhaps on the part of the person making those demands).
I am not judging here, because if this sounds like you, I want to help you learn better ways of getting your emotional needs met more effectively.
Everything is FUCKED. NOW, she tells me that she is in love with Crusty….
I don’t see how this is going to work…
Wish she told me this before she came back…would have told her to stay there.
She told me she wasn’t seeing anyone and that we’ll see how it goes…see what? nothing is going to happen unless she cuts this boy loose.
I made a bad decision l;etting her come back without knowing this…should have put my foot down and said…me or the highway
oh dear raan, i think we have warned you and warned you that this may happen, not that it makes it any easier, god knows there will come a time where you have had enough and walk away, i know cos i been there as many of us have on here, they will always pull the rug from under us love. thats the way they are. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That’s a Bipolar bear in sheep’s clothing 😉
raan
she doesnt know what she freaken wants
its not u then it is then its him
look just dont react …just say ok and let her go because after she gets him she wont want him either !!
she wants what she cant have !!
if she couldnt have u she would want u back !
if she can have u she doesnt want you !
this is what they do …its psycholoical warfare at your expense …just act like u dont care and let her go ..
tell her its ok u can have crusty …because i have actually met someone else myself …
then she will really be stuffed ..she playing u ..dont let her ..
my 20cents worth ..if it helps
regards bittersweet
raan
play the game My friend ..chess remember !
In your life You meet people..Some You never think about again. Some You wonder what happened to them. There are Some that You wonder if they ever think about You & then there are Some You wish You never had to think about again… But You do!
Lost
you are spot on with that
wisdom oozes from your wounded soul
all good ..keep truckin ..as they say !
regards
Bittersweet
MOre richard skerritt ………………………..hmmm i could do with finig MYself xxxxx
This Excerpt:
On Finding Yourself Report as Spam? Not.
To stop these mailings, click here.
[For those of you who don’t know this, I have spent a good bit of time advising people in the online support groups to which I belong (There is a link up top if you want more info on the groups.) and consulting with readers by phone (There’s a link to the right on that.) The most common stuck point that I see is someone who is married to a disordered partner, is in great distress, yet does not know what to do. Too often, we lose track of ourselves in the craziness of dealing with the unpredictable accusations and distortions thrown at us by a constantly angry partner.
In a recent excerpt I shared that my advice in these situations is twofold. First, learn as much as possible about your partner’s disorder, the kinds of behavior it leads to, how likely your partner is to be able to engage in a healthy intimate relationship, and what the prospects for improvement are. As I learned more about the scope of abusive behaviors and the disorders that underlie them, I felt that the existing literature really wasn’t able to explain this, so I wrote Meaning from Madness. I highly recommend it along with Tears and Healing.
Second, you need to learn as much as you can about what you are really about; what it is that you truly need or want in life; and what sacrifices you are willing to make to achieve that. This second part is what I call finding yourself. Tears and Healing deals mostly with this challenge, and the essay below speaks to it directly.
For many, these two are enough to enable new decisions that lead to changes. But some of us also have to get over the barrier of being in love with someone who’s bad for us. Understanding how and why our minds create these feelings is essential to breaking out of nature’s pull to keep us together. My second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! deals with this challenge. You can get all three books together here. Or, you can join my favorite-customers-club by adding my last and favorite book that gives a thoughtful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles: The Way of Respect. There is a package. that includes The Way of Respect.
As you can tell if you’ve read Tears and Healing, I’m more of a columnist than novelist, and most of my writing emerges in small essays. Most of these end up in these excerpts, and over time they’ve become a substantial body of work. They also contain my most current thinking on dealing with abusive situations and disordered people. My perspectives have continued to evolve, as I interact with more people over time. All of this new writing is collected in Tears & Healing Reflections, which is available now in a print-on-demand edition. The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five of my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections. The Relationship Pack has the four books that deal with relationships with a disordered person: Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, and Tears & Healing Reflections. These come in softcover, e-book, and quick-pack editions.]
On Finding Yourself
There is a lot to say about this process of figuring things out. There’s the problem of understanding what it is that seems to control the person you’ve chosen to be with. And there’s figuring out exactly how you got to be where you are, why it seems to hurt so much, and what happened earlier in your life that led to it all. But, when all is said and done, the real challenge in this is to figure out who you are.
I don’t mean your name, or your occupation, or even your religion or what kind of God you believe in. Ultimately, it comes down to connecting with that inner you: that down-deep fundamental foundation of what makes you a human being. Now, everybody sees this a little differently, but this is about connecting with your highest authority, bypassing the should’s and the must’s and getting really down to what defines what you are.
Seeking Yourself
When times are good, we are happy with what we are and where we are, and we don’t really need to push into hard questions. But when life puts us in a place where we wonder why we are suffering, why we are where we are, and we find ourselves totally confused about what to do to restore some balance in our lives, then we have got to look deeper. And ultimately, what we are looking for is truth.
It would be good if you could jump on the Internet, do a Google search for truth, jump to the vendor with the lowest price, and order some for next day delivery. No such luck. Truth is hard to come by. And the reason you can’t order it online is that only you can define it. And the reason you need to seek yourself is that the definition ultimately resides within you.
Now, I always struggle with this deep stuff. People have different beliefs and frameworks, and I don’t want to insult or alienate anyone. I believe, for what it’s worth, that we are all playing by the same rule book, no matter what we call it or whether we read it from left to right or right to left. So let me try.
I think, unless you’ve been down this road before, that you are going to start with someone else’s answer to the question, “Who am I?” If you’re a Christian, then you are probably going to start with scripture. If you’re more like me, then you’re going to start with something philosophical/ religious, like Peck’s book (p. 165), or who knows what else might click for you to get you going. What this will do is give you something to chew on, something that isn’t the right answer for you, because your answer will be unlike anyone else’s, but is in the right ball park. It’s ok if it has some aspects that just aren’t right, even 180 degrees off your course, because it’ll still give you something to think about. Some of the other sections in this book might help, too, like On Seeking Permission (p. 143), What Happened to Me? (p. 115), or Tears and Healing (p. 137).
What you are looking for is some certainty that “I know what to do.” And I don’t think you’ll find it in your head. I think you find it in your belly. It really doesn’t matter what you call it. For those with strong belief in God, you might call it God’s will. If you’re more ecumenical (and I had to look that word up, even though I felt that it would fit, I wasn’t sure in my head), then you may call it finding your inner voice or you inner truth. Whatever you call it, I believe you will only find that insight by inviting it. You must find a certain level of peace or silence within yourself, and you must be willing to hear the message you will receive. And it really will come like a message, seemingly from outside of your own awareness.
To make this happen, you are going to have to get humble. If you pray, you are going to have to do some serious praying—but not just the asking kind of praying. You’re going to have to do the kind where you ask and then you wait for the answer, where your question is put forth in a quiet, safe place and you patiently listen for the answer to come to you. When it comes, if you trust it, you will find yourself energized with a feeling of God’s will. Now, if you don’t pray, you’re going to have to pretty much do the same thing, except you have to really ask the question out into space. And you still have to wait patiently for the answer to come.
I still remember when I realized that I needed to divorce my wife. I was living with up and down abuse, suspicion, and controlling stuff from her. My home was not really emotionally safe for me. But I have always liked to soak in the tub, and often read. This refuge provided me some safety in a turbulent house. And it was one evening, reading and reflecting in the tub, that I realized that my truth, what welled up within me, what motivated and inspired me, was something that she could never be expected to accept and allow to flourish. It wasn’t a thought, so much. It was a feeling, deep down, that my purpose in life was greater than what I could accomplish with her.
For me, I call this my inner truth. It seems to come from outside my mind as a feeling. I can’t explain why, but I have learned to trust this feeling. Ultimately, when we are put in situations that tear us emotionally, we have to find this feeling and trust it, because looking outside for the answer to “What should I do?” is guaranteed to give us somebody else’s answer to our question. The only way to find our own answer is to ask the question and seek the answer.
This is the essence of finding yourself.
quiet on here, anyone know how raan is or the curren situation??? oh well i hope your all ok, i guess no news is good news? xx
Raan is up shits creek without a paddle and I am to full of guilt to kill myself but I should do it and get it done with.
omg why you full of guilt???? and i don’t want to hear anymore of that talk, do you hear me!!!! whats the matter to make you feel like that?? i too am down, omg xxxxxx
I’m sorry. I think of my kids and I stop myself all the time. I hide the tears from my kids so they don’t think I am weak. But I am. The Dr said I am supposed to feel this way but he don’t know how I am. I break down all the time now. The ups keep getting shorter and the downs lasting longer and its cold and dark outside. And sometimes I don’t know what to do so I don’t do anything and its not right for a man to be breakin down all the time cause iv been turned down for someone who has money and I feel worthless. I want the springtime to come back and I need to get away. And raan he is starting to feel the full weight of being pushed aside by the woman he adores and I feel so bad for him and his little babies it breaks my heart. So much pain and suffering on the inside who ever knows it..
We all know it …..everyone knows it, us, them….we all know it…….xx
Just say it wish. Don’t be vague. What else does everyone know?
So much pain and suffering of course!!
yep we all know it! xxxx
Terri is gone. it lasted about two weeks. She went ballistic after showing up…on facebook 17 hours a day…trolling for men, men, and more men….On TWO phones at the same time from morning to night and into the wee hours…Men calling here at odd hours…never gave me the time of DAY!!! Was SOOOO distant and rude…did not watch the kids at ALL. The kids were begging for attention. They DESTROYED the house, and everyu day it got worse. When I asked Terri about ANYTHING….whether about us or whatever…she would rage on me. She wanted to go get her stuff the first weekend..I let her…drama stories all weekend..wanting more money….
next weekend, it went from I’m not going this wekend to I need to get the rest of my stuff to My Mom needs my help, So I need to go Friday, to I have to go up Thursday night because my Mom is having a very tough time.
Needless to say, I found out she went straight to this guy she met online several days earlier and spent the entire weekend there and came back without the rest of her stuff.
I toook the computer away and told her that we needed the money…she cried. later, she asked to borrow 25 dollars..I told her I didn’t have it…later that same day…she offered me sex for the 25 dollars.
I gave her money to go back home. she said that she didn’t ewant to be here and that she said that she TOLD me that we are NECER gettiung back together ever-and that I just don’t get it. Funny…a few days prior, when she left to go up north on the way out the door and on many occasions while she was here the 2 weeks…she said in a sexy loving voice
“I LOVE you Raan”
Hmmmmph. Yeah…I jujst get that. Talk about sending mixed signmals.
I don’t know where she is…I took nack my cell I gave her as she was using up all oif the minutes, and I don’t know where her or my kids are. (orobably back in NC at her Mom’s…but I do not know for sure.
I am depressed and do NOT understand what is going on with this woman. SO many guys she was and is flirting with…TONS at once.
WHAT NOW???? Leave her be??? Call DSS??? HELLLLP!
Oh, found pussy pics she took of herself and was texting these to people…
also, the second weekend return, she came home telling me she had a new boyfriend….wow
Raan,
She’s on a manic run. I’d let her go. Try and find out where are the kids and if you are financially able to; make every attempt to get the kids.
Got some good news today. If I can chill until December comes around again I am getting out of this cesspool of a town and me and HA girl will rent a house together somewhere nice. The thought gives me hope I need to hang in there and look forward to big changes.
Lost-I am happy for you…
Mark- what do you recommend I do? please elaborate.
BTW-she has stopped taking the meds-even tho they were the wrong ones. I thought that this may be good to SOME degree as I was thinking that the meds were making her manic, and I still believe this, but she is more manic than ever.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Social sevices? Talk to the school? Cops?
I don’t want anything to backfire, but I want my kids if not all of them bnut at least Sophie since she is really only mine to be safe.
I heard today from people up there that called me that this Boyfriend she thought she had since last weekend dumped her…and that was why she wanted to leave. He wouldn’t take her calls…shge went to his house and he kicked her to the curb. She called me today with a restricted number so I don’t know exactlly where she is, but let me talk to the kids for a minute. heard her scream at them..and she asked me in a roundabout way for cash…I said bye.
I’m very upset today. I am worried. I’m okay…but I want my Daughter here and wish that I could get the boys too.
I coulld really use some sound advise right now…more than just let her go….please…somebody with an objective opinion….help me please.
Thanks so much.
Raan….so sorry but not going to be much help…..in this country we have fantastic facilities for the care of abused children, they could be removed from the home in under an hour but not sure if you have the same there?
If you did, I would call, ask for their help and get the children safe?
I know the place you are in….I am right there myself, I have discovered a world I never knew existed!!
But my children are safe and that would always be my No.1 priority! xx
Raan if she’s unstable you have to be careful. You should talk to either the cops and or CPS in person and let them know that she has BP and things need to be handled smooth and safely and that she is off her meds. I would do it if it were my kids. But these are the tough choices no one wants to make for someone else. I would atleast talk to the cops and see what they say? Cops have a way of understanding stuff like that. After all my father was one 😉
Raan,
Do you have the resources to financially taking all 3 kids? If not, maybe sophie should be the one you focus on. These are the tough decisions. I’d call a local Mental Health facility first. I’m not sure what town you are in, I’m in pittsburgh, the facilitys here beleive it or not are pretty good, organized, but overloaded.
Cops are an option, but they may call Child youth services or whatever its called in your state and town. They may or may not think the children are in any danger.
A manic swing up is going to have her runing around with her pants off not caring about anything but attention to her and her box. A swing down is going to have her soo depressed where she feels she unable to care for the kids. Are they in any school now? Do you talk to her parents or relatives?
The focus now has to be towards the kids. Shes an adult, BP or not she has choices the kids dont. If she wants to f up her life for attention thats on her, the internet is really a dangerous place for a manic BP, kid in a candy store, that and texting, pics of her box, shes playing with fire there, STD”s to say the least.
Look for a MH facility and ask to speak to a caseworker explain your situation, they’ll advise the next step. Cops, CYS, whatever.
I am really sorry you are going thru this. Let me know what else I can do.
Some friends of hers called me today and this evening. Sje is living back in the projects where she left from. I understand that she has to come up with 100 bucks to keep the place. probably not hard if all she has to do is spread her legs.
I am feeling a little better that at least the kids have a roof over their head for the moment. I want my Daughter here with me.
Thanks for the advise people.
Oh, the oldest who is the only one in school IS enrolled and made it to school today, although he was very late…typical. She can’t handle taking care of kids on her own.
Anything else??
Raan,
Start putting together a plan to get your daughter with you. Daycare, sitters, family whatever. She doesn’t need to be in that enviroment and if you have to go to court to get her and its a fight so be it. As far as terri, you got to just finally come to grips shes really ill and theres not much hope until she wants to fight this demon, thats the part thats destroys ya, you so much want to ease there pain, to help and they dont seem to care. Yea, they care when there hungry or need money and they’ll use I love you as a tool to get that but then they turn and there face is someone completely different, someone uncaring, like the world owes them everything.
You gotta have faith. Lame I know, but its what will get you thru all this. There’s a greater happiness coming your way, my friend when this movie ends.
Lmfao I’m glad you are happy for me because its a whole fucking year I have to wait to get out of this shit hole 😉
Raan just hang in there bro. Nothing in this life is easy. Actually it kinda sucks big time.
raan
am away at a wedding ..not mine..unfortunately LOL
can you try to get your daughter , thats what I think too
mark is right …xx
lost ..stop waiting around ..thats depressing ..live life !!
my 2 bobs
cheers guys
bittersweet
Hmm let me see.
#1 Don’t dwell on past. Check
#2 put ass in gear and disengage mouth. Check
#3 move forward not backward. Check
#4 listen to loud rock music and bury head in work on bike. Check
#5 revert back to step #1 if #2,3,4,Don’t work. Check
Ok I’ll try it your way. After all I hate the word depressing. Its depressing and it sucks 🙂
Thanks bitterbabe 🙂 umm since mark reneged on marrying you… Ohh forget it lol.
Troubled souls unite,
We got ourselves tonight..
I am fuel, you are friends,
We got the means to make amends..
I am lost, I’m no guide,
But I’m by your side.
I am right by your side…
LOST ..our moody weather report
well
* we have had the devastating flash floods
* the Brisbane city swallowed in the river
* have had one of the worst cyclones in living memory
so why not try
Bushfires
just for some thing new !! LOL
sounds familiar …
Bush fire hmmm. I’ll think about that one 😉
Ah, when me and sweet get together eventually, a bush on fire. Lol. Luv ya
I heard you pack a little lighter lol.
It’s not about the size of the lighter but the flame it puts out.
I know I know. That’s what all you guys with little lighters say lol.
Don’t worry about it 😉
everything sucks regarding Terri. Her mind is gone. She reluctantly chatted on facebook last night, but was about as cold as ice…mean..VERY distant and aloof about anything I asked. She seems to HATE me in her current mindset and appears to have some chip on her shoulder regarding me and deep to the core anger that she won’t tell me about or why…and won’t let it go at all.
I get the impression that she never ever wants to hear from me nor talk to again if it were not for having kids with her.She is SO shiity to me.
Ahe will not tell me where she is…doesn’t want to talk to me…won’t answer anything I ask…she says everyhting I say aggravates her….hmmph.
She says I never swept her off her feet for four years and why try now….incredible. She says nothing positive to me. Leave me the fuck alone was said. I’ll call YOU when I”M ready…not when you are was said.
She did call today, but I was not in the mood to be yelled at, so I did not answer. I do hope she calls back soon tho.
It seems like she is a totally different person. NOTHING like the Terri I fell in love with.
<<<<<<<<<>>>>
**I dont know what I want,so dont ask me ,not making my mind up yet
i hope all men u know who u are fucking choke
I am like a bird I will always fly away, I dont know where my home is.
(this one from last week slays me)>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Do not confuse: ‘Patching up things with our lovers’ and ‘Repairing the leaks in our inflate-a-dolls’.”
———————————————————————
I don’t know what to do or say to this woman anymore. I want my Daughter here with me. When she left, she said she’ll give me visitation in a week which is coming up in about two days. I hope she complies. I don’t trust this monster she’s become whatsoever. She is hateful and mean…very.
Anyone out there have any incidents like this with their BP mates in the past? What did you do?
I think it is over for good…I have no hope anymore.
Its over Raan…..like we all told you its was weeks ago, let it go!!
the comments under the <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> section are from her facebook posts….I don;t know why the explanation I wrote regarding this was not posted like I wrote??
Raan. Maybe it helps to see it here in print. But wish is right. Meds no meds manic or depressive. When it goes into more then 6 months or a year its time to say good by. I know that is the hard part. You will always have some sort of contact with her just like I have with my xwife. If you can some how get some sort of comfort from that it would be a plus for you. bipolar no bipolar sometimes people just change. And the younger a woman is when u get with her the more chance of change there will be. And if you don’t let up on her she will grow to hate you. So pick yourself up by your boot straps and try to move on. Or you will end up fucked up like me. And you don’t want that my friend. We are all here for you when u need to talk. I am learning everyday more and more how to inch forward and away. If you take giant steps forward chances are you will be knocked back in the same way. So stop worrying about what she is doing and start worrying about yourself and where you are and where you are going.
That is probably the most sensible post you have ever wrote on here Lost….every part of it was good advice!!
Umm thanks wish. I think? Lol.
I know I have been out there for the past two months or so. Hey shit happens I never said I am not messed up in my head. But one thing I can say in my defence is no matter how far out there I am my heart is in the right place. I used to think maybe I was a border line or part BP. But I am not. I am just a man who has been run through the mill. Misunderstood and taken at face value instead of for what and for who I really am. I am not a spoiled brat or a cold hearted person. And I hold no regrets about that. Yes I sometimes lash out at the people who do me dirty instead of walking away I will sometimes fix there ass as they are in desperate need of attitude ajustment. If I always walked away from them without setting them strait where would they be? 😉 I am fixing the world for the better one asshole at a time. Its not like I look for them. They come to me for help with there bad attitude so I do them the favor of fixing it.
I know it is hopeless….I don’t expect anything to come out it it reagrding her. I was merely posting what has happened as of late. I don’t expect her to come around. Whatever happened to her isn’t anything I did I think…something bad happened to her inside…and I don’t know what it is….I think it’s the BP mostly…maybe not. Whatever the case, she’s not the same person anymore. it’s sad, but it’s the case.
I am moving on….it just really sucks. She and I were supposed to marry and spend the rest of our lives together….we were so happy together…..
oh well…
Raan we know how it is and we feel for you we really do even if you think what we tell you now is harsh.
Its called tough love my brother. What you are in now the detachment stage will determine how you come out of this.
I hate bipolar disease with every ounce of my being. It steals our once loving partners from us.
In the all too short of time I was with my bipolar beauty we speeded to the point of talking about marriage and our future together.
One week before she left me she was so happy to be with me. So very much in love. Her eyes sparkled with excitement as she modeled her new tight pants and rocket dog riding boots! She glowed as she told me how this was the year she was going to ride with me. I am haunted to this day by those memories. But I know I need to move on. All has come to pass. I am having trouble keeping not finding new woman to fill the void. The reason being they all want to screw the bad boy. But they can’t bring me home. And it hurts because this is not what I want. So I will try to get out of my situation as soon as possible. Raan you can and will get through this. Try to stop looking back.
Only a week ago I heard the plans of the forever….everything was “forever”……”us” together forever!
Last night he told me to “Fuck off”…..seems it wasnt “Forever” after all?
While you scream at your woman, there;s a man wishing he could whisper in her ear, while you humiliate, offend and insult your woman theres a man flirting with her and reminding her how beautiful she is, while you hurt her theres a man wishing he could take her pain away, while you make her cry theres a man stealing smiles from her…post this everywhere if you are against domestic violence and mental abuse.
she called again today….still wasn’t in the mood to talk with her.
she left a message saying that I guess I don’t want to talk with my kids…..
bunch of psychobabble mumbo jumbo mindfuck manipulation being used to make me feel guilty.
I am not too happy with her at the moment.
Raan
if you want her back …give up now and try to move on
thats the only way you will have a chance
I know you love this women
so set her free
set yourself free from this torment
she will sense you have let go ..truly
let her go
dont clip her wings
dont talk to her
dont try
regards
bittersweet
wishing
he is still there …just waiting ..
thats what they do when they cant do anything more
he knows you are right , he doesnt want to admit he was wrong .
its not what they say , its what they dont say
its not in your time its in their time
time for them can be years
5 years later for me and he came back like it was yesterday
am praying for your bleeding hearts
cause the pain is intolerable
regards Bittersweet
Hey everyone,
its been two years of pretty hard slog to try and come to terms with the abrupt and savage exit from my “friend” This guy was so charasmatic sweet funny charming seemed soooo sensitive and intuitive..made me feel like i was so special and our friend ship was unique one of a kind…yet he could switch to being hideously vulgar and inappropriate almost glorifying in his sometimes filthy and rubbish making talk??? …please has anyone known what kind of stuff im talking about?
Did anyone ever notice really strange comments about sexual things or an almost manic need for you to listen to something rude or inappropriate?.. or an obsession to talk about some intimate detail from a past relationship? then lots of laughter and high pitched almost baby talk at times??.. This friendship always was hot and cold i accepted that cos i didnt really have anything to looose i was always giving and i didnt mind.. but sometimes.that certain stare or look that would occasionaly come unexpectedly..it could freeze my heart…but the warm boyish gorgeous lovely spritual person always came back and he just had such a lovely morality about him…has anyone noticed this kind of dichotomy? the angelic moral person who could laugh fiendishly and boyishly about his wickedness…openly admitting all his frailties with disarming honesty? He could morph into a lovely needy boy one couldnt resist but to befriend again
Yet…He could also find offence at the smallest thing or something i did or said that i had no idea i had done…and he would abandon my friendship…He once stated to a mutual friend “i can just pick up this friendship and put it down when i need to ” He would then separate from me and others…then when i would NOT show hurt or offense a couple of weeks later he would switch once again to this amazing person with such intelligence and beauty… i just could not understand his behavior…but i just loved my friend… My husband knew of our friendship ( we were part of a 12 step group) so it was very normal to have calls from other members… My husband had been at times abusive neglectful ignorant and simply not interested in intimacy..even from the beginning… it had been 22 years,.. but we still had a semblence of love and great kids and good things in our marriage altho i felt very lonely so often… i truly did NOT wish to enter into an adulterous relationship…i just loved being needed and wanted…. and it was delightful to think someone found me sexy..
I am having a really hard time just with finding closure…. i didnt want to go where this guy wanted to take me…he knew it and respected it…but he pushed woo-ed charmed chased and seemingly conquered …and then as soon as he got what he wanted he changed into the nastiest savage person who could say nothing nice about me… i had been his most loyal friend for over a year…having spent hundreds of hours on the phone as he reminisced about his problems…his religious beliefs his addictions … his love for and desire to get back with his girlfriend… That was was i was so good at … listening supporting and being a friend..
I fell in love with this person… i kept it secret even to myself…i resisted all the sexual overtures ( of which he would laugh about…state how he respected me but couldnt beleive i didnt want him that way…i actually didnt i just loved being found to be attractive to someone)..
When the sex was over he was like a different man again…stated really wierd things to me and others…. like being a rapist… going to prison and being raped himself… He rang mutual friends of ours screaming and ranting about what had happened between us in pornographic detail… stating to others i was crazy.. he wished he had never touched me..Then went off with the closest friend i had said he felt he had betrayed her?????? ( i didnt even know they were close in the way i was even as a freind but i didnt mind cos i wasnt jealous as i was not in a position or mindset to be demanding or jealous…my friend abandoned me also this girlfriend adored me… we had so much in common..but suddenly i was the enemy???? how the hec? what kind of pull did this guy have?… As far as i know they are still together…she is EVERYTHING he wants… im dumped demoroalised humiliated and disgraced… my name is mud..my support group smashed…they dont want to know me cos accourding to him ” i made him want me” and i pursued him and i was a wolf in sheeps clothing” ??? WHat the hec as happened…am i dealing with bipolar? borderline? Narcissist?
Its the NOT knowing…its the cruelty This guy said he loved me like know one he had ever known… theres so many other details that its impossible to give a full picture… its the lack of CLOSURE… please if someone can identify with this let me know…
regards,
Bonnie from wiped out land
wiped out…I am having EXACTLY the same problem right now with my Ex GF terri….go back and read my previous posts, and you’ll see a pattern here.
Right now, i am the absolute enemy. She refuses to let me know where she is…won;t let me see my Daughter or our boys…will not give me a phone number…filed taxes without me when I paid for everything and won’t give me a dime…..**I** gave her money to leave as she was “unhappy” here, and now insists I “kicked her out”…..blames me for EVERYTHING -claims I never made her happy when all I ever heard for 4 years was how completely happy she was….
She was SO sweet and loving to me for 4 years. Now, actually for the last 2 weeks…she HATES me. Will not call and let me talk to my kids….I have no way of contacting her-I even called her mom last Friday to let her know I need to ask Terri something…noting.
I am even blocked on Facebook now on her page…..amazing.
Sooooooo, YES. Borderline, bipolar, manic, whatever….the kind of behavior DOES exist….it’s not you.
hang in there.
Bittersweet, mark, etc…what do you people make of my situation??? Is this expected from terri?
wiped out….does anything I say here sound familiar to you (read my older posts) ????
All I can do is pray she gets in touch with me so I can have my Daughter for a while. Court case coming?
i am SCARED and depressed……
anybody?
Yes Raan,
Ive read all ur posts and i was just sickened by what u have had to endure and the way this lady has used ur poor children as pawns The way she says all that stuff and then throws you to the dogs over and over it must be absolutely devastating…Does it feel like a mental obsession from ur side tho like u just cant stop thinking about it? Like theres another dimension… and Its not like a normal friend or relationship breakup?…
Do u guys daily have to fight the feeling of dread and horror and embarrassment???what went wrong? what are they doing? what did i do? whats wrong with me?
When she says she loves you Raan…and she has come round saying this from what ive read do u get the feeling that she just could NOT be faking it?… it just sounds and feels soooo real NO-ONE could fake that kind of Love You can see it in their eyes and feel it in ur heart…or are we just tricked… is there some kind of spiritual force involved in the way it affects us? its not like anything ive ever known before…these feelings of agony.?
why do they get under the skin like this?… As i looked at ur situation over many months Raan, it seems a very definate patten…i used to actually feel a bit envious of you tho ??? sorry !!!! and others… cos at least your ones came back…at least u felt some hope at times…but after just 4 times in the space of 1 weeks of the push pull thing after he got what he wanted…i was just rubbish cast out like filth…no word from him… I was told by my dear friend to stop F$^^#^&&* up everyones life and to stop chasing him??? i made 2 phonecalls and a couple of please talk to me sms””
its like u guys were worth coming back for at least some of the time for a bit?… sorry if that sounds like i am not empathisisng i trully understand ur pain…but do u feel humiliaited like sexually traumatised and embarrassed? I just cant find any one who relates to this feeling of like being raped or something…He even recounted things (sexual) about me back to me about me ie describing really personal features or events and laughing about it????? Who does that…then tells others,,, yet still could seem so utterly adorable and honest when confronted??
I feel so confused..i need answers too 😦
Raan this lady is possibly the cruelest most selfish woman yet you still see, know remember her loveliness dont you… You must be utterly devastated
I think thats what is killing me…as i read back its the sexual humiliation..its like i feel raped i am so embarrassed and devastated that i could compromise all my spiritual values my morals and standards for this friend… This guy seemed to feel pain remorse guilt anguish so deeply… over many things…but as for me.. i was nothing… i was told dont ring me again i need to get over you… i respected that wish only to find he had shacked up with my girlfriend and had bad mouthed me no end….who can trash a person in this way… my husband forgave me…immediately…but he doesnt want to ever talk about it…when i tried to explain how his neglect and lack of desire made me feel and was a cause ( not an excuse) he became enraged and told me i had a get out of jail free card and i should be grateful…i was left haemorraging with the agony of shame and a broken heart and no answers… things are better between us but i need closure i really do..
Bonnie. We have all been re conditioned by these ass holes. Sit back and read what you yourself wrote. He picks out intimate parts of your body and then makes you feel self conscious of yourself. Throws you off center removes your self esteem and then comes back nice and sweet until he is ready to break you down another step.
Its called low self esteem and this is the gift BiPolar has brought to your life. If you didn’t have low self esteem before. Well you do now. There is nothing spiritual about these ass holes. They only use what has worked on others in there past. Like a broken record they will play it over and over again because it works for them. Is knowing they are sick a reason to forgive forget and stay with them? Hell no. You should run away as fast and as far and as quick as you can. I will NEVER knowingly date one of these human pieces of shit again. They will destroy your life and that of others around you and they don’t give a shit. In fact they enjoy it. Sure they will cry to you about how bad they feel and how they must stay away from you for your own good. But its all part of the game. They make you think they are brutally honest and caring. But they are NOT. They will use you up and then discard you like trash. All the while being in love with them self. Don’t fall for it. Am I hostile towards ass holes yes I am. They brought out the self hate that was hidden in me and cause me to want to inflict self destruction on myself. Remember its there problem so do not make it yours. Raan you are in divorce court from here on in. Go by the books and get court order visitation. Disconnect from the past as best you can and move forward a little at a time. Stop looking back. The sweet Terry you once knew is gone. sad but true. I am still trying to find a decent woman out there. Still trying to destroy myself even though I know what I’m doing is wrong. Its been set in motion and even when I feel good I still do not feel the way I used to. Bipolar people suck..
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply Lost…
i have recieved counsel on this before…it gives relief and a sense of understanding for a time but then its like i get this sickness… soul sick grief death feeling.. and like a kind of emotional amnesia and i CANT remember what i have been told and the rational explanations dont come to the forefront of my mind.. ALL i feel is LOVE for these people ? I want some anger and bitterness!!!! ( i joke)..:( …I just cannot believe these people are bad and i am so convinced i MUST have done something or been disgusting for this to have happened??…its been two years and i also feel the shame and pain over and over and over and over… what the hec is going on with me..
Are u saying that when he stated that really personal stuff in a conversational way it was to deliberatley actually shame or humiliate and cause me to loose even more self esteem??… He knew how hurt and damaged i was he knew of some really complicated and terrrible family of origin problems…work traumas …bullying…past rejection from friends that had near on killed me I never divulged the stuff about my marriage i felt too “loyal” to do that…yet he did this on purpose? it just seems too unbelievable he had so many good points?? mixed in with this crazy addiction to porn and sex talk and weird religious belief..
As i write this is seems so bleeding obvious…but my feelings DONT match with the evidence…i cant get past the truth and loveliness and gratitude he sometimes showed me.. i feel something has been hijacked?
he could be so innocent and honest with all his failings… HOW can this be faked?? But when i believe and really start to tell myself this could be how it really is and i read what u say i get so relieved!@!! It starts to make sense… but i can NEVER keep believeing it ???what the hec is wrong with me??
…after i GAVE everything ( he stated i had given him everything at one brief stage) he commended me for it… stated we would always be VERY special friends…then days later was ranting about all this really personal stuff and i was a total waste of space…
but Lost…i still COULDNT beleive it even then?? when i cried out in utter despair and was abruptly told to MOVE ON by these so called other “friends”… who had NO time now to support me all of a sudden …i actually went back to him several times trying to find an answer ( he phoned finally after ignoring me for over a week saying “sorry i ran away” but In between getting that hostile killer look …ignorance of any sms’s… asking him “did u really say that about me”” why are u so hostile now? etc… he told me my expectations were too high??? avoided everything…told me to stop listening to people who were making stuff up…then immediately did this seduction thing that was utterly mesmerising 3 more times… only to push me away again with such contempt… and tell my girlfriend i was mad and to have no contact with me.. My friend had previously supported me without restraint she was like a soul sister i never had… suddenly i was “dangerous”… (her words) as she proceeded to divulge what had happened what i had done and my fall from grace to other mutual women friends behind my back…
If u put the anger you feel on the back burner..Do you think tho that they mean..really do mean there declaration of love at the time however fleetin? i can see ur very hurt and angry but.. i ask u this cos I.remember reading one of ur posts a while back… where u stated u could not doubt that love and adoration in her eyes…do u remember writing that?…
Lost did she ever embarass u sexually? How long did ur relationship last and did u see the hot cold push pull thing right from the start in some way?
I also remember reading when u had such a tender and broken heart toward her and it seemed like pain and confusion and loss and hope was in everything you wrote… From where i stand (and this is NOT judgmental criticism) i reckon u sound like a beautiful sensitive person but the way u have been writing lately indicates that lady has caused you to become poisioned by bitterness and hurt. that its kinda changed ur personality?..
I really hope u dont let her win Lost… really really dont let her win bitterness kills your soul like cancer and she will get off scott free…
i hope u fight that horrible hatred and anger otherwise she will have thieved… even more from you … the love and kindness that was once natural to you 😦 How dreadful for her to be able to destroy you now?…she is not even suffering for how she acted but bitterness is the poison we swallow hoping someone else dies becos of it… Dont let her win Lost i dont know how ur gonna do it ( i prayed against it actually to the Lord seriously i just couldnt deal with that as well…cos i have experienced it in the ..past big time… its is a dreadful feeling and i honestly wanted to kill some people or wanted them to die etc i was so so furious and angry and resentful…)
sorry for the rant… but please Dont let her win Lost…ive wanted to say that to u for months now as i have been reading ur posts 🙂
Your greatest victory would be to love and trust again xo
What lost says is pretty true. These bipolars can devastate you. i was once a fairly confident, easy going happy strong man. Now, i am a hollow shell of a once centered and go-gettim driven man plagued with uncertainty, self doubt, and low self=esteem. I can barely make it through the day now. She has driven me to the point where I don’t care about anything nor myself at this point. Cruelty and lack of remorse for her actions toward me has ruined my soul. I don’t know if or how i will ever get beyond or over this.
Today, i just want to sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up again. When i awaken, I realize that this isn’t a nightmare – it’s reality and that the love of my life has caused this.
sad….very sad.
All anyone can do is try and move forward and attempt not to think about it….so hard.
I feel there is no hope. Truly.
I am trying to move on.
What I saw in her eyes may have been lust. No she could not in anyway shame me in a sexual way. I may lack in other departments but not there.
BTW, humiliation, cruelty, rage, anger, manipulation, controlling and denial are just a FEW of the constants that these BPs use to drain you and drag you down.
Also, NONE of these traits were part of Terri in the 4 years we were blissfully in love.
What makes these individuals behave like this? They know what they are doing…..they just don’t care….perhaps this illness makes their judgment all screwed up, but it just really hurts when you are on the rcviing end of it.
I wonder if terri ever truly loved me and if it was all an act to just use me or get money out of money or something. i KNOW she loves or loved me. I do NOT know what happened to her, but she changed with the illness taking over. She is GONE mentally now. She rants and raves about stuff that isn’t even true or real….in fact, she will try and argue a point that holds no water with reality. She doesn’t take care of the kids and that just is NOT like her.
Bipolar disease is a serious mental illness.
it likely has NOTHING or little to do with anything any of us has done.
they are SICK and that’s all there is to it.
Raan
there is hope I know this… i know i want closure and answers tonite i felt desperate for that so ive been writing as u know… i may not ever get those answers…but I do have Love faith and Hope..
i promise u You will get thru this we all will i just know… we all will
Truly there is Hope.. do u pray? it does help..its the only thing that kept me from complete mental breakdown..im not totally healed but i am a long way down the track toward it..
You know as much as i have hated not having contact…in some way i can see how it is actually kinder that this happened that i was forced into no contact .. I think maybe God orchestrated this cos i would not have been able to keep away..( much to my own moral shame and failure).. But as you have little sophie and the boys.its so much harder isnt it.. You say theres no hope but Sophie and those boys need for you to not have that mindset… to be stable for them when Terri does finally come back ( and she will) even tho it will be to use you financially if you let her..
Raan I honestly feel u need to take aALL the advice about lawyers and everything Lost and others have told you to do …and get something in place to STOP her doing this to u at least in the way the kids are concerned…Get decent regular visitation rights … stuff that will put her in jail if she doesnt comply…and at least salvage the proper decent thing that needs to be given to these kids..or ur daughter at the very least…and that is stable regular contact with you Raan… A dad who is constantly in their lives…
i know u feel weak but my friend you simply gotta pull it together for them…they only get one childhood and Terri is destroying it…She is a thief also..Dont let her steal ur relationship with the kids as well as destroying you..Raan u gotta find a way to not let her win as well just like Lost .. for what its worth… i mean no offense and i know its not easy beleive me ive been in a pysche clinic over this rocking back and forth on a chair for HOURS on end …unable to leave the house… bulimia pill popping to cope with the anxiety and lack of sleep.. unable to work for 2 years!!… im only just coming back from the dead …but it can be done… You need help and ive found the only way is on my knees looking up..
Having said all that i would kill for some more answers and final closure… at least the pain is subsiding.
i started training today…to look after people suffering Motor Neurone disease..i left the house and didnt feel anxious about the prospect of returning to the work force.. Miracle…. you have no idea…
still want answers tho… still feeling the feelin the confusion… its not going to kill me however
Hugs xox
Everything they do and or don’t do is thought about days weeks in advance. They will find out your weak spots and exploit them in there favor. I don’t like feeling the way I do but it is what it is now. In time I hope to forget and become whole again. But for now its all day by day. I need to feel anger to get past the hurt. That too I hope will fade away in time. I can only hope for the best and I think I may be getting better but I do slip back to self hatred one every so often. But it passes.
well, I guess i needed that sleep. I just woke up and it’s 3:30 in the afternoon. yikes.
I should have worked…I need the money…damn.
damn.
I need to get back on track…..
Always need a plan of some sort so you can focus on and set a goal. the only way out for me is to stay focused on a replacement biotch to fill the void that is instilled in me. Yes I am missing my adorable bipolar girl. But she’s not missing me. She has left the building and gone from me for ever. Forever is the sad part.
Bittersweet, Mark….any comments on my current situation??
Bittersweet- I am doing what you advised….no choice actually. I have not heard from Terri in a week. This is unprecedented. In the past, I would normally have heard from her by 3-4 days tops. Now that she has filed the taxes and got a refund….it appears that she doesn’t need me – that is until she runs out of the several thousand she probably got.
I believe that she is back with Crusty now. Indicators suggest this.
The school that the oldest boy was going to came by here recently and said that he has missed 25 days of school so far this year. That’s a quarter of the year missing from school. I hope that DSS steps in and takes the kids from her.
oh! I forgot to mention that Terri said last week that she didn’t want Sophie here with me, because **I** was unstable…..yeah-RIGHT!
unbelievable.
Raan she said your unstable? Sounds like classic projection to me.. Go to family court and get your visitation rights put into a court document she will be forced to adhere too.
I have looked into the court possibilities and there ARE problems…not just with the mother typically having all rights in kids born out of wedlock, but on my end…there are strikes against me – numerous.
i wish i could say it was a slam dunk or even close…..
Raan
let her go …
get used to maybe no contact for several months
thats how long it takes
not just weeks or days …months
your pain will heal in that time and you can then make clearer decisions
you will never be able to make decisions whilst she is running off with someone else
the anger alone clouds judgement
you may need some hypnotherapy or councelling to recover ..if you can recover on your own you will be stronger for it …meet new people & friends
dont shut the world out or u will go down big time
Look after YOU get back to who you used to be
it will give you more options down the track if she does decide to come back …
the power of seduction is very desirable to them when they need something ..its just if you will want her back in the future
you may have moved on and the love is gone ..we are talking maybe 6 months to a year …just try it …
I know you cant forget her but just concentrate on YOU
regards Bitter
Just let her AND the kids go? Is that wise?
I hear you Bittersweet.
i am sure she’ll contact me when she is out of the tax refund….until then…work on myself. Got it.
I miss my kids.
You really think it will be MONTHS before I hear from her again?????
What in blazes is she SO pissed at for anyway? It’s like total resentment and anger I have never seen from someone….
I know I didn’t do anything wrong to her.
Why can’t she remember all the love we had anymore?
I am pretty certain the anger she has towards me is actually guilt she feels being so fucked towards me. It’s gotten pretty bad…her anger…hence-the guilt fueling it.
Am I pretty much correct here?
Raan, This is a COPY of a paragraph written by a bipolar specialist….
People with borderline personality disorder have extreme difficulty in holding a continuous memory of people and things over time. That is part of the disorder. You can have a fight with someone you love, as a healthy person, but recall that many times before that fight they have been there for you loved you etc. You know it is only a moment in a much larger relationship. People with bpd can not create and hold this picture. To the extent that if they are seperated from a loved one long enough they loose all emotional feelings for them because they can not retain them. A person with bpd can only retain the way they last interacted with someone. Its as if your making a first impression over and over and over. So as they can not retain anything about how you are or were to them in the years before they only know how you last interacted with them.
If you hurt them thats all they know of you. So they go away.
Its not a choice its a result of a difficulty and in some a total inability to retain a whole picture of people and things.
I dont know if you can grasp this. Its complicated if you do not know it to understand it. Take the last interaction you had with anyone. Now imagine that you have no recollection of anything else theyve ever done said or meant to you. How would you relate to them?
Just wondering…
Why do we think these guys have bipolar?… i look everywhere on the internet and some characteristics seem to check out but in my case others dont…
i once asked a Pyschiatrist and he said this kind of behaviour indicates pyschopathic behaviour?… so do u reckon its possible all this stuff overlaps?
Occasionaly ive read about how bipolars are feeling terrible at the way they are portrayed being pidgeon holed as these bad people and they say “we are not like this”?
I guess its just this constant confusion over what happened and why we were dropped on out head i cant get past so i keep searching..
Lost i know where ur coming from. re having to move thru anger grief etc .. why do you have self hatred tho? i can understand low self esteem and feelin like crap etc just not sure what u have done that makes u feel such hatred over ur you-ness … really im just trying to figure out so much here…
Raan glad u had a good sleep u must have needed it… what are u going to do about visitation.. even if u have some not so good marks against you cant u still have parental rights? surely?
Wiped out,
i think in terri’s case, she is on the wrong meds for starters and NOW, she takes none whatsoever.
She is not just Bipolar, but i think ADD or more so Borderline personality Disorder and most definitely Psychotic and/or sociopathic behavior.
Plain and simple…she’s GONE-out of her mind.
I watched a show about carrie fisher today. She’s bipolar and reminded me of terri’s behaviour a tad.
it’s almost 5 am – I hope I can make it working today.
I am exhausted. even with a lot of sleep today.
Stop worrying about behavior….they are ill. that’s it..mentally ill.
raan
I dont think you have much choice all round really
in relation to the kids and especially sophie
you can have faith in one thing that will eventually bring terri back to you
I have mentioned it before and will say it again as a sloe parent of 30 years
no other man will treat her kids like you did , she will learn this the hard way , it will take its toll on her and them but mostly her , when she discovers that they do not really care about her kids , yes they want her but not the kids ..she will find this out in a very cruel way
she wont be able to rely on a man she is with to give those kids what you gave them freely ..love
the anger comes from guilt ..she is angry because she wants to be able to do irresponaible things without you questioning her behaviour , she is angry because she knows you know her …thats is all it takes
she knows you know her well enough to know she will come undone ..she is trying to proove to herself she doesnt need or want you …so let her
she can try all she wants but at the end of a few more months of misery and onone treating her kids with the unconditional love you did ..she will discover the grass is not so green …
she is going to go through a hard time , you can be rest assured of this ..meds or no meds what difference does it make ..she is still the same person under all the playacting
so just wait be patient ..she hates you now ..thats a good thing usually they wind up doing the opposite to everything anyhow
she thinks she hates you because she has to tell herself that …so she can move away …the reason she runs from you today may be the reason she returns but not tomorrow …like I said give it months , dont ring her
dont text her …STOP yourself everytime u go to do it
tell yourself if you do text her she will hate you more
if she knows you are sitting there waiting for her she will keep you there everytime
if she hasnt heard from you and you stop being nice to her …then she will wonder what happened
they always want what they can have or what represents a challenge
so give her a fuking challenge mate …IGNORE HER completely
regards Bittersweet
Thanks Raan,
yes i can see that what you say makes sense..especially the borderline ADD phycoses stuff ….its a mixture… i think too… so many things all in one horrible ball
Wiped out/Everyone else
Low self esteem/self hatred.
I grew up basically ignored. Pops worked two jobs and moms was hooked on valume. School sucked teachers treated all cops kids like dirt.
Married a cheating lying woman. Nasty divorce. Tried to do the right thing to make others happy and always seemed to fail. Meet new woman and unknowingly fell in love with bipolar girl who loved/Hated and dumped me. Used for sex and discarded by more woman. Found someone who I thought really loved me but turned out she was using me until she could find herself a sugerdaddy. She recently came back professing her love for me. After three days she was offered a payout by sugerdaddy for her return. She took it and left. Found out just how heartless and uncaring she really is. Now I think I am to blame for being who I am. I cannot help being me. Sometimes I feel too much. Other times too little. Nothing works out right with the woman I meet. There is always some reason to push me away some say its so they don’t hurt me! Fucking joke? More low self esteem from being rejected for what? Being me? Not being rich? Not good looking enough? Being where I live? Self pity self hatred. Tired of being hurt lied to. I don’t know if this answers your question? Met a new very pretty woman. She wants to take it slow. I feel numb. Never felt this way before. Hollow empty I don’t really care too much about anything or anyone.
Raan/Everyone
You can take my advice or you can discount it as shit. But I suggest that you disconnect your mind from terry. You are doing the same things I do and have done. You are slowly self destructing yourself. The more you worry and wait and sleep deprive yourself the further you will unravel in your heart mind and soul. Do Not Go To This Place. There is no promise of a return from any bipolar or any person who decides to leave. The more you wait for what may never happen the more hurt you will feel and its damaging to feel hurt for months at a time. You put your life on hold while they play. Just get your visitation rights on court order and pretend you are divorced. Even if she comes back there is no guarantee she will stay or for how long. You have no rights towards having her brought to a hospital to be stabilized or meds changed. Don’t punish yourself for problems you did not create.
I have read everything you have all wrote and decided to just share this with you all….. you can read it, dismiss it, ignore it or try it….
The only thing I have learnt from spending 2 years with a man that suffers from Bipolar is they will never return to a weak person, they stick with the strong, the people who challenge them, the people who put down the boundaries, the people who walk away……
If you let a bipolar person wear you down, take over your thoughts, humiliate you, destroy your confidence you will never hold on to them……
Lost,
i see exactly where u are coming from 😦 I can identify with so much of the early kid stuff .. Added to the mix.Our dad was a savage narc who thrashed us kids without mercy many times. really bad family dynamics all thru out also.
I do understand the low self esteem self pity hatred thing i think i went thru that for 8 years just before meetin bi guy…didnt really recognise it…
i think i so needed the validation of other people that i have let them dictate my self worth… I have given people so much control over what i think about myself by believing the way i have been treated must be because of my low value..All very nicely reinforced by these parents and a couple of viscious brothers along the way..
i can actually understand how people develop those multiple personality or “alters” feel like i would like to morph into one of them right now…:)
I really hope a beautiful sensitive lady finds you and vice versa.
Thank you wiped out & back again. Its speeding into a blur and I’m not feeling it so bad anymore..things just come and go. Ty
Wiped your very sweet too!
Wish:
It sounds almost like a challenge what you wrote. Basically if your not smart or tough enough to handle these BP people you will be walked on and they will only return to those who set boundaries and are willing to wait it out for months?
So you put your life on hold until mrs or mr bipolar decides they are ready to come back and trash you again.
Wouldn’t it be smarter to forget them and there hate filled rants and move your life forward and find someone who is capable of having a loving caring and healthy relationship? Instead of the constant battle for control? Or a part time partner who everytime things get tough or don’t go there way takes off on you?
My advice is do not put your life on hold waiting for the partial return of these people. Move forward and learn from your mistakes. Do not live your life in a never ending pissing contest with bipolar diseased people. Be with someone who makes you happy everyday. And someone who is there for better or for worse.
Of course it is Lost…..if that is what you want but sometimes as in Raan’s case he doesnt want that does he??
He wants her and unless he listens to the way it has to be done then he will lose her…… has she not done everything we said she would to date??
The person you should listen to the most on here is Bittersweet she has had 12 years of experience, she knows more about this illness than we all do!! She knows exactly how to handle it!
Yeah well… 🙂 🙂 🙂 thanks Lost…(soon to be found im sure!)
Wiped.. I am always only found for a short time. Usually a few months and then set loose again. The best is when these gentle ladies tell me that in order to not hurt me they cut me loose lmfao WTF do they think they are doing when they tell me that shit? Now I try to just smile and walk away.
Wishy washy 🙂
Raan is in a tough spot. We understand how it feels because most of us also have kids and had to endure divorce. Whether it be with a bipolar spouse or not. That is why I tell him treat it as if he was in a divorce. Get visitation on paper so she can’t screw him out of the time with his daughter.
Raan you are one step above us in the fact that you will always have chances to get her back. If you choose to except that mission mr Raan. But if I were you I’d use it as a heaven sent and go out and find yourself a real nice steady Betty who will treat you with love and respect all day everyday. I know its not easy given the area where you are living. But you need to crawl before you can walk. So mr Raan get out there and mingle. Maybe take a trip someplace? Just don’t wonder up to sing sing 😉
This tape will self destruct in 5 4 3 2
Hey All,
I said this once before long ago, but we all need to grow a spine and that includes me. These partners, current, past, wannabe are Mentally ill. Yes, BP is often just one of their personality disorders, but there is often a host of other problems in their life.
Many many of the posts are littered with “what do I do?” The first friggin thing you got to do, Is start taking care of yourself. If you got Codependency issues like me or low self esteem, you’re saying “that’s no fun” Well, you better start learning to retrain your brain or you’re going to be on this board for your whole life. One of the parts of these BP relationships smackers is when you gotta look in the mirror an ask, what’s wrong with that person? And that ride is no fun either believe me.
Trying to fix these people is a waste of your time, life and money. Trying to help these people FIX THEMSELVES is the only thing we can do. Do not confuse the 2. It took me along time before I could tell a very dear friend she was a BP pain in the azz when she raged off med, went manic or saw purple elephants. But we are close enough that we can openly talk that she is BP, needs to be on meds, needs to eat, sleep and exercise regularly, needs to understand when the world has her “spinning” and how to cope with it. Needs to see a pysch regularly to openly discuss issues that bother her. Needs to know what to do when “bored” rather then text pic her snatch box to guys.
There are other people in the world. Take the time to try and meet them while at the same time healing, getting stronger.
If you have kids to a BP like I did, you may have to have court battles, custody battles, etc, but life goes on. You do have a choice to make new starts. You do have a choice to be happy. Don’t give them that power. It will take time I know, I went thru it, but you will be so much happier to be past these troubled times.
One common bond I see in the post on this board is we got some really good caring, loving people. Wow, if any us ever hooked up. Well, there are a lot of us in the world, take the time to go meet one, develop a relationship. Live life, start being happy AGAIN.
Exactly what I said…..its all about strength…. strength if you stay with them….. strength if you walk away from them!!
Excellent post mark. 🙂
Still NO word from terri. i am concerned…I want to talk to my kids…
I know…ignore her.
This is weird. terri has never gone this long without talking to me.
I wonder what is coming up ahead. I don’t like this situation.
I’m forging ahead…doing okay. I hate this though/
This appeared on Terri’s facebook page about 1 am tonight:
“Its my birthday going to party like a rockstar!:-]”
It is her birthday today….I wonder if she is using drugs or what? Clearly, she is off in her own affairs and does not give a rats ass about contacting me to let me talk with my children. I guess she just wants to party and be irresponsible.
I don’t think a few months is going to matter much Bittersweet, although i DO trust your judgment.
I wonder if she will even notice that I didn’t even send her a card or flowers or what not which I always have done. Do you think she might start to realize that I’m done with her from this ?
I hope she wakes up and smells the coffee and figures out what she threw away and lost regarding me.
Love like what we had is SO rare and isn’t easily found…
raan
love like what you had is no more at the moment ..
you have to play hard on this raan
dont give in
i know its her birthday and you want to talk to the kids
she is partying like a rock star
she is not thinking about you at this point in time
treat her as you would a stranger
you have to protect yourself from being hurt anymore
if you do decide to weaken and make contact , dont beat yourself up over it
you can only ever do your very best
but know this
the harder you play , the better outcome you will achieve
kind regards Bittersweet
Well, Bittersweet…I don’t know her phone number anyway, so I can’t contact her anyway. no way to screw up I guess.
I guess the kids are okay if she is partying vs. not knowing anything. I suppose that she would be calling me if there was trouble, eh?
I’m trying not to think about her. It’s her birthday and she doesn’t even want me around….strange.
I hate bipolar disorder.
Raan if they want you, they want you….
I am back with my man have been for weeks now, it is hard, very hard and being strong is the only thing that works, the soft approach doesnt….the caring/but firm approach does!
I cant help him, I can only be there to help him see he needs to help himself, which he is doing!
Its not easy, its a rollercoaster everyday and you have to be very patient, it will never be just normal….
…..and you have to have “Eyes wide open!” x
haven’t talked to my kids in 3 weeks. i’m starting to become very depressed. it’s affecting my work, and attitude badly. i was hoping she would call by now, but no such luck/ i don’t know if contacting her via a letter or calling her mom to ask to speak to my kids is good or bad….ignore her is what most people think, but i am having difficulty with the silence.
anybody care to comment?
I would see a lawyer Raan and just get access to the kids, for your sake and definitely for theirs??
Shes not who you thought you knew….none of them are after the mask slips away, you will find one day you wont want whats left but for now, get access to the children!!
My Dear Raan,
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
She sounds like a ‘classic bipolar’ person.
Yes, the silence is deafening. It is a dead silence. It goes on and on forever and you wonder if this person has a heart, or is at least slightly human. It happened to me too. The silence, after a year of loving, was like an ax on my hopes, a guillotine that chopped off my longing for love.
From everything we have learned on this blog and on google sites on bipolar, they truly change their minds when their moods shift. They are two people, if not more, and each mood is like another personality, another person. It’s almost like multiple personality disorder. At this moment Terri is someone else: cold, selfish, uncaring towards you. It’s not your fault. It’s not about you. You could be Brad Pitt or Jesus and it wouldn’t matter. It’s her mental illness. The sick part is that she will never heal. She will go on like this her whole life. Although you love her, my advice is for you to heal: see a therapist, surround yourself with family, friends, loved ones etc., take up new hobbies, interests, dating, whatever… please do this for your sake or she will drag you down to your self destruction… you can’t fix her mental illness… some day her other personality will pop back and she will contact you, but in the meantime please take care of Raan… don’t long and pine for her… she is someone else at the moment…. not the Terri you knew…. she’s possessed by mental illness… please Raan look after yourself, try to find someone who loves you the way you truly deserve to be loved… there are a lot of women out there looking for a nice guy like you… from the bottom of my heart, Josie
Josie
you are a beautiful soul
why is it that bipolars are always ready , willing and able to destroy the good souls of this world
so many of us get caught ..and it literally does destroy our lives ..not theirs ..its so cruel
Raan
you are doing so well now , you have come through the worst of a mountain of emotions ..she is not going to change in a hurry , josie is right .
this is why you should change and quickly try to mend
so you can be ready for her ultimate return to you .
if thats what you want
you may not want to get your heart stomped on again
I know you are concerned about the kids
I would be too , from what i have seen sick unmedicated bipolar mothers can provide the essentials but thats where the buck stops .their needs are greater and the children ultimately learn this one fundamental fact
please know the more you try the further she will push you away
regards Bittersweet
Josie wrote:
“some day her other personality will pop back and she will contact you,”
then you recommend that I move on – get a girlfriend, basically get on with my life, etc….I understand this. But then why is it that a good number of people on here never hear from their BP partner ever again after a number of times running off??? I know that Terri WILL contact me again when her tax return runs out, and until this happens, I don’t think she will contact me. Also, i doubt at this point that she will EVER want to be with again….I have NO idea why she is so enraged- fully aggravated at me – pissed to no end….
the level of hatred towards me really perplexes me, and very much saddens me…. a month or two ago, we were engaged again.
I AM ignoring her….I AM working on myself and MY happiness. It’s very very hard. I am so damaged at this point. traumatized, abused, emotionally wrought, etc.
Depressed is such an understatement. I miss my kids so much. I am missing out on a lot I want to watch them grow up. These are critical years.
Bittersweet,
You really think contacting her to ask about speaking to my kids is a bad idea? You recommend I just give her time to contact me???
You claim that she will ‘ultimately return to me”….what makes you think she will want to do that??? she told me that we will NEVER be together again when she called last about two+ weeks ago. The NO CONTACT thing she is doing since makes me think I mean NOTHING to her anymore.
I will continue to move forward as best I can, but I have no more hope anymore…none. she is gone and I don’t ever expect her to return.
it’s such a tragedy. I was more in love with her and her with me than we have ever been in our lives.
God has a cruel sense of humor. I miss her and the kids terribly.
i hate Bipolar disorder.
raan
I know how hard this is sincerely
she may tell you she hates you now , but this is because she has someone else …after she has been with that person whoever it is …the odds are that she will bottom out with them too ..its inevitable when you think about it but I know in your current state of mind that is hard to see
Believe me raan I know your emotional pain , the longing for them to return …the wanting them to love you again
my bp ran off in front of my eyes with a new women , he looked right into my eyes and said goodbye
then drove off with her in the car
one week prior to this we had been having fun laughing etc we had been making plans for our future together then BOOM
out of nowhere he ran off with this women he met in the pub overnight …he met her ..brought her back to our house , ( I was away working ) she slept with him that same night ..then within 2 days he was making plans to
move into her house with her within 5 days he was gone
he lived with her for 8 months then she king hit him in the face and broke his teeth , and he left and came running back to me …i told him to piss off and he kept running
5 years later he contacted me again …
sometimes they give up on you and other times they dont ..you have a common bond with the kids but what she is doing now by taking the kids is very cruel
do you really think you would want her back after what she has done …??
I know now you think you would but after a while you may not think this way ..if you meet someone else or if you heal and get over this ..you can , it will take 1 year to recover then it may take another year to come good .. if she hasnt come back in the next year then it will take a long time to trust another human being
and it will take a long time to be able to forgive terri for what she has done
you may never forgive her …you will never forget this thats for sure .
am sorry i cant help you through this any better ..i really know the pain you are in …it is indescribable
please try to take care ..you can pm me if you want
regards Bittersweet
Another sleepless night. I am doing okay…reading and scouring the internet about length of manic episodes and how to talk/deal with a manic person. Interesting what I have found out tonight. perhaps some (not many, but some) of my conversations with the manic-terri have perhaps worsened her state of mind when we had some interactions in her psychotic state of mind.
I think I learned a bit tonight that may make communicating with her down the road someday a little less stressful. Maybe.
I am attempting to change the way I think about all of this nightmare and its effects it has had on me.
like a duck….let the water just fall off.
I hope I keep this frame of mind. I feel better at the moment. Mind you, anything is better than the place i’ve been lately.
I wish I could have my life and my Family back. I guess it wasn’t in the cards of life
So, I guess I have I have to draw new cards and start over….I ain’t gonna fold!
oh… I just notices you posted bittersweet. thanks. you didn’t answer my first couple of questions but that’s okay. I do appreciate what you did say nevertheless.
Actually, I think she is single at the moment. I did some clever detective work, and while i am not there to see what is actually going on….I can say it appears at the moment that she is solo. She doesn’t sleep much still, so likely manic with no end in sight. My hopes are that with me out of the picture for now and no drama between us as a result….perhaps she will calm down quicker…????
just a thought.
thanks
Raan,
Try to stay strong. Late fall for a combination of reasons seems to be one of BP’s difficult time of years. The raging she is doing is just the illness; very little to do with you or reality. Next time she goes on a rant just tell her hey “I didnt shit in your cornflakes”, go talk to crusty or whoevers making you spin, cause its not me. She start saying wtf your making no sense, well either are you, whats stuck up your ass?
As far as the cold shoulder, use it as time to get strong and healthy not fret or worry about whats up with her. The kids should be your focus with any priority of time, money, effort you have to exert. You may wanta get a hold of the local youth services and start talking to a counselor, tell them your concerns.
Hello everyone..
Its really lovely how you guys support each other,,, i think it is important and very kind the way u have dont this for each other … on brief occasion in the past concerning me i have felt a token understanding also…:)
Sorry i feel i must voice this at this time now however…When i have tried to write to express my deepest distress and the error and fall from grace i fell into to all the horror and shame and confusion i have been thru…the depth of despair and grief for the hurt i caused to others and the emotional rape and deception perpetrated upon me….. and also for the terrible pain i am dealing with..i just sadly feel you people barely comment…or answer my presssing questions recently and in the past on several occasions
… I kinda know…. definately get the idea u people are perhaps single and… perhaps have been hurt by infidelity also..perhaps u feel unable or unwilling to enter into much conversation with me perhaps i am seen as immoral…lesser and yes i did fall to that level perhaps u did not? perhaps i dont deserve more …. but walking a mile in my shoes may have change a wee few things in ur mind if u had wished to… but im not sure …… it doesnt matter any way…
Thanks Lost for taking the time occasionaly to commment and Raan i know u are in much pain but i remember writing some sensible advice and offering support on one occasion…to which u ignored the entire discourse as tho i was not apart of anything?…perhaps i am …and that ok with me now..I have made brief comments also asked questions…but i cant help feel i am not so welcome amongst your little close support group….I thought a few more people particulary the ladies may take the time to show a little more interest or certainly make a few more comments toward me that i would have much appreciated….? I have always felt this… even many months ago… when i first wrote as Traumatised Beyond Belief…. And apart from Josie a long time ago who was a real sweetheart and who was in a similar situation to mine…. there is rarely a comment frorm any of you … But you go over and over things for others..its been a little disheartening….
i do wish u all so very well in the future however and believe and hope you will all make it thru with new found strength…
God bless keep safe
Kindest regards from,
Wiped out back then…
…formerly Traumatised beyond belief but …(yes it does happen even to those who fall from grace) …Be well 🙂
all the best with getting ur family back Raan,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie…
I am so sad that you feel you have been ignored!
I rarely comment on anyones post now but yours seemed as though it came from the heart?
I have looked back over as many posts as I can to try to work your story out, I have tried but cannot work out what actually happened to you?
I have gathered there was a bipolar man involved, were you married, living together or in a serious relationship?
I would imagine your story will run very similar to us all but I would like it if you could give us the basic outline of what happened and how you are coping now?
You are very correct in several things you have said, I have thought this about this blog myself many times!!
I would love to talk to you, either thorough this site or private email?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Wishing x
Dear Wishing,
thanks so much for ur post…
my story is re written just about 7-10 days ago under wiped out.. (last year perhaps before we moved on to this site) i wrote under traumatised beyond belief..think i asked if anyone would be willing to email me as i did not feel safe to give my email address out because of identity of course!.. I have recently tried and been unable to contact the writer who did respond back then but they were of enormous help at the time…
There is no need to apologise no one has done anything wrong, i think u and others understand the point i was trying to make…u know it got a bit circular etc… I would like very much to speak to u but i dont know how to contact without making it public?.. email would be good what can u suggest?
Kindest reg,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie.
I am sorry if you have been feeling ignored. Its not been any of our intention to do that.
Admittedly we are all having troubles of our own and the past few months we have been bickering amongst each other some hurt feelings on all sides.
With me I snap in and out of different moods sometimes within minutes other times I stay that way for a week or longer. I am not bipolar I am just no self esteem. And maybe depressed at times. I get happy when I am with a lady sad when dumped. I also do not hear much from the people on here anymore. Maybe my own fault for going off the deep end a few times? Maybe there plates are full and have no time? What ever the problem may be we can work it out. Don’t go away ask and we will help if possible. We all wondered in here like wounded beast looking for some way to come to terms with our heart break and hurt. For me moving on means searching for a new love. One with understanding. I am finding this a difficult task. The woman like to eff the tough guy but want to bring home a millionaire. So I am shit out of luck.
Hey Lost,
you are a sweetie for quote: ( dont go away Bonnie)… i totally get you its no worries honest no ones done anything wrong.. the anniversary has come and gone it will get easier now… i just felt something needed to be said but not sure if i shoulda said it cos its kinda been taken the wrong way… but i understand we all in the same boat and it is harder at some times than others etc… i am always hopeful someone lovely,.. really genuine and lovely comes ur way Lost 🙂
kind regards Bonnie
I am sorry you feel ignored by me. not my intention….the shit has hit the fan.
Bonnie
we are all in the same boat as you
i dont take kindly to your comments that you have been ignored
whatever the situation is for any of us ..we all accept that people have their lives to lead
coming on here is an expression of what is happening in our lives , not a councelling session
why would you think that you have been ignored
You know what .. you need some serious councelling …and therapy
I understand you are hurting ..but dont forget the situation we find ourselves in in this world is OUR doing
noone just comes along to destroy your life
we all have choices of which way to go
and you have a choice too
you can choose to blame others but why dont you look at the choices you have made yourself YES YOU
have done this to yourself !!
the life you have chosen with your BP is your choice
we have all made similiar choices and yes it does hurt
but its not us who have offended you because you feel we have ignored you
we are all only ever doing our best on here in this blog that we CHOOSE to partake in
if you have an expectation from this site it should be that we can all interact with you not that you are offended by what we have done / said or whatever
am not going to apologise for not giving you enough attention …traumatised beyond belief ‘ I have read your blogs and felt for you , but it is not us who punish you for where you are at …you are punishing yourself enough for that
regards
Bittersweet
I dont feel that Raan,
its ok im sorry to hear things are not good i really really am. Thanks for ur earlier comments ,,, i was really just noting a long post i once wrote some time ago not so recent …perhaps u didnt see it…doesnt matter anyway i understand ur situation and i think u know i truly care and empathise with u and especially for the children…keep us posted ok 🙂
im actually feeling a bit better
kindest regard,
Bonnie
Bitter,
( quote) : ” You do not take kindly to my comments i have been ignored” ? unquote
… surely for you to say that… i would have had to have written those words?
..please read my post….not a line contains that statement … what u have commented on is other peoples perception of what i wrote (ie u think im saying im being ignored) …. at which point you have stated u dont take kindly to being told that /it! …..
I wrote : sadly i feel you guys barely comment (when i write.) Bitter, you state its not a counselling session… are u infering being i am demanding some special treatment something thats unreasonable unavailable inappropriate perhaps selfish?….. again if so ur perception is skewed…. I have been involved in therapy for 2 years… Very helpful but i find nothing helps more than a person or persons who can share the walk they walked and who can speak that same language because they have been thru or more importantly are still going thru the experience.
I have been trying to engage someone who could identify with that …no pressure intended……consellors whilst great facilitators often lack the real heart knowledge…. So how inappropriate for you to indicate and i quote directly from your post: “You know what? you need some serious counrselling or therapy” ..end quote.. how /why from what i wrote would you feel the need to assume i wasnt seeking help? and then to put me down in such a way…
Bittersweet you me and everyone else has offered some semblence of counsel to one another for months ….some more than others….look at what u and others write to Raan over and over and over?…… Perhaps you would like to look back and see where u have offered counsel and it has been excellent counsel too… but until i point out what i have noticed regarding the posts recently you,have never felt the need to reinforce how this is “not a counselling session” pointedly for my information so to speak..dear me…
I feel for you to take offence at my comments in this way is unfounded. Its not necessary to write in bold or uppercase either…it indicates aggression .. not necessary, really.
Perhaps Bitter you also felt empowered to write in upper case: (quote) YES YOU have done this to yourself (meaning me) unquote…wow … that is kinda low…you are a lady needing to twist the knife deeply especially at this point in your converse. To go on about me trying to blame other people for what i have done as if i dont feel sick with remorse and shame as it is… where are u coming from? and where are u going ?… At no time have i have tried to shift blame, not take responsibility for my actions or my life..Never did i accuse you or anyone on this forum of anything untoward in any way.. I commented that the forum was at times a bit insular i felt my questions or comments were not answered on occasions…things were repeated in a circular way and as a new writer trying to find inclusion i found much of my comments questions or suggestions left unresponded to.. which does make a person feel they are not really part of the group.
You also state (quote) “If i have an expectation from this site it should be that we can all interact with you” my point exactly. So why dont you ?…that was what i was asking Bitter.
I have read your story Bittersweet, It was quite unbelievable the way you were treated, and it is such a credit to you that you have survived regained your health and moved on as you have done. You have offered wise counsel on numerous occasions to people indicating you truly understand where people have been. I remember feeling early last year on the other site how much i would have liked to have spoken with you.
Regards Bonnie
Hmm. A lil heated on here today.
Terri called yesterday to tell me that she is on NEW meds and is seeing a psychiatrist now. She sounded better. She wants to give me her car…sign it over to me. She said she is trying to be nice. Wants to come down here in about 10 days with her Mom and Dad (no kids) and get a few of her things as well.Claims she doesn’t remember the last 6 months….hmm. Said we are not getting back together though…she is moving forward and not backwards.
that’s interesting, if she doesn’t remember all of the crap she put me through, then wouldn’t she want to just pick up where she went bonkers? no such luck. said she isn’t in love with me anymore, but will always love me BS again.
She kept the conversation pretty short. She did say that she will never forgive ME for the hateful and hurtful things **I** did while she was “sick” though.
Incredible. what things did I do??
She doesn’t want to give me Sophie much visitation as well. She claims that sophie is “behind”. She’s not even 3 years old yet….BEHIND??? She claims Sophie needs to be put in school and that I can get her maybe every other weekend….UMmm…it’s a 3 hour drive each way….that meansd I get her say friday night-drive back …get up Saturday and spend the day with her and sunday, have to drive her back again that afternoon???
Not only is this not much quality time together, it’s a lot of time for my child to be strapped in a car and this concerns me.
That’s friggin FUCKED…pardon me.
When I said, must I get the courts involved, she said I am threatening her….whatever. She also told me that she has no phone when I already KNOW she does with certainty. Still lying to me……
I let it go. i was very cordial and nice. I asked her to call again soon so we could talk about a few more things, and she said she’ll try…
AM I GETTING THE RUNAROUND HERE PEOPLE?
I am looking into a lawyer but have NO cash to speak of.
I am pleased she is getting help, but wonder why if she is getting back to normal, do I feel as though I am being erased out of her life.
I did NOT expect her to continue to act mean and distant to me when she came to her senses.
Hmmmmm. bummed. Wasn’t expecting her to come running home right away after being properly medicated, but I didn’t expect to be treated like a stranger that she wants NOTHING to do with.
No biggee I guess. All she is is PAIN and torment, frustration and hurt anymore.
I must admit, I do NOT think she is being honest with me, and I have to wonder what she IS thinking right now.
I do NOT think she cares about me whatsoever anymore. I don’t know if she ever will, and am perplexed why I thought she did love me with so much heart those years we were together.
I don’t know what to think anymore.
I think she’s full of it really.
AM I GETTING THE RUNAROUND HERE PEOPLE?
Flipping Hell Raan which bit of this are you not getting??
A little tension on here today – this forum is for beneficial blogging. I hope no one gets offended by my rants and raves. You people mean the world to me and i am genuinely concerned. It really helps me writing this stuff out and getting replies. I may not always get it right away, but all of you kind people have truly helped me get a grip to a degree with something I have never experienced before. Your wisdom is very appreciated
I am very thankful you are all here. I don’t know what i would have done without you over these last many months.’
Thank you all for all of the support. I really appreciate it.
Raan/Bitterbabe/Bonnie/wish/michelle who is MIA 🙂
Its all good. If anyone needs to vent this is the place to do it.
Sometimes while venting we get circumvented by others and that help get the pressure off the circumventee 🙂 or have I lost my mind? Lol. Raan get free council from the courts or have a law guardian appointed by the courts for the kids. Stop dragging your feet on this. Time is valuable when dealing with kids and courts and you need visitation put in to writing. Treat this as divorce. Bitter your a babe. Bonnie if you need someone to talk to just ask and I’ll give you my email. I don’t know if I can help but I’m here for you. Michelle our group is missing you get your ass back here lol. I need to learn how to temper my co dependency issues. Spring is on its way! And each day is longer with more sunlight and I feel better already. Got dumped again yesterday afternoon was told I am like a diner that serves great food but has shitty service. WTF does that mean? I didn’t service her. And if I did it would not suck lol. So I felt bad for one hour. Made a new date within a few minutes with someone else. Went out and had fun for four hrs. Missed the birthday party I was invited to and will catch hell for it today. Nope nothing about bipolar in my note but oh well. 🙂
Bonnie , Raan , Effed UP
apologies for my comments if I have offended anyone
I suppose Bonnie I have offended you , not intentional
trying my best
regards xx
Bittersweet
time heals raan
I wrote terri a letter via a new facebook account so i could get thru saying that the kids need to talk with their father a few days ago. When I did this, I noticed she has a number listed (short version). No response., half the day goes by and i checked facebook for a reply….none, but the number that was listed is now gone. Obviously, she got my mail…..today, I called the number. She asked me where I got it…i told her facebook. she tells me it’s her mom’s number she was just answering it. Told me sophie is out playing. I asked her to call me later so I could talk to her if she won’t let me now. i said…just make sure i talk to her please.
half an hour later, terri calls and puts my daughter on (yay!) we are having a good talk…terri cuts it off and says tell daddy bye.
Terri gets on and now says it’s her friends phone and don’t call it. i said sure terri…I know it’s your phone…I won’t call it unless you refuse to let me talk to my daughter regularly. She said i am not lying….i’m not. Sure terri. She claims facebook added this number without her knowing when she used her friends phone to sign up for facebook….
she must think i am a moron.
I am just glad i got to finally talk with my daughter and now court stuff MUST happen I suppose.
Bummer. I was hoping she was starting to heal….new .meds are not working yet or at all.
Her friend katie called me last night and told me that terri isn;t acting like Terri as she knows her…she saw terri yesterday, and asked terri if she has had any episodes lately…terri said as a matter of fact, I have been on one for a while. Teri went on to say she regrets some stuff she has been doing, and that she has been sleeping around with strange men….and she couldn’t control herself. She said she isn’t seeing anyone, but that crusty helps her with the kids sometimes. grrrr.
katie said she told terri that raan needs to interact with the kids and terri didn’t seem to care. When katie asked terri doesn’t raan want to see the kids, terri said it’s complicated….katie said WHAT is complicated? Let him see the kids. Terri got annoyed and katie dropped it. katie said she is going to try and get terri to see the error of her ways .
Wishing….you seem like you have an ax to grind with me….what’s up?
BTW, I also mentioned to terri that I didn’t need to talk with her….just my daughter.
I remember what you have advised bittersweet. Other than regarding my Daughter, i will ignore terri.
Raan,
Nobody has an ax to gring with ya raan our friend. Guess we’re all a little frustrated that the record you seem to be playing is the same one everytime. We’re not trying to be experts with advise just that we relate more than anything, know what your going thru but most of all know pretty much whats coming next.
You can’t wait for Terri to wake up. You gotta go get legal help and get the visitation, support, custody bs all worked out thru the courts. It will make your life so much better to know she cant keep on using your daughter as a pawn.
As far the meds go, I seriously doubt she is taking anything. Sounds like a classic manic run wild and crazy, self detrusctive until she crashes.
As far as the rage she has towards you, thats her internally feeling bad when she thinks or relates to you. Mistakes she’s making or has made don’t make her feel good when she has to relate to you, deal with you, hence the anger. People seldom wanta take responsibility for their actions, and that just not BP folks, alot of folks are like that. They’ll point blame, shoot obscenities, but never look in the mirror and blame the right person.
You really gotta keep the focus on yourself, get healthy, get back financially what you can, then focus on getting your daughter in a safe and loving enviroment.
This illness has a severe grip on society. I’m sure alot of the wackjobs blowing people up have BP issues and I’m not trying to stereotype, the severe swing in moods to “i just dont give a fuck about anything” is pretty dangerous an emotional extreme. Fall is also a difficult time for them, light sensitivity, extreme holiday stresses, etc, I dont know, from my experiences issues spike, MH faciltys fill up and overflow into the streets.
Take the time to connect the dots. Getting sophie is the goal, start in that direction.
Thank you Mark, you have just put what I was about too, so I wont repeat it all…..
Shes not coming back Raan and I must sadly say you have to stop thinking about your needs and your wants and think about your children who clearly are not at the top of your list of priorities and I know what your answer will be…..”I dont have the money for legal help” but thats crap because you have plenty of time, get out there, get a second job if need be, stop whining and get something concrete done.
I have brought up 3 children alone, so has Bitter, we have BP troubles too ( mine have come in barrel loads over the last month!!) but nothing and no one ever, ever comes before our children!!
Do you really think a phone call to Sophie once in a blue moon is enough…..and I have my doubts the call was intended for Sophie anyway??
Thank-you Bittersweet.. im not offended really… i was a bit perplexed back then is all … i know u are doing ur best…I hope u are all ok …
Be well 🙂
I think you folks are still thinking i want Terri back. No….
her mind is shot and she clearly isn’t coming back.
I want to talk to my Daughter regularly until i can get some visitation on paper though.
Oh yeah- Mark, what’s coming next?
She’s start to try and tear you a new ahole when the courts crawl up her ass and trys to make you the unfit parent.
Exactly….
And thats because you have stalled Raan……the courts dont look on favourable to a father who “phones” now and again…..my Ex lost complete rights to the kids, I have 100% sole custody because he choose to see 2 of our children 3 times a year!!
Not picking on you Raan or grinding any axes but if you dont make a start on this you will lose….
Your not even married to her….you have no regular contact with the kids and if you haven’t worked it out yet a Bipolar person can be the most charming and delightful person to talk to she will come across as a loving mother who has been stranded by her Ex boyfriend with 3 children, none of who he see’s, he makes an occasional phone call but really its just to hassle her and cause her more pain!!
Not looking good is it??
bonnie thanx for your forgiveness , this is what we do isnt !
Raan
Look you dont really know what the outcome is going to be
In a year it may be a totally different story , but wishing is right she is going to look sweet in court ..
you dont stand a chance against her even if you had proofe she was highly unstable , courts rarely make a finding against a birth mother.
You have no control over sophie , she is your daughter thats it …really from what I have seen , men like you fade into the distance and some new creep takes over ..
thats the worst of it …the best is you can try to be distant friends with terri enough to allow access or holidays
cheers bitter
Raan. Don’t listen to that. The laws are a little better here in the USA. We wacked a lot of these bitches with the order of protections to that they had to back off of destroying fathers and there are cases before our courts now to make even more changes. This creep here gets tuesdays thursdays and every other weekend and she cannot move more then 20-30 miles away. Holidays are split or divided. English law has fallen far behind the US laws. Maybe because we can still take up arms against tyranny dished out by the crooked court system.
Birth mother seat belts 5 kids into car seats and pushes car into river drowning all 5 children so she can be with boy friend. Father pleaded with court not to give her custody.
Woman gives birth in toilet stall at work. Shoves toilet paper down newborn babies throat suffocating the child. Baby is dumped in trash can and mom goes home on sick leave.
Mother drowns three children in bath tub. Puts bodies on bed and jumps out window. She lives. All thee children dead. Father told courts woman was un fit mother.
The sad list goes on and on. There are at least two cases in court that show courts teaming up with lawyers to destroy fathers has caused un do hardship for the children. Cruel and barbaric punishment is counter productive to the health and well being of children.
These antiquated laws must and will be changed. Or the court judges will be disbarred. How many birth mother prostitutes dump baby’s in trash cans everyday in every city in the world? That birth mother stuff is bull shit.. I have at least two friends that are male and both have legal custody of there children because mommy is a dirty drug crazed hoe. Unfit diseased sluts that cannot even take care of themselves. Its about time the courts wake the fuck up.
Thanks Lost…I needed that
No, Raan you didnt need that….
Bitter is right, wherever you live the mother wins most times!
You need to be getting your case together right now if you dont want to fade away?
….And forget the being “FRIENDS” to get access, people with Bipolar dont have many REAL friends!!
you are correct. Terri has pretty much ignored all of her best friends these last 6 months. In fact, they call me now asking what is up with her. She is the opposite of what she was now.
I have been asked by a LOT of people
“does she do crack”?
SCARY thought.
Anyway, i have been working on the custody stuff. It’s not in court yet, but getting paperwork together and doing research. My family is looking into some things for me as well.
Money is SO ridiculously nonexistent right now it isn’t funny. I cannot even pay my bills at the moment, but i am on a mission. it will pick up.
I am not just sitting here going “I wish she would come home or poor meeeeeee or waiting for something to happen”
I am doing my best, and I am f’ed up – working on getting my poop together asap. your advise – everyone on here has helped
Thanks.
Your welcome Raan but you really do have to get past it now, there comes a time when you realise there is no more you can do, be grateful that you came out of it with few scars because believe you me it could be worse!
She could be on any type of drug dont ever put anything passed what they will do!
I wouldnt wait Raan….you will spend a lifetime waiting for something thats never coming back!!
I am seeing someone who is bipolar who has had a lot of trauma in her life, in the form of abuse that came from people it should not have.
Sometimes I come home and look at her, and am nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if she is going to jump up, smile, tell me she loves me or tell me she’s doing something and with her voice and body language make me feel worse than a man who just snuck a roofie into her drink at a common bar. It is so difficult to tell how she feels from how she looks.
Sometimes I will do something and it will make her so incredibly mad, she will talk to me as if I am a 4th grader who was caught eating a crayon in the middle of an important exercise. It has put me in a vicious cycle where anytime we talk about something that slightly dissatisfies her I feel responsible and as if I should apologize, and I feel that I now give her the impression she is a bad person. She is not!
She is a beautiful, intelligent person. She sees so much of the world and notices so much that the average woman I meet tunes out, and I love her for it, and everyday I work to make her realize who she is. What she is capable of.
She has issues with getting too caught up in things she is working on at the wrong time and it getting in the way of her life and I have been trying to help her get over this. Sometimes I feel as if it is my duty to physically(gently) lift her out of bed and get her to take a shower & get ready for sleep but at the same time, she is ten and a half years my senior & I am not a controlling person.
It is difficult not being able to tell who I should be and how I should act. All I can do is be there for her, talk to her, cope with it, and NEVER get angry at it.
Everytime she does something that is bad she realizes it and comes to me to talk to me in this soft, childlike voice. She knows what she did was wrong. We talk about it and it’s better but it happens again and again. I know that the right thing to do is to not get angry, or mad, or defensive, or passive aggressive. I wait for her to realize it and then talk about it, never judging or getting angry.
I want to be there for her, and to help her through the bad times, but sometimes I feel like I’m missing something. I need help.
Louis,
PLEASE go back and read what Bittersweet, Mark, and Panda have to say about boundaries and their advice in general. Believe ME….I DO understand. i’ve been knee deep in dysfunction junction Bipolar central for about half of a year now and it only gets worse and worse in my case. I feel for you man. be STRONG, be calm yet firm. Remain in your senses. do NOT be drawn into drama….
Go back and read the letters in this forum and you WILL see a very clear pattern here with respect to bipolars behaviors in general.
I hope this info helps and that you find peace…I am right there with you.
All must be quiet lately, no comments in almost a wk. The calm before the spring storm.
Hey mark how’s it going by you? All is quiet here. I think the few hours of extra sunlight has done us all some good. I know I been feeling great all month so far.
I’m actually doing pretty well. Started a new relationship the first of the yr which has restored my faith quite abit. Been trying to mend or make peace in some of my other spinning ones especially with my soon to be ex wife. Just when I thought we might be making some headway; she felt it was better to kick me in the balls one last time and make a jackass comment that she felt “she never really loved me during our 20 years”. I know shes wrestling with making sense of what, why and how things didnt work out so I guess I’m not surprised or as hurt. Shes warmed up since and is in a new one of her own,so we’ll see.
Desperately hanging on for this weather to break, they’ll calling for more snow tonight. Urgghhhhh.
Looks like Mr Sheen’s turning into this months poster boy for BP eh?
Sheen bipolar? I think he’s just a drugged up burnt out hollywood liberal asshole. A little piece always helps 🙂
Ooooo-boy. NO calm here. let’s see…she came down and got some stuff last Sunday…signed the car that was in her name over to me…told me she lives in SC and not NC (sure).
Kissed me, hugged me a few times…took COOKING OIL and some seasonings as some of her important stuff with little room in here mom’s new Van (or, is it Terri’s van from filing the taxes and keeping all of the money with her Dad driving it?). Asked me to keep her Beanie babies (which are important to her) and said she will be back sometime for more stuff and am I going to toss her stuff out that she couldn’t get that day?? I said relax…
She said I could have Sophie visitation soon, but maybe in a few weeks. NEW schedule that SHE wants me to live with….BS if you ask me. LESS time with me…a LOT less. I want my Daughter.
IWhen she signed the car title over to me, she SCREWED up and signed HER name where my name was supposed to be. She scratched it out and put mine….
She wanted ALL risque’ pics of her that I have destroyed and in particular – a poster drawing that is of her naked…she wanted to tear it up….I told her no amd she tried to get into the room where it was . I said HEY…it isn’t going to happen…she tried taking back the car title so I asked her-WHAT’s up with you??? what is the real issue here? She said I took back everything I ever gave her (huh?) and wants me to have nothing from her now, I asked her is this over the ring I took back from her-the engagement ring?> she said yes…I gave it back to her and she went on her way.
When I went to get new insurance, pay taxes and then go to the DMV the next day, the DMV would NOT accept her scratch off and putting my name over it.
I called her and she got mad I called…told her about the car title problem…she doesn’t want to sign a new “bill of sale” that the DMV gave me, but reluctantly said she would.
I am driving up there Saturday night in my Uncle’s truck….I PRAY she signs the new papers…because I have NO car unless she does so.
Now,
I get papers yesterday from the Sheriff….she is SUING me for back child support!!!!!!!!
I am current except since she left in feb and refuses to tell me where she lives. in fact, a few days before this paperwork arrived…she told me on the phone that She can take care of the kids ALL on her own and doesn’t need MY help or my money….
What a crock of Bull!!!
I am getting all of the needed papers together to fight this crap….
I am GOING to WIN somehow – and get more visitation of my Daughter.
Anybody care to tell me that they KNEW that this was coming???
I am SO pissed.
hey Raan
it is all good …look at this as a blessing
you have been set free from the biggest USER & LOSER
shame she is the mother of your daughter
but one day it will be in name only
you will meet a great lady one day, that will give you the loyalty you deserve
fuk the Bp biatch , GONE in the head
never to return to the fantasy she endured with you
or the GAME she played with you
Their complete life is a game of thrills who they excite , seduce, play with , play around on , cheat on , the list goes on & on
I know its painful enough so I am not going to say I told u so because we cant help who we love
but we can learn from what they do and the message is GIVE nothing to her again ever .
she is a USER of the worst degree , she doesnt have the Love gene mate .
just put papers in place for access to sophie ..even try to get sophie off the biatch if possible ..get dates organised
evidence of her unstable lifestyle may help ..notes , picies , anything you can use to help you win ..
you are going well ..
better days to come
regards Bittersweet
amazed that the beeeeotch didn’t even call today and let me at least say happy birthday to the oldest boy.
I saw them all last Sunday. had to drive up to NC to get a paper signed. the two youngest wouldn’t let me go once they saaw me. 2 hours of 2 kids all over me. I loved it. Sophie went ballistic when I left…both the 2 youngest went into major tears when I left.
terri and brandon the oldest seemed unhappy. She’s broke too. Was bumming cigarettes…hmmmm.
raan
she wont give in though
you may think that she will …but she will hunt someone new to hookup with before she will admit that she could come back to you
they are very clever and shameless, even when caught in the act of being deceptive they deny it
so dont expect any honesty or conscienable levels of concern for you ..there wont be
if you show the same disregard for her that she has shown you she may get the hint
but she will never let you know ..they play deceit like chess game and you are the pawn !!
regards Bittersweet
actually, when I was driving back home, I had to call her mom to get her address confirmed and to my surprise, terri answered…I didn’t expect her to answer, as it was a few hours after I left and was getting late….anyway,
when she answered her mom’s phone, she told ME that she missed me, and that is was REALLY good seeing me. I told her that felt the same and that I really miss the kids and our family. I told her that I loved her, and to my surprise, she responded in kind. Soooo, I said (since this seemed like a tender moment brought on by HER) to her that I want my Family back. Instead of the usual wall of scoffs and resistance, she seemed open to the idea and was actually quite unlike her last six months awful self. I DO NOT expect anything from this….just noting it as more like the old terri….
I am sure it’s nothing to be concerned with.
I am still being sued by the beeotch.
Sophie’s Birthday is Saturday…she actually invited me up there. Amazing. I am not certain I can make it….working on that
She asked me for a CELL PHONE last Sunday too….TOO FUNNY!!!
She lost hers appearently- AGAIN!!!!!!!!
What nerve.
hmmmm…I guess maybe she has a new fella…some new guy posted this on her facebook page recently….
“love you with all mind heart”
he went from “single” to “in a relationship” like earlier today sometime….I wonder if it’s her he hooked up with. I feel sorry for the poor sap if she and him got together. He has NO idea what he’s in for. I assume if so, she’ll do the same crap to him as she does to everyone?
What a pile of devastated bodies these BP’s leave in their wake….traumatized and bewildered….confused and disappointed ….wondering what they did wrong .
I’m sure it will all come apart at the seams in a short period of time….
Cruel.
Raan.
That’s the way the bipolar ball bounces. Just remind yourself every now and again that nothing you did caused this mess. If your nice they screw you. If your not so nice they screw you also. They will ALWAYS come up with the desired reasons to blame you for what they have done. Iv learned to adopt/adapt to living the life similar to that of the bipolar bear. Hit and run! Run! Run!.. Why stick around when you can split before the hurt gets put on you? I have doubts I will ever be in a real relationship again. Apart from brutal bipolar it appears most woman I am attracted to are players! So hit it and quit it 😉
got to agree with ya Lost
same same
bipolar blamers destroy innocent lives !!
sorry raan
Well he didnt destroy mine…….
….tried really hard
…….. but why let someone do that to you?
Wish you can say we let them do it. But we don’t let them. It just happens. We unlike these asshole bipolars have a memory and we care. Do not fault us for being decent caring people. If we weren’t we would be the same cold hearted shit heads as them. And that would be a tragedy. Love has no need for memory. And nether does stone cold bipolar. Don’t be like them ever.
Bi polar bears have no memory. They live for the now and speed into the future. They leave you lost in the lurch of time.
I know it just happens it happened to me for two years but it doesnt have to keep on happening…..how many years of your life do you want taken away….?
Memory’s are good, when they are good!
I am not faulting or being like them, I am simply saying “they had your years and your love…..move on!!”
Hi, is it just me or is this page really difficult to read? I think my browser must be playing up as I can see the text properly – lots of pictures of the face. Do I need to change my settings? Thanks in advance.
Zuki
zuki
it just takes a while to load
and would be lovely to hear from you
its gone a bit quiet on here
we need some spark in the proceedings
basically all still struggling with letting go of the bipolars
cheers
bittersweet
Hi Zuki
Welcome…
Just enlarge your text and it will show up better, I have the same problem!
Wishing……(was wishing but happy now! 🙂
And wishing we all been wishing and we wish you the very best! 🙂
Thank you lost…….
If theres one thing I would like to share with everyone and that is that there is life after Bipolar…..
There is happiness to be found….
Towards the end I discovered the worst I could have imagined, what happened cannot be printed on here!
I read all the blogs and all the posts but always dreamed it would work with my Bipolar man!
Its over now and life has changed beyond recognition, theres no more pain, fright, worry and deceit, I feel calm and happy, my mind is free of it all……
Yes, there are throwbacks from it all but I work through it all slowly and calmly!
I dont want that life back and I think this helps, it helps you to move on because that what we need to do!
I will always be grateful to this site and the other one and all the people I met, especially my dear dear friend, who without her daily contact I wouldnt have found some of my happiness!
I will always look out for you all and hope to see you all finding true happiness and nice endings because it is possible!
Wishing…..for love for you all. xxxxx
well, I guess terri is back with ‘peanut’ – the man who RAPED HER and got her pregnant with adrian (the middle boy)…I met her RIGHT after this clown. I’ve met him too…YIKES. Oh, my. of ALL the guys she could date…WHY HIM? He has NO means to take care of her nor even himself well….let alone our kids.
it really makes me sad to see this woman destroy her life so completely. watch her get involved with men that are total losers and refuse to do what is best for herself, the kids, and our family. She won’t admit that they are together, but it is painfully obvious in various social networking pages.. In fact, she totally denies it altogether, but then again…**I** would be totally ashamed to admit it to me as well.
What a terrible thing to watch this woman ruin everything possibly good in her life and our kids lives….and keep doing it worse and worse.
Speechless….just speechless.
BTW, She claims she is still with crusty….probably with both of these poor candidates for companionship. I do NOT get why someone would want to be with people like these two…not at all.
Court is in one month…one date of two….grrr. Scared.
hmmmm. Sure is quiet on here. So is my phone in regarding terri letting me talk to my kids. It’s been almost a week and nothing…no calls. I’ve called her…no answer.
Should I NOT call her to try and talk to the kids? Is it best I just leave her be? Bittersweet, where are you babe? I bet you say leave her alone….probably best to let Terri know I am seeing someone else (even if not) as it may get her to respond more and let me talk to my kids regularly…it ain;t happening on it’s own much if at all.
Grrrrrrr. I know the advice I’ve been given. This is a new situation though…Keep up the same old stuff or what?
I still am floored that Terri is with the man that RAPED her….astounds me to no end…..
BTW, you know folks, back in Sept. 2011…a month after she went berserk and left, I really thought that after a short time, terri would come back home. It’s been EIGHT frickin months apart now. Sure, she said we were getting back together a few times, and DID in january of this year, but her heart and MIND was NOT into it at the time.
Is this woman going to probably try and come back when I am finally solid with someone else….when I have given up fully…when she see’s that I am not there to be her whipping post anymore? Is THAT the deal?
Or, is she just plain and simple gone forever likely?
I miss my old Terri so very much. I love that woman with all my heart and soul. I would even now do just about anything….anything….to have her and my Family back.
I HATE bipolar ….I hate it incredibly. It RUINS lives and kills relationships….Family’s….and my spirit as well.
So tragic and sad. What a sucky illness. I had it ALL too.
Raan,
It’s time to let her go and get yourself back in shape. All you’re going to do is torture yourself or worse let her keep you on a leash that you never get away from. You’re a better person then that. Kids or no kids. Make the effort to get quality time with your daughter but in terms of a relationship go find someone new. I know easier said then done. But its possible. I know, I’ve done it. Will it happen next wk? next month? I don’t know. What I do know is you’ll be ten times the person you are now once all this bs is behind you. You’re going to wrestle with being the person who put up with it, but once that too is behind you things clear. We got to all rememeber, life is a CHOICE. You can choose to be part of all this drama and bs or NOT. I finally chose NOT TO regardless of kids, history, love, faults – and I have alot of my own.
Mark
yes we are all moving on and loving the freedom
being trapped by bipolar bs is the owrst hell of an existence one could ever endure
raan
you will find it gets easier once u forget about her
maybe get hypnotised to get her out of your blood 🙂
Raan…..
Everyone is right, you must move on now!
There maybe times she will contact you and you may feel a glimmer of hope but it will now come to nothing, its over!
Dont waste any more time, we do have choices in this life and I chose not to let someone’s unmedicated illness ruin my life too!
I moved on quicker than I would have ever imagined……someone came into my life, quite slowly at first but then it quickly turned into something very special…..remember….a reason, a season or a lifetime!
Good luck!
One. Two. Three comments all in a row. Each one is correct. You need to get visitation rights set by the courts. Stop using the kids as excuse to get back to bipolar bear.
Maybe this is why you are finding yourself cut off from your kids?
Telling her you call to talk to them
And then bombarding her with lines of
Come home is not working. Its having
The opposite effect. She is shutting
Down. Keep doing that and she will not
Want to talk to you at all. Its going
To take atleast six months of no stress for her to even think of coming back and that may not even happen. In the meantime find another woman and don’t talk about your ex to them in depth.
Can someone help me?
I was in a relationship with a guy for just under 2 years. We had a very honest relationship from the start and he told me everything about his past as did I. The only thing that struck out for me was that he had suffered from depression in his early 20s which lasted for a few years. We’re both the same age; in our late 20s. When he lost his first love (who he told me was unstable and left him without warning), he overdosed and tried to commit suicide. He also told me that he is a recreational drug user. I met him as a friend but he soon went abroad and we continued long distance. He then asked me out once and I declined due to feeling he was very different from me and we’d clash. I have never taken drugs or been wild in any way. This was actually my first relationship. The only trouble I’ve gone through is to have been slightly depressed or stressed during my uni years due to study pressure. Having said that, I have had a turbulent childhood being moved from countries and my parents shaky marriage. He knew all of this about me. Anyway he kept pursuing me for a while and we got on really well, so I agreed to give it a shot. He was the perfect gentleman. I could tell he was down in life and generally a little negative about things but he said he liked my zest for life and how despite anything, I always found it in me to be positive. He was very sweet and everything a girl would want. He proposed to me very soon after our time together. I never asked him for anything except that he gave up drugs. Somehow the combination of drug use and past suicide attempts didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t force him but said I couldn’t consider him because of his drug use and he agreed to give it up if it meant having me in his life. He was kind, caring and perfect. But after a few months I noticed his behaviour change extremely. Without provocation, he started patronising me and calling me on end to fight with me. I was studying for my post grad degree then and my father had been diagnosed with cancer but he was never supportive of my situation. It took its toll on me but I made sure I was there for when he wanted to vent. Reason being that I felt he had gone through bad patches in life and he was alone overseas as well. I put it down to long distance relationship pressure I never didn’t take his calls or told him to stay away from his ex’s or anything of the sort. He was so overly sensitive and I knew that so was more than happy to tread carefully, as I believe everyone has some faults in them. But I noticed, he started provoking me for fights. He resented me for not allowing him to introduce drugs back into his life, and he started becoming verbally abusive. I put it down to bad behaviour and cut off from him at many times. Yet each time, he’d beg me to take him back and would stop eating and become depressed if I didn’t. Since I couldn’t see him I felt bad and always did take him back. He told me never to shut him out as he’d been through that before, etc and I abided. In turn I told him things I can’t stand and he did those exact things. This scared me. Although this seemed like normal fights, soon the friends of his he introduced me to also agreed without me saying anything bad about him and said that I needed to walk away from him. I put it down to bad behaviour. But last week I got back in touch with him and he said something that made me realize that maybe it’s not him but that he’s bipolar. Last week when I mailed him to ask how he is he replied nicely. This week I mailed him about something (we split up last yr btw), he mailed back saying stay away or there’ll be consequences. And because I’m not with him and an outsider now, I could see the contrast without provocation and the penny dropped. I realized he could never see what he did wrong. He’s totally different as a friend as I’ve seen him with his friends and was his friend before. And totally different as a partner. Initially he used to say I’m god’s gift to him, and everything he wanted. A few mths later we had a big fight as he messed up somewhere and I found it hard to take him back. Yet I did but he always blamed me for hurting the amount I did and that I took 3 days to forgive him. I apologised (even though he was the one at fault) and we started working at things. A month later he dumped me saying he can’t forgive me for hurting. However he came back and said he’d like to make a go of it upon me begging him to do so and telling him I stayed for him only. He stayed but as usual with the harsh words. He said things like I’m a disgusting piece of s**t, that I’m a bad daughter, that his ex’s are better than me. This all I had seen as a stark change only a few mths after we got together but I thought he’d change after that big fall-out. I kept saying that he can’t say these things and expect me not to react. And I didn’t till he pushed me over the edge which he always did as he was looking for a reaction. And when I tried to get through to him, he’d push me away which was so different to before when he used to cry to me and speak to me about his life so far. And then when I exploded, he held that reaction against me not looking at things in context. Needless to say I couldn’t even explain that to him. Although this perhaps is normal in a relationship (hell what would I know), this is what stands out for me. He used to need me so badly that he’d made threats about killing himself. Once during a usual fight which happened out of nowhere, he made me hold the phone whilst he overdosed and I was crying all this time asking him why is he doing that. He said to show me that things have consequences. All the time i thought but I haven’t done anything! He kept in touch with his ex’s and once when I walked out of uni, a guy who knew I was in a relationship asked me out anyway. I told my partner this and said some ppl are so weird, and he went crazy. He started swearing at him and then at me saying it was all my fault. I asked him why and that I had put him in his place and even ignored him after that instance and my partner said because when speaking to him (my partner) I was defending that guy. I said I wasn’t, I was only concerned that there was no need for anger and that it was settled. And he stated saying things like just because im not in the country, guys think it’s ok to act this way, etc, etc. but I know that my partner isn’t the jealous type at all on a usual day so I was stunned and scared to see how anger and abusive he was being. Another day I went to see him abroad where he worked and went to his house. The temperature was mid 30s and his flat had no fans or windows. I couldn’t breathe and said lets go back to my hotel as I don’t feel so well. He went crazy and said I was insulting him and his house thinking im superior and too good for him. He left me in the house and walked away. By the time he came back, I said I was going to go back to my hotel. I didn’t go before because i knew he’d be angry to see id left. He followed me all the way and I told him to go away…but he didn’t. So in defiance of wanting to be left alone, I argued with him but he still didn’t go and followed me all the way to the hotel. We were standing on the street for 4 hrs before this. I kept saying if he wanted me to go, I was going so why wouldn’t he let me then? I didn’t understand yet let him come with me eventually. I saw he looked tired and felt sorry for him..gave him a hug and he burst out crying apologising saying he didn’t mean any of it. Again I forgave him. The next time I visited him, he fought with me a lot! On simple things like opening the door for myself of a restaurant when we were fighting and not letting him get it implying that I don’t want him to do anything for me. The truth was I was rushing out so as to not make a scene..he’s insulted me in front of nearly all his friends and I didn’t want a repeat of that. The worst fight we had was that one day I simply asked him to listen to something on the laptop but he said he didn’t want to and wanted to listen to something else first. And then out of nowhere he threw the laptop down and said now you’re fighting again and walked into the bedroom and shut the door. I was really upset and cried quietly (he never let me cry with voices). I cried for 2 hrs and then went to the bathroom. With the shock of what had happened, I had burst a blood vessel in my nose and there was blood everywhere. I woke him up and he looked after me and we stopped the bleed. He asked if I’d like anything and came and sat next to me and I just ignored him. I didn’t have the energy to be sweet to him then. The next day I felt drained and was lying on the couch. He came in from work and became upset when I wouldn’t be friendly to him. I said im ill and would just like to lie quietly. And he said well then go in the bedroom. I said im bored, I’ve been there forever, just need a change of scenery. He got pissed off and went In to the bedroom and shut the door. I became very angry this time round because I came to see him and all he had done was act like a child during this whole trip slamming doors and walking out over nothing. I asked him to get up and he said no. I said fine and walked away, and grabbed the laptop to book my flight home. I wasnt going to book it just see if there were any cheap flights because it felt like the best thing to do. He thought I was going to leave him and came out of the bedroom saying I can’t go. I said to him the whole 2 mths id spent with him he told me he never wanted to be a part of my life past the initial months and that his heart was never in it, so why stop me? He grabbed the laptop from me and told me to stay. I was really angry and said he can’t do this. This was only the second occasion where I had let myself lose it during these two yrs. So I grabbed my suitcase and started packing. And then he raised his hand at me. I still don’t say he hit me because he’s never allowed me to say that. He hurt me physically. But he never admits it. He says he only pushed me gently so I fell on the sofa. But he doesn’t deny it when I say that he pushed me so I fell down on the sofa and then pinned me against it yelling at me that I can’t walk away like this. When I cried he mocked me. he then went onto grab my arms so that I wouldn’t walk out the door. Whilst he did that, he mocked me and said if I threw your stuff on the street, would you fetch it then, etc. he left me with bruised arms that I couldn’t move for a week. Yet he denies that this is any form of abuse. I was so upset I left but later I became worried and returned from the 300 quid a night hotel to see that he didn’t kill himself. He hadn’t. So I left for the hotel telling him my heart as broken and I may not survive. Yes for the first time, I threatened him with my life to show him that it hurts when someone u love threatens u. but I didn’t threaten him with suicide just that I may die of natural causes the amount I was hurting. He walked all the way at night to the hotel. I let him in and he asked to stay. I let him and asked him why? Why? Why? Why? He said if I’ll continue to spk, he’ll make me pay. And then he hurt himself…again. I grabbed him and strangely I had the strength to overpower him and calm him down. After that he begged me not to leave and I stayed. I stayed another month. At the end of the month, he said he felt better but that he wouldn’t marry me. I said then why did he ask me to stay extra? And he said cuz he didn’t want us to part that way but he was over me. So I gave him a hug and left. Later he shifted to this country, and resumed contact. I told him to stay away. His friends told me to tell him to stay away. But he said he felt alone. I let him in and we worked towards each other. Well that’s what I thought..when I asked him if that’s indeed what was happening he insulted me once again in front of his friends. He said I was a failure, had failed the relationship, that he deserved better, he wanted someone else. All of that is fine and I wrote him off as an idiot I once loved. People say to me why I don’t ignore him when he resumes contact and I don’t because the man I once loved told me in confidence that never leave my side or shut me out as I’ve been hurt that way and I made a promise to him which I intend to keep. His reaction last week at threatening me made me think that maybe there’s a reason why he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I had an accident recently, I told him when he asked how I was that I was ok. He told me to take care 2 weeks ago. Last week when he fought with me, he implied he would have been ok if he hadn’t seen my face again. Such a stark change and out of nowhere. He’s made indirect references that I make his skin crawl. That I’ve taken his friends away despite me telling him I don’t speak about him to his friends which is true, I’ve never spoken behind his back. He has. In fact, I don’t let his friends write on my facebook wall so that he doesn’t feel offended. In addition to that, I realiz that he has the inability to see things in context. I always thought he was selfish but maybe there’s more to it. He honestly can’t see what he does wrong. He never once said sorry after he hurt me. he forgets his mistakes. he says it’s my fault that im so fragile and that I deserved the physical hurt. What he did is forgivable but I wanted him to apologise because it scared me that he can’t see his error. I am scared of his anger, his anger is really bad. He hurts himself physically and me both physically and mentally. In addition, he’s never given me a birthday gift despite me buying him lavish gifts. He lets it pass without occasion…again I thought he was selfish but then ppl who are away from him like female work colleagues, he takes out and pays for them. I often say to him what happened to that sweet guy I fell in love with. And he says that isn’t the real him, he was forced to change for me and he was never happy with me. before he used to apologise straight after making the mistake, but towards the end of the relationship, he simply denies making any. he can’t remember one good time between us and I remember loads from our relationship. He says all that comes to his mind is my poison. My heart is broken as much as it could have been. And im gone from his life. But last week, it made me think what if he’s not well. I want to tell him the possibility of him being bipolar but I know he won’t take it well. Once when I said to him, this behaviour isn’t normal, he called me unstable and told everyone that im borderline psychotic. Since then, most of his friends and family (the ones who haven’t met me), think I am as such too. To be honest, there was a point when I did start questioning my own sanity and that’s the point when I started telling my friends what had happened and they assured me something’s not right here and to stay away. His friends who know me say im nothing like what he described. I open my mouth to speak and he calls me unstable. How can I ever tell him to consider that he maybe bipolar when I don’t know that he is myself? Shall I leave him to it and not make it my problem? He won’t speak to me after saying what he did last week. I don’t know if he’ll stay away…he’s never managed it in the past. Should I consider posting info to him on being bipolar? I know he won’t believe it. He hates it when I once said I cared for him a lot esp. after him having attempted suicide. He said I was implying he’s cripple and less of a man and I have insulted him like no other and that im the one who needs medical attention. What do I do? I care for him still not in a romantic way but as someone I did once love. And before all that, does it seem that he’s bipolar? Reading all the net all day, he does resemble a lot of the people who state how they behave in a relationship. I would like your views and advice. I feel very lost. Could he be bipolar and if so what do I do?
welcome rose, wow that was a long one, as they all are. the only thing i can say is work on yourself, and the reason am saying that is because, if you dont you will end up with someone else with the same type of problem, deal with your own issues first, if you think you havent got any do some soul searching, i did. i had anger problems stemming from childhood etc, issues from my past, bad relationship after bad relationship and emotional abuse. he maybe could be bipolar, but he also could be borderline or have narcissistic personality disorder, who knows. was he abused as a child, i get the feeling he didnt tell you everything about his past. my ex BP was very similar, i am now over him and have moved on, he still texts and rings me now wanting me back, yet when he got me back all the other times he didnt want me. we have tried and tried to work all this out on here- how their minds work etc, maybe one day we will know, one day the penny may drop, till then i would suggest you walk away till you know yourself inside out, cos it will cause you more heartache as many of us on here have endured, stay on the forum and we will all help each other, i have been off for a while, been doing my searching of myself 🙂 xx
RUN Rose, RUN…..read my posts on here and see what HELL relationships with Bipolars have on you. I am always going to be madly in love with my ExBP, but her brain is GONE…..swiss cheese. It seems to just get worse.
Wish I had better things to say, but this year was complete trauma on me. I don’t want you to go through the madness I had put up with.
Bipolar is a serious mental illness without a cure.
I love her, hate the disease. Peace.
bit more richard skerrit – also mentions the imago theory which i also read all about, mentioned harville hendrix on here before and read all his books, it explains a few things xxxxx
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[Many of us in (or formerly in) relationships with abusive partners have observed a tendency to fall back into the same patterns in succeeding relationships. For many of us, we wonder if this is the equivalent of a “relationship death sentence”. I’m happy to say that for me it has not been so. Awareness, though, is key. One part of this awareness is recognizing the tendency toward partners with specific traits. This section, from the chapter on Dealing with Love, explains one piece of that puzzle. I explain this much more completely in my second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not!
As time progresses, my offering continues to grow to address the different challenges that we face in dealing with abusive partners and setting a future path to something better. Let me take a few lines and outline the three books I now have for this audience:
Tears and Healing, my first book, deals with the emotional challenges of recognizing an abusive situation and building a new emotional and moral foundation that can allow to escape from the crush of abuse. This book is about you and your thoughts and feelings about your life situation.
In Love and Loving It – Or Not!, my second book, goes into much more depth in explaining how and why we fall in love, and how that relates to a loving relationship, which is different. Since most of us got into our abusive situations by falling in love, and stayed there partly because of that, this is a key issue for us. It isn’t just important in dealing with our current or past relationship, but also for the future. This book can help you take concrete steps to make this aspect of your emotional life work better for you.
Meaning from Madness addresses the issues I spend so much time on in personal consultation: what drives a disordered person to do what they do? Personality disordered people have a psychological dynamic that makes them think and act in ways that are totally different from us, and totally puzzling until we start to learn what makes them tick. Part of understanding is also knowing what are the possibilities for improvement with treatment. This book offers factual insight rather than emotional insight, and really is an essential addition to Tears and Healing.
Get all three together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. My favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also the Richard Skerritt Package. that includes The Way of Respect. Plus I offer the two disorder packages: the sociopath pack and the Borderline Pack which combine my books with a book by a recommended author.]
Why Do I Long for Her (or Him)? – Imago Theory
I hear this question a lot, and since I worked hard to get a plausible explanation of this for myself, I want to offer this short discourse on Imago Relationship Theory, attributable to Hendrix.
Imago – Each of us forms an Image (called an imago – pronunciation: i mah go) based on the characteristics of our primary caregivers as young children. This subconscious image includes the shortcomings in those people, including how we were hurt or neglected. It determines who we will fall in love with. When we meet an imago match, we quickly feel like we’ve always known him, we can’t remember being without him. We fee that we aren’t complete without him, that we must have him. Our subconscious is overjoyed at finding the person who once had cared for us, and will now resume and make everything right.
Romantic love overwhelms us and makes us behave in unselfish ways, and see only the good in the person. Invariably this peters out (usually soon after engagement or marriage) and the person hurts us in the same way as our childhood caregivers (this is why they match our image), and we are ill prepared to deal with this. The relationship falters, and if both partners cannot grow to overcome the weaknesses that they have, the relationship will fail. By this time, our subconscious has caught on that this person isn’t going to make everything right, and we are ready to go find another imago match. This is commonly called falling out of love.
The bad news is that these feelings of necessity are very strong early in the relationship. The good news: there are lots of imago matches in the world, and you can find others if you work at it. More bad news: since you failed in your first relationship, and didn’t overcome your weaknesses, you’ll do it all over again.
If you’re not used to thinking about how your mind and feelings work together, this might sound like psycho-babble. But it is a very powerful model that fits with real life experience. It really helped me to move on when my subconscious went out and found a near-clone of my BPW and flattened me into love with her. So theories like this can help you see what’s happening in a different way, makes better choices about how you react, and move on to feeling better.
Hendrix has at least two books: Getting the Love You Want (for couples) and Keeping the Love You Find (for singles) (p. 163). They’re wordy but well worth the time and effort if you are struggling to understand why you are so in love with someone, or how to get out of love with someone who is bad for you.
Interesting post on Richard….with respect to me, however…I long for Terri as it was by far the best loving rewarding greatest relationship I was ever in….that is UNTIL SHE GOT SICK……
I’ve never been one to go after “bad” relationships myself. In fact, most of the relationships I’ve been in have been pretty good.
I rather enjoyed the post though. Thanks for posting it.,
Thanks for your comments guys.
@ Michelle999: i don’t think i have many underlying issues myself. yes i’ve had a up and down past but many people have. and we deal with them. my soul searching came after a car accident when i was 21, after that i changed my outlook on life. i’ve always been level headed, non judgemental and positive. i modelled for a few years and educated myself to a high level and work in the city. i was and am happy. i didnt get attracted to him because of his condition. we both are amateur actors, shared a passion and got talking. through getting to know me, he became who i wanted. later when i saw it was an act and that his past issues are interfering in his life, my love for him did start to lose its strength. i still still love, always will but im not in love with him. because of him, i had to cope with my father;s illness alone, i lost my job and failed my final exam because he used to call me at 3 in the morning to chat and then later blame me for running up his bill. something isnt right and i only see that when im no longer with him. he wasnt abused as a child but he has a turbulent relationship with his mother. he’s overly sensitive and that caused problems there too, he left home pretty early on. yet the only thing he speaks about is his mother and how much he loves her. standing by him or not isnt an option, he wants me out. so i’ll go and as you said will concentrate on finding someone good for me in life. i think the drawback i had/have is being attracted to bad boys, that is the one thing i can think of in me that didnt work in my favour. maybe i ought to reevaluate that. nearly all of my guy friends have proposed to me saying id make someone very happy but i dont find them attractive because they’re saints. food for thought i guess…
as for leaving him, i only found it difficult because he was my first love. and the first time is always so hard. but im wise and have enough life experience to tell me that life is hard and sometimes we just need to let go. if he needs me ever in life, i don’t know how i’ll respond. but safe to say that im pretty sure that wont be for a while now. i dont know what he has, if he’s bipolar or borderline, a personality disorder but i know that something’s not right.
thanks you guys, really appreciate the support.
Raan/Rose
All relationships start off great especially those with bipolar persons. They are like a set of new tires If you got four good yrs out of them before they turn to shit then your going to have to be happy with that. Also when you take a much younger person for a mate the chances are triple that the person will go through lifes changes. Its called growing up. People do change I also married a much younger non bipolar woman had two kids a new house in a great area lasted eleven yrs before she decided to live a new life. Bipolar are not the only ones who change like that and yes it sucks but you need to change with it. Get your act together stop worrying about what she is doing and start taking care of buisness and yourself. Wasting your time on a person you basically do not exist for is stupid. Putting your ”
Life in the hands of a mentally ill person is dumb. Take charge of your own life and man up! Does it hurt? Is sure as fuck does. Should you refuse to see your duty to yourself and your daughter then you will go the way of others who would not could not change. The dinosaur. Dinosaur’s do not exist because they did not have the power of reason. You do! We all miss what we had in the beginning of a great relationship often forgetting the bad. Bipolar is a progressive disease. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to take charge after all if you are gone then she will only have a mental person to rely on. And that’s also stupid.. Don’t be stupid! You don’t fight a battle unless there is something to be gained by it.. Don’t fight a losing battle. Yeah I know this that and the other thing. But now its time to rebuild and recoup your losses. Put on your big boy pants and straiten up and fly right. Set a goal whether it be a new car new bike new lover or new place place to to live or maybe all of those and go for it! Don’t put a mental person behind the wheel or you will end up in a wreck.. And that’s tbss too bad so sad… And just plain dumb.
And if you think that’s harsh there is going to be more where that came from mister. You don’t think there are other beautiful sweet kind and thoughtful woman out there who deserve and want a kind loving thoughtful relationship? Then read the blogs over again. Mean people suck no matter what they look like..
Well done Lost…..you are back on your feet!!
Kind thoughts coming your way! x
‘We all miss what we had in the beginning of a great relationship often forgetting the bad.’ exactly. that’s what i did. but i did that cuz i believe in fidelity and loyalty. every relationship has problems, i wanted to work through ours. but he just couldnt understand and would throw a rage. sometimes, very rarely when i spoke to him gently i could see the penny drop….that lasted one day. i didnt know he had a problem, if i had known i would have taken a different approach. there’s no reasoning with someone you cant reason with and as u say bipolar is a progressive disease. if i’d known that he wasnt well, then id known that what im doing is wasted. it feels goods to know what went wrong after him still mailing me now and then to point out that i was the failure with us much to my shock. at least i can stop saying to him please stop being dr jeckyl and my hyde. cuz now i understand he cant help it. answering the what went wrong will allow me to gain that little bit of peace that i lost when with him. only the why will remain unanswered and that is something only god will answer one day.
Why is the same as why god made little green apples. Its the nature of the disease that causes a host of other disorders. Living the bipolar life style that they do with all its lies and infidelity’s tends to make them paranoid angry unforgiving and pointing there blame and failures on others etc..
Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to do or die. Either we shit or get off the pot. Can’t fix what refuses to admit is broken.
Touche’ Lost! I totally agree!
Cmon folks, lighten up abit. We we’re all searching for “why” at one time. That’s the stage Rose is at. How many people start by asking “can someone help me?” Thats the way I started. I didnt know what the F BP was. I didn’t know the psychology or the depth of the illness. She’s looking for some answers to make some peace, both with herself and the relationship. Damn, I put 20 years in mine. I’m the poster boy for “FOOL”
There are issues we too have, whether we want to hear that or not. we can pretend we are the saviours of these people, we can pretend we’ve met sliced bread again. Alot comes down to how well you know the illness and what it does to people and relationships. We see on the news all the time now, he’s BP, she’s BP and some doc condenses the explaination of what BP is in 30 seconds. BP needs its own reality channel properly named BP not the 6 oclock news or pregnant and 13.
Rose read up as much as you can. There is often other personality issues or disorders that accompany someone who is BP, so there is not just one answer to any queston of why someone did this or that.
Take the time to take care of yourself first. we often, very often dont do that. Most BP partners are not selfish, the relationship wouldn’t make it past can you spare some toilet paper phase.
And dont asking questions. The more you are able to understand things , the better you are able to get over it and move on.
Sorry, don’t STOP asking questions.
@Mark: thanks, you know me so well 🙂 i didn’t know anything about bipolar till last night. i read all night and today all day and the penny kinda dropped that he may be so. im still reading up on other disorders that may accompany this. i’d like to know for myself and also to leave it with him to consider for the next time he falls in love with someone. because neither he nor she would deserve that. if he contacts me, i’ll pass him the knowledge. what he chooses to do with it is up to him. he’l hate me for it but it’ll be no worse than how things are now. and yes you’re right, i will concentrate on moving away from him and paying a little more attention on getting my life back on track.
20 yrs is a longggg time mark…i was only with this guy for 1.5 yrs. and i dont want to be anyone’s saviour. it’s a big responsibility to carry, and i won’t force my way into his life to help him. of course, you ‘re right, we all have issues. but acting the way that he does i can see the difference between normal and not so normal issues. i think that’s what attracted him to me…he liked my sense of stability he said. i hope he finds his way in life. and me mine as it was 2 years ago.
really appreciate your post above.
I just wrote the LONGEST post and this stupid website gobbled it all up…I am SO bummed. At least 30-45 minutes down the drain.
Well, Terri with Crusty again…peanut the rapist is in an open relationship with her and went to single on his facebook page after 24 hours…guess he got dumped too today.
She is still out of her mind….on new meds, but wants NOTHING to do with me.
Court coming up soon….(child support) and visitation court papers are going to be picked up there so I can start filing with that stuff after.
She’ll let me have Sophie for a weekend every other weekend now.
She acts NOTHING like she used to. She seems to manage her life (job, etc) okay though….
She seems to have gotten bored with facebook which is weird…ALL she did was facebook when she moved back in January this year….all day all night. Now, she hardly ever logs on it if at all.
I think she isn’t happy by the sound of her voice. I get the impression that she she never wants to work “us” out ever again…at least from what she says at this point.
I guess being with a High school kid that can hardly write with no job and lives with his mama- or a pizza making rapist that has no car or cannot write either is MUCH more appealing to her VS. a loving man that has a nice home, car and a good job…..
it’s hard NOT to be offended nor hurt watching this unfold.
Oh well….forward
I’ve been REALLY really working hard to find someone else….I mean with a vengence. It isn’t panning out too well, but I am working hard at it.
I miss my Family so much…even terri and after ALL the crap she put me thru….probably will never ever get over her nor stop loving her…the REAL terri…before she got sick.
Awful situation….I feel for the kids. Dang.
ROSE: if you would like to ask questions here…feel free. I and others are here for you and have been thru hell and back with this BP stuff.
Get informed, and get happy.
Cya folks
Raan,
WTF! bud, you’re waiting to go to court to let them tell you what SHE gets for child support BEFORE you’re filing for custody arrangments?
Sorry guy, you’re going to tell us next you can’t afford to file. Or she’s going to tell you, pay me this much each month and we’ll talk about getting back together. Sorry guy, your doing it backwards, you’re better off fighting to get Sophie yourself.
Rose,
Don’t be afraid to tell the guy he’s BP. In some calm setting or calm time if possible. You can even take the approach, hey, I saw this on the news, use the beta jones story if you want and just say hey this sounds like me meaning “you” and then say you “him” as well. I finally did it like that, a little non threatening then saying “your crazy” which I’m positive somebody has screamed at em in their lifetime. I’m at the point now where I can tell em they’ve left the building and are in space with some of there actions and ideas and it doesnt start a big fight. Beleive me, they KNOW something is going on they just do not know WHAT. I know they dont immediately run off to the MH center with you for a full evaluation, med write up and pysch coundseling but its a start in the right direction. Often alot is communicating and doing things in a non combative way, hard I know. Educating yourself will start calming you down, alot you’ve been thru will start to have some type of answers. best of luck. remeber, take care of yourself FIRST.
Thanks Mark. I spoke to a good friend last night. He doesn’t know anything about bp either so said he cant judge. But he said he could just be a ‘class-a jerk’. And that does make me think what if he is just a jerk? What if i provide him with this information (which you’re right, i’ll find the right way of doing and the beta-jones story sounds like the best way) and i’m wrong. He’s made it clear to me that he’ll be fine if I go away and i’m the cause of his stress. But the more i read about this and other associated disorders, the more i can see something isn’t right. I spoke to his friend who is overseas and simply outlined a reaction of his and he said something, somewhere isn’t right man. I wrote to his best friend who’s also here to speak with me but i don’t know him well so why would he believe anything i say? The guy won’t listen to me so i thought i’d leave it with someone who might. But then i think what if i’m wrong, if i’m misinterpreting the situation and we were just a normal couple with fights and he’s just a jerk. And i interfere and say all this to find i’m wrong and eveyone thinks i’m insane and it causes anger from everywhere. In my heart deep down, i don’t believe that and to back up this i know he also had the same instance with his last girlfriend after whom he also tried to commit suicide. But there’s also the possibility that we’re wrong. If i’m wrong, i’ll be the world’s wrost person in eveyone’s eyes. I don’t care if people think i’m insane for thinking this if i turn out to be wrong, but it will incur a lot of anger and i know i’ll be disrespected a lot in trying to figure this out. My friend said it’s not your problem, he’s a grown man..let it go. Just need to decide what i should do…what’s right and what’s best.
Rose,
The what if I’m wrong stopped me for way too long. You gotta view it like an intervention. From all you’ve said, at the very least counseling of some sort would be reccomended. This is exactly one of the main reasons people dont get the help they need, we tend to make it “something else” that is wrong. Telling someone you think they are Mentally ill doesn’t come out of your mouth as easy as “hey, you got da flu, you better see a doctor”. Once you get past that stage whether they stay in contact with you or not, you’ve done the right thing. If it’s this hard as aclose friend, you can see why family steer clear about talking about it.
I think i’ll do my research. And i’ll wrote him a mail saying i’m always here for him. I won’t meet with his friend or tell anyone anything. i’ll just write to ther guy saying next time he goes through a hard patch, i may be able to help. i think when he’s cornered by life itself, he’ll be more willing to listen. that seems fairer on me too as he’s my ex and i really ought to move on with my life after him having left me a year ago but keeping in touch with me now and then despite me not wanting to. this way, he’ll have his space and me mine till the next time something happens. if it does and he tells me, i’ll have more confidence in that i may be right as it’s all happening again and he’ll be more willing to listen. i’ll tell his friend in the meantime to keep an eye on him just for my sake. and leave everything there. yes that sounds more healthy i think.
Hi Rose…..
I wrote that email.
I wrote and said “I will always be here for you!”
And I always was……
Then one day I discovered a world he lived in that I didnt even know existed, two years I was with him, two years of caring and loving him, being there…..
My advice…… 3 months down the line since I have seen my Ex, is RUN…..very fast, do not get dragged into their world! I thought I could fix it, I was told he loved me enough to die for me……he loved no one!!
3 months down the line I am very happy, more than happy, my life is free from the pain of it all and I will never look back!
He will hurt you, he will F%&* your life up, he has already made a start……dont ever be under the illusion you can manage this…..you cant!
Please listen, I was you 12/18 months ago, I lost 2 years of my life crying for someone who was never who I thought he was…..dont do it…..walk away!!
“Wishing” you the very best!
totally agree with you xxxxxx good to see you too xx
@Wishing well: i can’t help but think you’re right and yes i’ll definitely think about it. thankfully, i’ve declined to speak with him now and he’s too busy hating me to speak with me. if he ever does, i’ll think abt it then. my own head will be clearer then too. but yes i think i believe that you’re right on this one. thanks.
Your welcome…..and he will speak to you again, thats how its works, he loves you, he hates you……
With Bipolar you live your life believing that love is complicated and difficult but real love isn’t……
To walk away maybe the hardest thing you will ever do but you will never fix him and if you stay you will never know real love! xx
Thank you Michelle,
Its sad but life has to go on……my conclusion now is that the two worlds dont mix, we cannot live side by side!
Medication may help, I will never know now!
BUT I do know that the knots in my stomach have gone, the daily guess of he loves me he loves me not…….. is over!! xx
yeah but the only reason that the two could ever mix is cos they teach us valuable lessons, i have learnt a lot form my BP, how to stand up for myself for one. we learn by our mistakes and i agree with the imago theory xxx glad you are well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hmmmm. Interesting posts folks.
I get a phone call today…terri suggests I drive up there, pick up everyone for the weekend so I can see her and the kids.
She knows my car won’t make the trip well, so I say, well…it might make it…and she says…well, my van (which is falling apart badly) would probably do better, but it needs a tuneup…
She claims she is doing this so “I” can be happy if for a few days, but would like me to pay for everything…including tuning up her car so it will make it back…by the way….it means nothing about getting back together….no assuming we are going to “sleep” together and I have to “keep it to myself”
Sounds like she wants me to be her sugar daddy for the weekend to me….
Any comments? Am I right on the mark?
Lost suggested to me today to just go up and see my daughter and let her car hang….let her see Sophie and I have a great time without terri…let her loser boyfriends pay to fix the car…..
I agree completely…..
I must admit, I sure would love to spend the weekend with my family….
I think Mark or Bittersweet will agree with lost and myself…..
Am I finally starting to get it? I THINK SO.
I would love to hear what you all say.
ROSE….RUN
Yes Raan I agree…..
Go See Sophie she must be your priority and take every chance you can, its good for access rights too that you are involved!
Terri has gone now, you must not be a sugar daddy or anything else…..you must have pride for yourself if nothing else?
Raan you can be happy again!
When you are least expecting it, someone good will come into your life, dont hang onto Terri, I did that, I didnt let myself be open to other opportunities, no one could get close to me, it was a barrier I couldnt see…….remove it and look for love again!!
Terri is bizzaro-terri now. Does everything opposite that she used to do…was kind-now mean…once considerate-now tries just to use me….
So, that’s i think this is…her trying to get something out of me.
Mark, are you proud of me man? I got it.
it behooves me to think she is doing ANYTHING for MY benefit or to make me happy if only for the weekend.
her loser broke boytoys have nothing to offer her….so, then she comes around like now in the guise of “to make me happy” Rigghhhhhhhtt
Pity. Too bad she didn’t really care anymore-other than HERSELF.
@Wishing well: the sound of the penny dropping may be deafening but it certainly helps answer all those questions; even if only bp is a possibility. You seem to have gone through a similar time to me in some ways and i’m happy that the knots in your stomach have gone…mine are certainly disappearing too.
My brother said something to me during my relationship which u now repeated and it hit the final nail in the coffin. He said that he doesn’t expect me to believe him when he says this but because this was my first relationship, i should trust him when he says that this isn’t what love and relationships are abt. This isn’t how things work in real life and if i took a step away and cut contact with him (due to that invisible barrier of not letting anyone else in), i’ll soon well find a deserving partner who’ll show me what happiness in a relationship really means.
I think i’ll be eternally grateful to my partner for this one thing; leaving me; since i could never have taken that first step. Which allowed me to discover all this and come to my senses. To stay away is most certainly for the best. Appreciate your post a lot.
Rose,
Wow, you really are much wiser than your years. You are going to be fine. It really is a learning process about both BP AND YOURSELF. While there is obviously alot of pain, it forces you to examine how you deal with your relatioships and what type of person you are and what to be.
I say this to everyone. If I were to gaurantee you that you would find a happier, loving and peaceful relationship by moving on past a current emotional roller coaster one with an out of control BP, would you? Remember it was a gaurantee. I would hope you would say …”of course”
It is only that gaurantee that often blocks you from seeking one out. While all our stories have details like marriage, kids, money issues that play a big part in it, it shouldn’t stop you. Life is just too short.
Raan, my friend , yes I am happy for you. I know this is taking a long time, its like a shark knawing at your elbow all day, wk and month. There are truely a million fish in the sea,meeting, talking , connecting is even more easier now via the internet. DONT SETTLE. Don’t think you have to make Terri your family for life because of your daughter. You should however make Sophie a priority for life and she really needs that now.
I know my 20 year history doesnt make me the smartest tool in the shed,i deal with that everyday thinking what if. Well I’m past that now and a hundred times better off, smarter and with every passing day getting healthier. I got a 19 yr boy in the Army who I couldn’t be prouder of; no teenager is pregant to him that I’m aware of and he’s been able to get thru all our storms.
Just dont be afraid to take a chance and make a better life for yourself becuse you dont know of a “for sure”. The only for sure I know of only one for sure for everyone and i hope that truely is along ways away.
@Mark: Thank you. I guess the coping mechanims I’ve come to develop in life worked for me here. I dedicated a yr and a half to our relationship and another to try and get through to him and hang on for our sake. My self-respect won’t let me carry on as the answers to the two questions; would he do the same for me, do i deserve this both is a no.
Having said that, he left me so it was easier for me to walk away. You invested 20 yrs in your relationship. I wouldn’t be hard on myself if I’d done the same; you shouldn’t be either. Reason being is that as you said my situation is very uncomplicated; i’ve only been very lucky. We’re all human and i can guarantee that we all would have felt the same in your situation. Some good things come out of the all the bad things in life. For me, this relationship allows me to see a bright future and by comparison, a potentially effortless relationship in that. Any time i find a relationship in the future difficult, i’ll only have to cast my mind back to what this felt like. I’m sure you have countless moments of that wisdom to take further with you too that couldn’t have been obtained any other way. Not to mention a lovely son. As you said, it’s a learning process and a chance to re-evaluate more about who you are and what you’d like in life.
Whether i choose to help him or not now is something i haven’t settled on and will take my time in doing so depending on how things unravel. For once, i’ll take my time thinking…
It’s strange..i feel like i’m speaking to an entire different species of human beings here. My friends who are around the same age as me don’t believe in so much loyalty. Over the smallest issues, they move on from their partners. They always said i’d tried to make it work like someone saves their marriage and they’d just have dumped him at the first fight what with how his behaviour was. And when i spoke to my married friends, they said the same thing. Good to talk to all you guys here who have been at different stages of your relationships but felt the same.
Quiet for 3 weeks? Everyone ok?
Spring has sprung. The extra sunlight has worked its magic! Helping all of up BP & non BP. Maybe some new loves? Or not so new loves arrived with spring 🙂 a bad economy coupled with longer work days keeps us without much personnel time? All is good I hope for now. Still standing on our own two feet 🙂
well, things went well in court. Terri moves back with kids in 2 days. She isn’t 100%, but remarkably like she used to be in many ways.
She lost her home this week. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Cross my fingers it lasts a little while so I can spend a lot of time with the kids.
I am going to really try….terri swears to do the same.
We’ll see. i don’t expect it to last, but will do my best.
Low stress, low expectations, and know she’ll run off again sometime….
A recipe for dealing with it?
Start over as new! Use your smarts! Be cunning and don’t forget what u have learned by mistakes past.. Go easy but be silently shrewd. I’m here for ya! We all are rooting for you. Go easy..
Yep
How is everyone else doing? it HAS been quiet.
I am doing great everyone….thanks!!
Life couldnt be better, got out and started to live again!!
Summer is here and everyday is soooooo good, new man is wonderful, kind, caring, loving and I wonder why didnt I do it sooner? 😉
Lost, you sound great…..getting there??
Raan, good luck but you already know the outcome?
Mark, hope all is good for you?
Rose, how did it turn out…..well I hope?
Michelle……new life??
Bittersweet……..we have been each others “Rock”, a lasting friendship that will continue?
Lots of love everyone….Wishing xx
I already know the outcome? perhaps…perhaps it may be different with different meds?
Today, it is now delayed on her arrival date showing back here, but PROMISES she IS coming still….we’ll see.
Glad you are happy Wishing.
Thank you Raan but anyone can do it, it takes guts yes, but the outcome is so much better!!
Raan you must never bank on anything if you stay, just take each day as it comes and always, ALWAYS stay ahead of the game……
She will hurt you again and again but you know that, if you can stand the pain then maybe it will work…….I couldnt, I loved him, I wasnt going to share him with anyone!!
Think seriously Raan because take it from me, there is light at the end, I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be this happy again!! xx
Good advice. I’ll always do my best to be my best and to think ahead. I’m doing better.
I think I’m handling everything much better lately. I intend it to stay that way.
I’ll be careful and keep in mind she may pack up on any given day for any or no reason and that could today even. I’m hip to it at this point I think. Noticed I chilled out posting lately? I have a much better grip on things.
Her antics still get to me sometimes, but not as much now. What a nightmare it is to get to this point.
I feel or EVERYONE that has endured being in a relationship with a bipolar….I had no idea it would become this bad in hindsight. I am AMAZED looking back
on these last 8 months. What she did…what I put up with….BOUNDARIES.
Tragic disorder what it does to people…tragic.
It is tragic Raan and very very sad but we have to do what is best for us all, some will stay some will go…..but remember dont ever put someone elses happiness before your own…..you are responsible for your life and happiness!!
@Wishing Well and all: Yes it turned out well thank you. He’s out of my life. I chose not to help. I think i owe it to myself to focus on myself now. Still putting my life together but there’s no pain in doing so. In fact, i’m happy, having fun and kissing the floor every morning thinking thank god im not with him. Life couldn’t be better. What love? Don’t remember a thing anymore 😉
So nice to see so many similar and positive replies from you all about how things are going with you 🙂
So pleased Rose….you really did save yourself so much heartache……I didnt see a future whilst in the BP relationship, now I have so much to look forward too!!
Good luck….stay strong! xx
Thank you 🙂 Best of luck to you too with your new life. God knows we deserve it!
hi everyone, my boyfriend is bipolar too. he was really fall in love with me…he lost his job on january and second day he called me and told me he doesnt love me and he never loved me he only loves me like his friend we were planning to marry i was shock i couldnt eat, drink long time…i send him few email and he send me so many nice one too…after one month we went out he did so many nice think to me he spent so much money for me (i know he doesnt even have penny) second they he told me he doesnt love me he still loves his ex girl friend i was shock again…third day he told me his problem whith himself and he told me he has been like this last couple of years he cant help himself he is very unseccfull no one trust him but he doesnt trust noone too…his very close friend told me he is bipolar but he doesnt take med…i love this guy i’am not sure if he loves me i try to help him sometimes he tolks sometimes doesnt….the worse thing is he goes to dating site everyday trying to find a girl…i wrote him from this dating site he asked me pic and he told me he is very rich:)))i dint say anything… he is a big lier but he wasnt like that this is not him…he was very nice not lier he, very honest guy…he has different personallty now but i am still trying to help him cos when he wasnt ill he did so many nice things to me:((
Hell Sofia, welcome!
Its a similar story to us all, we have all had the problems you have described, you will need to educate yourself on Bipolar and then do some long hard thinking as to whether you can live with the Bipolar illness, I couldnt and have been lucky enough to find really happiness after a couple of years of trying to make the relationship with Bipolar work.
Talk to anyone who will help, read all the info you can find and ask all the questions you can…..its a roller-coaster and hard to get off, make sure you know what you are doing because it will test you to the limit!!
Echo this totally!
Geeeeez. this story sounds SOOOOO familiar, It sounds like **I** wrote it!!! Hmmmmmm
Hey wish! Good to hear your doing life over again and this time getting some real results away from bp guy. You always said we make our choices and I am glad you were able to jump off the sinking bp ship and find yourself something more suited to the fine babe that you are 😉
Michelle/Bitterbabe I hope are doing well and I am sorry I haven’t been able to keep in touch as much as I’d like. Been caught up in myself mostly. Taking care and trying to bring myself up to speed with the rest of the none bipolar world.
Raandle I keep a handle on you for awhile. Turns out you have become a good friend of mine and I don’t throw that term around loosely. Your doing great so just keep it up. Everyday is a new day and should be treated as such.
I’m always around reading the blogs but I may not add my two cents worth all the time. I think the pretty ladies on this blog can help the woman better to a certain degree.
As for me? Well spring and the longer days and warm sunlight has once again come to my rescue. I am officially back with my beautiful hot and sexy but crazy non bp girlfriend michelle my bell 🙂
For now I will not put all my eggs in one basket and I’ll be keeping a few of my favorite play pals close at hand just incase things head south 😉
Yes I’m a pig I guess but its not all my fault! I learned this the hard way..
And its not my fault god made you woman so attractive to me 😉
I love each and every one of you (one and maybe two at a time preferably 🙂
Well just wanted to say hello to you all and wish you the best! Keep in touch you brats lol.
Really good to hear Lost….so pleased….I wish you good luck with your lady!
We are all doing ok, I think!
It is very interesting but the words Lost has wrote below are so true, the people we met, the people of our dreams never go back to being who we fell in love with, its a sad fact that they blame us for the breakdown of the relationships when all the time we tried so hard to hold it all together!
P.S.
I did contact my xbp girl just as an experiment. She said I’m forgiven and holds no bad will against me lmfao that’s so big of her 🙂
Yes poor things still nuts and never came back to being the sweet thing I had fallen in love with. That’s TBSS too bad so sad lol.
what is the name of the natural remedy for helping with BP disorder vs. prescribed meds? Can’t remember
BHT5 or something
After combing the internet for answers on dating someone with Bipolar, I came across these forums. I have found some solace in reading the stories of many as I can relate to almost all of them.
I am a retired veteran of the United States Army. I have served in Operation Desert Storm and more recently in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I have experienced my share of emotional and mental breakdowns due to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). So I thought I understood this disorder…somewhat.
I have been dating a woman for nearly two years. At first everything seemed normal as any new relationship would. But as time went by, I started noticing very odd behavior. Three weeks into our relationship she told me she was in love with me. Naturally I could not respond in kind as I barely knew her. She took this very personally and broke off the relationship. The very next day she recanted and said she didn’t mean to break it off. We had a conversation about it where she revealed to me that she was a Bipolar. She told me she had had two failed marriages and several failed relationships. Of course I became cautious but stayed in the relationship anyway. (I’ve been through two wars how difficult can this be) Over the next year many more episodes occurred. She told me at least 4 more times that she didn’t want our relationship anymore because she had an interest in someone else. In one incident she actually slept with someone else. Each time I forgave her and truly tried to make it work. Here I am almost two years later and it continues to happen.
She goes through extreme moods, depression, self hate and questionable behavior. She tells me one day that I am the love of her life then turns around and tells me the very next day she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She admits that she can not be faithful, she says, she can’t help herself. At this point I have fallen in love with this woman and find it extremely hard to walk away from her even though it’s taking an emotional toll on me. I have gone to the extent as to take courses at the VA to learn more about Bipolar Disorder. I felt that if I could understand what was happening I could be more supportive.
Most recently (yesterday) she broke it off again. She was going through another episode. What pushed her over the edge this time was when she went into a local store and had her debit card declined for insufficient funds. She’s been having financial problems and this incident embarrassed her and push her into another depression. She text me and said she couldn’t continue our relationship. This completely out of nowhere. Again I am devastated. I couldn’t sleep last night and have been unable to eat all day today. She text me today and said she was sorry for hurting me. Then a second text later she said she had a total meltdown and had spoken to her doctor. I simply responded by saying that I understood how she felt and that I was here for her regardless of how she wanted me out of her life.
I am at a loss on what to do or how to proceed. I am a Special Forces Soldier in the United States Army and am embarrassed to say that I have been crying all day. My world is shattered. I love this woman with every fiber of my being. But I how I feel right now, I’d rather be dodging bullets in Iraq again. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
Devastated and heart broken in CA~Luis
LEARN. Educate yourself on Bipolar disorder. READ every letter on this forum….you’ll see a pattern. Work on your own sanity. It’s So hard. Hang n there!
Everyone,
You are not alone! I married a woman 2 years ago, and everything went well for the first 6 months, then everything went haywire. She spent money frivolously and impulsively to the tune of causing me to file for bankruptcy. Now, between the 2 of us we took in over $150,000.00/yr. She makes $20,000.00 more a year than me. She would only help pay by paying the minimum because she said if she helps pay the debt too soon I would end up leaving her when the debt was gone. She also taught her daughter to disrespect me in my own home. You see, the 2 of them lived like utter slobs to the point of ruining my house. When I tried to teach her daughter to not get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave unfinished food laying all around the house my wife would reprimand me in front of her daughter and tell her that I had a personality disorder. So, now the daughter can do anything she wants in my home. My wife would let her stay up all hours of the night with the TV blaring, go in the refrigerator and eat junk food whenever she wanted, and now the child is obese and looking unhealthy. My wife also has a severe compulsive gambling problem and vicodin problem. She always made me feel like crap because she said I was trying to take her gambling away and her vicodin away. I told her she can do anything she wants as long as it was done responsibly. She actually said to me: could you imagine if I stopped gambling and impulsive spending she would have lots of money. I replied: yea, then we can start doing things as a family. Her come back: well you can save for that. She use to constantly complain to me about me having a house and credit cards and she doesn’t, and what kind of husband am I if I don’t let her use the credit cards. Well, I did and now I am filing for bankruptcy. I finally told her and her daughter had to leave. She left, and now she is punishing me.
Here is where the bipolar disorder comes in. When she left she told me with tears that she doesn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought maybe we could try and patch and save the marriage. I helped her move, came over on weekends to help fix things around her new place, and took them out to dinner and a bunch of things for her. I would do all these things only to go thru her bipolar episodes of constantly reminding me of forcing her to live like she has to now by telling her to leave. One moment she loves me and the next I was a jerk for throwing her love in the gutter. She makes $90,000.00/yr. and is constantly broke and expects me to bail her out financially like a good husband. I have her and her daughter on my health insurance at the cost of $558.00/mo. You see, she gets 200 vicodin/mo on my insurance and would only get 30 vicodin/mo on her insurance, and if she goes on her insurance she is afraid that her HMO Company would see her medical history with the possibility of losing her RN nursing license. She can be pleasant one moment and at the drop of a hat be screaming at me and putting me down. She is a 24/7 complainer and you never know what will trigger an episode. She does this with daughter all the time. She keeps her daughter at home gives her anything she wants and then screams at her by cursing at her and threatening her daughter that she is going to have her live with her father in VA because her daughter is constantly trying to get her mother’s attention which she hardly gives her . Her daughter can’t socialize very well, so she keeps her daughter at home all alone in the middle of now where during the day and most nights when my wife goes gambling. The child writes on facebook constantly how crazy her mom is and can’t wait to go to VA for the summer so she can get away from her crazy mom. The child never leaves the house, but leaves only when her mom takes her for junk food or to the restaurant for dinner because her mom has all these ailments and doesn’t want to cook. I went over her house a couple of weeks ago and went gambling with her because I told her I would, but also told her we should gamble responsibly. Well she lost her money and asked me for money to keep on playing. I gave her twenties up to $100.00 and told her we should go home because her daughter has to eat. Well, I took them to dinner. While we were eating at the restaurant she had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t say a word because I didn’t want to trigger an episode in public. She then told me to hold off because she might work something out. Well I held out and she didn’t say anything further, so I left without giving her any money. The next week after not answering my phone calls until the following weekend she told me how does it feels not having a wife answering my phone calls. She screamed and cursed me up and down for not giving her any money. She also said she knows she lost her money gambling, but she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Meanwhile I hear her daughter in the background say: mommy if I had the money I would give it to you; not like your husband. I then said but you make $20,000.00/yr more than me. She said: I knew you would say that so f*** you Bobby and hung up. My friend overheard the whole episode and it even shook him up. I finally had enough of her rollercoaster ride of one minute she loves me to the next abusing and putting me down when all I’m trying to do is help her. I can’t give any more, and it might turn out that way for you. I’m really sorry you have to go through what you are going through, but if they refuse to see they have a problem and won’t seek help for themselves, then there is nothing we can do. We must now take care of ourselves. Yes I know it hurts, but should we keep taking the abuse and ruin our health? I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can patch things up with your wife. I would have given my wife the world if she could only see her problem and maintain responsibly, but I can’t help her because she doesn’t think she needs it. All I wanted is to have a family and do things as a family. Good luck and God bless.
Bob
WHEWWWWWWWW Bob. God lord almighty. i thought *MY* situation was bad. Bipolar dysfunction junction!!!!!
Hang in there people with BP mates. I know I am. I won’t even go into the crap mine is in now. Suffice it to say…
In trouble with the LAW, DSS, and lost her place to live.
Can you say: HIT BOTTOM????
She’s home very soon, and doesn’t want to go back up there anymore. We’ll see, but i like that.
My situation improves daily regarding my terri and our kids.
Hmmmmmmmmm. What a headache but I llove her and she’s worth it to me….I get my kids back too!
Best to all on here. Where is everyone these days?
Raan-man,
Thanks Raan-man! I hope that your situation works out for you. I wish mine would also because I love my wife tremendously. I had to end mine completely by calling child protective services on my wife. Now my wife hates my guts, and I actually feel terrible, but she doesn’t want to seek help, and I can’t take the rollercoaster ride anymore. She just kept treating me like an absolute nothing, but will end with an I love you. I am a diabetic and have to think of my health. If she would admit to her problem I would stop the world and help her, but I just don’t think that is going to happen. Again thanks and good luck to you!
Bob
Hi everyone. I’m incredibly new to this site. I came across the original blog “Do bipolar people have feelings” a few days ago and read many of your guys’ stories. I couldn’t help but feel an extreme hopelessness and familiarity. Which I can’t even do in therapy. He’s bipolar and I have generalized anxiety and seasonal depression. I’ve been with my bipolar for almost two years. We are so young 19 and 20 I know many of you will say that I’m young I need to move on but it’s so hard. I feel a little out of place here by stating my age but he is my best friend as well. It’s scary, the thought of completely losing someone you’ve worked so hard to understand. It’s also disappointing because now that I finally understand him and his illness there’s that thought in my head that tells me I need to get out of this. I simply can’t. I care about the guy so much.
I was about to post my full story but it’s a little long and I feel quite dumb because it’s so ridiculous. I know everyone will say that I should just leave and forget about him, I’m so young but I know I’m extremely mature for my age and wise beyond my years (except with this). It’s easier said then done though. This year 2011, I’ve finally found a voice for myself against him. We fight bad about once a month. That’s when he usually changes. I feel like I don’t even know him. He left me a month ago for no reason. He said I needed to change. I didn’t understand what that meant at first but he wants me to be that sad puppy he had so much control over. It’s sad. I’m exhausted right now. Lost weight when I was already borderline underweight. Gave up so much and tried so hard to make things work. He’s so selfish. It’s nice to get things out and vent to people going through similar experiences. I’m so incredibly tired. Will there ever be peace in my life and will this craziness ever stop? I know I haven’t given enough detail but I feel as if I don’t need to, seeing as he is exactly like everyone else’s bipolar except he hasn’t been with another woman or at least I haven’t caught him. I just need advice on what I should do. Should I leave him alone? What should I do if he comes back?
2345,
Welcome, you’re more then encouraged to post all that is going on. I know it feels both ackward and helpful to vent out your situation but know that all of us here have been thru many of the things your describing.
First thing and the best advice I can give you personally from a long long history of a bp relationship is take care of yourself FIRST!. I know that maybe foreign or strange but it is without a doubt the best thing and first thing you MUST do. You’re no good to yourself to him to anyone. if you cannot focus on that. Already sounds like the relationship is taking its physical as well as psychological toll.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve read so many blogs, and can’t help feel that it’s not a script like everyone here. This is my scipt write of a BPD and BP story book.
I’ve been married to my wife for a little over 2 years now. The same things that I read are exactly what I have been through. Just a few minutes ago just before I started to write I got a call from my wife which totally surprised the heck out me. You see, I have done something to my wife that I for sure thought that she would never want to talk to me ever again.
When my wife wanted to capture me in order to marry me she hired a gym trainer to lose 68 pounds in order to seduce me. She was the one that initiated the I love you and let’s get married. She already knew my weaknesses because I had just broken a relationship I had for 18 years and knew I would be lonely. During her motivation to get me she went out and got a tattoo of my name put on her lower backside. She use to hang on me hand and foot. But, little did I know she had a compulsive gambling habit and legal vicodin habit which she has medical documentation for having it prescribed. She started to spend impulsively on my credit cards to the tune of me ending up in bankruptcy. When I started to go against her lifestyle this was the trigger to put her into her BPD episodes. She told me I had a house and credit cards and she didn’t because she couldn’t’ get her own. She makes $20,000.00/yr more than me but said she can do what she wants with her money and I ended up paying with my credit cards when she got into her instant gratification spending as she put it. She would only pay minimum payments because she told me that if she helps pay the cards off too soon I would end up leaving her which was not the case. She also told me what kind of a husband am I if I didn’t let her use the credit cards to satisfy this instant gratification. She has a 12 year old that she taught how to disrespect me. They lived like utter slobs to the tune of ruining my home. Her daughter would get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave half eaten food and wrappers all over the house. When I tried to teach her daughter not to do these things I would get reprimanded by her mother in front of her daughter. Now, her daughter can do anything she wanted in my home. To make a long story short, she only loved me it seemed only if I allowed her to live her destructive lifestyle. I ended up telling her that she and her daughter had to leave. Well, this is where she started to punish me severely. She said with tears that she didn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought they would leave and we could start working on the marriage. I helped her move, fixed things around her new place, and took them to dinner and places. She now lives on her own and keeps telling me that I forced her to live the way she is now. She is always broke, but she makes $90,000.00/yr. She abuses her daughter because she yells and screams at her daughter like she does to me constantly for reasons I can’t fathom. She leaves her daughter alone most of time because of her gambling. Her daughter has no social skills and no friends to play with. Her daughter keeps asking why she is always mean to her. I kept telling her daughter that her mother really does love her, but she gets angry and says things she doesn’t mean. Her daughter now suffers from Stockholm syndrome which means she sucks up to her mom so she doesn’t get yelled at. An example: I took my wife gambling one weekend in order to try and get her to gamble responsibly, but she lost her money and asked me for some. I gave in because I didn’t want an episode in public. She lost $100.00 of my money so I had to tell her lets go Maggie needs to eat. I took them out to eat, and while eating at the restaurant my wife had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t give her any money and she punished me for that. She told me she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Her daughter also punished me by telling her mom that if she had the money she would give it to her: not like your husband. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I had to contend with as her husband.
In ending, I will say that I got tired of the abuse because every time for quite awhile she would find reason to throw me out of her house after I drove 49 miles to her house to help her. I finally called Child Protective Services on her because if I couldn’t get my wife to seek the help she needs, then I can hopefully help the child. I knew that this would cause my wife to hate my guts and she would never get in contact with me again. I also notified her child’s father to let him know about the abuse of his daughter. Now, I just got a phone call from my wife telling me she is going to Virginia to see her new born grandson for awhile. She said she had to let me know, but why? She had not called me for over a week and I thought I had ended her calling me. Is she trying to keep me in the cycle? Is she still trying to punish me? I thought I had ended it by trying to help the daughter. I really don’t want the child ending up like her mom in later years. She should hate me now that I tried to have her daughter possibly taken away from her. She is paranoid of that. Please give me some insight. I am heartbroken and devastated!
Bob
Well he had left me for no reason a month ago. The situation was him driving my car over 100 mph on the 101 freeway (we live in the San Fernando Valley so it’s cop central specially on that freeway) because he needed to smoke weed. He’s addicted and I normally wouldn’t have an issue with weed but its worsen his bipolar. He’s so dependent on it. He started throwing a fit cause he needed to smoke and I understood this (I don’t smoke at all by the way).
I calmly without raising my voice asked him to slow down because he was going crazy. Then he went even crazier. He finally slowed down and we got to a friends house and he said lets go and asked me for money. I gave him the money and said no I’m crying I want to stay in the car.
He threw a fit again! Like swinging arms, almost hitting me, tears streaming down his face, fit. I’ve only seen him do this once before. I didn’t understand why me not wanting to go inside with him was such a big deal. Well, he smoked and everything was supposed to a-ok again. He went to work right after and texted me as if everything was fine. I asked him if he remembered what had happened earlier. I honestly don’t think he did. He didn’t understand how crazy he got. I kept asking do you understand? Do you remember?
He just left me for no reason after I said all this. I think he thought I was going to leave him. We didn’t talk for awhile. I know I shouldn’t have but I kept angrily texting him and calling him probably making things worse but he hurt me, he betrayed my trust.
Well its Friday right now and last Sat he had wanted to see me so happily agreed and went over. Things were fine for about four days. I didn’t see him one night (Tuesday) after he had got off from work and the next morning it was back to hell. He started accusing me of dressing like a sl*t when we weren’t seeing each other accusing me of partying (5 times out of the month we weren’t seeing each other I went to lunch with my 3 girl friends). He left me again. I’m so hurt right now. I just don’t understand what happened. Why is he capable of just not loving me anymore? I’ve done so much for this guy that I feel no 19 year old girl should have to go through for a guy. I’ve been so patient. I’ve given him everything and received nothing in return except literally a spit to the face. I feel as if God is punishing me for past mistakes in my life. When I was 15 I had gotten an abortion (I know I really sound like white trash but it was a mistake that I will forever live with and it haunts me everyday and night). I feel as if being with a guy like this is my punishment for what I did. I was so scared though. Being so young I didn’t want to be pregnant. I went to a very catholic all girls high school. I don’t even know why I want to be with him still I know I shouldn’t but I feel as if I need him in my life because when things are good there great. The companionship I guess. He’s been my best friend for so long. I just don’t know what happened to him. What made him hate me so much. What on earth did I do? I gave him everything, I tried so hard to learn and understand his illness. Bailed him out of his debts, paid for his bills. He didn’t appreciate anything. He never did anything like this for me. And when he bought me a Valentines present (flowers) he used this against me. I’m so confused. I feel as if he has no heart or feelings.
Okay I’m really sorry I’m posting so much but I’m going to list some of his bipolar actions and what not.
Unfinished goals. For example getting his GED. He never fully completed his senior year of high school due to his manic phase. Says he’s going to go back on meds. Quit weed for good. Get a car and get a second job to earn more income for himself. Says he wants to improve his life and start spoiling me etcc.
He leaves me about once a month and makes it as if it’s my fault? I do nothing to make him leave. He makes it as if I’m the one who left him. He left me because I admit I complained when I should. It was always along the lines of Why do you treat me the way you do? Why can’t you pay for dinner for once? Those two things. Never has he paid for a dinner in our two years of being together. He used to treat me to movies in the beggining but stopped. He thinks because he bout me flowers for Valentines day he’s some kind of prince charming. I showed him that I appreciated it. I know that material things shouldn’t be an issue but it’s hard when every other day your paying for your boyfriends things like bailing him out of debt when he was about to get sued by the credit card company, helping him out with rent, paying his $130 phone bills every month (it’s under my name I have to pay it so the jerk doesn’t mess up my credit), buying his food, his clothes, and his weed. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on him. He has a job. A good job too.
He bought a puppy. I told him this was a bad idea since he can barely afford to feed himself. That I was going to have to end up paying for all it’s needs. He got his dog. He didn’t even want to buy the dog a bed! He said I’m just going to let it sleep where it wants it’s just an animal. I said it’s a puppy. You need to at least get it a bed. He said no to stop telling him how to raise his dog and I said fine. Don’t ask me for help when the dog gets sick it’s your dog. Well this puppy came with many problems. Got into a fight. Now he’s a couple hundred dollars in debt.
A few months ago we got into a fight. I had previously gone to ER a month before. He said I was doing this for the attention. Anyways, we had gotten into a fight a bad one. He said he was beating himself up. Taking a bunch of pills. Bleeding everywhere. Was dissapointed in me that I was there to help him. He said he was also on the phone with his mom that she was the one who sent the ambulance over. He told me he was being taken away in the ambulance and had to go. I was confused. I would think that if this really was happening the texts would be farther apart and that I would never even have known from him if he was in this bad condition. So I went over to his house. The door was unlocked so I opened the door and there he was in perfect condition smoking weed with his roomate with his cell phone in hand. I looked at him hurt and confused and I screamed you told me you were going to hospital. Pretty sure I embarassed him bad in front of his roomate. He pushed me out of the house screamed at me to get the fuck out and locked it. I called his mom she never spoke with police or him.
Morning of my birthday. Woke up. I was very happy. I thought it was going to be a good day. His bathroom is far and all of his roommates and friends were awake. I asked him to come walk me to the bathroom. He flipped because I was making him wake up. He flipped out really bad. Started pushing me and such. I started crying. I got a panic attack. Couldn’t breathe and such, I was so hurt and shocked that such a simple question turned into something so big. He pinned me down on the ground started screaming. Told me to get the fuck out of the house. Dragged me out. Spit on me as I was walking out. On my birthday.. Happy Birthday to me right?
I’ve had about three panic attacks since then. Each time with him pinning me down or pushing me down screaming at me to stop. Spitting on me. One time he pushed me so hard I couldn’t see straight out of my left eye for the whole day. I ran out of the house. Called a battered womens shelter and they begged me to call the police. But I didn’t I was scared. I went home as if nothing had happened.
He used to ask me why are you with me? I’m such a bad person. I would always say because the good always out weighs the bad. It’s definitely not the case anymore. Or it just never was and I was too blinded to see it. I do partially think he’s jealous of me. Not to sound cocky but I am well off and in a University. I have a lot going for me and I’m not the ugliest person in the world. I’m so incredibly weak though. Never caught him cheating or anything of that sort. Oh and I should add his bipolar works off depression but he seems more angry then sad…
Why are bipolars so heartless? I feel as if he doesn’t love me he just wants me around because I’m the only person that stuck around. I’m trying to focus on myself. Knowing me I’ll end up going back to him when he asks. He quit meds when we started dating. He was on 300mg Seroquel and some common anti depressant I forgot.
People enter this forum like the walking wounded off of a battle field. To anyone who reads these post please forget how pretty or handsome a person may be. Forget they can be nice once in a while when the mood strikes or when they are in need. And promise yourself not to stay in a bad or hurtful relationship. Do it for yourself your friends and your family’s. Lifes too short to be wasted on people who really just do not care about us.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. The walking wounded that just lost a battle. Things have been hard. I’m thankful I came across this site though. It makes me feel better to know I’m not crazy and the only one who has gone through this stress.
Also look up is my girl bipolar? Or just a bitch? Lmfao. Dude the people here have all been through the bipolar bear nightmare and some still are going through it. Try to let most of there bull shit go in one ear and out the other. You found a safe haven here.
I walked into the mine field just to end it. Sometimes its the best thing to do. Screw them they suck! 🙂
2345,
You have to remember to, these folks have an illness, a mental illness. Not the subject anyone ones to talk about very often and its not meant to create ANY excuses. Now, having said that, they can try and get help, counseling, meds, etc. or not. It’s a CHOICE. Just like our choice to stay in a relationship with them. Many people including me take a long time to realize they are in a bad relationship. Friends see it clear as day, family see it clear as day, but we stay, cling, searching for answers, attention, feelings of worth from people who we should not be involved with. Hence, our stories.
I’m past my BP nightmares. Thank god. There is a better life out there. You have to find the time to heal, to learn, to grow, to be happy again. You gotta be ready to make that CHOICE and to follow it thru.
I know. I remind myself that all of the time.
“He’s sick, he’s sick, he’s sick. He’s not thinking clearly or rationally.” It’s hard. I’m trying to just keep to myself. Occupy myself with things. Trying to just not go crazy. When he texts me all he has to say is “F*ck you”,”Who are you f*cking?”,”I hate you”. He says all of this as if I’m the one who left. I’m so confused. Things were fine before. We got back together and for about a week things were perfect. We had plans for the weekend.
He then goes to work and accuses me of cheating telling me I haven’t changed? I’ve been patient, not once tried to pick a fight, took care of him when he needed it. Things were so good. He left me for no reason! I told him the difference between he and I is that I can admit I’m crazy sometimes and my wrongs. He still doesn’t understand that he left me.
Ugh, you’re all right though. I need to learn and grow. I’m still young. College, a life, and a career ahead of me.
Hopefully I’ll remind myself this and think about everyone’s stories when he comes back (that is if he does). I hate how I feel as if I need him in my life to be happy.
2345,
That’s exactly it. You DON’T need him in your life to be happy. You don’t need a world that is upside down. If I could gaurantee you a happier future would you take it? Hell yes! What’s the holdup? DOUBT. Beleive me, I understand, my crazy ride was longer than 20 years befoe I even knew what was going on. They’re going to make you so crazy and so sick, you’re going to be so beat down, you’re thinking this is the best I can do. They create the history with them which makes it harder each day to leave or break it off.
Take a week to start focusing on yourself. Cut off the communication, let yourself recharge, they know when they have you down. Let them deal whatever the world is throwing at them this week. I’m sure you’re ten times the person he has you feeling like now. You’re already doing some self relecting and that too can be its own little slap in the face. seek out some counseling if you are able to. They’re are plenty of support groups at MH facilities that understand its not just the patients going thru issues but family and friends as well.
I do go to counseling actually. Once a week, for the last 7 years of my life. Haha, I sound like such a problem child, but my depression has always been a bit unstable but I have it under control (pretty well) for the most part. Thankfully, I have a new therapist. She’s wonderful actually. She gives me advice, not like my old one who just sat there asking questions.
I’m kind of dying inside right now. It’s like one moment I’m okay, I have a positive outlook on things, and then the next I’m missing him, thinking of all the good times we’ve shared. I’m just so hurt as to how he’s capable of forgetting me and just leaving me with no valid reason. I do think it’s all because he’s not medicated and his bipolar is getting worse. “He’s sick, he’s sick, he’s sick”. I just need to keep reminding myself this. Thank you Mark for your words of encouragement and advice.
HI all, am still here, still reading all i can, still trying to make sense of everything, omg i never stop til i find everything, i particularly like richard skerrit, i still havent bought his books yet, keep meaning to but have read a lot of other stuff, its like 85 dollars for the 4 books so am saving lol cos its about 60 quid, but i will get them, like he says all disorders are blurred into one and its the defense mechanisms people use that identifies them, interesting, i’d love to speak to him as i have a few theories of my own. please read……………………………….. will write more when get the books – hope everyone ok, and ok with yet more Richard Skerrit – sorry hehehhehe
Living with a Sociopath? You’re not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths’ minds don’t work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.
So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.
One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.
You’re not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing (up top) deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness (on the right) explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.
They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can’t deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO’s (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don’t care.
What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don’t see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.
A sociopath doesn’t exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn’t just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.
Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.
Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don’t ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.
Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don’t perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.
Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we’re in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it’s understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.
Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.
After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner’s actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use – so painfully common among them – compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph.
About the Author Go to “Add to Cart”
Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance “from the inside out” have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.
if this is getting slow for anyone move to part 3 xxx
hi ya ..its the aussie speaking
well I have moved on from the Bp ..finally , have met a few new men actually
nothing serious , but enough to show me that the Bp relationship I had with my Bp ex bf
has caused a lot of issues for me with trust mainly .
even though I have recovered and would not ever want to go back to that torture of being unloved and unwanted ..its not entirely easy to have new dates either …
everyone is damaged in some way … have met a lovely man who is in love with a Bp ex and he cant move on from her …we have discussed in detail how much hell he has been through , but he is still busting his gut to get her back …its a very strange insight looking now from the outside in ..at another person struggling to let go of their addiction to a Bp .
good luck raan and Lost and mark cheers michelle
bittersweet
Nothing good to comment here. She came back for two months, was very un-into me…caught her sending pussy pics again…used me, abused me. It was WONDERFUL taking care of my kids all Summer but once again…she took off with no notice. THIS time I have NO idea where she is other than in the city in North Carolina where she was before. I have been ignored by her whole Family and they are keeping my kids from me. I’m DONE with unmedicated in-denial Bipolar bears.
Court is my only option I have now. Working on getting my finances in order again as she She broke me (or I let her?) and want total custody of my kids now and hope I get them.
I miss my children terrible and have no way of getting a hold of them now..it’s been 30 days since she left this time.
Hi Aussie,
I’m so glad to here you are doing a lot better. I’m the first one you aknowledged on BPfamily awhile back, and have ever since been appreciative! I’m still struggling, but I’m also on my way to recovery. My BPDw was a gift because it forced me to take a look at myself, and find that I had and maybe still have my own disorders. It has forced me to come to terms about myself. These disorders are devastating to say the least. I just want to be a good person, and the relationship I had made me act out in ways I never wanted to.
Again, I’m sincerely happy for you, and I hope you live out the rest ofr your life in complete happiness.
God bless,
Bob
ROBERT ..you are a good person , never let them tell you any different ..Bp causes you to act out ..Bp ‘s have an uncanny knack of turning their problems into your problems .
I was fooled for 10 years , but like raan will discover the further away you get from it , the better you become ..more confident , better at being yourself : )
I know how hard it is to let go of them …you keep thinking about the lovely side of them that would have been had they not been sick …but a counterfeit heart is by no means a relationship you can trust with any measure. I am happy for me too , I can breathe , I am free from torment , and I like it .
eddywebb raan ..am sorry for you its going to take a while and much more of your devine patience to move on from her . she has left you a beautiful daughter that hopefully will give you the love she stole from you . There will be a women who will love you raan , she is out there waiting for you , just let her come into your world and with time you will know true love again ..
god bless everyone who has suffered the pain
always aussie bittersweet/babe
Thanks for the kind words Aussie. My cluster B wife is trying to hook me back in after I told her NO many times. I now have the strengnth to keep saying NO. This is all because of great people like yourself. I will always be greatful, and think of all of you until I die, then we may one day meet up there in the great sky. Like I said before it’s great that you and others broke the BP strangle hold, and I’ll keep praying for those that can’t break the hold.
Godspeed,
Bob
Alls quiet, can only guess you are all doing ok – Bitter am so glad you are doing so well, its just proof that we can all move on – wishing also doing well i see, me, i am also fine at this moment in time, started going out and having fun again at long last!!!! lost and found i know your doing ok, and you survived the storm that we are getting the back lash from so god only knows what it was like over there!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeeezzzzz ——- stay in touch all xxxxxxx
Hello,
I just wanted to update. It’s been an on again off again summer. I’m thinking that it’s finally done with. I realized he just didn’t care about anyone but himself and a recent event proved this to me. I knew it before, but it finally. I don’t know, clicked I guess. It clicked in such a way where I’ve finally come to accept the fact that I spent two years of my life with someone so emotionally selfish and there’s nothing that I can do, and nothing I can say to make him care. I’m not numb or anything like that but I guess I’m in a “limbo” (as my therapist likes to call it) right now.
Seeing all my friends having fun and partying…it’s hard, I’m not much of a partier anymore (the (ex) bf hated it). I’m focusing on my studies at the moment. Which isn’t going so well because I should be studying right now haha. I hope everyone else is faring well!
Bipolars are NOT worth it from my vast negative in the end experience. TAKERS, users, liars, cheaters. thieves, and will emotionally bankrupt you.
And to think I was in LOVE with this “C” word!!! The grief she has given me in unfathomable.
BTW, STILL have NO idea where she is OR where my KIDS are….6 weeks now
DAN2345…
They only care about themselves….totally and completely selfish they are.
If they act like they care, they WANT something.
Well done, Ryan…..you will get there, hard as it seems you will sort it…dont go down that road again, it really isnt worth it??
DAN2345…
They only care about themselves….totally and completely selfish they are.
If they act like they care, they WANT something.
—————————————————————————————————–
This is SO absolutely true it makes me SICK to my stomach. I know. I’ve been dealing with completely the same for quite some time. The funny thing is, they seem so sincere when trying to get something out of you and then the carpet gets yanked from under your feet. It is NOT worth it. I am an empty shell of a once loving caring confident man. It wears you out and drains you. Run.
Hello, I just wanted to let everyone know that it’s done with. I’m pretty good actually. I’m so young to be stressing over something like this. I’m doing great in school and I just got a great job!! Which really boosted my confidence level. Now I just need to put myself back in the party scene hahaha. I’m hoping I don’t go back to him. I’m scared he’s going to come back to me and want me back and I honestly don’t have the will to say no to him.. I hope everything with everyone else is good. Best wishes.
Good news well done……
He probably will come back, they usually do, several times……just keep your minds focused on the new life you are starting, your strength will grow everyday as you progress, it will be worth it!! 🙂
Good to see you wishing – totally agree they do come back time after time but stay focused like wishing said, look after yourself and all will be well xx
My story…met an amazing girl 3 years ago. Soon into our relationship she told me she was BP – I thought that was on the scale of a bad cold! Until her first psychotic breaks in front of me – wow…trouble was she wasn’t on the right meds or seeing a psych.
So she split up with me out of the blue….then she came back! I got her in to see a good psych, doctor and onto the right meds….everything was going good for a year then she split up with me again! Jesus! No contact – nothing. A couple of months later she was back again – mainly because I stayed in touch with her. But of course during our split she started having sex with someone else straight away – thanks very much.
We got back together – me helping her along that rollercoaster and me now on depressive meds myself! During out splits I took it hard – couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat – my work suffered – my family worried and wondered what spell this girl had over me!
Why couldn’t I leave her?? Where was my strength?? And now…she’s left me again…no contact for 2 weeks – NOTHING. She wont answer my calls. And wouldn’t you know it – just at the time when an old ‘friend’ of hers is in town – yes – a male friend. And this is her ON MEDS and seeing a psych weekly!!
Please someone give me the strength to NOT CONTACT HER AND LET HER GO FOR GOOD THIS TIME xxx
Thanks for listening, Matt
Matt, read my story…all of the stories on here…THIS IS WHAT THEY DO!!!! My last Ex took off months ago with my kids this last time. It’s been months and I STILL have not heard one word. Give up man. It’s not worth it. Find someone else or it’s a lifetime of HELL.
WHERE is everyone on here? Anyone reading this blog any more???
Yes, still reading but have left it all behind, best thing I ever did……Matt let her go, you cant help, I tried that it will never work!!
Raan, find the kids if you can, make sure they are safe but never return to her…..let go and find someone who deserves your love!!
Talked to a diagnostician of mental illness the other day. He claims that BP’s DO know what they are doing when they misbehave/go manic after they come down and have regrets about what they did. This might be why they sometimes do no return after leaving. TOO much regret about their piss-poor behavior and are too riddled with guilt.
I still have not heard a peep from my Ex….sorry bee-otch, kidnapping my kids and keeping them from me. Sickens me.
STILL not a peep from the BP unmedicated sick woman. Tried everything. I think she intends to keep me from my children as long as she can. I AM going to win this somehow. Lots in the works legally as far as building my case goes. Could REALLY use some money for a lawyer. Pro se I guess will have to do I guess. How is everyone I used to talk with on here lately? HAPPY HOLIDAYS and run if in a relationship with a sick BP that lives in denial and refuses to take their meds.
Like everyone else here, your stories are my stories. I have a boyfriend who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and we have been together a year.
As all of you, our relationship started out wonderfully. He was very attentive, loving, thoughtful. He did things around my house (laundry, cleaning, etc.) saying how I worked all day and he wanted to make coming home pleasant. He had a key and could let himself in. He paid attention all that I said about my favorite things and he would surprise me with those things as gifts. Showered me with affection, “I Love you’s”, hugs, kisses, and the sex was OFF THE CHARTS! I noticed on occasion that he had some anger issues. I was truly surprised at the things he got twisted up about. But I overlooked them. I have the capacity to understand that many things are not about me, and taking them as a personal affront only shows me that I am operating from my own inner insecurities. After awhile, though, his episodes were escalating. One time, I asked him to hang a clock for me. He was on his laptop and said he would to just give him a few minutes to finish up. An hour and a half later, I very sweetly asked if he was still gonna do that for me. OMG! You would have thought I asked him to build me a new house! He slammed his laptop shut, stood up aggressively and shouted, “My f*king GOD! You always want everything right now! Never mind I’M doing something, I should just drop everything I’m doing to please you!” Wow. I proceeded to say it was alright that he could do it another time but ignored me and started to do it. I think I said it 3 times. Then I followed it up with, “ok then. I will shut up. You’re going to do whatever you want anyhow.” That was the first time that he physically attacked me. I ended things right then and got him out of my home. Long story short, I took him back after his (seemingly) heartfelt apology and his tears on the phone. Why? He hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I knew the symptoms/criteria of bi-polar and knew he had had an episode. I understand that it is an “illness”; not just bad behavior.
Anyhow, this kept escalating with moments in between his episodes that were wonderful, beautiful. I love him so, so much. I have never doubted that he loves me as well. I finally convinced him to see a therapist and to ask to be referred to a psych doctor for an evaluation. It was over month before he finally did – I had to do the research for him; make it easier for him. I threatened to end things if he didn’t get some help. he did. They put him on Abilify and Celexa. I never questioned him about his official diagnosis, but I knew he was being treated for psychotic features. (I used to work as a counselor). Before he started his meds, our sex life had already become almost non-existent. I can’t fully explain how “odd” this was. You would have to know him, I suppose. The meds made it worse. He finally gets off the Celexa – all he did was sleep and it was affecting his job, etc. Eventually, I knew his lack of “desire” wasn’t about the meds anymore – he had no problems masturbating and watch porn four HOURS. Obviously, this was a topic he was unwilling to discuss – couldn’t discuss – without flipping out and making it appear as though I was being unreasonable, that I was making him feel bad .. blah, blah, blah.
I had hacked into his emails account(s) awhile back and discovered that he was being unfaithful – not just with women, but also men. Let me say here that I am not judgmental of most things – his sexual preferences didn’t bother me except he was doing this behind my back, and at no time did I know of this “secret” life he had. I had tangible PROOF of his activities and he denied it all saying that he was just flirting on line. Huh? What? The emails were EXPLICIT about his actions! Of course, it never got addressed because his focus was on how he couldn’t trust ME after hacking into his email. I’m not minimizing my part by any means. I know what an invasion of privacy it was and that there are laws against it for that matter. My intuition is keener than most (gift/curse) and I did what I felt I had to do to find out if it was real, or if I was imagining things. . Afterall, by this time, I did feel crazy due to the constant drama.
I knew that this was a very toxic/sick relationship and that I needed to get out and take care of ME. I have always done so without hesitation. Anyone who knows me would tell you that there would be no way in hell that I would stick around and tolerate any of this! I’ve always been a strong, assertive woman and didn’t feel as though I “needed” to be in a relationship. However, my own co-dependency issues had reared their ugly heads, and before I knew it, I was finding myself care-taking.
We had about 5 weeks of awesomeness here recently. I found out that he was answering Craig’s List ads that women posted looking for relationships (he actually responded to one of my friends and included his picture),. I confronted him. Once again, he has done nothing wrong but instead, I am now having my friends spy on him. His episodes have returned full-force.
So, there’s some history. I feel depleted emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and any other word ending in “ly”. I cannot get him to stop yelling, screaming, swearing at me, and calling me FILTHY names (psycho b*itch, c*nt, worthless POS, you get the idea) basically spewing a deadly poisonous venom all over me! Ladies and gentlemen, I am in complete dismay of how someone who can treat another human being that way and feel NO REMORSE! He can’t take responsibility for his actions. How can he tell me “I don’t want to live without you” in the morning and 3 hours later tell me I’m the worst thing that has ever happened to him? I I have tried to not “react” and wait til the storm was over to try to discuss things .. only to have him twist off again. Like I read in another post, his says my timing is always bad .. there is NEVER a good time. He takes everything personally. He guilt trips me (or tries to) and tells me that I make him feel badly; shamed. He plays games by not looking at me and basically ignores me when I try to talk with him. He withholds affection. His yelling is so off the charts at times I am amazed that he hasn’t popped a blood vessel in his neck or temple! His answer to everything is to leave – storm out yelling mean and ugly things for all the world to hear, and say we are over. Only, on his way home, he calls my phone over and over again and leaves sh*tty messages on my vm. I’ve saved some. I’ve even tried to get him to listen to them but he ends up spewing more ugliness and leaves. Had an episode like that this morning about me asking if he wanted breakfast and when he asked if I was going to eat (I said I wasn’t hungry) he freaks out! As usual, I’m trying desperately to talk him off the ledge. Trying to help him see the logic and not to get so angry because I didn’t want to eat .. “Quit telling me how I should or should not feel!” “It’s ALWAYS about YOUR feelings! Mine are never addressed!” We all know that we do nothing else but address their feelings.
I know I have rambled on here. I am using this as an opportunity for me to do my own processing so that I can let go of the anger and resentment that I am carrying around today.
Why do I stay? I love him with every fiber of my being. I have no doubt that we have a soul connection. He is worth fighting for. WE are worth fighting for. I believe in him. I know who he is at the core. When he isn’t cycling, I couldn’t ask for a better mate. I KNOW what’s going on with him. My heart aches for him knowing how incredibly tormented he must be in his mind and not be able to make sense of things. I don’t want to give up before the miracle.
Being in a relationship with a bi-polar is heartbreaking at times, taxing, toxic, exhausting, humiliating, even dangerous. You are their babysitter/mother/father. It’s not for the faint of heart, to be sure.
So, I know that we have all had these experiences, but I have a questions that I need answered.
HOW DO WE COPE WITHOUT LOSING OURSELVES?
HOW DO WE SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND HONOR THEM?
THE INFIDELITY IS THE HARDEST FOR ME .. AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THIS AND JUST DEAL WITH IT?
I am rooted in the belief that we are either in the solution, or we are part of the problem. I need solutions, suggestions.
I am so very appreciative for all of you who have shared your experiences – I’m grateful that I was able to, as well. Most importantly, I sincerely appreciate the stories posted by those of you having to suffer this hideous illness. What do we do?
Thank you for taking the time to read my rant.
@LeeAnn: Let go if you can find the strength in you. Don’t force yourself to though. Read my post above, my story is similar to yours and having been back in touch with my ex confirms my suspicions that his issues have only grown in the 6 mths I cut contact with him. I came back cuz we are soul mates and i’ll treat him like a friend but no more. It doesn’t get any better and soon you’ll only feel more isolated. I found some lovely well-wishers on this website who understood my problems in letting go and i let go by finding the right time for me…the straw that broke my back. you’ll find it for u….but no good can come from this. they say it, and its true. i have all the strength in the world now, and having stepped back like many others here, i feel like i can breathe. sure i have moments when i reflect back and feel lonely but i’d never compromise on what i want in life. we all deserve goodness, no one is anyone’s saviour. it’s a hard life and if u don’t look out for yourself above anyone else, no one will. the balance tips to shit when one is bp and the other is a good soul who just wants things to be right. never have i wanted anything more than i wanted for us to work but we didnt. it was what it was and having lost the one thing i wanted really badly, i feel a lot stronger and ready to face life on. to wait for the right person, to wait for my life to become as it once was which it very gradually is becoming. till then, i’m standing as still as i can so that i dont lose myself before i find myself. id suggest the same for u…..find your time and take a step back for good. all the best.
I could not agree more. LET GO…move it. It is NOT worth the heartache. Find someone that is not mentally ill. This is a serious mental illness with NO cure. Good luck.
HOW DO WE COPE WITHOUT LOSING OURSELVES?
HOW DO WE SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND HONOR THEM?
THE INFIDELITY IS THE HARDEST FOR ME .. AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPECT THIS
Lee Ann……you will lose yourself!
There are no boundaries followed, you can lay them down but they wont be followed!
And the infidelity….. Yes, you will be expected to expect this, I couldnt so I left!
So do you go or do you stay……you will stay for a while but you will eventually go…..
Go now and save yourself the pain……..
AMEN to that.
Hello,
To avoid a very long first post, I’ll just say that my lovely ex fiance went manic in April and left me. I was then left unemployed, and I no longer have my 401k from my previous job ( she convinced me to give her 1,900 of it for the car maintenance since it was how I got to work and I had to spend 4 months living on the rest of it). Almost immediately after she broke up with me, she was hypersexual and hooking up with various men, yet still texting me and thinking we broke up 2 years ago. We didn’t spend much time out of contact from April til August, even if a lot of that contact was negative. Since early August (going on 3 months on the 11th of this month) I have gotten maybe 3 sentences from her. I try almost every day to talk to her, but I get no response at all. No phone calls returned, no emails returned, no texts, no facebook messages. She’s not being negative,but acting as if she’s erased me from her mind. She is still manic as far as I know. A seven month mania seems like it would be abnormally severe,but I have no way of getting her to get help. I try to move on and forget her,but my mind isn’t letting me do that, especially since I know that she’s definitely sick.
In the meantime, I still haven’t been able to find work- 20 rejections last month alone .The only money I get is from donating plasma, yet she was able to find a great job with great pay a few months ago and is living a “good life” as if leaving me was like removing a tumor. This is from the woman that I supported with only my income for at least 4 years becaus she couldn’t hold a job and was in debt with banks. My bills are already overdue and I can’t pay them. I tried the best I could,and I still can’t get her out of my mind because I remember who she was when she wasn’t manic- 6 wonderful years. I spend most of my days and nights awake because I can’t stop worrying . I can’t even afford to go to my therapist anymore (who’s free of charge) because I can’t afford the bus ticket since every penny I have is for my overdue bills . Even losing my bank account. Still, not even a single shred or ounce of sympathy from her. Nothing at all,unless it’s cold and robotic as if we were business associates. Can this really be the girl whom ,last Christmas told me that i’m the best boyfriend a girl could ever have, and that I can be counted on for comfort when things get too much?
Well, I tried not making it long, thank you for reading.
Hi
There’s a lot of information here and I have found it fascinating to read some of the posts on this board. A little of my story…
I’ve been working overseas for the past 18 months and about a year ago met a wonderful woman. We connected, became close very quickly and fell in love. My partner has talked of depressive episodes in the past and I am starting to wonder if she may be a bipolar sufferer given some of what i have read here and witnessed over the past weeks. I am also conscious that I may be looking for answers, rather than purely accepting that our relationship is over, as we have recently broken up.This has been mainly of her doing, although I had also reached a point where I was being sucked in by all her irrational and erratic behaviour and its been taking its toll on my emotional stability too
She has a pretty full on job, and when its busy, she throws herself into it like theres no tomorrow, sitting in the office alone, long after everyone else has gone home. She also often stays up very late, either going out partying or just hanging out in her apartment rearranging teh furniture all night. When she’s like this she is full of vitality, energy and can be teh life and the soul….she can also come across as manic and hyperactive and I have often remarked that it appears from the outside like she is out of control, or at least very chaotic.
Our relationship has been quite volatile, and she has a temper and very often things appear to her to be all my fault and I’m often left angry and lose my temper through a sense of injustice, which is just like pouring petrol on the fire. At teh weekends she often just crashes and ends up either in bed or on the couch in her PJs in front of teh TV for the whole weekend, eating sweets and cakes etc. In the last couple of months she’s been very irrational and been working and travelling with her job lots….she sometimes goes away for a day and ends up being gone for 3, without really explaining to me whats going on, where she is or contacting me whilst out of town. Its left me paranoid that shes seeing someone else but when I confront her in person, she denies that vigorously. But I’ve been left feeling taken for granted and my tust in her has diminished significantly.But for me its been a total rollercoaster, not knowing if I’ll hear from her or not from one day or the next and if I do, will she start talking about marriage and family or dismissing me as if I don’t exist. It really has been as black and white as that, marriage and kids one day, then being totally ignored, sometimes for days, the next.
I had to go back to my country a week or so ago (a 12 hour flight away) and spoke to her before I left after another of her disappearing acts which was accompanied by the exchange of a number of “its over” text messages from us both. Everything appeared to have caught up with her and she had become very sick and was speaking to me as if everything was fine between us when I was at the airport – I heard all the I love yous, I miss you, I’ll wait for you etc.. After I’d left, a couple of days later, she sent me a message suggesting she come and visit for the weekend! I told her I thought it was a bad idea as a) she’d just been really sick and needed to rest and b) I would be working and have little time for her. Then after that, which at the time I thought was totally irrationaof herl, she proceeded to completely ignore my attempts to contact her for more than a week. Then just as I was about to return, I received a message to say she was severely depressed, couldn’t date anyone, had to heal her emotional sickness and asked me not to contact her anymore…..
Having read some of the posts above, it left me wondering if I am just searching for hope and answers instead of just accepting the end of my relationship, or whether in fact she may be suffering from bipolar, and that might explain all the bizarre erratic and irrational behaviour of recent weeks. I have certainly not seen her like this in teh past year, so maybe the depression story was her way of emphatically killing off the relationship once and for all to enable her to move onto a new relationship, and I should just accept it, or whether if it is a severe depressive episode and I should wait a bit longer to see if she makes contact gain in the coming days or weeks
Obviously no one on here will no whats really going on. However having read some of the above posts, I just wondered if this sounded liek a familiar pattern to those familiar with bipolar and I should hang on in there and be ready to offer love and support if and when it is requested. I’d be happy to do that, but at the same time I don’t want to delude myself about the state of our relationship and find myself unnecessarily trapped with a sense of false hope and expectation
Any constructive thoughts or observations, gratefully received
Thought I’d just provide an update to my earlier post a week or so ago….
So I returned to where I live and my “ex-girlfriend” texts me to say she is terribly depressed and needs time away from dating to heal herself and doesn’t want to hear from me….
So I intended to respect her wishes and we only made contact in order to sort out some logistics….return each others posessions etc, me cancel flights for the Xmas holidays I was supposed to spend away with her and her family
Her responses started to become increasingly bizarre, as if she had reinvented herself. Whilst she told me what a wonderful person I was, she started telling me how, a week after being practically suicidal, she was another person, had stopped drinking, smoking and had found God, who was now leading her to the light – she had never shown any religious or spiritual inclinations before.
Then on Wednesday night I was on Facebook and was informed that “XXXX was in a relationship with YYYY”! I rather regret my furious reaction but I think it was also understandable given how she had invoked such a compassionate reaction in me, whilst she was really betraying me all along. I let rip with my anger in a series of text messages and her responses were narcisstic and in my eyes she seemed to have this distorted perception of our relationship as if it was some sort of “Sid and Nancy” coupling, which I really don’t recognise. She said she was sick of a life of lies and games and just wanted a simple honest life – exactly like me! She asked me to leave her alone and let her be happy….
It seems like she has reinvented herself. Started to hang out with completely new people, with new interests that don’t quite seem to tie in with the person I thought she was. She also continues to play the victim, saying how she got to the point recently where she was nearly suicidal…although now seems to have been rescued by God (and her new partner no doubt!). She had the audacity to even ask where I had been when she was having a difficult time…quite a hard one to stomach when I was usually trying to figure out the same about her after one of her disappearing acts!
I returned all her stuff at teh beginning of last week and she still hasn’t even returned mine….despite giving an assurance she would do so on Thursday. I also communicated with her mother, who told me she was definitely NOT dating someone else – so someone somewhere is lying and I suspect its my ex.
This has been pretty traumatic. I have got overly drawn into the chaos and dysfunction, and whilst she appears to have run into the arms of someone else, its me left running to a shrink and getting medication for the stress and anxiety!! But in the moments of clarity, I realise I have probably had a lucky escape and the advice on here to RUN was probably spot on. I have to look after myself first and foremost and not take this personally. I conclude that I have been dealing with somebody who is sick – whether that is psychologically sick, or just nasty sick I do not know
As I read and learn about bi-polar my experience sounds similar to that of others in similar situations. If she is ill, I feel sorry and compassion and wish her well. However I am telling myself to put myself first and will not be there if she makes contact again in the future. I don’t deserve or have the capacity to put up with this kind of behaviour. I left a gift and a letter with her peosessions, prior to learning of her new BF – she said that she hadn’t even read it and would return it unread – if that is not a sign of someone trying to run away from themselves, then I don’t know what is.
For those bi-polar sufferers out there, forgive my anger. I have huge compassion for those who are mentally ill or unbalanced. But I also have a life to lead and a sense of self I need to protect. I have been on the end of some nasty break ups in the past but nothing so manipulative and horrible as this….
I think this blog / discussion moved here so have just re-submitted my posts describing my experiences of the past few weeks over to here….
I have been trying to get rid of this Bp man since the day after he entered my life. My situation is unfortunate because I met him literally days after calling off a one year and 8 month engagment with already set in stone plans for a wedding, deposits down and so on. Needless to say I was not looking for anything serious, but then this handsome Bp man walks into my life and a one night stand turned into a 2-year on and off situation. Mostly because the sex between us was mind-blowing and i knew i didnt want anything serious. Especially not with this man. I didn’t care about his coming and going because he drove me absolutely crazy. I knew he was unstable by the stories he would ome up with and would try to make me beleive. Im talking about situations that never even happened!! Somehow the great sex and all of his convincing that he loved me (when he was having a good day) allowed me to let him back into my life time and again.Too get to the point after finally deciding to force this Bp, emotionally abusive person out of my life… I found out I was pregnant. I told him it was best he stay out of my life for the simple reason I knew I could not keep my sanity when he was around and knew my child deserved better. Yet still he was persistent about staying around for 8 months of my pregnancy while I repeatedly told him there was no way we could raise a child together. Finally after all of his convincing and empty promises he made about wanting to be involved in our sons life… he dissapeared without a trace. Lost his job and cut the few ties he had with some of our mutual friends. And all of this four weeks before my due date. I am glad he is gone and has somehow managed to drop off the face of the earth, but now I’m stuck holding the bag wondering what to do if and when he contacts me again and wants to meet his son. The way he operates I’m sure there is at least a 60-80% chance this might happen. Help!!!! Any opinions on what would be best for my child? To meet his Bp father who might not ever bring any full meaning to his life due to his sickness. Or to ignore him and save myself and my child from his awful demented sick mind. I am convinced this guy cares about nobody but himself. What to do?
http://www.narcissismcured.com/blog/because-i-love-you/
just reading kim coopers stuff makes me feel better – always well worth a read x
I am a bipolar woman. I have been dealing with this my whole life. I have been sexually assulted, and also my father was bipolar. I have pushed most of my friends away and am slowly pushing my husband away. I have been on meds in the past but they just make me very flatline, no ups or downs. I was not likeing that. I also have no sexual desire on the meds. I have tried things that dr. Daniel amen has said and it doesnt seem those are helping me either. I do not have insurance and was seeing a life coach. She did help me but i cannot afford to see her. I am an at home mom who makes my husbands schedule from home, and now both ofq my kids are in school all day. I am sick of being this way.
The only person who understood me in my life was my father and he passed away 6 years ago. I feel so lost. Everytime i try to talk to my husband about things he is too busy with his stupid iphone and doesnt pay a lick of attention to me. My best friend lives 2 1/2 hrs away and i dont get to see her as often as i would like. I hate calling her just to be sad on the other end i dont want to bring her down. I wish i could crawl in a hole and die, and know that my kids would be ok without me. I really think they would be better off without me. My husband is a great man, i know he could find a nice and loving woman who didnt treat him the way i do. I dont know what to do. The only thing that stops me from taking my own life is i would never do that to my children. I dont want them growning up telling people my mom was so selfish she took her own life. I wonder every day why god put me here. The only thing i can think of is to be a mom. I love my little girls and my husband, but i dont feel i am good for any of them. My oldest daughter is also going to be bipolar, and it breaks my heart she is going to feel these ways too. I am so sad, my husband sent me a link to read something about why bipolar peole push away their loved ones. The only thing that has done is make me even more sad. I hate to cry! But thats all i can feel i can do right now. I am sick of this. Please help!
April? Are you still there? I’d like to be able to help if you are.
I don’t know if anyone comes here anymore, but i hope someone does.
I’ve known my boyfriend for 2yrs, but we only really got together the beginning of this year…we are also long distance.I’ve known from the start he was bipolar. Even before we started dating, he would confide me, come to me when he was depressed, tell me about his day, or just vent to me when something went wrong. He would have his highs and lows, but always got through it.
It has been fairly good for the most part..up until 3 weeks ago. Prior, he had seemed happy, we were talking all the time. He’d call me every day and we’d talk all day. He told me that he really means it when he says he loves me, and we were making plans to visit each other…checking plane fares etc. Then the next day everything seemed to change, he got a bit distant. He still messaged me and we talked, but it was a somewhat “detached” conversation. I let him be the next day, didn’t message him because I thought perhaps he may need a bit of space.
As the weeks went on, we still talked but the conversations were getting shorter. He called me less, and he started ignoring me when I tried talking to him..about anything. Sometimes I’d be greeted with silence, or I’d get a reply hours later. This went on for awhile, then just this past week he had started calling more. We didn’t really talk about anything significant, but I was hopeful that he was doing better and things would be back as they used to be.
I told him a few times that I was worried about him, that I loved him and I’m always here for him. He pretty much shrugged that off and said “Ok. So anyway what’s up?”. When he has called me, he sounds fine, there doesn’t “appear” to be any signs that he’s depressed. But he has completely shut me out now. He won’t talk to me about what he’s been up to, or how his day was… he won’t open up about anything. He used to tell me everything, no matter what it was about. I don’t get nay messages from him, whereas he used to call/message first all the time. Or I would start talking to him and he’d call right away, or tell me about what’s going on with him.
All communication has stopped now. I don’t understand what’s happening. He went from telling me how much he love me and how important I am to him, to wanting nothing to do with me. I feel like it’s my fault for not trying to talk to him more. I’m afraid to talk to him, he’s always been hard to talk to. I don’t know if he just wants space, so I try not to bother him, but then I try to talk to him and either I get no reply, or all I get is some smiley “o/”.
He is quite jaded towards society and the idea of relationships as a whole. He thinks that if people are nice to him , they just want something from him. He’s never believed in the concept of “love”, probably because his last relationship was such a s***storm (although he and his ex are now friends,which in itself bothers me ><). Yet, he has stayed with me. He has always told me how much I've done for him, and he loves me because I've always been there for him no matter what.
Our relationship hasn't all been roses though. As I said he had his highs and lows, He's always critical of me, he gets angry for no reason it seems sometimes. If I'm feeling down or whatnot and I try to talk to him, he'll call me emo or some such thing, even though he has told me that I can come to him..but apparently I can't.
I do him love very much, and I don't want to lose him. I feel I have already lost him and I'm to blame for him completely pushing me out of his life now. During these past 3 weeks, I have been so confused. I don't know if he wants me to just leave him alone so I don't always try to contact him, but then I think that maybe he thinks I don't care anymore because of that, so he's just going to let our relationship die.
I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't know if he's just in a depressed phase or if this his cruel way of breaking up with me. Every day I want to tell him how much I love him, and that I'm not going anywhere etc., but it seems he doesn't even care anymore whether I stay or not. He's completely shut me out, I seem to irritate him more than anything. I feel like I'm the enemy now. I don't understand what I did to cause things to go from him saying how much he really loves me, to being someone that he really doesn't feel the need to talk to and easily ignored.
I need to know what to do, what to say to him…how to fix this.. The silence is deafening and I'm crying all the time. I feel it's my fault it's gotten this bad and I've failed him. I've always been there for him..and I STILL am, but maybe he thinks I'm not anymore. I try to be but I just get a door slammed in my face.
I don't want to lose him, I know somewhere inside he still cares for me….somewhere. I need help 😦